Final Arrangements

RyanB

RyanB

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Ryan
They say the only thing certain in life is death and taxes. I know this is a morbid subject, so I apologize in advance.

My brother-in-law’s father passed away recently. He was a man who I always felt to be a third grandfather to me. After experiencing some health complications, he ended up passing with cancer and I still haven’t processed the fact that he’s gone. So many good times were had together over the years and it’s hard for me to accept the fact.

Nonetheless, both of my BIL’s parents are gone now, so he recently started thinking about end of life arrangements. Both of his parents and grandparents are resting in the same cemetery, so he decided that he needed to think about pre-planning. He wants to be in the same area as his family, so he bought two plots, one for him and one for my sister.

He later called and spoke to my parents and told them space was limited and asked if they’d also like a few plots next to them. So, after some consideration, my parents bought four plots all next to each other. This past weekend, my grandparents came down to visit from out of state and dad wanted to drive over and show them the plots he bought. I find it rather morbid, but I suppose it’s something that will have to be thought about at some point in time and that it’s nice to have this already taken care of, but it also seems a bit pre-mature.

Has anyone else pre-planned for their final arrangements or been down this road with a family member?
 
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Good article.
https://www.sfchronicle.com/opinion...ourself-for-the-good-end-of-life-13622599.php

Only thing I have prepared is a will. I plan on arranging a plot at a veterans cemetery in the near future though. Yes it’s morbid buts it’s life and we all need to plan for the end. In my job I’ve seen the end come for some much sooner than they expected. Makes me acutely aware of my mortality and the importance of preparation. Then again, I’ll be gone so what do I care who I burden. ;)
 
Everybody dies, and while nobody likes to think about their own death, it's something that's worth considering and making your intentions known. We've just gone through updating our wills to ensure this, which becomes especially important with our kids being minors and wanting people who are not blood relatives to care for them if anything happens to us.

When to think about it is questionable. You're a young adult, and I don't think you have much for assets. So having a will isn't really needed. That said, it's not a bad idea for your next of kin (in this case your parents) to know whether you'd rather be buried or cremated should something happen, and where you'd like either of those to happen. My mother has been very bad about expressing her wishes so not long ago I pointed out to her that while I know some of what I think she wants out of a funeral, if she wants anything specific, she better tell me before she's dead. So I got some specifics from her.

When my grandfather's death was impending (in the mid 80s) my grandparents bought a plot for the pair of them. The next time my grandmother went to that plot was in a coffin herself in 2007. My mother took me once after much insisting upon my part, I think I was about 10. The next time I went was to bury my grandmother, and I don't think any of the family members have been back since.

Everyone has their own preferences on end of life. Every single one of us is transient in this world. By 100 years after we die, changes are everyone who knew us will also be dead (unless we know some who were small children at our death who live to be over 100). Some of us may remain known if we did something noteworthy, but very few, and those people will not have known us directly.

It's morbid, but it's life.
 
I'm sorry for your loss.

As for me, I have a grave. It's used. Its previous occupant was my grandfather, whose body was moved Downstate some years ago. (I was born on the anniversary of his death, by the way, just for the sake of keeping things appropriately morbid.)

I have made no formal arrangements. I have money set aside for that. My preference would be something in the Jewish tradition of getting me in the ground before my body is cold. No wake, viewing, or any of that. I dislike everything remotely related to funerals, and my preference would be not to subject my family to any of that. But it's their decision. They can either drag it out like most people do, or take the fastest and cheapest approach and blow the balance of the funeral money on a party. I hope they choose the latter.

I'm also thinking about building my own coffin, mainly to save some money. Coffins are crazy expensive considering that you only get one use out of them. I'm thinking about something simple, but tasteful, and made of wood. I figure I can put a glass top over it and use it as a coffee table until the need arises.

Rich
 
Cremate me... I have no need for this body in heaven.

To avoid the expense, you can donate your body to science at the nearest medical University... They usually pay for disposal and delivery of the cremains.

I'm spending all I got on flying...

If the heaven comment triggers you, I'm sorry. That's what I believe...YMMV.
 
I have not gone that far - but my own parents have. They've gotten all their paperwork together and have a copy at the local funeral home that will handle everything. I did ask if they went so far as to pencil in a date yet, but they have not done that. My dad had his own experience when he had to handle his dad's affairs and doesn't want that burden to fall on me, or anyone else.

We have our living wills, advanced directives, and powers of atty all drawn up for whenever we may need them. I figure I'll go first, so anything more won't be my problem.

Ted DuPuis said:
By 100 years after we die, changes are everyone who knew us will also be dead (unless we know some who were small children at our death who live to be over 100). Some of us may remain known if we did something noteworthy, but very few, and those people will not have known us directly.
Click to expand...

Photos are an interesting way to live a long time after you are gone. They are approx 1/125th of a second of someone's life. With everything digital these days, there aren't too many prints hanging around. I have photos of great grandparents when they were kids.

After my grandmother died, the family went to a local restaurant for lunch (in one of the south Chicago suburbs). Along the walls were old pictures that someone had rounded up as part of their interior decoration motif. I'm not sure where they got them, maybe from a local historical society. They were pictures of that neighborhood from a long, long time ago. One of my uncles took me over to one of them and pointed at it - it was a picture of a boys soccer team (maybe 12yo) from the local grade school. This was a predominantly German immigrant part of town, so soccer would have been popular back in the early 1900's. My uncle pointed specifically at one of the boys, it was my grandfather, the husband of the woman we had just buried. He was finished with school by the 6th grade so that might as well have been his graduation picture. Around the corner was another photo of two gentlemen in a general store, they were wearing their blood soaked aprons and standing in front of the meat counter. My uncle pointed them out, too. That was the general store where my grandfather worked, cutting meat when he was in 5th or 6th grade and the two guys at the counter were his 2 uncles.
 
RJM62 said:
I'm sorry for your loss.

As for me, I have a grave. It's used. Its previous occupant was my grandfather, whose body was moved Downstate some years ago. (I was born on the anniversary of his death, by the way, just for the sake of keeping things appropriately morbid.)

I have made no formal arrangements. I have money set aside for that. My preference would be something in the Jewish tradition of getting me in the ground before my body is cold. No wake, viewing, or any of that. I dislike everything remotely related to funerals, and my preference would be not to subject my family to any of that. But it's their decision. They can either drag it out like most people do, or take the fastest and cheapest approach and blow the balance of the funeral money on a party. I hope they choose the latter.

I'm also thinking about building my own coffin, mainly to save some money. Coffins are crazy expensive considering that you only get one use out of them. I'm thinking about something simple, but tasteful, and made of wood. I figure I can put a glass top over it and use it as a coffee table until the need arises.

Rich
Click to expand...

Hmmm, I have been looking for a new wood working project for the winter. Start with the Wife’s coffin first?
 
Having buried multiple family members and loved ones and dealt with the funeral-industrial complex, my wife and I have both decided on cremation and scatteringof our cremains in our favorite trout streams, no “viewings”, no wakes, etc. Organ donation if any still useable.
No sense burying part of my estate that will go to environmental causes or taking up precious ground space on this planet.
 
CharlieD3 said:
Cremate me... I have no need for this body in heaven.

To avoid the expense, you can donate your body to science at the nearest medical University... They usually pay for disposal and delivery of the cremains.

I'm spending all I got on flying...

If the heaven comment triggers you, I'm sorry. That's what I believe...YMMV.
Click to expand...
When my brother-in-law called about looking into purchasing a plot next to them, he said ‘I’d like for everyone to be together, that is if you don’t mind seeing me when we get woken up!’

:)
 
Matthew said:
I have not gone that far - but my own parents have. They've gotten all their paperwork together and have a copy at the local funeral home that will handle everything. I did ask if they went so far as to pencil in a date yet, but they have not done that. My dad had his own experience when he had to handle his dad's affairs and doesn't want that burden to fall on me, or anyone else.

We have our living wills, advanced directives, and powers of atty all drawn up for whenever we may need them. I figure I'll go first, so anything more won't be my problem.



Photos are an interesting way to live a long time after you are gone. They are approx 1/125th of a second of someone's life. With everything digital these days, there aren't too many prints hanging around. I have photos of great grandparents when they were kids.

After my grandmother died, the family went to a local restaurant for lunch (in one of the south Chicago suburbs). Along the walls were old pictures that someone had rounded up as part of their interior decoration motif. I'm not sure where they got them, maybe from a local historical society. They were pictures of that neighborhood from a long, long time ago. One of my uncles took me over to one of them and pointed at it - it was a picture of a boys soccer team (maybe 12yo) from the local grade school. This was a predominantly German immigrant part of town, so soccer would have been popular back in the early 1900's. My uncle pointed specifically at one of the boys, it was my grandfather, the husband of the woman we had just buried. He was finished with school by the 6th grade so that might as well have been his graduation picture. Around the corner was another photo of two gentlemen in a general store, they were wearing their blood soaked aprons and standing in front of the meat counter. My uncle pointed them out, too. That was the general store where my grandfather worked, cutting meat when he was in 5th or 6th grade and the two guys at the counter were his 2 uncles.
Click to expand...

For sure, photos help your memory live longer. I have photos from when my grandmother was the age of my daughters - and that includes photos of her parents when they were about my age. I look nothing like them - I look like my dad's side and that's all on my mom's. But I don't recall their names.

One thing I wonder with the digital revolution is what will happen. We're taking more photos than ever but we have fewer of them printed and framed. It will be interesting to see 100 years from now what happens. Facebook is transient, too.

Of course, I don't care about my memory existing after I'm gone. That will be up to my kids, grandkids, all of our descendants to carry the world forward from whatever we've left them. I just want to leave the world a better place than I found it for them, and leave them in as good of a state as I can (mentally more than anything) to leave the world a better place than they found it. That's the best legacy any of us can leave.
 
A buddy of mine died in an accident a couple years ago. He was working in his garage and apparently fell off a ladder. His wife found him on the floor an unknown time later. He had a fatal head injury but the rest of his body was still alive. He did have the opportunity to meet his grandson, born 2 days earlier. His wishes were for organ donation. By the time they were done salvaging parts, he was cremated and approx 80 people were recipients of tissue and organs. It was a simple thing that made the lives of a large number of people, and their families, better. That is one way to live after you are gone.
 
My mom, long passed, bought an antique coffin (pine box) with silk lining and a pillow... She used it for a coffee table.

She and one of her friends used to fight over who might get to use it first...

Mom was cremated... I sold the coffin to her friend, who really wanted it...

Dealing with the detritus of a life is painful. Best to leave very little for the relatives and kids to fight over...

Sell stuff now, get more AMUs.

Practicality is simplicity.
 
Ryanb said:
Has anyone else pre-planned for their final arrangements or been down this road with a family member?
Click to expand...
The best thing you can do is WRITE down all your final requirements for those who will take care of them. Having been on the other side with zero info (family/close friends) and trying to work out all the details it can be a blessing to open up a folder and it's all laid out in front of that person.

I had one close friend who knew he was going and itemized everything to be done right down to who got his tools, guns, and beer can collection. But he was lucky as he had a warning he was going. Another friend dropped dead at 50 and not even his wife knew what he wanted done with his stuff.

Call it morbid or whatever, but a lot of people can't talk about dying let alone think about. As stated above, it will happen one day. I have everything written down (updated yearly) and 4 people know where that binder is located. My better half doesn't know where it is because she doesn't want to deal with/talk about it now. Such is life.
 
I'm going through this now. My mother is terminal. My father is really uninterested in dealing with the details. Fortunately, my sister is handling most of this. My mother didn't want to be cremated, mostly we're placing her resting place for the convenience of my father.

(My father on the other hand is unconcerned with his body after death. He suggested that he be cremated and his ashes spread on Donald Trump).

Fortunately a few years back my parents (using the same attorney I did) got their wills and such in order. My father always said getting his will done was on his bucket list.
 
As mentioned, pre-planning is a great gift to the ones who must deal with it...especially if you can provide the funds easily as well.

It, on multiple levels, probably kept me and my brother from rolling around on the ground while others yelled 'kick his ass Seabass!'
 
Organ donor here, use what you can and cremate the rest. Please do not allow me to take up space on this planet after I'm gone.

My former life in the civil engineering field I've had to design around three different old, rumored grave yards. Nobody could tell you with certainty that there were bodies there, even with GPR, just grave-sized indentions and old tales. I don't want to cause a piece of land to be unusable for future generations or have to be dug up and moved or something.
 
*sigh* mortals...I think I'm good. Unless someone finds a stash of Kryptonite.

Seriously, I'm with the guy who posted above me. If I have any useful parts they're welcome to them.

And I'm contemplating giving up one of them this winter. I only need one kidney, right?
 
Pre-buying a plot can work, but sometimes it can make things a bit awkward - particularly in the event of deaths and re-marriages. And, sometimes, for whatever reason, people change their mind about where they (or someone else) wants to be.
Look into what it would take to sell an unused plot.
 
Ryanb said:
Has anyone else pre-planned for their final arrangements or been down this road with a family member?
Click to expand...

Yes. I’ll be doing the same as dad. Cremate me, and here’s the account number for the open bar party. The money is in it. Under no circumstances shall anyone go anywhere near a freaking funeral home or cemetery.

Quite a number of people attending his party said the party changed their “funeral” plans.

Dad added the additional requirement that a sign be hung that said, “Remember, you’ll only hear one side of the story today. - Terry”.

LOL. Screw funerals.
 
My inlaws bought 4 plots...two for them, two for the kids. Both kids are married, so I’m not sure what they will or have done with the extras.

My parents are planning on cremating, with the cremains buried together. Since there’s a possibility that the surviving parent will move in with one of the kids, they haven’t decided where the cremains will be buried, and are planning on one set just being another piece of luggage when the surviving parent moves.

I told my wif to cremate me, and take the cremains to Tullahoma and give them to someone who needs their R985 cylinders polished, so at leas I can be of good use. ;)
 
Ryanb said:
Thanks. It’s amazing how much you value a person until they’re not around any longer.
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Taking folks for granted is a common shared trait with us humans. We think nothing is ever going to change.

It’s one of the reasons I rarely attend funerals. If I didn’t tell them how I felt before they were gone, I messed up.

The list of people I’ll attend funerals for is very short and definitely based in “honoring” them for something about who they were to me.

Also getting annoyed at how many of them are happening now. This getting old crap isn’t for wimps. Ha.
 
denverpilot said:
Taking folks for granted is a common shared trait with us humans. We think nothing is ever going to change.

It’s one of the reasons I rarely attend funerals. If I didn’t tell them how I felt before they were gone, I messed up.

The list of people I’ll attend funerals for is very short and definitely based in “honoring” them for something about who they were to me.

Also getting annoyed at how many of them are happening now. This getting old crap isn’t for wimps. Ha.
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For me, the visitation/funeral isn’t about the deceased...it’s about the friends and relatives left behind.
 
My wife was cremated and I have a spot in the niche next to her. Put our ashes in jars there after removing anything useful. After her death, I updated all the necessary paperwork, will, POA, etc in place for me and updated a letter to the kids with passwords, safe deposit box location/key, frequent flyer accounts and a bunch of other stuff not important enough to put in a will.

As I find crap around the house and hangar I haven’t used or expect to use, it goes to eBay, Goodwill, EAA Chapter members, kids, local A&P school, whoever might have a use for the stuff. Less hassle for the kids to deal with after my demise.

Cheers
 
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Ryanb said:
Has anyone else pre-planned for their final arrangements or been down this road with a family member?
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My wife and I have already purchased side by side plots in the cemetery in the town we consider home. I don't expect to need them for several more decades.
 
I sometimes worry about my mom. She is 87, turning 88 next month. She is the oldest living family member right now. She has outlived all others in the family from her generation.

I can't help to think that all her family and friends are in heaven thinking....''I wonder where Evelyn went.??''

For myself, I am working on a video funeral. I will be sitting there on the giant screen, looking into the camera, greeting people as they walk in until it is time to start. Then I will say, ''Ok folks, find a seat, we are about to start. I know most of you here are Southern Baptist so there is a lot of food to eat after the service, so the quicker we start the quicker we get to the food.''

I'll spend a few minutes going over my life, and talk about a few people that had a positive impact on my life, and some of the things I did. There will be some pictures in the video of things I did in my life. Then I'll talk about my wife.

There will be a pause for the preacher to speak, then time for a couple songs. At the end I will thank everyone for coming, then I will climb into a race car and make a few high speed passes, then I'll park the car and climb into a plane. I'll do a couple low passes, then one last pass and climb into the sky towards the setting sun, while the song "I'm Walking On Sunshine" is blasting out the speakers.

Then as my casket is being wheeled out, the song, "Don't You Forget About Me'' will be playing.....

Copies of the video on CD will be sold in the lobby.....
 
Zeldman said:
I sometimes worry about my mom. She is 87, turning 88 next month. She is the oldest living family member right now. She has outlived all others in the family from her generation.

I can't help to think that all her family and friends are in heaven thinking....''I wonder where Evelyn went.??''

For myself, I am working on a video funeral. I will be sitting there on the giant screen, looking into the camera, greeting people as they walk in until it is time to start. Then I will say, ''Ok folks, find a seat, we are about to start. I know most of you here are Southern Baptist so there is a lot of food to eat after the service, so the quicker we start the quicker we get to the food.''

I'll spend a few minutes going over my life, and talk about a few people that had a positive impact on my life, and some of the things I did. There will be some pictures in the video of things I did in my life. Then I'll talk about my wife.

There will be a pause for the preacher to speak, then time for a couple songs. At the end I will thank everyone for coming, then I will climb into a race car and make a few high speed passes, then I'll park the car and climb into a plane. I'll do a couple low passes, then one last pass and climb into the sky towards the setting sun, while the song "I'm Walking On Sunshine" is blasting out the speakers.

Then as my casket is being wheeled out, the song, "Don't You Forget About Me'' will be playing.....

Copies of the video on CD will be sold in the lobby.....
Click to expand...

My wife and should do something like this just for our autistic son. Right now, I don't think he would understand why we didn't come home, that we were gone forever. I'm about to cry just thinking about him learning about loss like that.
 
Depart with full tanks, set the AP westbound over the pacific, pilot skydives out before leaving land and let the chips fall when she sputters her last combustion event.
 
Fiveslide said:
Organ donor here, use what you can and cremate the rest. Please do not allow me to take up space on this planet after I'm gone.
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My feeling. Recycle the good parts, trash the rest.
 
CharlieD3 said:
To avoid the expense, you can donate your body to science at the nearest medical University... They usually pay for disposal and delivery of the cremains.
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What if you were hit by a bus and nothing usable remained?
 
The other day I watched a show on 'green burials' on HBO. That's kind of neat. Instead of the nonsense with 'vaults' , formaldehyde and laquered styrofoam coffins, you are buried in a shallow grave in a wooded lot. Your coffin is either simple pine box or you are buried wrapped in a cotton sheet. A few months, the earthworms do their thing and you are reduced to feeding the trees with the nitrogen and carbon in your body.

They also had a part about a gentleman with cancer who chose to go on his own terms under Californias 'death with dignity law'. Invited his friends to a celebration of life with videos and slideshow accompanied by adult beverages. When someone asked him 'so how much time do you have?' his answer was 'Tuesday 10am'. And that's what happened . With his wife and his kids on his side, he took a cup full of dissolved narcotics, fell asleep and was gone. His kids placed him into a pine casket he had built as a last carpentry project with one of his sons.
 
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