When A Child Doesn't Want to Fly

Jay Honeck

Jay Honeck

Touchdown! Greaser!
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Jay Honeck
My wife, Mary, and I (both pilots) have treated learning to fly exactly the same as learning to drive, when it came to our kids. When our son turned 17, he took flight lessons, and earned his private within 4 months. He flew into Oshkosh that same year, and is now 4th-year ROTC at the University of Iowa.

Our daughter is now 17, and we have had great difficulty finding proper flight instruction for her at our new home. CFIs are scarce here, and rental planes even scarcer -- but we've persisted, and have finally found a suitable instructor who is willing to fly to the island to give her lessons.

So, yesterday I let her fly us back from lunch. She did great, doing everything from taxiing, to departure, to climb, to navigating. She held course and altitude perfectly, for an hour, and then descended into downwind effortlessly -- where I took over.

After we landed, we discussed her situation. She has never shown a burning desire to fly, so we wanted to make sure that she wouldn't get half-way through her training and then quit -- so we asked her point blank: "Do you want to learn to fly?"

Her answer stunned me: "Not really."

Yikes. She went on to say that, although flying is fun, it's not a huge passion of hers, and she wouldn't spend the money, if it were up to her.

Well, it IS up to her, and I thanked her for her honesty. I also told her that this is a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- no one will EVER give her a pilot's license again -- and she responded that she knew that...

This is really bothering me. She has flown with us since birth, and is a natural. I have a sinking feeling that in 5, 10 or 20 years she will be kicking herself for not taking advantage of this opportunity -- but I don't want to press the issue. Flying is simply not something to take lightly, and I don't want her taking flight lessons because it's something her parents want her to do. She has to truly want to fly, or (IMHO) she could end up hurting herself or others.

But I also want to make sure this is really her logical decision, and not just some "spur of the moment" dumb teenage shoot-from-the-hip statement that she will truly regret later on. I don't know what to say to her, now. All I can see is a huge lost opportunity for her.

I know this is a common situation -- I've heard guys talk about it -- but I've never dealt with it, personally. What did you guys do, when you discovered that your kids were indifferent toward flying? Did any of them eventually come around?

Also, are any of you guys children of pilots, who were given a similar (lost) opportunity, and then later became pilots? What would you say to her today?

Thanks for any and all advice!
 
As an instructor - I wouldn't teach somebody that didn't want to learn themselves. They *need* to be motivated. If someone else is just pushing them it won't work.

Sometimes you just gotta accept that not everybody feels the same passion for aviation as we do.
 
I didn't come from a flying family. And still don't, so it was something I had to do on my own. Now I have two kids who enjoy flying with me, but haven't pursued getting flight training. One has no desire to become a pilot, the other would like to, but doesn't have the drive or desire, right now, to follow through. Maybe someday, but that will be her decision.

It's frustrating to see what you think is a golden opportunity slip by. But, she'll have her own life soon, and you may be happily surprised by how it turns out, even if it doesn't involve flying.
 
Is there a downside to her learning? Does she have other plans for her time? If there isn't a reason not to, talk her into learning just to have it in her toolbox.

I did the same with my kids. Even though my oldest son had no interest in hunting or firearms, there was no downside to learning, so he was willing to learn how to shoot. Same with my younger son, who saw no need for SCUBA lessons. No one can see the future and she cannot know if she will ever have a use for flight training.
 
I agree with Jesse, besides, if she's kicking herself in 10 years, well, she can pay for her error and her flying lessons at the same time, even more motivation....
 
i know it is a bummer for parents/grandparents when the kids don't have the interests they hoped they would have. i've taught a few younger students who were being pushed by their parents to take lessons. it usually took me about one or two flights to realize that they really weren't that interested. Flying is the sort of thing that if you're not interested you shouldn't do it.
 
No experience in either situation but I would say that if she isn't interested, don't push. You are her parents but you will never be able to protect her from the regret of her own decisions. It's a life lesson that she will need to learn at some point and as parents you can't make the decision so you only have to learn to accept her choices for good or bad; happiness or regret.

In the end if she does eventually go on to get her Pilots certificate, she will be able to do it in the minimum time as she already has a foundation.

A foundation and oppurtunities in life is all you can give her, and then you have to figure out how to let her make and live with her own choices.
 
Kids just aren't always into the stuff their parents like. My buddy has a kid just ripe for flight training, he's a very bright straight A student, very responsible, and could easily handle the academic chores. No interest.

No need to push it. The kids will figure out what they want when they do. As far as flight, if you don't WANT it, you don't want it enough.
 
Besides, she has more important things on her mind, like boys.
 
Henning said:
I agree with Jesse, besides, if she's kicking herself in 10 years, well, she can pay for her error and her flying lessons at the same time, even more motivation....
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I agree with this 100%. You learn a lot better if you are motivated rather than just going through the motions to make someone else happy. No matter how much you love that person.
 
jesse said:
As an instructor - I wouldn't teach somebody that didn't want to learn themselves. They *need* to be motivated. If someone else is just pushing them it won't work.
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Exactly. This goes for spouses and friends too.

I don't have any children but I know plenty of pilots whose children were not interested.
 
My kids aren't interested. I've accepted it and I don't push it on them. They think it's fun but they're just not into it like I am.

Reminds me of a friend of mine. He's into raising horses and is always trying to get me to go out to the ranch. This guy will sit and talk about horses ALL DAY if you let him. I try not to be the horse guy when it comes to flying.
 
Wanna make her into a lousy pilot? Make her learn.
I've seen how making a non interested child fly only pushes them further from aviation.
 
Jay, I know that can be a tough one. At times my daughter has told me when I've asked that she would like to learn to fly so I offered to get her glider lessons and she didn't seem to eagar or excited. Sigh. I was kind of deflated but not too much because we have other things in common. I think the dissapoinment comes from wanting so desperately to share our passion with someone we care about. My daughter and I have other things, lacrosse, Phillies Baseball and she does enjoy flying with me. Plus now her friends are the center of her universe.

Henning and Jesse are right ya just can't push them.

Suggestion: Take the $$ you would have spent on a PP ticket and invest it for her ( don't tell her about it) and if she want to take lessons in the future its there if not Its stillyours.
 
It has to be her interest, not your interest.

I've learned that with my wife. She cares very little about flying. She just doesn't care to do it. I don't think she's been in a plane with me in over 2 years. She just has no desire to do it.

I have 2 - 11 month old daughters and I hope they will want to fly, but if they don't, they don't.

It's my passion, not theirs and I can't force it on them.
 
I know what you're going through - my kids nor my wife have interest in flying :(
 
JohnAJohnson said:
Is there a downside to her learning? Does she have other plans for her time? If there isn't a reason not to, talk her into learning just to have it in her toolbox.

I did the same with my kids. Even though my oldest son had no interest in hunting or firearms, there was no downside to learning, so he was willing to learn how to shoot. Same with my younger son, who saw no need for SCUBA lessons. No one can see the future and she cannot know if she will ever have a use for flight training.
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I'm not so sure you can compare those activities with flying. My daughter has said "it would be cool to be a pilot.". But she was mature enough to know that she didn't have it in her to make the commitment that I had for flying. Neither shooting or SCUBA equate to a "license to learn" and require strong and near continuous devotion to maintain proficiency.

Not that she's unmotivated - she got into vet school and is in her first year in the MS State College of Veterinary Medicine - it's just that her motivations and commitments were elsewhere.

Jay, don't fret too much. Listen to "Little Miss Magic" by Jimmy Buffet.
 
Jay Honeck said:
Our daughter is now 17
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That's not in the "child" range. The thread title is all wrong; it should be: "How do I handle my angst when my teenage daughter doesn't want to learn to fly on my dime."

This is really bothering me.
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Learning to fly is about as practical as learning to play a musical instrument well. Both can give pleasure, but neither is essential to a living a full life.
 
Neither of my daughters wanted to learn to fly. Now 28 and 23.... last summer I was able to fly out and bring one of them home from a friend's house. "I'd forgotten how much fun it is to fly!"

-Skip
 
Jim Logajan said:
That's not in the "child" range. The thread title is all wrong; it should be: "How do I handle my angst when my teenage daughter doesn't want to learn to fly on my dime."
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Speaking of angst, when I was a teenage girl just the thought that my parents wanted me to do something was a strike against that activity. Not that I'm going to project that feeling onto Jay's daughter since people are different, but just sayin'.
 
I went to ground school with a girl who was 17 (I was also 17) and was learning to fly because her Dad wanted her to. She only showed up to about half of the classes. She did not get endorsed to take the written test.

Neither of my siblings learned to fly.

I wouldn't push it. There is nothing that kills motivation faster than your parents wanting you to do something.
 
Sometimes your children share your passions. Sometimes they don't. Either way, it's generally not a reflection on your parenting skills. Don't sweat it.
 
Jay,

I am pretty much in the same boat, my 16 year old son while he likes flying doesn't really have the passion for it. I am a CFII and have aircraft available to teach him in. I take him flying now and then and actually give him lessons occasionally. But I am not pushing him, like you said the last thing I want do is push him into it and then have him or someone else get hurt.

Perhaps he will realize what an opportunity he has as he matures, but until then we will just going flying once in a while. If he decides he wants to do it I am going to require he pass the written test 1st to show he has some amount of commitment to it. That also starts the two year clock for him to finish without having to take the written test again.

Brian
CFIIG/ASEL
 
My girlfriend really likes to go flying with me. But if I ask her to take the controls and try a few turns etc.., she absolutely refuses. Completely scared that she is going to do something and kill us. I can explain 100 times that there is NOTHING she can do (well, as long as i'm paying attention) that will make us crash, but this does not register.

I quit asking her after a few tries and a few months (and flights) later, I broached the subject and got an "ok... maybe" !



Since you've already got an instructor i'd suggest you try to get her to take a few flights. Just tell her you've gone to all this trouble to line up a CFI, you'd like her to give it a shot and if she does not want to continue after a lesson or two, no big deal!

Flying with an instructor vs. flying with dad might be different and exciting for her. Also, i'm guessing she has never landed the airplane by herself and she might find that pretty fun.
 
My son assures me that he intends to learn to fly, but he does not care to fly a Bonanza - he wants to fly a B-52.
 
Thanks for all the responses.

It's funny. Although I would like to say that I would have KILLED for the opportunity to learn to fly when I was 17, I'd probably be lying. I was an aviation enthusiast since birth, but I'm not sure I would have had the self-confidence to learn to fly an aircraft at 17.

This was due to the fact that no one in my family ever flew light planes, and I had NO idea what it was like to be in one. Fear of the unknown would have likely prevented me from taking flight lessons at that age, even if they were free.

With my daughter, however, there is no such vacuum in her life experience. In fact, she's flown so much that she, for a long time, was utterly bored with the concept. It's easy for her, and she's seen her brother go through flight lessons and earn his ticket.

She's been exposed to the 99s, and her mother is an accomplished, experienced pilot. There is no shortage of role models.

She knows what flying is all about, understands all the basic concepts, and has performed well in the right seat. That is what makes this SO frustrating -- she has seen the utility of general aviation, enjoyed its fruits -- but doesn't want to take the steps necessary to continue flying after she leaves the nest. I find this...weird.

What's interesting (alarming?) is that she is the only one in her group of friends who has earned her driver's license. There seems to be a growing trend among young people away from actually GOING places? I find that weird, too.

I'm not saying anything to her about it, and respect her decision -- but I would like to find the right approach so that she feels comfortable changing her mind, if she so desires.
 
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just tell her "if you change your mind just say so"

and shoot why would she be interested in becoming a pilot herself when she has 3 pilots in the family to take her places when she wants to go? :) Leah considers me an excellent taxi driver when we want to go places and doesn't have any particular desire to fly airplanes herself.
 
tonycondon said:
just tell her "if you change your mind just say so"

and shoot why would she be interested in becoming a pilot herself when she has 3 pilots in the family to take her places when she wants to go? :) Leah considers me an excellent taxi driver when we want to go places and doesn't have any particular desire to fly airplanes herself.
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This +1. My parents and I learned this the hard way with my Sister. She never wanted to get her drivers license..... never saw the point. My parents always drove her where she needed to go, and when they could not, I would. (I was 16..... HELL YEAH Ill drive!) She drove just enough to get her license, and the day of her test was the last day she drove.

Now she's 31, has a potential job in Utah (50% Utah, 50% Africa) and needs to learn how to drive stick. My co-workers thought I was nuts trying to explain the fundamentals of driving a manual over the phone. She wants to learn now, but has no one to teach her.

I guess my point is....... your Daughter doesn't see the need to get HER license, because she always has the benefit of YOURS. Stop being the taxi driver, and see if she misses flying. She might have a passion for aviation she didn't know she had.
 
I actually understand where she's coming from. I think she has the perception of being around it so much that the "coolness" factor isn't there. It's sort of like me growing up around horses. Yea I like riding them but I'm not out to be a barrel racer.
 
Jay Honeck said:
I'm not saying anything to her about it, and respect her decision -- but I would like to find the right approach so that she feels comfortable changing her mind, if she so desires.
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I doubt that any lack of interest on her part is due to the fact that you and Mary fly. There's a whole lot of maturity and responsibility that comes with flying that makes it way more than just 'cool'. Maybe it just isn't for her.

I'm in the "it'll happen, if it's meant to be" camp. Like a lot of things in life, some people just don't want to do some things. If she does, later, get the 'want to' then's the time to support it as long as it works out for you and her.

If it's not meant to be, then letting her see you frustrated or disappointed may either push her to do it when she really doesn't have the heart for it, or she'll maybe get mad for feeling like you are manipulating her. I'd just say - the offer stands. If it works out, OK, if not that's OK too.

---

But yeah, you're right. A kid that doesn't want to learn how to fly? Something is wrong!!
 
Matthew said:
But yeah, you're right. A kid that doesn't want to learn how to fly? Something is wrong!!
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taking a look around the airport i'd say that its much more normal for kids to not want to fly.
 
tonycondon said:
taking a look around the airport i'd say that its much more normal for kids to not want to fly.
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Normal doesn't mean something isn't wrong with them!

I do see more adults than kids at airports (unless they are little kids, and their dad is taking them to watch the planes). Since I rent, I usually see a lot of students bringing the plane back or taking it out after me. I can't remember the last time I saw a student that looked younger than 20 yrs old.

Even with our glider club operations, there just aren't any kids out there showing any interest either.
 
Your daughter is only 17, yet she closed the door on taking free flying lessons for whatever reason she may have, if she even has one. You, on the other hand, are all grown up and can usually make grown up intelligent decisions, most of the time.

I'm guessing you love your daughter very much, so why would you also make the decision of closing the door on this rare opportunity for her? You are right, down the road she may have a change of heart, or not, but leave the offer on the table if you can afford it at that future date.

It is not a big deal, it's just that it bugs you that she does not share your love of flying, she's young. Young minds flop all over the place, don't let it bother you.

Also consider that she has been flying all her life, I doubt if it's much of a thrill for her. It could be downright boring to her at her age.

John
 
dell30rb said:
My girlfriend really likes to go flying with me. But if I ask her to take the controls and try a few turns etc.., she absolutely refuses. Completely scared that she is going to do something and kill us. I can explain 100 times that there is NOTHING she can do (well, as long as i'm paying attention) that will make us crash, but this does not register.

I quit asking her after a few tries and a few months (and flights) later, I broached the subject and got an "ok... maybe" !



Since you've already got an instructor i'd suggest you try to get her to take a few flights. Just tell her you've gone to all this trouble to line up a CFI, you'd like her to give it a shot and if she does not want to continue after a lesson or two, no big deal!

Flying with an instructor vs. flying with dad might be different and exciting for her. Also, i'm guessing she has never landed the airplane by herself and she might find that pretty fun.
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I quit offering controls many years ago, most don't want em. If they ask, no problem. If a kid asks to sit up front, then I'll do what I can with the seat and offer them the controls in case they're scared to ask. Usually if they ask if they can sit up front they want to fly. The ovewhelming majority of people though really don't want to. I'll even turn it down if I'm enjoying just watching the world go by, unless of course you have something interesting to fly...:D 172, I'm perfectly happy to just stare out the window. You need me to take for a bit? No worries. I had a nephew though, 9 years old, I'd take him on pipeline runs with me in the PA-12. That plane flew crooked, you constantly had to hold right rudder and left stick pressure. He's be in the back, I'd point out the right of way and the marker code we were following and told him to follow it so we can watch it like this" and first time he had the controls he was straight and level following it along. I had him landing from the back seat.
 
I have a cousin that went through a similar situation when he was raising his kids.

He was the middle child of three boys. All three grew up playing every sport imaginable. In high school all three excelled at all of the major sports...making the state playoffs in basketball and all-star football teams. Two of them played football in college.

When his only son started to come of age, it was a certainty that he would be a star athlete, right? Well, except that he had absolutely no interest in sports. None whatsoever. It killed my cousin to take his son to Nebraska football games, only to have him sit there during the game reading books.

His son is in college now. He grew up to be a fabulous musician and vocalist. He can barely read sheet music, but can make a grown man weep when he's playing the piano. It took my cousin a while to realize that his son had his own passion and, in many respects, his talents far outpaced his peers. They just weren't on the ball field.

Instead of dragging him outside to play catch...he supported him in every way. It was difficult for him, but his son grew up to be an amazing person.

The bottom line is that flying isn't for everyone. If it isn't her passion it isn't her passion. No amount of you wanting it to be will make it so. Support her in finding her passions and watch her flourish. She doesn't have to love what you love...she just has to have a dream of her own to chase.
 
Jay Honeck said:
My wife, Mary, and I (both pilots) have treated learning to fly exactly the same as learning to drive, when it came to our kids. When our son turned 17, he took flight lessons, and earned his private within 4 months. He flew into Oshkosh that same year, and is now 4th-year ROTC at the University of Iowa.

Our daughter is now 17, and we have had great difficulty finding proper flight instruction for her at our new home. CFIs are scarce here, and rental planes even scarcer -- but we've persisted, and have finally found a suitable instructor who is willing to fly to the island to give her lessons.

So, yesterday I let her fly us back from lunch. She did great, doing everything from taxiing, to departure, to climb, to navigating. She held course and altitude perfectly, for an hour, and then descended into downwind effortlessly -- where I took over.

After we landed, we discussed her situation. She has never shown a burning desire to fly, so we wanted to make sure that she wouldn't get half-way through her training and then quit -- so we asked her point blank: "Do you want to learn to fly?"

Her answer stunned me: "Not really."

Yikes. She went on to say that, although flying is fun, it's not a huge passion of hers, and she wouldn't spend the money, if it were up to her.

Well, it IS up to her, and I thanked her for her honesty. I also told her that this is a truly once-in-a-lifetime opportunity -- no one will EVER give her a pilot's license again -- and she responded that she knew that...

This is really bothering me. She has flown with us since birth, and is a natural. I have a sinking feeling that in 5, 10 or 20 years she will be kicking herself for not taking advantage of this opportunity -- but I don't want to press the issue. Flying is simply not something to take lightly, and I don't want her taking flight lessons because it's something her parents want her to do. She has to truly want to fly, or (IMHO) she could end up hurting herself or others.

But I also want to make sure this is really her logical decision, and not just some "spur of the moment" dumb teenage shoot-from-the-hip statement that she will truly regret later on. I don't know what to say to her, now. All I can see is a huge lost opportunity for her.

I know this is a common situation -- I've heard guys talk about it -- but I've never dealt with it, personally. What did you guys do, when you discovered that your kids were indifferent toward flying? Did any of them eventually come around?

Also, are any of you guys children of pilots, who were given a similar (lost) opportunity, and then later became pilots? What would you say to her today?

Thanks for any and all advice!
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I started flying lessons when I was 17. I'm the daughter of a pilot (Air Force, then Pan Am). I quit because I couldn't stand the sexist instructor. It sounds stupid to me now, and I'd never put up with that crap now, but at the time, I had so many other things to do that dealing with a sexist ******* was low on my list of priorities. I had great difficulty verbalizing that to my parents. It took me twenty years to come back to it and I paid for it myself. I really have been kicking myself for years that I didn't finish then. Then I left the country for a decade, then didn't have money, etc, etc. My father was so proud of me when I passed my checkride! I am truly sorry I didnt finish twenty years ago.

Anyway, maybe try to make sure of her reasoning why she doesn't want to. If either of my parents had really pressed the issue, it might have been different.
 
Henning said:
I quit offering controls many years ago, most don't want em. If they ask, no problem. If a kid asks to sit up front, then I'll do what I can with the seat and offer them the controls in case they're scared to ask. Usually if they ask if they can sit up front they want to fly. The ovewhelming majority of people though really don't want to. I'll even turn it down if I'm enjoying just watching the world go by, unless of course you have something interesting to fly...:D 172, I'm perfectly happy to just stare out the window. You need me to take for a bit? No worries. I had a nephew though, 9 years old, I'd take him on pipeline runs with me in the PA-12. That plane flew crooked, you constantly had to hold right rudder and left stick pressure. He's be in the back, I'd point out the right of way and the marker code we were following and told him to follow it so we can watch it like this" and first time he had the controls he was straight and level following it along. I had him landing from the back seat.
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took a mate to a flyin and gave him a go on the way home in a super dec,,,he asked me a bit later why the stick was really light but when he went to move it a lot it got really heavy,,,,tandems are good when the PAX doesn't need to see were the PIC's hands are :)
as for the kids flying, my daughter (19) and middle son (16) have no interest in learning, but the youngest boy (14) asked me for a lesson for his birthday ,I was surprised as he didn't seem to captured by it ,we got him a lesson and asked the FI to give us an opion on whether he was trying to be like me or really wanted it, he's had three lessons now and seems to be loving it , FI reckons he'll go solo for his 15 birthday at the rate he's learning, now I have to come to grips with letting him take my Kitfox taildragger up ,,,and then the RV6 when it's done ,,,,,I wasn't keen on letting the oldest girl use my car so letting one use my plane will be a bit of a moment!!
cheers Mat
 
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