Deferring Marriage and a Family to fly professionally

Half Fast said:
You don't consider a desire to raise a family to be an ambition? Interesting......
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I absolutely do, I worded that poorly. I was referring to her career ambitions, as the OP seemed to indicate that her working/starting a legitimate career was important to him. If they jointly reach the decision that he’s the breadwinner and she’s a stay at home mom, that’s different and certainly a full time job.

Based on the OPs post it appears to me like he’s envisioning DINK at least for awhile.
 
According to Jordan Peterson, half of thirty-year-old women have never had a child. Of those, half never will. Of those, 90% will regret it.

The girl in the OP doesn’t want to wind up on the wrong side of statistics like that, and the OP shouldn’t want her there either.
 
OneCharlieTango said:
According to Jordan Peterson, half of thirty-year-old women have never had a child. Of those, half never will. Of those, 90% will regret it.

The girl in the OP doesn’t want to wind up on the wrong side of statistics like that, and the OP shouldn’t want her there either.
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I agree and it sounds like they are just in really different places. Look deep in your heart and decide to either let her go find the right person, or see that you truly have the same priorities that she does. AT this point, it looks like she wants to settle down and he doesn't, so stop leading her on.
 
Interesting position you're in.

I would suggest that finding a woman who wants to marry you and whom you like is not a very common thing. It takes time and effort. Its not really something you can just wake up one morning and say "You know, I think I'll got find the love of my life today" and be done by suppertime.

Aviation, on the other hand, will pretty much be there. Not only will aviation be there, I can decide what type of aviating I want to do. Solo, XC, some dual, some glider, some tail-dragger, etc.

Being ready to marry. Oooh boy. Nobody is ever actually ready for marriage (or kids for that matter). The ones with the biggest shock are the ones who think they are. Marriage is something you jump into and you will either sort it out or not. The ones who profess to being ready are usually the ones with the biggest adjustment when they actually engage in it. Just accept that there will rarely be a really 'perfect time' to get married. There is always something that will not be quite right.

You seem to view being married as a negative. Yet, you're overlooking the positives. You'll have somebody in your corner who will encourage you when the days of self-doubt come around. Someone to talk to about the struggles. You will have someone to look forward to coming home to. Someone to share the joys of a promotion, of a new job, etc. There are tons of benefits to marriage (including even in taxes!).

Having kids is great. A lot of work, yes. But a kid to help learn things, to share your interests with, to help them meet their own goals and desires. There is nothing else like it. Very few things in life compare to the range of emotions that kids can bring into your life and some of the most contradictory ones will occur at the same time. (On one hand, you really understand the appeal of child sacrifices; but on the other, it was pretty funny)

---------

With all that said, what is my advice? Sorry, dude. But that is for you to decide. I just merely want to point out that marriage and kids are not net-negatives at all.

Let us know which way you go with this, we're all curious how it is decided.
 
guest user said:
You seem to view being married as a negative. Yet, you're overlooking the positives. You'll have somebody in your corner who will encourage you when the days of self-doubt come around. Someone to talk to about the struggles. You will have someone to look forward to coming home to. Someone to share the joys of a promotion, of a new job, etc. There are tons of benefits to marriage (including even in taxes!).
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:yeahthat: :yeahthat: :yeahthat:
 
OP you’re getting a lot of feedback here, but for goodness sake please do not use an anonymous Internet forum to make your life choices.

If you really don’t have anyone else to ask, then talk to yourself 10, 15, 20 years from now.

Future you is who you need to make happy; either with the life he is living or with the pride in the decisions he made.

Good luck to you.
 
Don’t marry, and especially don’t even think about having kids unless you are 100% positive that you want that to be your life for the rest of your life, no matter what happens. Don’t marry or have kids to make someone else happy, but do it because this is your life and you want them to be your family forever, and you’re 100% okay with giving up your bachelor life.
 
There are certainly careers less conducive to family life than being an airline pilot. Being military often results in lengthy deployments and absences, yet families are more common than not.

It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to do what you already know is the right thing, which is to move on - or at least not to commit.
 
Reading through this thread makes me realize yet again how lucky I am. My wife has been with me through a large portion of my career and has put up with the associated BS like a trooper. It helps that we don't have kids, that's for sure.
 
Guest User upstream said something I really like: “Being ready to marry. Oooh boy. Nobody is ever actually ready for marriage (or kids for that matter).”

I’m at the stage where I go to too many funerals. When I look at some of the wedding pictures being displayed, and look back at my own, I see familiar looks on the faces…kids, basically. The bride has one of two expressions: either joy in her eyes or the “what have I just done?” look. The groom always has the deer in the headlights face.

Sometimes you just have to jump and figure it out on the way down.
 
I'm just going to point out that those advocating for the career and against the woman are (generally) warning about the dangers and horrors of divorce. Those advocating for the woman and against the career have been married to only one person and consider it (marriage) a great blessing.

Divorce is a nasty thing and well worth avoiding.

Marriage is a wonderful thing well worth pursuing.

If divorce is so scary a thing that one would prefer to avoid marriage altogether, so be it. But think not of marriage itself as any kind of negative or bad state with no redeeming qualities of its own. I can't think of anything for which I would trade my marriage.
 
2-Bit Speed said:
I'm just going to point out that those advocating for the career and against the woman are (generally) warning about the dangers and horrors of divorce. Those advocating for the woman and against the career have been married to only one person and consider it (marriage) a great blessing.

Divorce is a nasty thing and well worth avoiding.

Marriage is a wonderful thing well worth pursuing.

If divorce is so scary a thing that one would prefer to avoid marriage altogether, so be it. But think not of marriage itself as any kind of negative or bad state with no redeeming qualities of its own. I can't think of anything for which I would trade my marriage.
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This is a nice thought. But some marriages are also well worth avoiding, and divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. The right marriage is well worth pursuing. But the right marriage also won't require much pursuing. It also won't require asking strangers on the Internet if it's a good idea.
 
2-Bit Speed said:
I'm just going to point out that those advocating for the career and against the woman are (generally) warning about the dangers and horrors of divorce. Those advocating for the woman and against the career have been married to only one person and consider it (marriage) a great blessing.

Divorce is a nasty thing and well worth avoiding.

Marriage is a wonderful thing well worth pursuing.

If divorce is so scary a thing that one would prefer to avoid marriage altogether, so be it. But think not of marriage itself as any kind of negative or bad state with no redeeming qualities of its own. I can't think of anything for which I would trade my marriage.
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Standing by for the rebuttal from @SkyChaser .......
;)
 
Lindberg said:
It also won't require asking strangers on the Internet if it's a good idea.
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Frankly, that probably indicates the one asking isn’t yet mature enough for marriage. (And probably not for an aviation career, for that matter.)
 
Half Fast said:
Standing by for the rebuttal from @SkyChaser .......
;)
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I'm still trying to figure out how I convinced a guy to marry so far below what he otherwise could have caught, so you'll have to find someone else. I'm busy. :biggrin:

Seriously, though, it's a lot like flight training. Some days you wonder why you thought you were smart enough to fly a plane and some days, the weather is perfect and you feel like you're a part of the plane, it's so easy...and no matter what type of day it is, you know it's always, always worth it because you're flying. @2-Bit Speed and I have had a few turbulent days, because we're both humans, but most of our time is beautiful flying weather and those turbulent days are a small price to pay for the joy of the rest of the time. Saying yes was definitely the best decision of my entire life. :) (At the risk of being branded a heretic and excommunicated from POA, if it ever came to the point where I had to choose flying or my marriage, @2-Bit Speed would win eight days to Sunday. :eek:)
 
SkyChaser said:
I'm still trying to figure out how I convinced a guy to marry so far below what he otherwise could have caught,
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I don't know either one of you personally but using the honorable tradition of judging by what both have contributed to the POA threads ... he is definitely, without any doubt, question, or contradiction the one that married up! :biggrin:

If you have him correctly trained he will most certainly agree ... ;)
 
Daleandee said:
I don't know either one of you personally but using the honorable tradition of judging by what both have contributed to the POA threads ... he is definitely, without any doubt, question, or contradiction the one that married up! :biggrin:

If you have him correctly trained he will most certainly agree ... ;)
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To be fair to the young man, he didn’t have as good of an upbringing as she.
 
Daleandee said:
I don't know either one of you personally but using the honorable tradition of judging by what both have contributed to the POA threads ... he is definitely, without any doubt, question, or contradiction the one that married up! :biggrin:

If you have him correctly trained he will most certainly agree ... ;)
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I was going to say that I didn't have to train him as he came pre-trained, but I *have* been feeding him yummy treats and telling him when he's doing good stuff, so maybe that's the easy way to train a husband? :biggrin: Also, you've just seen the curated and polished version of me. I'm just really good at making myself look good on the internet. If you knew me personally, you would probably change your mind. :cool:
 
Appropriated from the Beech Aero Club forum (with apologies to the member's wife):

1713990582007.png
 
guest user said:
You seem to view being married as a negative. Yet, you're overlooking the positives. You'll have somebody in your corner who will encourage you when the days of self-doubt come around. Someone to talk to about the struggles. You will have someone to look forward to coming home to. Someone to share the joys of a promotion, of a new job, etc. There are tons of benefits to marriage (including even in taxes!).

Having kids is great. A lot of work, yes. But a kid to help learn things, to share your interests with, to help them meet their own goals and desires. There is nothing else like it. Very few things in life compare to the range of emotions that kids can bring into your life and some of the most contradictory ones will occur at the same time. (On one hand, you really understand the appeal of child sacrifices; but on the other, it was pretty funny)
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But MANY women (and men) do NOT do that. They are all about themselves and do not understand that marriage is a compromise. So you may luck out and get that support. Or, it seems more likely, you will get someone who just doesn't want to hear it and wants you to do what THEY want to make their life better.

Kids can be great, but they are expensive. We were too selfish to have kids and have never regretted it.

And I disagree with many here. There is not only one person for you out there. Yes, it can be work to find them, but they are out there. I have seen too many people decide that this is the ONLY one for them, to be divorced shortly there after and then later find a MUCH better match.
 
Ed Haywood said:
Yep, spent several winters there. Great dudes. Women are viking princesses.
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Both sides of my Dad's family emigrated from Norway as youngsters in the 19th century to what was MN before it was a state. His generation spoke some Norwegian but I only learned a few words, with the exception of a recent vulgarism.
 
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Pinecone said:
But MANY women (and men) do NOT do that. They are all about themselves and do not understand that marriage is a compromise. So you may luck out and get that support. Or, it seems more likely, you will get someone who just doesn't want to hear it and wants you to do what THEY want to make their life better.

Kids can be great, but they are expensive. We were too selfish to have kids and have never regretted it.

And I disagree with many here. There is not only one person for you out there. Yes, it can be work to find them, but they are out there. I have seen too many people decide that this is the ONLY one for them, to be divorced shortly there after and then later find a MUCH better match.
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Yes, these things happen.

People die in aircraft accidents. People die in motorcycle accidents. Yet there is no shortage of people who will sing their praises. I, as have many on this board, have done both.

People getting married and it not working out is obviously a thing. We can have a whole discussion on the reasons why. Very rarely is it a simple answer.

Kids, I've had a couple, and we've never regretted it.

Many of us stop with finding one person so never actually go investigate other options. However, that is also not unheard of. Of all the "Grass is NOT always greener on the other side" sayings, several are applicable to failed marriages. Where the source of discontent was comparison of current spouse to potential spouses.

So, perhaps we can agree that these topics can be quite complex and many different opinions on the subject can be valid.
 
2-Bit Speed said:
Maybe I should have clarified that pursuit of marriage does not stop once married. It still takes work. It still takes effort.
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We’ve managed 39 years now. Nobody said it would be easy. But once you finally realize it isn’t “you” (singular) and “her” or “him” but that it’s now “you” (plural) that does help a lot. Some couples never figure that out.
 
Ed Haywood said:
Was a silly joke, pertaining to "mouse" being slang in Norway for a female body part.
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You prompted me to do a little research.

The first trans-Atlantic flight of a Beech Musketeer (aka "Mouse") was flown by a Norwegian. Bjorn Bostad, formerly of the Norwegian air force, departed Boston in 1962 on a 5,000 mile trip. Both the copilot seat and the rear passenger seat were removed and replaced with fuel tanks, making the plane's take-off weight 124% of MTOW. After landing in Shannon, Ireland, he proceeded to Neuchatel, Switzerland.
 
2-Bit Speed said:
Maybe I should have clarified that pursuit of marriage does not stop once married. It still takes work. It still takes effort.
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You are correct, but one should also note that the pursuit of a suitable marriage partner definitely should stop once married. Some never learn that.
 
DaleB said:
You are correct, but one should also note that the pursuit of a suitable marriage partner definitely should stop once married. Some never learn that.
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Well, you know pilots; always looking for an alternate, just in case....
 
Matthew said:
We’ve managed 39 years now. Nobody said it would be easy. But once you finally realize it isn’t “you” (singular) and “her” or “him” but that it’s now “you” (plural) that does help a lot. Some couples never figure that out.
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The way forward for me (us) was to learn the I have a life, she has a life, and we have a life together. Knowing how to separate & intertwine those three things is what makes it easy. I hear so many saying that it takes work to make a marriage work but that hasn't been my experience. Respect for one another is the beginning ...

BTW, 36 and counting!
 
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