Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

after many years of a roughening relationship with her husband, a woman decides to take golf lessons in the hopes of reigniting the bond with her husband.
her first day, the instructor watches her technique, which resulted in a nasty slice she couldnt seem to straighten out, despite the best efforts of both teacher and student. after about four hours, the intructor was just about out of ideas for his student. her grip being the main problem, he finally tells her, "ok, pretend the golf club is your husbands penis. hold the club the same way you would him, and hit the ball." nearly exhausted, she complied with the request and hit a drive over the fence, and straight as an arrow.
"wow," said the golf instructor. "that was great, but this time, don't use your mouth"

Q: how do you get a sweet old lady to say the F-word?
A: have another old lady yell "BINGO!"
 
A refuse collector in Cairns , Australia , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro prease!" says the Chinese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
 
I always thought those type pics, and similar TV shows heavily slanted towards jobs involving the rear end of some animal. Quite unfair.
 
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.








(Hardly seems worth it.)








If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.








(Now that's more like it!)








The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.







A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.








(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)








A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)








(I'm still not over the pig.)








Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.








(Don't try this at home; maybe at work.)








The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.








(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)



















The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.








(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)








The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.








(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)








Some lions mate over 50 times a day.








(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)








Butterflies taste with their feet.








(Something I always wanted to know.)



















The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.








(Hmmmmmm.......)








Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.








(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)








Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.








(Okay, so that would be a good thing..)








A cat's urine glows under a black light.








(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)








An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.








(I know some people like that.)








Starfish have no brains..








(I know some people like that, too.)








Polar bears are left-handed.








(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)








Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.








(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)






​
 
gprellwitz said:
John, you had me laughing out loud. That new certificate is definitely doing you (and me) good! :)
Click to expand...

I wish I could claim that wit as my own, but I can't. That is an e-mail I received from a friend. It had me laughing out loud as well.

I keep seeing that commercial for a pill that might make you have an erection for over four hours. It makes me want to ask my doctor if I'm healthy enough for sex. :ihih:

That pig thing sounds even better though. :goofy:

John
 
John Baker said:
I wish I could claim that wit as my own, but I can't. That is an e-mail I received from a friend. It had me laughing out loud as well.

I keep seeing that commercial for a pill that might make you have an erection for over four hours. It makes me want to ask my doctor if I'm healthy enough for sex. :ihih:

That pig thing sounds even better though. :goofy:

John
Click to expand...
Hey, you posted it, so it's yours! :)
As to the four hour erection, my 22nd anniversary is coming up on the first day of the Wings FlyBQ, so I'll refrain from commenting so I make that milestone! :)
 
All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.
"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of *******."
 
Subject: Political Correctness









There is an annual contest at Duke University for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year's term was: "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:
"Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of sh*t by the clean end".











​





 
A paraprosdokian is allegedly a figure of speech in which the latter part of
a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the
reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is
frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an
anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and
satirists.


Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole
a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)

Ø We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed
to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is
research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can
train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an
emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Ø Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America ?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman; behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you
wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a
shot of tequila.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
you are in it.

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 


An Irish Man sitting in the pub with his wife and he says, "I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"




He replies, "It's me talking to the beer."



 
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, exactly what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
 
Man pulls up a stool at the bar and says, Gimme a Bin Laden. In the bartender's puzzlement he asks, What is a Bin Laden?

Two shots and a splash of water.
 
Subject: THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD


Well, it's **** . that's right, ****!
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****,
and tell others to eat ****.

Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference
between **** and shineola. There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy
****s. There is bull ****, horse ****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the
**** hits the fan.

You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****,
and some days are just plain ****ty.
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times
when you feel like ****.

You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong ****
or a lot of weird ****.

You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up **** creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a
bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything
else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you don't
give a ****!
Well, ****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give
a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of ****. But, if you
happened to catch a load of **** from some ****-head...........

Well, **** Happens!!!
 
There are easy ways to bypass nannyism!
(Word has a 'replace' function)


Subject: THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD

HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD


Well, it's **** . that's right, ****!
**** may just be the most functional word in the English language.

You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****,
and tell others to eat ****.

Some people know their ****, while others can't tell the difference
between **** and shineola. There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, and crazy
****s. There is bull ****, horse ****, and chicken ****.
You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, shoot the ****, or duck when the
**** hits the fan.

You can give a **** or serve **** on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep **** or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****,
and some days are just plain ****ty.
Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times
when you feel like ****.

You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong ****
or a lot of weird ****.

You can carry ****, have a mountain of ****, or find yourself up **** creek
without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you fall in a
bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything
else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a ****; or not do so if you don't
give a ****!
Well, ****, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give
a **** and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of ****. But, if you
happened to catch a load of **** from some ****-head...........

Well, **** Happens!!!
 
Richard said:
Man pulls up a stool at the bar and says, Gimme a Bin Laden. In the bartender's puzzlement he asks, What is a Bin Laden?

Two shots and a splash of water.
Click to expand...

I'm going to tell that joke and give you no credit, what-so-ever. Consider this fair warning.

Thanks :wink2:
 
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America:

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. '

2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3.. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE.'
 
Saw this today on another forum:

attachment.php
 

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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...





 
Two brothers, one eight years old and the other four, decide one night after they were tucked in, that it was time to start cussing. They agree to start first thing the next morning.
They wake up and go down to the kitchen, and their mother greets them and asks, "What would you like for breakfast?" The first to answer is the older, who says, "Ah hell, I guess I'll have a bowl of cheerios." Their mother immediatly scolds her oldest, tells him to go to his room and promptly follows him up the stairs, carrying on about his poor vocabulary.
After a few moments, mother returns, and asks her youngest son, "What would you like for breakfast?"
"Well you can bet your fat ass it ain't cheerios!"
 
Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.


Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]The old gentleman paused then said:[/FONT][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif] "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."[/FONT]

[FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif]"Have a good day, Sir,"[/FONT][FONT=arial, helvetica, sans-serif] replied the trooper.
[/FONT]



​
 
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or
ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a
Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a
Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a
night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
 
John Baker said:
Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or
ethnic minority, so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a
Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a
Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a
Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a
night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."
Click to expand...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl: Nice!
 
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.


The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
"Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
"On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the next room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest....."
__________________
 
Drinking with a FLORIDA Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a FLORIDA girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim),
throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice, either.'

The Florida girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.
Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In FLORIDA , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

HR
 
All you need to know about government bureaucracy:






[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** Pythagorean theorem: .............................................24 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** Lord's prayer:............................................................66 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** Archimedes' Principle: .............................................67 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** 10 Commandments: ...............................................179 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** Gettysburg address: ...............................................286 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** Declaration of Independence : .............................1,300 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** US Constitution with 27 Amendments : ................ 7,818 words. [/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage: 26,911 words !!![/FONT]




.
 
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a
truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident
and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started
screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased
the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no
matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head
in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he
said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most
import ant things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing?
It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex !!”
 
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the
middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at
night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and
hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, How does the watchman do his job without
instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two
(2) people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one
person to do time studies, GS-11. Then Congress said, "How will
we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Q. C. position and hired two (2) people, one
GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports. Then
Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" so
they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and
a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two (2) people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these
people?" So they created an administrative position and hired
three (3) people, an Admin. Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for
one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback
overall cost,"

So they laid off the night watchman.
 
Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 1998 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today
newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a
toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six
hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to
$3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it
to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a 1.5
inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5
inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 3 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”​
 
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