Would your parents let you move back home if your life goes south?

Matthew said:
It is interesting - for many years, it was custom to move out and get on your own. And we always looked oddly whenever a family from a different cultural background moved into the neighborhood and brought their extended family with them.

Maybe things in this country are changing? Or maybe we're just more aware of it?
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Even in this country, there always have been cultural variations that favored extended families. My Italian-American tradition is one of them.

My paternal grandmother lived with my parents and I when I was very young, and then moved to live with one of my uncles when he bought a house that had more room. He was able to build her a little apartment, of sorts, on the second floor, with its own kitchen because she loved to cook and bake, and she lived there until she died. In return, she helped to cook, tended the garden, baby-sat for all of the extended family's children, and offered a kind ear and sage advice to anyone who needed to talk.

Other elderly extended relatives of mine also live with their children or grandchildren. I don't think any of them are in nursing homes or "assisted care" facilities. And if my parents ever require it, I'll move in with them (or vice-versa). It's just the way things are and always have been in my family.

Rich
 
My parents moved into our MIL suite last September. My dad's health & cognitive function had been declining for some time and while mom was reluctant, after they moved she admitted taking care of him (and a household) was getting beyond her. He died December 5th.

She is still living in the MIL suite and the plan is she will continue to do so.

My kids are all out of the house save the youngest who is 17. All are welcome assuming they are going to school. All are welcome in a pinch for a short duration (somewhat fuzzily defined). Both of my sons I had to ask to leave at different times (time to grow up and own your choices). Both have been back for some amount of time during life transitions and both are better houseguests now. :)

John
 
I am 57, my mom is 85, and she would let me and my wife move in..... but she has told us repeatedly that she will not move in with us..... She is still very active and play the cello in a local community orchestra.
 
jsstevens said:
My parents moved into our MIL suite last September. My dad's health & cognitive function had been declining for some time and while mom was reluctant, after they moved she admitted taking care of him (and a household) was getting beyond her. He died December 5th.
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Lost Mom to cancer, then two years later Dad got cancer. Living 600mi from the closest of us, we ALL offered for him to move in, or sell his house and buy one nearby, but nope! His reply to any offers of help: "I've lived here all my life and dammit I'm going to die here too", and he did.
 
Bill Jennings said:
Lost Mom to cancer, then two years later Dad got cancer. Living 600mi from the closest of us, we ALL offered for him to move in, or sell his house and buy one nearby, but nope! His reply to any offers of help: "I've lived here all my life and dammit I'm going to die here too", and he did.
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I think dad would have been happier at home but it was killing mom. They lived ~45minutes by car from us and it was just not practical to get up in the middle of the night for ER runs, etc. We respected his/their wishes probably longer than we should have in this case. But mom seems to be (physically anyway) recovering.

My MIL, on the other hand, stayed in her house until she was ready. But in retrospect, there were a lot of ways that year could have ended very badly. Thankfully, it didn't.

John
 
Bill Jennings said:
Lost Mom to cancer, then two years later Dad got cancer. Living 600mi from the closest of us, we ALL offered for him to move in, or sell his house and buy one nearby, but nope! His reply to any offers of help: "I've lived here all my life and dammit I'm going to die here too", and he did.
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I can understand his position. Part of why I don't plan on moving mom near us is because it would kill her. The only places she wants to be are New York and France. The plan is to let her live out the rest of her life in the places she wants to be. We'll see how that works out. Honestly, I hope that she just has a sudden decline and goes from being able to live on her own to dead in an extremely short period of time. That's what I hope for all of us, the slow decline that my grandmother had was awful to watch, and I'm sure far worse to live.
 
I have pondered this whole thing before and I really think this whole striking out on your own as soon as you're 18 thing must be unique to the last couple generations in the US and some of the other prosperous 1st world nations. If you look at it from a sort of practical and economical point of view it makes a heck of a lot more sense for a couple of generations in a family to live together than it does for each child to spend half a lifetime working to pay off a mortgage for their own home.

Back when most families ran a farm parents encouraged the kids to stay home and work there(free labor) until they inherited it. I think we started transitioning away from that as farming and other industries became more mechanized and you didn't need family members with strong backs as much. Our nation's prosperity made it feasible to strike out on your own... and I think something in our culture makes living under mom and dad's rules unbearable for many teenagers and 20-somethings.

Living on your own and not having your parents nosing into every aspect of your life is I think an unspoken part of the American dream.
 
Interesting responses everyone. It's great that most of you had an option to move back with your parents if you had to.
 
My wife and our daughters lived with her parents for a month when we left Ft Sill (Lawton), OK bound for Ft Sam Houston, TX in San Antonio in 2000. The Army in its infinite wisdom transferred me in January. My wife, a school teacher, wanted to fulfill her contract (in the event we got moved back at some point) and allow our older daughter to finish the school year. They stayed in our house until early May when we moved our household goods and the house sold. As soon as school was out, they loaded up and headed south as quickly as possible.

My wife assured me she would never do that again!

It is good to have the option. It is better to never have to exercise it. :D
 
cowman said:
I have pondered this whole thing before and I really think this whole striking out on your own as soon as you're 18 thing must be unique to the last couple generations in the US and some of the other prosperous 1st world nations. If you look at it from a sort of practical and economical point of view it makes a heck of a lot more sense for a couple of generations in a family to live together than it does for each child to spend half a lifetime working to pay off a mortgage for their own home.

Back when most families ran a farm parents encouraged the kids to stay home and work there(free labor) until they inherited it. I think we started transitioning away from that as farming and other industries became more mechanized and you didn't need family members with strong backs as much. Our nation's prosperity made it feasible to strike out on your own... and I think something in our culture makes living under mom and dad's rules unbearable for many teenagers and 20-somethings.

Living on your own and not having your parents nosing into every aspect of your life is I think an unspoken part of the American dream.
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I think if you take a look at the US, we are a country made up of people whose recent ancestors (or perhaps the individuals themselves) who made the decision to leave home to come look for better work or adventure elsewhere. I think that we end up being a bit more nomadic than the average country. Some of that is enabled by our infrastructure, but it wasn't particularly enabled even 100 years ago. In my family, my grandparents both moved from home (my grandmother was one of 5, and her siblings ended up all over the country). My great-grandparents were the ones who came to the USA in the first place. My mom and uncle both moved away from home (of course, home also moved during their upbringing). My cousins and I also all moved away from home (even though we were raised in one location for effectively our whole upbringing) with the exception of my youngest cousin, who's lazy and her parents won't kick her out at age 42. Similar story on my wife's side.

I realize not all families are like mine (some are the polar opposite where the kids build houses on the farm next to mom and dad), but I think it is much more normal in our culture to move far from home looking for work or adventure. Our personalities are for the most part compatible with this. Genetics do play significantly into our personalities, and I suspect that influences it to some degree. This even happens with retirement, as many people choose to retire someplace else.
 
N918KT said:
I have a question for all you guys in your 20's out there. Do you guys have a safety net of being able to move back home with your parents if things do not work out when you moved out? Or would your parents say "Sorry, but we can't help you. Figure it out on your own" or something along those lines?
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The nursing home probably wouldn't allow it. Oh wait, I'm not in my 20's any more.
 
I didn't have a safety net from about 16-ish years old to maybe 25. One of my parents has their life put back together now and I suppose if **** did hit the fan they'd probably let me briefly stay there. However the idea of that is pretty laughable and unlikely and additionally I have friends that I would be going to first.
 
I know kids that never actually left. Well past their 20's. No overt reason evident.

edit
Oh, and as much as I loved them, there is no way in heII I would have moved back in with mine when I was 20! Give me dumpster diving first! Things have changed, there was a independent streak about my crowd.
 
My family will always take in family, and we are known to take in non-family, too. Just how we all are. Most of us have a few horror stories to tell from that latter scenario too. But we're all pretty fiercely independent sorts, also, and wouldn't want to move in with anyone if we didn't have to.

My little sis was largely dependent on mom for a lot of stuff in her 20s, due to a heavy school schedule (Masters in architecture in five years from go) and now mostly keeps to herself now that she's established. She's the most independent. We don't hear from her for many months at a time.

I stayed with my grandfolks for a couple of years during school stuff. They loved having me around as little as I was there with three jobs. (And all of those jobs are available to kids these days also, in direct opposition to all the doom and gloomers who say there's no jobs. And they're always hiring. It's called "grunt work". And was simply a means to an end.)
 
The Greatest Generation are spinning in their graves.....
 
Ted DuPuis said:
Honestly, I hope that she just has a sudden decline and goes from being able to live on her own to dead in an extremely short period of time. That's what I hope for all of us, the slow decline that my grandmother had was awful to watch, and I'm sure far worse to live.
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Everyone want to die suddenly after a short illness at an extreme old age. Most don't. If your grandmother went through a long slow decline it is likely your mother will do the same, sorry. I can't go home to anyone, they're all dead. I'm the old man now.
 
steingar said:
Everyone want to die suddenly after a short illness at an extreme old age. Most don't. If your grandmother went through a long slow decline it is likely your mother will do the same, sorry. I can't go home to anyone, they're all dead. I'm the old man now.
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That's effectively my situation, except I'm much younger than you.
 
denverpilot said:
Why? Most of them lived on the family farm until they got married.
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Or took over the family farm. I think it was more common in the past for extended family to live together. It still is for some immigrants, which is how they can afford to live in some of the cities they do. Everyone pitches in.
 
Ted DuPuis said:
...
Honestly, I hope that she just has a sudden decline and goes from being able to live on her own to dead in an extremely short period of time. That's what I hope for all of us, the slow decline that my grandmother had was awful to watch, and I'm sure far worse to live.
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Yep. My wife's parents did the slow decline. Her mother died last year. Her father is still alive, but significant dementia. Some days he knows my wife's name and that she is his daughter. Other days he knows she's someone he should know. :(

I told the kids if that happens to me to push me down the stairs.

I use a line I got from a co-worker many years ago: "I want to be shot dead at 95 in bed by a jealous husband." :D Basically, live a long healthy life, with a short ending chapter.

Watching the slow decline of my wife's parents is painful, and they're my in-laws. I think it will be worse when it's my parents. My parents are in their 70's and doing well. They're off to Paris in just over a month. Canceled a trip to Boston this month as their new home is wrapping up construction, so they didn't want to have conflicts with dates.
 
wayne said:
Watching the slow decline of my wife's parents is painful, and they're my in-laws. I think it will be worse when it's my parents. My parents are in their 70's and doing well. They're off to Paris in just over a month. Canceled a trip to Boston this month as their new home is wrapping up construction, so they didn't want to have conflicts with dates.
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Watching my grandmother's decline was hard. She got paranoid and thought she ran out of money and what little she had everyone was trying to take from her (neither of those were true at all). There were a lot of conversations where my uncle ended up having to storm out of the room because she was being belligerent and he's impatient.

I think the harder part with my mom is there are no good ways to handle having her with some sort of long-term care that I can see. All options are bad. My mom is also in her 70s and doing pretty well, but I feel like she could be dead tomorrow and could go another 20 years. That level of uncertainty of what will happen with a lot of bad options if she lives another 20 years causes more anxiety than anything.
 
Everskyward said:
Or took over the family farm. I think it was more common in the past for extended family to live together. It still is for some immigrants, which is how they can afford to live in some of the cities they do. Everyone pitches in.
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Yeah, that too. My grandfather's generation sold off the South Dakota farm(s) in my family and went into road paving, which also busted up the extended family as folks moved to other towns in SD, CO, and CA, but the cousins in Kansas kept going.

Their kids (my generation) left the farm there for better pay even in a small town, and it looks like that'll be the end of the family farms when dad's cousins die. I hear they also own or run a beauty parlor in one of the tiny farm communities. Haha. Imagine the gossip...
 
Ted DuPuis said:
My mom is also in her 70s and doing pretty well, but I feel like she could be dead tomorrow and could go another 20 years. That level of uncertainty of what will happen with a lot of bad options if she lives another 20 years causes more anxiety than anything.
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The longevity of her parents will say more than anything else how long she is likely to live. Sadly, I can tell you from long sad experience that you'd best have a plan, unless you have older siblings, in which case they'd best have a plan. I suspect she'd like living in Kansas better than being victimized in New York.
 
I am 50, but yes, in my 20's I did actually when i got divorced. I will allow my adult children to stay with us under certain conditions and rules. My 24 yo son is with us now, we all have a plan for his exit, though it will probably be a year. I made it clear to my kids that they could stay, but couldn't free load. You live here, you work here. Two went into the military, one went to college and our prodigal is with us now. I will certainly let them in, but it is better for them to be self sufficient.
 
steingar said:
The longevity of her parents will say more than anything else how long she is likely to live. Sadly, I can tell you from long sad experience that you'd best have a plan, unless you have older siblings, in which case they'd best have a plan. I suspect she'd like living in Kansas better than being victimized in New York.
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It's somewhat bipolar, since my grandmother lived to 94 (that would give mom another 22 years) and my grandfather died at 76 (that would give her another 4). But, he died from prostate cancer, and in the 80s that was a death sentence. Today, who knows how long he would've lived. Mom's already survived enough ailments (including cancer) that my general belief is she'd follow a path closer to my grandfather's, which would be preferable. Not that I'm saying I want her dead sooner, but grandfather died with his brain functioning just fine and had a much shorter and more pleasant decline, from what I was told (I was too young to have any memories of him). Grandmother was not so fortunate.

I'm the only child. So yes, I have several plans for her care as she declines.
 
I'm 50. And I know that if either of my parents were still alive they would welcome me home WITHOUT a downfall. (They don't recognize my personality defects)

Fortunately my 5 older brothers would similarly welcome me in (but they WOULD require a downfall).

You can't pick your family, any more than they could pick you. Love them, help them, and be thankful for them.
 
I have two brothers extant. On lives in a shack in Guatemala. The other lives in a house in Cleveland that's in worse shape than the Guatemalan shack. My sister had a really nice place, but she died. Oh, and right now I'm the only one among my good friends who actually owns a house. I really have to keep my **** together, there's nowhere to go.
 
I'm not in my 20s anymore either, but regardless I'm sure my folks would have no problem letting me move back in. It wouldn't be a free lunch though. They'd want to know I was making an effort to get back on my feet, and I'd have to endure my Dad constantly telling me how aviation is a dead end career and that I should go get a 'real' job. Last winter I ended up paying his mortgage for a few months, and even while that was going on he was *still* giving me crap about what I'm doing for a living.

Sigh....family! :)
 
kayoh190 said:
Last winter I ended up paying his mortgage for a few months, and even while that was going on he was *still* giving me crap about what I'm doing for a living.
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My mom once made that comment to my wife. This is when my wife was an S-92 captain pulling in significantly more than I was. My wife provided a most appropriate, but non-charitable response to my mother. :)

It's funny how people do that. When I was in college, I had a friend who kept on telling me I needed to learn Linux, because there was a lot of money to be made in it. He'd been unemployed for close to a year, unable to find a job. Plus, I really have no interest in Linux. It's roughly equivalent to eating sand for me. After putting up with this incessant (almost daily) banter, I pointed out to him that if there was all this money and all these jobs, then why was he still unemployed? He didn't talk to me for two weeks. :D
 
I know I'm a little late to the thread, but the answer is yes. I wouldn't use it unless I were in dire straits, but it is absolutely available to me. I doubt my parents would mind in the slightest, at least for temporary purposes (year or less). My parents have an almost 4K sq ft home with separate upstairs and downstairs living rooms, bathrooms, and bedrooms. It would be like living in an upstairs 2-bedroom apartment! I'm over at there house around once a week helping out with one project or another as it is, and I enjoy it. However, it's not an option I would exercise without a clear exit plan from the beginning, no matter how accommodating my parents are. I would take them in just the same if they had need, it's just how our immediate family is. If it were my in-laws, it would still be available, but the wife and I would have great reservations about going that route.
 
After college my parents let me move back in with them, after 4 years of free rent and saving I was able to put down a good sum of money to buy a house and fix it. Not having to pay the ridiculously high SF Bay Area rents gave me a heavy advantage over even two jobbed couples. I'm very grateful for my parents support.
I know others my age who still live with their parents, don't even really have a job, do drugs, just pretty much kill time. A kid like that is probably better fit for being kicked out and forced to "adult".
 
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