Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

For all you history buffs .....

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke
up and walked from his bunk on the floor of the Alamo
up to the observation post on the west wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already
looking out over the top of the wall.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving
steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face
and said, " Jim, are we having landscaping done today?"


And the rest is history.........
 
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
 
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.

That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle, and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
(Left out for good reason!) :eek:
I'm not repeating what my Marine buddy wrote! :no:
You'll have to use your imagination. :)
 
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this , but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been
raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith"
 
> CHRISTMAS PARTY
> Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally
> sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
> of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
> Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
> a month.
> Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months
> or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
> door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing
> there.
> "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...
> Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might
> like to come. About 5:00..."
> "Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to
> meet some local folks. Thank you."
> As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's
> gonna be some drinkin'.
> "Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business,
> I can drink with the best of em."
> Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely
> gonna be some fightin' too."
> Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright.
> I'll be there. Thanks again."
> Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be
> some wild sex, too."
> "Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to
> the idea.
> "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
> By the way, what should I wear?"
> Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want.
> Just gonna be the two of us."
 
New drug name...

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 
Re: New drug name...

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,


One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me no end, and always be my very best friend.


MAN'S POEM


I pray for a drop dead gorgeous deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me
fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
 
Re: New drug name...

<snip>

MAN'S POEM


I pray for a drop dead gorgeous deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me
fishing and hunting.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
Tom, the truth is becoming clear! :D
 
Thank you for shopping at WalMart!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.


Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
 
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Actual NBC Olympic Broadcast Bloopers

Here are the top nine comments actually made by NBC sports commentators (or participants) during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... ..Oh my God, what have I just said?"
 
14 Things PMS stands for...

14 Things PMS stands for...


1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. ****y Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly, Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Putting up with Men's ****

And my favorite one...
14. Potential Murder Suspect
 
Nuns and Golf

A nun is talking with her Mother Superior. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the Mother superior.

"Well, I was playing golf and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is
hanging over the fairway and fell straight to the ground after going
only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes
and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is that when you swore?" asks the Mother superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an
eagle zoomed down out of the sky, grabbed he squirrel in his talons and
began to fly away!"

"Is that when you swore?" asks the amazed Mother Superior.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it
flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear then?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled
onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment. Then the Mother Superior sighed
and said, "You missed the f*#&ing putt, didn't you?"
 
The Men's List of Rules....

The Men's List:
Finally, the guys side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

*Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want us to answer, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this: Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh!
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh!!
 
A Smart Blonde Joke...

A blonde woman walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateralfor the loan. She leaves.The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.14.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are happy to have your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
 
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Cell Phone

Cell Phone

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN:"Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's $1,000. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much"
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options"
WOMAN: "Great! One more thing....The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're only asking $450,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $420,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too"

The man hangs up. The other men are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
Pecans in the Cemetary

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
 
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.." The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
 
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota "

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.. "How many
customers bought something from you today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$101,237.65."

The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him
a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and
he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat,
so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine
Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull
it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook, and you sold
him a BOAT AND a TRUCK???!!!"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife,
and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........"
 
Re: Thank you for shopping at WalMart!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

You know a thread has gone on a long time when we start repeating jokes... that's at least the second one on this page alone!
 
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Osama bin laden was strolling along in the desert one day and kicked up a bottle. Out of this bottle jumped a geni. She spouted, "I am here to grant a wish". Osama said, do you know who I am, for I am Osama, I dont need anything. The geni said but unless I grant a wish I will have to back in the bottle for another 400 years. SOooooo Osama thought.......

I guess I would like to sleep with 3 american womans.

She granted the wish.

Osama woke in the morning to find himself next to Elana bobbit, tayna harding and hillery clinton.

In AGONY he yelled I have no weiner, my knees are broken, and I dont have any health care...............
 
From a friend on the Beech list:

Hi Folks, today I was feeling a little depressed after hearing that my T-34 has Bonanza wings, so I called the Help Hotline.

I was put through to a 'call center' in Pakistan.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an airplane....

Best,

Dave
 
Dunno if this has been up yet...

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking .On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Chicago . He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

Gotta love those Chicago girls. ....
[/FONT]
 
Dunno if this has been up yet...

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The first man had married a woman from Louisiana and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The second man had married a woman from Florida . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking .On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The third man married a girl from Chicago . He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Gotta love those Chicago girls. ....[/FONT]

Funny, I don't think my wife is from Chicago... :D
 
A man and his wife went shopping in a huge box store, after a bit they got separated. He looked and looked in every dept, but with no success. Then he spotted a beautiful young lady and said " miss can I talk to you for a minute" she says "sure. what about" He says "I can't find my wife but when I talk to a young lady with boobs as large as yours she shows right up"
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
 
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Filler, who was about to be cremated, he made
an amazing discovery. Filler had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Filler", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, " Filler is dead!"
 
Ever wondered what a song in a foreign tongue sounded like if it were given English subtitles just as it sounds? Here's your chance...

Watch out for one questionable line that shows up as a subtitle on the small Youtube screen. Enjoy!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jH8gtrD4_C4

Okay, here's another... Let's call this one of the original music videos. I know but use your imagination.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw
 
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Ever wondered what a song in a foreign tongue sounded like if it were given English subtitles just as it sounds? Here's your chance...

Watch out for one questionable line that shows up as a subtitle on the small Youtube screen. Enjoy!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=jH8gtrD4_C4

Okay, here's another... Let's call this one of the original music videos. I know but use your imagination.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=ZA1NoOOoaNw

Funny, made me think of this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=B4Z5Sll7uow&mode=related&search=
 
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