NA- Please fill out a will and let your relatives know about it.

charheep

charheep

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charheep
I lost my dad this week. As hard as that is, I am now fighting a sibling that is demanding everything to be split evenly. I know for a fact that in the will he gets next to nothing. But my dad never shared who his lawyer is or where the will is.

The fact is I dont care whats in the will. I just want to find it and do whatever he asked in it.

So while I am riding high on emotions, please have a will filled out and let someone know where it is if something happens. You would not believe how the prospect of whatever inheritance there is brings out the worst in people.

Oh, if I had my IFR and a decent traveling plane, this would have been a great time to use it and not pay for last minute airfare. I guess I would have to think a lot about IM SAFE first though..
 
Sorry for your loss,nothing worse than family,when a parent dies.
 
Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't fight too hard. Family is way more important than money.
 
Sorry for your loss.

Even with a will, lawyers love the money, even when no one contests it. Think there are some other better options too, pay on death for bank accounts, a few different options for homes or other assists as well.
 
steingar said:
Sorry for your loss. I wouldn't fight too hard. Family is way more important than money.
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Depends on the family.

Sorry for your loss, and I agree fully. Have a will and make sure it's known where it is.
 
Sorry for your loss. A will is essential, especially as we get older. An ex-employee of ours passed away about 10 years ago, he and his wife had will drawn up, basically leaving his to her and hers to him. Then he had a later will drawn up leaving most of the estate to his kids not her or her kids, it was a bloody mess! Most of their assets had been hers before their marriage, his kids took her car, because it was in dad's name!! People become very greedy when wills are read, it breaks up a lot of families!!
 
So sorry for your loss and hope that the lawyer steps forward with the will for everyone's sake. Family fighting only adds aggravation to an already sad and emotional time. (I speak from personal experience when my father passed away :( )
 
N747JB said:
People become very greedy when wills are read, it breaks up a lot of families!!
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I've seen that quite a bit. It's amazing how bad it gets when it's a second marriage for both, and both had kids from previous marriages.

My brother could have it all as far as I'm concerned. And I know he'd say the same about me. I promise, when the time comes we'll be fighting about it alright. Him trying to give me more, me trying to give him more.

Of course, we come from a close family. Dad turns 80 next month and the three of us make a point of having breakfast together every Saturday morning. And yes, we stiff him with the check every third week. :) He wouldn't have it any other way.

He has 100 acres and a nice house. I have no idea how much cash, but I know that when the time comes we'd give it all if we could for one more Saturday morning breakfast with him.
 
N747JB said:
Sorry for your loss. A will is essential, especially as we get older. An ex-employee of ours passed away about 10 years ago, he and his wife had will drawn up, basically leaving his to her and hers to him. Then he had a later will drawn up leaving most of the estate to his kids not her or her kids, it was a bloody mess! Most of their assets had been hers before their marriage, his kids took her car, because it was in dad's name!! People become very greedy when wills are read, it breaks up a lot of families!!
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Even when you're young, if you have anything worth anything

Tomorrow isn't promised.
 
I have wills, trusts, POAs, and advance medical directives. They're sitting in a fire safe and our relatives who will likely be the trustees and executors know where the safe is. My parents have done the same (same damn costco safe even). I also have made it well clear to my wife and the rest of my relatives that I am of the "let them harvest whatever organs they want and compost the rest" mentality. Having an organ donor designation on your driver's license won't mean much if your next of kin makes a fuss about it.
 
charheep said:
I lost my dad this week. As hard as that is, I am now fighting a sibling that is demanding everything to be split evenly. I know for a fact that in the will he gets next to nothing. But my dad never shared who his lawyer is or where the will is.

The fact is I dont care whats in the will. I just want to find it and do whatever he asked in it.

So while I am riding high on emotions, please have a will filled out and let someone know where it is if something happens. You would not believe how the prospect of whatever inheritance there is brings out the worst in people.

Oh, if I had my IFR and a decent traveling plane, this would have been a great time to use it and not pay for last minute airfare. I guess I would have to think a lot about IM SAFE first though..
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Think long and hard about this. I have no clue the amount of money involved...but let's assume he did want it all to go to you. You can still choose to never find the will and "give" half to your sibling. Your dad is either a. dead and gone or b. in eternity. In case a. he doesn't care about what happens to his money; in case b. he doesn't care about what happens to his money. The only people who care now are those living on this earth, and they are you and your sibling. You can either have a relationship with your sibling or not. Who knows how much that's worth, but hey something to consider.
 
Condolences on your loss.

I can't say there wouldn't be some animosity between my younger sibling and I if we were to divvy up the parent's assets, but I doubt there would be anything to tear apart our relationship. As long as the cash and the proceeds from the house/property were split evenly, the rest of the stuff would be easy. I would be taking most of the tools/electronics and she'd get most of the jewelry. I have seen families do terrible things when money is involved, but it really just depends on the family. Some are really focused on the value of items, some are content to just split the sentimental items and let the rest go. I know in once instance, a family sorted most of the items in the house by relative value (high med low) and then each child picked an item from each category until they all had equal turns and the items were all distributed. Easy enough.
 
Yeah, I've seen the ugliness first hand, including late night drunken bare fist brawls. Ain't pretty, doesn't honor the lost, fractures families. Good luck!
 
gov98 said:
Think long and hard about this. I have no clue the amount of money involved...but let's assume he did want it all to go to you. You can still choose to never find the will and "give" half to your sibling. Your dad is either a. dead and gone or b. in eternity. In case a. he doesn't care about what happens to his money; in case b. he doesn't care about what happens to his money. The only people who care now are those living on this earth, and they are you and your sibling. You can either have a relationship with your sibling or not. Who knows how much that's worth, but hey something to consider.
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I agree think long and hard about this, but you also need to think about the relatives involved.

If I went to the extent of writing one of my kids out of the will or make the proceeds uneven, there would have been a very good reason for it. Some reason that would make me think the one kid would simply squander, waste, or otherwise abuse the money. It wouldn't just be "Well, she made more money than the other two, so the other two need the money more," it would be something very significant. Not all parents think this way, but you probably want to get into the head of your dad as much as possible, and think about why the will would have been uneven.

Most people on here have good, loving families it seems. I am really, really happy for all of you. I'm also envious. Having come from a family that's not that way at all, I can tell you that blood is not always thicker than water. Sometimes that blood is actually acid, and not something you want any part of. There are some times when severing ties is the right thing to do, and a death can be a reason to do that. Toxic relationships should not be nurtured or maintained, they should be severed. This goes for all aspects of life.

I'm not saying this applies to the OP, but those of us who've not come from close, loving families have a different perspective on family. I have seen a lot of damage done to people, especially my mother, because they felt that it was of the utmost importance to maintain family relationships all costs. The end result has been not only a monetary cost, but an emotional one when all the feelings were one-sided, and found not to be reciprocal in the least.

I hope that my kids will all be very close, have great relationships with eachother and with us, and will never have cause to sever ties like we've had to do with some people. It is not something you want to be in the position of having to do.
 
You can always do what I did. Just have really poor parents and it becomes a non-issue.
 
I'm sorry for your loss.

A couple years ago a buddy of mine lost both his parents to a house fire. All their records and copies of everything were lost. To recover that information, he started wherever he could, I think he knew the bank they used. A bit at a time, he was able to find their insurance agents and attorney and get the copies of the documents he needed.

If you can find his bank, maybe they have a safe deposit box?
 
This not being able to find a will and the lawyers who wrote it, concept I find interesting. As I just got mine done, the lawyer keeps a copy and I have a copy. It seems like there should be a standardized place to register that a will exists to prevent the lawyers from making too much much fighting over does a will exist or not. Details wouldn't have to be posted, just the dates of updates, changes, etc. I guess that would make too much sense for the legal profession. Obviously I am not a fan of lawyering.
 
Sorry to hear about your Dad.

My Mom passed away a few years ago, and she made it very clear in her will, and to me and my three siblings, that everything was being split equally. She also told us all that if there was any fighting about it after she was gone, "I'll come back and haunt you all!" (her words).

Everything was split equally just as planned. We even divided up personal effects between us. Mom stuck notes to some items that she knew certain of us wanted so there would be no fighting over anything.

When the will and estate was finally settled, the attorney told us he'd never seen such a smooth transition, especially with four siblings involved. The threat of being haunted by a very fiesty Southern woman in her 80's when you've gone against her wishes is very strong motivation to do the right thing :)
 
LoneAspen said:
When the will and estate was finally settled, the attorney told us he'd never seen such a smooth transition, especially with four siblings involved. The threat of being haunted by a very fiesty Southern woman in her 80's when you've gone against her wishes is very strong motivation to do the right thing :)
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Any woman who made those demands and threats of her kids sounds like a great mother. :)

Even better that she left notes for certain things that she knew each of you especially wanted. If there were ever best practices, sounds like she had it figured out.
 
I'm 31, and hadn't really though about a will despite significant assets. I shall look into it this weekend. Being A Brit/New Zealander with assets in the Netherlands, and living in the USA, I have no idea where to even start!
 
Katamarino said:
I'm 31, and hadn't really though about a will despite significant assets. I shall look into it this weekend. Being A Brit/New Zealander with assets in the Netherlands, and living in the USA, I have no idea where to even start!
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I made my first will at 23 or 24, I forget. It is important, especially if you have friends who you want to get your assets.
 
Katamarino said:
I'm 31, and hadn't really though about a will despite significant assets. I shall look into it this weekend. Being A Brit/New Zealander with assets in the Netherlands, and living in the USA, I have no idea where to even start!
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Only the good die young. :)

Probate attorney in the State of residence.
 
I got married (at 21) and my mother didn't like my wife. A few years later, my parents divorced and she took half the assets. A couple years after that, my mom died in an accident and I come to find she explicitly left everything to my ex-girlfriend.

Yeah, that was a fun time. Fortunately, I had made/saved enough that it wasnt THAT big of a deal money wise. Wasn't going to change my life in any appreciable way.
 
Condolences

Even with a will and a greedy family member, they can try and play the old " not of sound mind" play when the will we drawn up, escepially if it was drawn up or amended within the last 18 months. Been in that situation and took 3 years and a ton of money to fight
 
Katamarino said:
I'm 31, and hadn't really though about a will despite significant assets. I shall look into it this weekend. Being A Brit/New Zealander with assets in the Netherlands, and living in the USA, I have no idea where to even start!
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denverpilot said:
Only the good die young. :)

Probate attorney in the State of residence.
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Yeah, it's normally pretty simple. But you can make it complex if you want, and there are valid reasons for doing that.

There can be a lot to think about, depending on your assets, how much, where, and what kind. In your case, it could get tricky because of outside the country things that might involve foreign taxes and laws.
 
Check with the court clerk in the town your father resides. In some states the Attorney who draws up a will may register it with the Clerk of the Court or the Registrar of Wills. It might be a good place to start. If that does not work out then look up the property deeds at the court house for your fathers property. It is likely that he might have used the same attorney for his will. It may give you a name to follow up on. Condolences on your loss, it is very hard to deal with.
 
Matthew said:
Yeah, it's normally pretty simple. But you can make it complex if you want, and there are valid reasons for doing that.

There can be a lot to think about, depending on your assets, how much, where, and what kind. In your case, it could get tricky because of outside the country things that might involve foreign taxes and laws.
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It gets more complex, because my company moves us to a new country generally every four years! :)
 
Katamarino said:
It gets more complex, because my company moves us to a new country generally every four years! :)
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Yeah, that would be tough. Where are your assets are titled? Where is your bank account? Savings? You might need to deal with your home country laws then. I dunno, that's why lawyers were invented.
 
Matthew said:
Yeah, that would be tough. Where are your assets are titled? Where is your bank account? Savings? You might need to deal with your home country laws then. I dunno, that's why lawyers were invented.
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Yeah, I'll figure it out. Most of my assets are in the Netherlands, so that probably makes the most sense to begin my investigations. Good luck to the OP, and thanks for the nudge!
 
Thank you everyone for the thoughts and posts!

This week has aged me years I think, and I have been running since I find out. I will try to answer most questions.

My dad wasnt conventional. So to not have a will or not have a lawyer is possible, but he really did not want my brother to have anything so believe there is one somewhere. We have tried calling every lawyer in the county, and the county clerk, but he could have met some guy somewhere and used him in a random town and county.

I agree, that there should be some type of searchable database, with a name and a lawyers name for will. No other information needed.

Right now, since there is no will, we will be splitting the assets. I know my father wouldnt have wanted that, but without a will I have no legal fight. And since there is no will, no one has any legal rights to do anything until the estate case has been opened and an administrator named. So I cant call the bank and see if he has a safety deposit box (which I would guess he wouldn't since that cost money), even though I have the same name and have proof I am his son, or do anything basic like cancel his insurance or SS.

I talked with an attorney he used for some real estate issues, and he didnt have any idea of a will or who he would have used. I dont have any other paths to find out. I am giving up that I will find out, or that my dad didnt make one on purpose because deep down he really did want us to split everything.

The re-occuring theme in all of this is, that everyone my dad used, from mechanics to lawyers and real estate agents, all said the same thing. He was a gruff, hard to understand, an imposing demanding man with a thick German accent for living in a rural Arkansas county, man. But if he liked you, he would surprise you with his generosity and gifts. One lawyer mentioned he liked camping with his family just in passing, and my dad not only offered him to camp on one of his more picturesque properties, he also came back to his office the next day with some camping supplies he had stored but never used. He was never a client, he was a friend.

I am writing all this for my cathartic reasons and to tell the story of the nightmare of having no will. I would ask my dad to have one made, and I assumed he did and told his girlfriend, and she assumed he did and told me.

With a will, I would have been able to call his lawyer, pay some money and stop worrying about all the decisions with his assets. and then call a funeral home, and pay some money and stop worrying about all the decisions with his funeral and body. All the time knowing what he wanted. So I could have just dealt with his passing.
Instead I have been guessing what my dad wanted and fighting with my brother on top of it.

Sorry for the long post (or rant depending on your view of it). With any luck, the issues will be solved and soon it will be all settled.

Thanks again for wishes.
 
I know this does not help. My father and mother both died in 2012. They did have wills, but there were parts of the estate that were not addressed in the will. Particularly things like his farm, and other properties that he owned, and how they should be handled or disposed of. Throughout the process, there were many opportunities for my brother, my sister, and I to fight over them. I am happy to say that no one took advantage of those opportunities, and that we got through it all without a cross word. I've seen that not to be the case with a lot of families. I feel bad for those that are torn apart by inheritances.

Another point I might make, not only is a will important, but knowing where the money is stashed is another. Two years after my father and mother died, my sister was finding little life insurance policies, CDs, and bank accounts, that none of us were aware of. Thank goodness for her, because she took it so seriously. One day she gave me fifty two dollars and some change. It was the refund from his car insurance that she thought to cancel after my dad passed.
 
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charheep,

Good luck. It's a tough time.

And thanks for the reminder. Just because you tell people what you want, once you are gone that might not matter much anymore. Write it down, and let your family members know where. Write down account numbers, policy numbers, passwords to any online assets (some people store all their photos online, or have online banking or brokerage accounts), and make sure that somebody knows how to get to it. Make a power of attorney. It's easy to put off, but once it's done all it takes is to update it now and then.
 
Condolences on your loss and thank you for the reminder. Not only do my wife and I have a will but we keep a folder with all the important documents in the safe. Two very good friends (and I mean VERY good) have that combination and family knows to contact them in the event of a catastrophic event.
 
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