Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A Sensitive Man....

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. ​

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute,cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.​

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. ​

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but she is quite impressed by his sensitive side and doesn't mention this to him.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking
"Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy
love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,"Well, how was it?"​

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: ​






"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."​
 
WARNING OFF COLOR JOKE NOT PG

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.


All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'


'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'





I KNOW YOU SMILED
 
but were they Canadian? 'Cause handguns are illegal in Canada, eh! :)
 
flyingcheesehead said:
Yeah, and he's gonna hand 'em out while wearing this:

jitcrunch.aspx


(OBTW, I finally got it too... I need to get my @$$ back to school before I forget everything!)
Click to expand...

So, how's about a translation for those of us who never took calculus?
 
Got this in my inbox today....

Rockies Sign Iraqi Hurler

Shoe-throwing Right-hander Impresses Scouts

attachment.php


In a bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the Colorado Rockies today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.

The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Rockies' scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.

While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws "had great velocity and good movement," said Rockies GM Dan O'Dowd .
"The first shoe was high and outside but the second one was right down the middle," Mr. O'Dowd said.

Clint Hurdle, the Rockies field boss, said that he was also impressed with Mr. al-Zeidi's fighting spirit when Secret Service agents tackled him.

"That could come in handy when we have a road series," he said.
 

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Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas The Night Before Christmas Aviation Style
Author unknown

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tie downs with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick."
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all the fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their head,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost
And his beard was all blackened from reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eight-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion"

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight."
 
Last edited:
Women Over Forty

This was passed off as supposedly written by Andy Rooney. Instead, it is found to be a takeoff from a writing by Frank Kaiser. His writing was taken from a much earlier writing, by some 250 years. You can read all about that on Snopes.com.

Meanwhile, here is the version recently discovered:

"60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the nigh t and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one.. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her!

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!"
 
Older women don't tell.
Older women don't swell (get pregnant).
Older women are grateful as hell!
 
Two Marines...

Two former Marines, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowes Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she's 24 yrs old, tall, with long blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says........'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.'
 
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex ?' and she said: 'Wear sun-block.'
 
Best Wishes!

Please accept with no obligation, implied or
implicit, my very best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral
celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions
of the religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice, with full respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions
of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all;

Plus;
Enjoy a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make us great, and without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith,
choice of computer platform or sexual orientation
of the wisher.

Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are
accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement
any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and
is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first,
and warranty is limited to replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher, who assumes no
responsibility for any unintended emotional
stress these greetings may bring to those not
caught up in the holiday spirit.
 
Re: Best Wishes!

colomtnflyer said:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or
implicit, my very best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible,
low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral
celebration of the winter solstice holiday,
practiced within the most enjoyable traditions
of the religious persuasion or secular practices
of your choice, with full respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions
of others, or their choice not to practice
religious or secular traditions at all;

Plus;
Enjoy a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling,
and medically uncomplicated recognition of the
onset of the generally accepted calendar year, but
not without due respect for the calendars of choice
of other cultures whose contributions to society
have helped make us great, and without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith,
choice of computer platform or sexual orientation
of the wisher.

Disclaimer: By accepting this greeting, you are
accepting these terms:
This greeting is subject to clarification or
withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no
alteration to the original greeting. It implies
no promise by the wisher to actually implement
any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and
is void where prohibited by law, and is
revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected
within the usual application of good tidings for
a period of one year, or until the issuance of a
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first,
and warranty is limited to replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole
discretion of the wisher, who assumes no
responsibility for any unintended emotional
stress these greetings may bring to those not
caught up in the holiday spirit.
Click to expand...

Or, to paraphrase - "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!"
 
Bubba, a furniture dealer from Ala bama, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he
could find. After arriving in Paris he met with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.

To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro
and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table
was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful
young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French
(which he did not understand), and motioned toward the chair. He
invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language and so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her.

She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.

They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took
another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band
was packing up.



Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Bubba has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
 
You may be a TALIBAN if...

Our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following:​
[FONT=times new roman,new york,times,serif]

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'



1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.



2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.



3.You have more wives than teeth.



4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'



5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.



6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.



7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.



8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.



9. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'



10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.



11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.



12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.
[/FONT]
 
Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING. BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

:D
 
Doctor's Notes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the woman’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald - San Antonio, TX



At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.

Dr. Richard Byrnes - Seattle, WA



One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. Susan Steinberg - Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both is eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous - Worcester, MA



During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. The instructions now include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca - St. Clair Norfolk, VA



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson - Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" The patient replied, "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste." I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr.Leonard Kransdorf - Detroit, MI



A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it, there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

The doctor wouldn't reveal his name



A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged woman upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

The doctor wouldn't admit his name.
 
> As men age, we start seeing more and more of the medical world and its
> >employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as our
> >physicians and therapists, etc and in this case, a new Urologist for me.

> > My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical
> >school female urologist.
> > I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as
> well as unbelievably sexy.

> > She told me that I must stop masturbating.
> >I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you...."
 
A man related that, upon retiring from his job, he went to the Social Security office to apply for retirement benefits. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license, to verify his age and eligibility. He looked in his pockets and realized he'd left his wallet at home. He apologized to the clerk and told her he would have to 'go home and get it', and that he'd come back later.

The woman said "Oh, there's no need for that. Just unbutton your shirt, sir." Though confused, he did so. She smiled and said "that silver hair on your chest is good enough for me", and processed his application.

When he got home, he told his wife about the great customer service he'd received. She quickly replied "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!"
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the
pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At
the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd

like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first
time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my
parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and
bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with
his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20
minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious' The boy turns, and
whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist'
 
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and th e house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
 
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware
that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of
the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,
'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
 
How the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels..
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security..
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started...


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....


My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big.
I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.
And then the fight started.....


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man
'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
 
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Idaho when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government', says Bud.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows....this is a herd of sheep. .

Now give me back my dog.
 
Does this remind you of your youth?

A cop is on patrol and sees a car parked alone in a parking lot. He makes a mental note of it and continues on his patrol. Comes around again and sees it is still there so he pulls up to it to take a closer look. He finds 2 teenagers in the car, one a boy and one a girl! Oddly enough the boy is in the front seat and the girl is in the back seat. The cop taps on the front window and the boy rolls it down.

cop asks, "What are you doing?"
boy replies, "Just listening to the radio"

Well, this doesn't seem right. The cop looks at the girl in the back and then asks the boy, "What is she doing?"

The boy looks back at the girl and then replies to the cop, "She is reading a magazine"

The cop knows something is up, so he asks the boy, "How old are you?"
Boy replies, "19"
Cop asks, "How old is she?"
Boy looks at his watch and then replies, "In about 11 minutes she'll be 18"
 
JOB - URINE TEST
(Whoever wrote this one deserves a HUGE pat on the back!)
Joe, the average worker says;
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting on their lazy butts, doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if you agree or simply delete if you don't. Hope you all will pass it along, though . .. . Something has to change in this country -- and soon!!!!!





Guess we could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.
 
Rules of the Universe

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in
a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

10. A conscience is what hu rts when all of your other parts feel so
good.

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your
differences. Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks
before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.

23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental
illness.'

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never
want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep
down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.< BR>
33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur
built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

36. If you want to speed up your life, sign a 90-day note
 
You guys should get a chuckle out of this..

Dear sirs:
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a tv cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my social security card, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight ******n passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Maryanne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded
if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!! ****!

I apologize, I'm really ****ed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull****! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f....' address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthal *******s workin' there ????? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for s... sakes. I just want to go and park my ass on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe me, I sure as hell wouldn't tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another f....n' copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day ?? Nooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f....n' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some ******* to confirm that it's really me on the ******n picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?!(f---kin' morons) Hey, you know why we can't smile? We're totally ****ed off!

Signed - An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776. I've served in the military for something over 30 years and have had security clearances up the yingyang. However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor, WHO
WAS BORN AND RAISED IN COMMUNIST CHINA!

Sincerely, You Sure As Hell Should Know Who.
 
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