Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

NC19143 said:
The Seattle Seahawks football practice was delayed nearly 2 hours this morning after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach immediately suspended practice while police and federal agents were called in to investigae.

After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the substance, unknown to the players, was actually the goal line.

Practice was resumed this afternoon after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
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I take it that they don't have the Detroit Lions on their schedule?
 
CLEAN AND STRESS RELIEVING HUMOUR
...
(Written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

*********
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

*********
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

*********
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

*********
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

*********
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

*********
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

*********
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

*********
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (smart girl)

*********
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

*********
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

*********
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

*********
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T G ET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

*********
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
__________________

John
 
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Such innocence...
Little Johnny's at it again!

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Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her
psychology courses.. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks
they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The
teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I
hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted
criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want
very badly to capture him.'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when
you took his picture ?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father
moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and
rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing
that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure
that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried,
said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'

* * * * * * * * * * *






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An Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walke d out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to .'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said,'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly
turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'

The two lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
 
Baptizing A Drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'
 
My wife just emailed me this.

What should I do?

 
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NC19143 said:
That's just WAY Too true to be funny.
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That's the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Anybody know if it was really done by JC Penney? Seems long for a TV commercial, maybe it's just for that doghouse website?
 
TangoWhiskey said:
Anybody know if it was really done by JC Penney? Seems long for a TV commercial, maybe it's just for that doghouse website?
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It's called "Viral Marketing" Troy. The best part is they don't have to buy a bunch of expensive TV air time... Just put it on YouTube and start e-mailing all their friends.
 
That reminds me of this video, which I'm reposting here in case people haven't seen it (and I can't find the original thread to link to). Viral marketing can be very, very good.

 
bluesky74656 said:
That reminds me of this video, which I'm reposting here in case people haven't seen it (and I can't find the original thread to link to). Viral marketing can be very, very good.

Click to expand...

That was an expensive production, but I guess for the time involved.... That was probably produced for trade shows and in store loops, and the internet is a bonus.
 
Stuttering Cats!

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered',
she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and
the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'.
And before he could say 'F**k', the Rottweiler ate him
 
PSA: Nine Phrases Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!


(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.


(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F--- YOU!


(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.
* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!....as do their SOs.
 
This thread began with an Amish story; here's another:

"Amish Farmer"


An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down
and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen.'
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows sh** in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't
understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't
speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.
 
In the spirit of the season....


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
FAA DE
Santa
Shotgun
Engine failure on takeoff


1st repost of the worst joke for Christmas 2008
 
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did you get that truck???!!!' He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'​
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.​

'Well,' said the boy, 'this one cost me just fifteen dollars.' So the parents began to yell even louder. 'Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?' they said.​

'It was the lady up the street,' said the boy. I don't know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.'​

'Oh my Goodness!,' moaned the mother, 'she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on.' So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!​
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.​

'Well,' she said, 'this morning I got a phone call from my husband. (I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had ran off to Hawaii with his girlfriend and really doesn't intend to come back). ​
He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.​
So I did.'​
(Are women good or what?)​
 
Nerd pickup lines:

Trig major: I'd like to be your derivative, so I can lie tangent to your curves...

Biology major: If I were an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

Calc major:
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D'oh- I actually did the calculus and the math- shoulda seen it coming!
 
In my morning mail..

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know... :)


'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'
 
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India ..

The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests,except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said, 'Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green.'
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready'
The manager said, 'Go ahead.'
Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say,Yellow, this is Mujibar.'
Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems.


No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.
 
vontresc said:
Now that is seriously funny.... I don't know what's scarier, the fact that I got the Joke, or the fact that I actually remembered how to do integrals...
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You going to get that printed on some cards, with your name and number on the back? :rolleyes:
 
Doctors' Opinion of Financial Bail Out Package.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, and the
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve,
and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!',
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness;
the Radiologists could see right through it;
and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the matter.'

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but
the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some donkeys in Washington.

That about covers it...
 
TangoWhiskey said:
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vontresc said:
Now that is seriously funny.... I don't know what's scarier, the fact that I got the Joke, or the fact that I actually remembered how to do integrals...
Click to expand...

TangoWhiskey said:
You going to get that printed on some cards, with your name and number on the back? :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Yeah, and he's gonna hand 'em out while wearing this:

jitcrunch.aspx


(OBTW, I finally got it too... I need to get my @$$ back to school before I forget everything!)
 
As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill
them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse
yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this d o?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane
during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many
different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I
settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.


To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came
to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate
some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the
dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of
the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into
the dining roo m.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on
Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up t o
me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him
she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a
noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched
from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in
front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the
car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her
to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.
 
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