Please manage your health (long frustrated rant)

[Pi1otguy]

[long rant]
Just learned my cousin is in the hospital with possible kidney failure. I know it sound cruel but I'm rather mad at both me & him. I'm mad and frustrated because he's been a diabetic for over 15 yrs and has taken several rides to the hospital due to his chronic mismanagement of his condition. Almost half my family over 25 is diabetic and seem to manage it well. Most don't develop complications and lead normal lives free from sudden hospitalizations.

In the past I've seen him lose lots of weight quickly, have terrifyingly high glucose levels to the point of confusion, including an event last year which he was warned by a doctor that his kidney function took a hit. I assumed that meant the next event might lose him a kidney or cause cardio or vision issues. "But what do I know? I don't have condition & he's 30-something. Surly he'll get it under control with guidance and help (advice & supplies) from 2 aunts with the same but better managed condition", I thought to myself.

So now comes the part where I feel like a chump. Over the last year or so I used to ask him about the visible signs that he wasn't controlling his condition. Asked him if tested himself lately, visited the doc, or if he needed us to pitch in for medication. Each time he said he was fine or working on it. Watched him get sick several times and nursed him back with some alot of help. Then comes the weightloss again. As soon as I noticed I asked him repeatedly if he stop taking his shots or dieted & exercised when I wasn't looking. After a few weeks of beating the "remember last time you magically lost weight that quick..." horse I took him at his word and assumed he knew how it works after 15+ yrs and several events.

Now I feel like a chump for not seeing what was really happening. The past is repeating but he faces a real chance of the consiquences that me and all of my family told him about for over 10 years now. I feel like I should of seen this comming, but it it's not in my nature to distrust family when I ask "Are you taking care of your health? Do you need help?" OTOH, if I really knew what was I going to do? Wrestle him to the ground, test glucose levels, & give him his shots everyday?

20/20 hindsight says I should of caught this despite him saying he's ok. It's like I should have done more then ask him about his weightloss and remind him about the last time he lost weight that quickly. Now he's somewhat surprised this even happened & I'm emotionally stuck between not knowing what more I could have done & feeling I couldn't do much more for a grown man. I like to believe I would help family when in need, but obviously I can't even sense when they need help. I can't even figure out what help I'd give if I had it to do over!

Now, I'm going to smile, go look for him & findout specifically how he's doing. Time to see what happens now and if me & my family can fit it into our schedules since we have our own obligations. (didn't mean that last part to sound so bitter)

/rant off
Bottom line:
If you've got a manageable chronic condition please manage it.

 

[Doggtyred]

You have to WANT to manage it.

Nobody else can manage it on his behalf.. and you cant blame yourself for another adults free will choice to not take care of themselves. And yes.. I told you so is appropriate. He made his choices, and now he should bear his consequences, and nobody in the family should feel like they owe him anything because of his "unfortunate" circumstances.

I have an aunt that has poorly managed her diabeties to the point that now she has renal failure and is on dialysis. Now the idea of a transplant from a related donor is being floated around. Being the nurse of the family, her son approached me about recovery times as a donor. Turns out her husband has been leaning on the kids about this.

I indicated that it could be several weeks.. which as a construction/crane operator he doesn't have bennies and vacation and would be a major hardship...

Then I really laid it out to him: I simply told him words to the effect of.. if your mother didn't take care of herself when it was HER kidney, what makes you think she will take care of it when its YOURS? Uncle didn't like hearing that too much but I'm not in the business of telling people what they want to hear. Her renal issues did not spring up suddenly, but were the result of at least 15 or more years (that I know of) of poor control.

 

[Pi1otguy]

You have to WANT to manage it.

Nobody else can manage it on his behalf..

I'm learning how true that is. Just visited him to see whats going on and was told it may be permanent renal failure. Only time will tell. It's kinda disturbing when the doc uses the term "forever" & "permanent" but it acurately discribes the posibilities.

The surprising part was how short a window he had from the first sign of renal issues that I picked up on til he was hospitalized.

Now the idea of a transplant from a related donor is being floated around.

I don't think this will float in my family. Besides, a quick google search reveals at least 3/4 of his living family is automatically ineligible to donate anyway. So no meaningful related living donor pool exist anyway.

 

[Let'sgoflying!]

he's 30-something...snip...Each time he said he was fine or working on it.

Call me dispassionate, but I think a person needs to look after themselves when they are able (you did not mention extenuating circumstances), and there is only so much another can do for them. Best of luck to your cousin, and don't beat yourself up - your reasonable obligation only goes so far. In fact, I have seen people turn their own lives/health upside down trying to help someone who did not want or deserve help.
Thanks for your advice, too.

 

[Dr. O]

I see this every day... No one can manage the life of another... They 'gotta want to' for themselves... ..

denny-o

 

[kyleb]

I've been dealing with similar issues with one of my parents for 6 or 7 years, and the bottom line is that unless you want to institutionalize someone, that person is ultimately responsible for his/her own health.

I think you fulfilled your responsibility by noting your cousin's issues, mentioning them to him, offering to help, etc. You can't eat, take medication, or do the other things for him.

And your response of being mad - very typical. I've experienced it so many times myself, especially because the problem is obvious and easy to manage, if only the person with the medical issue cared enough about him or herself to take a few minutes a day and address the issue.

 

[flyersfan31]

You have to WANT to manage it.

Sad but all too true.