- Joined
- May 11, 2010
- Messages
- 20,774
- Location
- Charlotte, NC
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Snorting his way across the USA
I try to arrive at the gym at 4:55 a.m. for the 5:00 a.m. opening, so I can hope to get my stuff stashed in a locker and back to my favorite elliptical machine so I can catch the beginning of the true crime show on the television in front of me, which lasts the length of my hour cardio session. The audio doesn't work, and the machines to the right and left are placarded out of service, but it's captioned, so that's good enough. I know, what does that have to do with gym etiquette? I'm getting there. So there is this guy....
No, I haven't switched teams. The detective show. I write detective novels. I play detective. I would probably make a bad pet detective because I don't know a whole lot about animals other than I can generally tell the difference between a dog and a cat. I mean, I know your collies and your St. Bernards, but your pomeranians, I'm clueless. I would probably make a very good missing persons detective. With the accent on 'Miss' if you get my drift (wink wink.) So, what does this guy do? (And why does it matter?) Because I'm trying to build a psychological profile on him.
Here is what I'm going with. Short haul trucker. The kind that drives short haul routes, using a long haul rig. He doesn't look like your typical long haul trucker, as he is reasonably fit, i.e. not overweight, and he is there for an hour every morning, but that can fit within the lifestyle and schedule of a short haul trucker. As to his name, we will call him Marv. That is not his real name.
A typical parking space is nine feet wide. A typical semi truck is about 70 feet overall length. That means that if Marv is really creative, and he arrives early enough to beat the Walmart crowd, he can encumber up to a total of sixteen standard parking spaces, and maybe even twenty if he has an extended sleeper cab, which he will leave parked until lunch time. Except in reality it will be closing time, because now he's blocked in. He's probably the guy that parks his full bed crew cab F-350 with a high lift kit and flotation tires diagonal across six parking stalls in the gym parking lot.
But he isn't. The guy that owns that truck is a short little Asian guy roughly 5'-3" tall. Frankly I don't understand how he can see the road in front of him. Which may go far to explain his parking habits. No, Marv actually drives a Camry, and he's probably a used car salesman. I mean he actually is a nice guy, on a personal level. But, so are most serial killers.
Here is the thing. Rule number... I don't know, pick a number, let's say three. It isn't rule number one. But it's close. It's within the top five. You aren't the only one in the gym. There are other people that want to use the equipment too. Go to your chest press. Do your three sets. Move on to the curl machine. Do your three sets. Then go to your reverse fly machine, and do your three sets.
Marv doesn't get the concept. He's 'one of those' people. He will go to the chest press machine. Do a set, move on to the curl machine, do a set, move to the reverse fly machine, do a set, and then circle back, three more times. Well, let's say, for example, he's circling back three more times. It is cringe worthy to watch from the perched elliptical machine.
Okay, if you want to do that, fine, that is your prerogative, but don't expect me to stay off 'your' machine when you step away from it. So, Marv leaves artifacts at each station to mark 'his' territory. A gym bag at one, a towel at another, and a water bottle at a third.
Here's the thing, Marv. The way you are doing this, you are managing to encumber three machines, for a total of three times longer than if you simply did one completely and moved to the next. But the fact of the matter is, Marv isn't doing three sets. He's doing six. So he manages to encumber three, very critical machines, for a total of nine times longer than one would normally encumber any given machine.
Okay so you're going 'wait a minute, Mr. Arrow, he's doing all this while you are doing cardio, what's it to you? It doesn't affect you.'
Well it does. Indirectly. You see, true crime shows aren't my only source of entertainment. So there is this one lady. Okay there are several, but we will focus on one for now. We will call her, for lack of a better name, 'Vented Leggings lady' because she, well, wears vented leggings, and has the type of body that should be required to wear yoga pants. You see, if he's encumbered key machines right in front of my elliptical, she will not use them. And she will not circle back to them as she is on a strict timetable during the weekdays. So yeah, it puts me out.
Oh... pro tip. I can normally figure out who did it on Dateline within the first five to ten minutes of the show. It's the person that they aren't talking to during the course of the episode. The husband. The wife. The lecherous uncle. The neighbor. They can't. That individual is in prison. Although, they may possibly interview them at the very end.
Oh by the way, Marv is almost certainly a pathological donut cutter, according to his profile.
No, I haven't switched teams. The detective show. I write detective novels. I play detective. I would probably make a bad pet detective because I don't know a whole lot about animals other than I can generally tell the difference between a dog and a cat. I mean, I know your collies and your St. Bernards, but your pomeranians, I'm clueless. I would probably make a very good missing persons detective. With the accent on 'Miss' if you get my drift (wink wink.) So, what does this guy do? (And why does it matter?) Because I'm trying to build a psychological profile on him.
Here is what I'm going with. Short haul trucker. The kind that drives short haul routes, using a long haul rig. He doesn't look like your typical long haul trucker, as he is reasonably fit, i.e. not overweight, and he is there for an hour every morning, but that can fit within the lifestyle and schedule of a short haul trucker. As to his name, we will call him Marv. That is not his real name.
A typical parking space is nine feet wide. A typical semi truck is about 70 feet overall length. That means that if Marv is really creative, and he arrives early enough to beat the Walmart crowd, he can encumber up to a total of sixteen standard parking spaces, and maybe even twenty if he has an extended sleeper cab, which he will leave parked until lunch time. Except in reality it will be closing time, because now he's blocked in. He's probably the guy that parks his full bed crew cab F-350 with a high lift kit and flotation tires diagonal across six parking stalls in the gym parking lot.
But he isn't. The guy that owns that truck is a short little Asian guy roughly 5'-3" tall. Frankly I don't understand how he can see the road in front of him. Which may go far to explain his parking habits. No, Marv actually drives a Camry, and he's probably a used car salesman. I mean he actually is a nice guy, on a personal level. But, so are most serial killers.
Here is the thing. Rule number... I don't know, pick a number, let's say three. It isn't rule number one. But it's close. It's within the top five. You aren't the only one in the gym. There are other people that want to use the equipment too. Go to your chest press. Do your three sets. Move on to the curl machine. Do your three sets. Then go to your reverse fly machine, and do your three sets.
Marv doesn't get the concept. He's 'one of those' people. He will go to the chest press machine. Do a set, move on to the curl machine, do a set, move to the reverse fly machine, do a set, and then circle back, three more times. Well, let's say, for example, he's circling back three more times. It is cringe worthy to watch from the perched elliptical machine.
Okay, if you want to do that, fine, that is your prerogative, but don't expect me to stay off 'your' machine when you step away from it. So, Marv leaves artifacts at each station to mark 'his' territory. A gym bag at one, a towel at another, and a water bottle at a third.
Here's the thing, Marv. The way you are doing this, you are managing to encumber three machines, for a total of three times longer than if you simply did one completely and moved to the next. But the fact of the matter is, Marv isn't doing three sets. He's doing six. So he manages to encumber three, very critical machines, for a total of nine times longer than one would normally encumber any given machine.
Okay so you're going 'wait a minute, Mr. Arrow, he's doing all this while you are doing cardio, what's it to you? It doesn't affect you.'
Well it does. Indirectly. You see, true crime shows aren't my only source of entertainment. So there is this one lady. Okay there are several, but we will focus on one for now. We will call her, for lack of a better name, 'Vented Leggings lady' because she, well, wears vented leggings, and has the type of body that should be required to wear yoga pants. You see, if he's encumbered key machines right in front of my elliptical, she will not use them. And she will not circle back to them as she is on a strict timetable during the weekdays. So yeah, it puts me out.
Oh... pro tip. I can normally figure out who did it on Dateline within the first five to ten minutes of the show. It's the person that they aren't talking to during the course of the episode. The husband. The wife. The lecherous uncle. The neighbor. They can't. That individual is in prison. Although, they may possibly interview them at the very end.
Oh by the way, Marv is almost certainly a pathological donut cutter, according to his profile.
