My Son and Alcohol

QuiQuog said:
You said a lot of sound and sane things. The "alcoholic" label is not as easy to read when it's on your own back. But they know how they feel. They may be able to recognize that they're not hungover after a day of not drinking, or that they feel better after two, or their head is more clear after 3 or 4. If you can build on these, it may help him to recognize, not that he's an alcoholic, but at least that he is better off without it.

I think the shallow thinkers that think it's a "simple" matter of forcing rules on him, kicking him out, letting him "hit rock bottom", or thinking he has to figure it out on his own, maybe have not had to deal with the issue on a personal level, with someone they don't want to lose. Forcing rules might trigger a more defensive response. Kick him out and you'll only be able to help when you can find him, if you can find him. Sometimes when people hit the bottom it's too late, and that's the tragedy you want to avoid. He does need to decide in his own head that it's time to make a change, but he doesn't have to do it alone.

Like some others have said, there's not one answer for everybody. I hope you can help him find his. Good luck.
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Sorry, totally contrary to Alanon, and AA.

I've dealt with family drunks all my life. IMHO, the only way to get through to them is "tough love". Period.
 
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1600vw said:
Tough Love is the only way. I practice this with my kids. I believe its harder on the parents then the kids but its the only way with most.

Tony
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You need more than a hammer to build a house. There should be more than one tool in your toolbox.
 
QuiQuog said:
You need more than a hammer to build a house. There should be more than one tool in your toolbox.
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Not building a house but dealing with an adult who wants to act like a child. Time to grow up and be an adult. Loose your job and run home to mommy and daddy then get a new job and waste your cash on alcohol. If he was paying his own way no money for alcohol.
 
Geico266 said:
I did a little research into that claim. I would not characterize their success rate as "abysmal"..... rather steady, consistent, dependable results dependent on the individual.


Question: What is the success rate of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Answer: Every few years Alcoholics Anonymous does a survey of its members. In 1992, a random survey of 6,500 A.A. members in both the United States and Canada revealed that 35 percent were sober for more than five years; 34 percent were sober from between one and five years; and 31 percent were sober for less than one year. The average time sobriety of members is more than five years.

Coming to the realization of a higher power is one of AA's main point. If you think there is no higher power then why cant you stop drinking when others can? ... kind of thing. Getting the drunk to recognize he/she is weak is a huge step forward, and there are many other "steps". :D
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That's their company line. Yes. Independent studies have shown it to be more like 5%.

And the "higher power" part is a precondition that pushes some people who really do want to recover away from the program to their own detriment.

But, whatever. As I've said before, the point is to find something that works. If that's AA, great. I just wanted the OP to be aware that other options exist since AA seems to consume all the oxygen in the room most of the time.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/23/the...ymous_theres_a_better_way_to_treat_addiction/
 
rwellner98 said:
That's their company line. Yes. Independent studies have shown it to be more like 5%.

And the "higher power" part is a precondition that pushes some people who really do want to recover away from the program to their own detriment.

But, whatever. As I've said before, the point is to find something that works. If that's AA, great. I just wanted the OP to be aware that other options exist since AA seems to consume all the oxygen in the room most of the time.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/23/the...ymous_theres_a_better_way_to_treat_addiction/
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Quote the rate of people who succeed with out AA. If only 5% succeed I say great for those 5%. But hang the program because its not a 100% success rate. Really...
 
Geico266 said:
Sorry, totally contrary to Alanon, and AA.

I've dealt with family drunks all my life. IMHO, the only way to get through to them is "tough love". Period.
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And maybe in your family it really and truly was the only workable option. The world is a bigger place than your family and the streets are littered with cast aside humans who failed the tough love test.
 
rwellner98 said:
That's their company line. Yes. Independent studies have shown it to be more like 5%.

And the "higher power" part is a precondition that pushes some people who really do want to recover away from the program to their own detriment.

But, whatever. As I've said before, the point is to find something that works. If that's AA, great. I just wanted the OP to be aware that other options exist since AA seems to consume all the oxygen in the room most of the time.

http://www.salon.com/2014/03/23/the...ymous_theres_a_better_way_to_treat_addiction/
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Can you point to one of those independent studies? I'm curious.

John
 
My heart goes out to you and your family. Could it be a deeper problem such as depression? I am not a psychiatrist but reading your post got me thinking. In any event, I hope that he resolves these issues. As a parent, I know what it's like to be concerned about your kids.
 
asgcpa said:
My heart goes out to you and your family. Could it be a deeper problem such as depression? I am not a psychiatrist but reading your post got me thinking. In any event, I hope that he resolves these issues. As a parent, I know what it's like to be concerned about your kids.
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Like I said, find out WHY he is only happy when he drinks.
 
I'm not the original poster, but wanted to respond unregistered. My brother has the same issues...more or less.

My brother has a history of alcohol and drug abuse (pot for the most part). My mom always helped him out and kept his habits afloat by paying the occasional house/car payment. He's done several month long stints in city/county jail for the last 20 years. His recent thing is to get high, drink, and run around naked and fight people. He started doing pot around 13-15 years old. Now, when he drinks, he reverts to that point in his life - changing how he talks and everything.

His annual income was around 20-30k year. He had 3 cars, a boat, and a condo...everything on loan, no savings. He likes to impress his 'friends'. Now that these things are gone, he has no friends.

Mom passed away 5-6 years ago. Blew through a significant inheritance in 2 years. Enough to buy a couple decent M20J's and keep them maintained for a few years. Has since sold his boat and 2 cars. Keeping the condo, but behind in payments.

In his last stint in jail, his condo was foreclosed. I packed up his entire condo and moved his crap into a storage unit - disgusting stuff. I paid for 3 months storagem the movers to haul the boxes, and his car (the only one paid off, its a pile).

While in jail, he asked to live with me. I said he could move in with me for a few months if he decided to sober up and seek professional help. He refused. One random night, he called from outside of jail asking to stay the night at my place just for the night, I didn't pick him up and said he's unwelcome at our house. He found a ride and slept in his car that night. There are no other relatives within 500 miles of here to help him. I've also been in touch with them and advised them not to contribute to his habits.

Eventually, he found a job and an apartment. After a month, started drinking again, lost his job a month later. Got kicked out of his apartment, back in his car. New job, new apartment....Rinse and repeat, now it cycles every 3 months or so. I have no clue where he lives, only that he lives in the same city somewhere.

He calls me occasionally asking why I won't help out his only brother. I said I would pay for treatment to get him sober, he refuses, says random stuff, and then hangs up. Rinse and repeat every 6 months. I see him about once a year for Christmas. I take him to dinner, but request that he shower before he sees me. He never visits or calls our sister who is mentally challenged. I have a care taker for her and she's doing great and enjoying life. I don't have the resources (mentally or monetarily) to take care of two siblings plus enjoy my life. I'm saving for my own wings right now. :)

---

That's my history. I've had counseling for myself regarding my brother. My sister is cake compared to my brother and she is never an issue like this. The counselor has worked with many families that have to deal with family members in this circumstance. She has advised me on actions to take (not giving him a dime and not letting him stay with me) and why doing so only enables him to continue his drinking and drugs. She said that my brother needs to find his bottom, whatever that is, and that ultimately, even being homeless and jobless may not be his bottom. Only when he reaches his bottom and admits his problem, will he seek help. I've offered to my brother to visit a counselor for anything he wishes to talk about - his time in jail, mom & dad being gone, work, etc...he refuses (I didn't even mention to him to talk about his drinking or drugs).

My brother still refuses that he has a drinking or drug problem. He says he has to do it to keep calm and relax his mind. I don't know his habits now, but he was super lazy. Only getting off the computer games for the bathroom, fetching drinks and drugs. He never cooks, only fast food. When I used to see him more regularly when mom was around, he was always drunk and/or high and was very rare for me to see him otherwise. Mom and I joked that he probably can't function sober.

When I packed his condo up, there was piles and piles of rubbish everywhere - fast food wrappers, empty soda cans, etc. Mountains of dirty clothes. I used kitchen rubber gloves to pack everything...with a few fans in the window due to the stench.

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My advise. Kick your son out. He can sleep in his car just fine. NEVER give him money! I'll repeat: Never give money! If you want a roof over his head, pay his rent somewhere directly for a month or two. Only give a grocery store gift card if they don't sell alcohol. For gas, find a chain that doesn't sell alcohol (easy in some states, impossible in some states).

My mom wasn't able to do this, and it only enabled him for 25 years of drinking.

While I was moving my brothers stuff out and dealing with him in general, it put a strain on my relationship with my better half - to the point that we almost broke up. We're now engaged. Don't let your son ruin your other relationships - you'll need them to help you through this.

---

I'm assuming you understand why I'm now posting this unregistered. :) You can refer to me as "Andrew" if needed in any replies. I hope this helps the original poster...to at least seek professional help.
 
rwellner98 said:
That's their company line. Yes. Independent studies have shown it to be more like 5%.

And the "higher power" part is a precondition that pushes some people who really do want to recover away from the program to their own detriment.
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My family member had a weak subscription to "God" but he and "George" worked things out every day for 20+ years without a drink before his passing. The deity can be whatever fits for the individual.
 
pilot_dude said:
My family member had a weak subscription to "God" but he and "George" worked things out every day for 20+ years without a drink before his passing. The deity can be whatever fits for the individual.
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Absolutely. But many people don't know that and believe, understandably due to history, that AA wants you to believe in the christian god. There is another set of people who just don't buy the "higher power" aspect no matter how inclusive AA has tried to become over the years. And, frankly, regardless of how sincerely AA has tried to be inclusive, you don't have to go to very many meetings before it's pretty obvious that christianity dominates the "higher power" discussion (at least in the US).
 
Geico266 said:
You need to understand how the "love" part in "tough love" works my friend.
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1600vw said:
Yes..some do not get it...
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I'm not saying don't use a hammer, I'm saying that there's a lot of tools in your toolbox. My metaphor isn't working. How about if I put it this way:
Fly it all the way to the crash site.
 
Geico266 said:
With all due respect the "alcoholism is a disease" theory was thrown out long ago as "70's pychobabble". One definition that I like is "a personal weakness character flaw" that can lead to physical dependency, and alcohol related physical diseases.

Drinking alcohol is a choice, not a disease. Calling it a disease only gives the drunk an excuse to keep drinking. Alcoholism is a character weakness.
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I know a lot of people cringe at the "disease" concept but it is real and recognized by the AMA as a mental disorder. Mental illness is still very stigmatized in this country. The problem doesn't lie within the substance but why does one use the substance. It is a form of self medication due to genetic/environmental factors. I struggled for years until I finally got the ultimatum, get help or we call the FAA. I had major depression that I was afraid to get help for out of fear of losing my medical. I finally got sober in 2007 and thanks to the HIMS program eventually got back into the cockpit and able to control my depression without medication. I fully admit I made a lot of mistakes and I alone was responsible for the condition I got myself into. It is a true mental disorder not just a weakness.

Substance abuse is a major problem in this country, instead of treatment most people just get thrown in jail. Jail is not the answer for non violent offenders. The disease progresses to where one no longer has a choice and needs alcohol just to feel normal. AA was a help but at the end of the day I had to want it and put my sobriety above everything else. To the OP I agree with the tough love approach. I had to be threatened with treatment or else and it worked. Had my family not gotten tough with me who knows what could have happened.
 
rwellner98 said:
Absolutely. But many people don't know that and believe, understandably due to history, that AA wants you to believe in the christian god. There is another set of people who just don't buy the "higher power" aspect no matter how inclusive AA has tried to become over the years. And, frankly, regardless of how sincerely AA has tried to be inclusive, you don't have to go to very many meetings before it's pretty obvious that christianity dominates the "higher power" discussion (at least in the US).
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Higher power is incorrect anyway. What there is is a higher responsibility than self, that's what many people lack discovering therefore lack meaning and purpose in life. Without that, it's hard to find your way.
 
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Nothing will happen until HE decides to do something about it. He will not make that decision until his bad consequences overpower his pleasure from drinking. He will not feel the full effect of his consequences as long as you keep mitigating them and interfering with them.

It isn't easy, but you need to stop interfering with his consequences. If that means he ends up living on the street, with nothing to eat, no job no money no car, so be it.

Everyone DOES have to hit bottom, but everyone's bottom is different.
 
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Mason said:
Everyone DOES have to hit bottom, but everyone's bottom is different.
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:yeahthat:

This 100%! You don't know how far down someone has to go before they realize it, only that person will when they've reached bottom. Everyone's bottom is different...mine is clean. :eek:
 
I didn't read the entire thread yet, but I wanted to share these thoughts that I scribbled down for you from my wife, who is a therapist:

You can move him out on his own, letting him fall on his face again. When he comes to you again, you tell him that you won't bail him out, but you will support him in going to treatment (you should do the research now, so that you have a solid plan at hand). It sounds like he isn't up for getting support without first failing again. You should be going to Al-Anon groups as well in order to get an idea of how to best deal with this problem from your end. It sounds like he may need to go to inpatient for at least 30 days. Lastly, sometimes you can also go to the family group portion of an outpatient program for support for yourselves even without first admitting your son.

There is also something called an intensive outpatient program, which is sort of an in-between stage that wouldn't require going to something as invasive as an inpatient stay.
 
rwellner98 said:
Totally not true. Tons of people clean up without having to hit rock bottom. President Bush springs to mind as an example. If the OP goes to al-anon, be aware that it is closely tied to AA and will be giving you the company line. If it works for you, great, but remember that AA has an abysmal success rate. There are other options with better success rates that may be more appropriate.



If the OPs original post in any way reflects the facts of the situation there is 0% chance of a lawsuit. They should still try to help their son get clean though even without that possibility hanging over them.
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Here is reality- G.W. Bush hit bottom for HIM. Hitting bottom is a different place for everyone - disappointing a spouse can be the trigger. Waking up in the car covered in vomit could be it for another. Waking up in the hospital after killing or maiming a family of 4 is another, unfortunately, very common one.

Hitting bottom does not always mean living in a flop house on skid row.

Moving on to the reality of litigation - assuming you have no interest in the vehicle and did not supply the alcohol, the parent has no liability for an adult child. Otherwise, people who get into drunk driving accidents would have their parents sued . . . its too remote.
 
Unregistered said:
I know a lot of people cringe at the "disease" concept but it is real and recognized by the AMA as a mental disorder. Mental illness is still very stigmatized in this country. The problem doesn't lie within the substance but why does one use the substance. It is a form of self medication due to genetic/environmental factors. I struggled for years until I finally got the ultimatum, get help or we call the FAA. I had major depression that I was afraid to get help for out of fear of losing my medical. I finally got sober in 2007 and thanks to the HIMS program eventually got back into the cockpit and able to control my depression without medication. I fully admit I made a lot of mistakes and I alone was responsible for the condition I got myself into. It is a true mental disorder not just a weakness.

Substance abuse is a major problem in this country, instead of treatment most people just get thrown in jail. Jail is not the answer for non violent offenders. The disease progresses to where one no longer has a choice and needs alcohol just to feel normal. AA was a help but at the end of the day I had to want it and put my sobriety above everything else. To the OP I agree with the tough love approach. I had to be threatened with treatment or else and it worked. Had my family not gotten tough with me who knows what could have happened.
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Wrong. The AMA stated in 1956 that alcoholism was a disease not a mental disorder. I don't agree but the reason they did this was to get insurance coverage for people who needed treatment. While A.A. Suffers a lot of misinformation it is the program responsible for getting millions sober and leading productive lives. As for religion, A.A. Is very clear that you worship " the God of YOUR understanding" , no one else's. The young person in question is a typical con artist that will lie, cheat or steal to live a rotten life. To give him other drugs to "cure him" is absurd. Stupid advice.
 
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I'm reluctant to post here, mainly because I have no relevant experience that would qualify, and my opinions on the subject aren't within the boundaries of what I've read so far. Guess it starts with saying this is a heartbreaking situation. Certainly the strain on all around this person is very high.

I'm at a loss on the solution, but sadly, all that comes to mind is that there is a point - and everyone reaches their own when it becomes necessary to cut the toxicity out, and get on with lives. There are so many ways to poison a family, or group, or system. There is a cliche 'one bad apple....' because of the truth of the matter. Botanically, when you you put a rotting apple in with a group of fresh apples, the fresh apples turn easier. Same with mold, or even a worm in an apple will spoil the bunch.

I'm not advocating, nor suggesting that the person be cut off. But - cliches aside, at some point you need to get on with life, and let them fight their own demons.

Sorry, it's hard to read, and not much fun to write, but it is reality.
 
comanchepilot said:
Here is reality- G.W. Bush hit bottom for HIM. Hitting bottom is a different place for everyone - disappointing a spouse can be the trigger.
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Well sure, if we're going to redefine "hitting bottom" as "the trigger" then of course anything fits. But then "hitting bottom" can mean being bored with booze, wanting more money in the bank, wanting to live a longer healthier life or any number of things that motivate people to quit the sauce.

In Bush's case, he and Laura say "hitting bottom" was just realizing on a Sunday after partying that he wanted something else. So he quit.

I think this is an important distinction given the number of people insisting that the OPs son needs to be homeless as a way to hit bottom. Risky strategy. Might work. Might not. Worst case is a dead kid. Best case is he gets help. A lot of people end up in the middle, homeless and still drinking. Don't know if that's really "tough love".
 
You need to try Alanon ,not only does the person drinking need help ,but also those that support them. It's not your fault,and the person with the problem has to decide when they reach bottom.
 
Unregistered said:
I am a long-time member of the POA and need some advice. I would rather remain anonymous.
We have a personal problem with one of our sons. He is 28 years old and now living at home with us. Before we moved him back home, he had lost his job and wasn't able to or even really motivated to find another job. He wasn't eating and had lost a lot weight. This is when we found out he had a drinking problem. He said he had a problem with alcohol since college. He had a DUI and his court case is pending.
He is now living with us and has recently started another job. For the first few months, he didn't have any alcohol because we disabled his car; he was eating well and was gaining weight. He didn't have any physical alcohol withdrawal symptoms. He does smoke a lot. However, since he has money now, he has begun drinking again in great amounts. We have told him no drinking while he lives here (and he agreed to this), but he is not adhering to this. He says drinking is the only thing he enjoys and he doesn't see the problem. He will be going for an alcohol assessment because of his DUI, but has said he doesn't want to get counseling / therapy.
We want to move him out of our home to his own apartment, but have concerns he will lose his job after he leaves here because of his drinking and resulting performance issues. If he loses this job, we don't see how he can get another one, because he had so much trouble finding this one.
He has a car, but when he is sentenced for his DUI, will probably lose the right to drive. He says he plans to drive anyway. We know he has driven while intoxicated since he started his job. We gave him rides to/from work to stop this, but he says now that he needs his car during the day to make bank deposits for work. He frequently calls at the end of his shift saying he has to stay later. We now assume he is leaving on time and is going to buy alcohol.
He simply does not seem to care about anything. (Ex: didn't file his taxes, didn't register his car when due, etc). He would be content to live the rest of his life in a small bedroom, playing with his laptop. Who wouldn't? Free room and board! We haven't yet starting rent because he didn't have money and now we just want him out. It seems like there is a component of depression because of the way he acts. He lies, but they are always potentially feasible. We would like to believe him, but don't think we can. We just took the door to his room off so he can't drink in his room...hopefully.
What can we do to help him? We don't want to enable him to continue what he's doing, but it's very hard to just let him fall apart, which is what will probably happen. This is just killing us. We know we need to seek counseling for ourselves. We need to end this soon. What should we do?
I know that this is the Internet, but I also know there are some medical professionals and other good people who use this site who may be able to offer some advice.
Thanks to everyone who responds.
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He has to want sobriety. You wanting it for him will not make him want it. There is absolutely nothing you can do to force him to be sober.

Who owns his car? Who pays the note? Who pays the insurance? If its him, its his burden. If its you, that needs to change right now.

If you want him out, tell him he has to leave. For violating his promises to follow your rules. Set a date. If he misses it, formally evict him with service of process. It does not matter if he has no place to go. He can sleep in his car if need be. He might lose his job. But that will be because of choices he made. He might go to jail. Again.. that will be because of choices he made. They don't mean you have failed as a parent. They mean he chose not to live like the man you raised him to be. Free will can be a beyotch.. And addiction is a powerful disease.. one you can treat and manage, but never cure. He will be an addict (recovered or remitting) for his entire life.


This is one of the hardest things a parent can face, short of the death of a child... but at a certain point he's got to be accountable for his choices, and your help has to be with the conditions of helping ones self to keep getting help from you.

The Al-Anon will allow you to meet with folks who are facing, and have faced, the very dilemmas you are facing right now. There is strength and comfort in numbers.
 
rwellner98 said:
Well sure, if we're going to redefine "hitting bottom" as "the trigger" then of course anything fits. But then "hitting bottom" can mean being bored with booze, wanting more money in the bank, wanting to live a longer healthier life or any number of things that motivate people to quit the sauce.
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As I said earlier, everyone's "bottom" is different.

The goal, if you want to mitigate damage and disaster, might be to do things that tend to adjust someone's bottom upward, so that they don't have to be a skid row bum to see the light.

If you go to a few Al-Anon meetings or some OPEN AA meetings, you will learn about "high-bottom" and "low bottom" recoveries.

The bottom line is that the afflicted must be at a point where they see no way out and are powerless over alcohol and are willing to LISTEN and do what it takes to recover.
 
You and your wife are sick too. Through no fault of yours the alcoholic has pressed his disease onto you, and you will need help to resolve this.

Find an Al-Anon group. Attend meetings, as many as you can every week. The compassion and understanding you will find there will provide some comfort, and the experiences of the members will give you guidance.

It is possible to love an alcoholic and still be able to detach from their problems and responsibilities. This will permit you to live your life without allowing the alcoholic to take over. Once you gain some insight and knowledge into the alcoholic and his world you can begin to separate the difference between love, enabling, co-dependency, and all of the other issues.

I have been sober for decades. I also have a practicing alcoholic in my life. I thus feel qualified to humbly offer this advice, and hope that it provides you with the ability to begin to heal.
 
Geico266 said:
With all due respect the "alcoholism is a disease" theory was thrown out long ago as "70's pychobabble". One definition that I like is "a personal weakness character flaw" that can lead to physical dependency, and alcohol related physical diseases.

Drinking alcohol is a choice, not a disease. Calling it a disease only gives the drunk an excuse to keep drinking. Alcoholism is a character weakness.
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I used to believe this way, myself; direct observation of people close to me has changed my way of thinking. Now, the semantics don't really matter; call it "disease," or call it "character weakness"; it really doesn't matter what you call it, as long as you recognize that there is a problem and address it aggressively.

I had a brother-in-law, one of the finest human beings I ever knew in life, brilliant in business, generous and giving in spirit, an inspiration and mentor to hundreds of successful business executives, a board-level executive in a major corporation. For him, it was "social drinking," that got out of hand when, as a result of a corporate acquisition and his age, he was forced into retirement. Several stints in rehab, and he could never stop. I know he never reached the conscious decision, "I would rather drink than live to see my daughter graduate high school," but ultimately, he died as a result of his drinking. I call with the disease, because like any other fatal disease, it stalked him and it killed him.

I actually believe that, on his deathbed, he finally acknowledged and embraced his reality, but we'll never know.

Geico266 said:
I did a little research into that claim. I would not characterize their success rate as "abysmal"..... rather steady, consistent, dependable results dependent on the individual.


Question: What is the success rate of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Answer: Every few years Alcoholics Anonymous does a survey of its members. In 1992, a random survey of 6,500 A.A. members in both the United States and Canada revealed that 35 percent were sober for more than five years; 34 percent were sober from between one and five years; and 31 percent were sober for less than one year. The average time sobriety of members is more than five years.

Coming to the realization of a higher power is one of AA's main point. If you think there is no higher power then why cant you stop drinking when others can? ... kind of thing. Getting the drunk to recognize he/she is weak is a huge step forward, and there are many other "steps". :D
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There are many paths to sobriety; AA is but one tool. My observation has been that, for those who identify a home group which "resonates" with them, the support provided by the group members can be compelling. In order for it to work, the participant must acknowledge the problem, and allow themselves to participate in the system; the group can provide the support network which helps the addict recognize the problem, and helps with the staggeringly-hard work of attacking it.

Another observation I have is this: AA (or something like AA) reinforces the reality that addiction isn't something you can simply "fix"; you have to work all the time to mitigate its effects, and thus, successfully participate in life and society.

Henning said:
Higher power is incorrect anyway. What there is is a higher responsibility than self, that's what many people lack discovering therefore lack meaning and purpose in life. Without that, it's hard to find your way.
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I like this. Groups I have seen have not emphasized Christianity as the "higher power"; rather, the "higher power" concept is simply important to admitting that, for most people affected, you cannot do it alone.

3393RP said:
You and your wife are sick too. Through no fault of yours the alcoholic has pressed his disease onto you, and you will need help to resolve this.

Find an Al-Anon group. Attend meetings, as many as you can every week. The compassion and understanding you will find there will provide some comfort, and the experiences of the members will give you guidance.

It is possible to love an alcoholic and still be able to detach from their problems and responsibilities. This will permit you to live your life without allowing the alcoholic to take over. Once you gain some insight and knowledge into the alcoholic and his world you can begin to separate the difference between love, enabling, co-dependency, and all of the other issues.
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+1,000,000 - important!
 
Alcoholism is indeed a disease, and a genetic one at that! Make sense, since its basis is the farrago of chemicals spurting about in the brain.

My heart goes out violently to the OP, this is a horrible situation in which to find oneself. I suspect there is nothing they can do vis-a-vis their son, I think he has to make the realization that its time to change something. They can definitely do something for themselves. Getting counseling or help is not an admission of weakness. It is simply the realization that you are in over your head and could use some assistance.

Good luck.
 
I don't think alcoholism is any one thing. I think there are multiple reasons people abuse alcohol and lumping them altogether and calling it 'alcoholism' is an ineffective oversimplification. If you can't find out why they are drinking, you cannot help them stop.
 
I used to call BS on the whole "disease" and "genetic" aspect of alcoholism in my younger years, but exposure to some affected families and seeing the absolute undeniable evidence among many tribes of Native Americans (both Lower 48 and the Inuit) has convinced me that there is at least some truth to it. Whether it's simply a predisposed lack of self-control or willpower, or there is something more along the lines of a true medical condition that makes them much more likely to become addicted, I do believe that there is something to it.

The bottom line still remains the same however - they will not stop until they WANT to stop, and you can't make them want to. All you can do is stop enabling them and hope they get it figured out before it kills them.
 
airguy said:
I used to call BS on the whole "disease" and "genetic" aspect of alcoholism in my younger years, but exposure to some affected families and seeing the absolute undeniable evidence among many tribes of Native Americans (both Lower 48 and the Inuit) has convinced me that there is at least some truth to it. Whether it's simply a predisposed lack of self-control or willpower, or there is something more along the lines of a true medical condition that makes them much more likely to become addicted, I do believe that there is something to it.
Click to expand...

The evidence is quite strong for a genetic predisposition, but even if that is only part of the story it is still absolutely true that booze changes the brain and if that doesn't make it a disease then neither is liver disease.
 
rwellner98 said:
The evidence is quite strong for a genetic predisposition, but even if that is only part of the story it is still absolutely true that booze changes the brain and if that doesn't make it a disease then neither is liver disease.
Click to expand...

Alcohol related liver damage I do not consider a disease, I consider that poisoning.
 
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