Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Not for the easily offended:

A boy comes home from his 5th grade class and sees his dad cleaning fish.

"What did you do today, son?" the father asks.
"Well, after school today, I got to have sex with my teacher!" the boy responds.

The father gets a gleam of pride in his eye. "I didn't have my first sexual experience with a teacher until I was in college. I'm so proud of the boy," he thinks to himself.

"Well, sounds like we should celebrate, do you want a new bike?" The father asked his son.

"No, thanks, dad, my butts still sore."
 
The Wedding Test
We had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
South Carolina Redneck Wedding Cake

:D
 

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Dui

DUI....(maybe)

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his.

The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him.

As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
 
Bush in Great Britain

On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so well and so effortlessly?

"That's easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors."

"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.

"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child ?" Blair replied, "That's easy. The child was me."

"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go now."

So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"

Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer, as no child must be left behind. Can I deliberate on this for a while?"

"Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."

So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.

As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"

That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."

"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"

So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"

No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
 
A Day in Hell

A Day in Hell....


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it!"

Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about Drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough.
 
Something for the ladies....

One day my housework challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, " Southampton University ."

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

---------------------------------------------

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

------------------------------------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumour

--------------------------------------

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.


The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN



---------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practising to be men.

---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

---------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
 
The blonde helicopter pilot


A blonde pilot decided she wanted to learn how to fly a helicopter. She went to the airport, but the only one available was a solo-helicopter.

The instructor figured he could let her go up alone since she was already a pilot for small planes, and he could instruct her via radio. So up the blonde went.

She reached 1,000 feet and everything was going smoothly. She reached 2,000 feet. The blonde and the Instructor kept talking via radio. Everything was going smoothly.

At 3,000 feet the helicopter suddenly came down quickly! It skimmed the top of some trees and crash landed in the woods. The instructor jumped into his jeep and rushed out to see if the blonde was okay. As he reached the edge of the woods, the blonde was walking out.

"What happened?" the instructor asked. "All was going so well until you reached 3,000 feet. What happened then?"

"Well," began the blonde, "I got cold. So I turned off the ceiling fan."
 
I was in an accident this afternoon. Nothing really serious but I took my eyes off the road for a second and rear-ended a car.

We pulled over and got out, and the other driver was a DWARF!!

He was pi$sed!

He stomped back to me, looked up at me and said "I am NOT happy!"

I said, "Okay, then, which one are you?"
 
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car, the driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me"!

" My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.

:D
 
BBQ RulesAfter months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine ..
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine .....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine .....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and thanks HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off." Upon seeing her annoyed reaction, he concludes that there's just no pleasing some women ....

:D
 
Three old ladies decide they want to go to a baseball game. They smuggle along a bottle of Jack Daniel's and have a great time, mixing it with their soft drinks. They suddenly realize that the bottle is nearly empty and there are still several innings left. What point in the game is it?










It's the bottom of the fifth and the bags are loaded!
 
What's for dessert?
 

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What a Horrific Scene -

I almost cried when I saw this pic. It is absolutely gut wrenching.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany.

The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look

closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident

still in the wreckage.

Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly

our loved ones can be taken from us. My friend stayed on the scene to

help and even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them,

none apparently survived.
 

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NC19143 said:
What a Horrific Scene -

I almost cried when I saw this pic. It is absolutely gut wrenching.

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany.

The picture may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look

closely you can see what appear to be some survivors of the accident

still in the wreckage.

Although the picture is quite graphic, it makes you realize how quickly

our loved ones can be taken from us. My friend stayed on the scene to

help and even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them,

none apparently survived.
Click to expand...

Now that is NOT funny!!! Could take me days to get over that tragic scene.
 
I have had to deal with accidents in a hands on way on several occasions, but this picture has emotionally scarred me for life! I trust that all of the responsible parties involved were suitably dealt with and the remains were respectfully handled....

The carnage.... the inhumanity....!
 
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[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.[/FONT]​
 
build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day.

set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life!
 
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.


The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.


The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"


The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-1 6 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"



The C-130 pilot chuckled. "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a pee, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun."
 
____Four Worms and a lesson____





A minister decided that a visual demonstration would ​
​
​

add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.​



Four worms were placed into four separate jars.​
​
​
​




The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. ​
​
​
​




At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:​
​
​
​



The first worm in alcohol - ​
​

Dead.


The second worm in cigarette smoke -
​

Dead



Third worm in chocolate syrup -
​

Dead







Fourth worm in good clean soil - ​
​

Alive.



So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,​
​
​
​





"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"​

That pretty much ended the service -- ​
​
​
​


 
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This one was one of the business parables I heard in my early 20's and kind of stuck. I'm sorry I can't see a way to clean up the language and get the message across.


Well winter was fast approaching and for this young bird it would be his first migration south. He kept putting it off until finally he could wait no longer.

Well he waited a bit too long and ended up in freezing rain on the way. His wings iced up and he went down in a cow pasture. He spent the night shivering, he knew he would die from the cold but eventually the sun came up then a cow passed over the top dumped a pile of manure on him. "Just my luck" he thought. But it was warm and soon so was he. As a matter of fact he felt so good he started to sing. At which point a farm cat came over dug him out of the manure and ate him.

Morals of the story:
  • Putting things off eventually gets you in trouble.
  • Not everybody who ****s on you is your enemy.
  • Not everybody who takes **** off you is your friend.
  • If you're warm and comfortable in a pile of ****, keep your mouth shut.
I guess the cuss filter cleaned it up for me. I'm sure nobody knows what word was *'ed out.
 
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Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride
and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the
barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.
He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes
for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company,
where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well,
that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an
engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to
his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three
friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the
restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the
three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of
our sons. .. What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay
and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends
said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he's lucky, too.
His birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000
square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from
his three boyfriends."
 
What's your gross?

By chance at a busy airport, a USAF C-5A and a United 747 happened to be holding short on opposites sides of the same runway.

Thinking he would joke with the United Capt about the size of the 2 aircraft, the AF Capt gets on the radio and asks, "Hey there little buddy, what's your gross?"

The United Capt responded without hesitation- "About $250K a year... how about you?"


Radio silence.......
 
I heard United captains get their wings from the rejects at Purdue. :D
 
KennyFlys said:
I heard United captains get their wings from the rejects at Purdue. :D
Click to expand...
Kenny, Works better if they get 'em at Perdue Farms, the chicken place, than Purdue University in Indiana. :yes::D

Besides, I think Greg might have a little something to say about that! :)
 
gprellwitz said:
Kenny, Works better if they get 'em at Perdue Farms, the chicken place, than Purdue University in Indiana. :yes::D

Besides, I think Greg might have a little something to say about that! :)
Click to expand...
You mean Greg didn't get accepted into Purdue University? :D

I type during the day at stoplights. Literally! Sometimes, I type the wrong word. :)
 
Best advice

"Never trust a dog to watch your food."
Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer."
Hannah, 9

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
Michael, 14

"When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair".
Clemens, 10

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac."
Andrew, 9

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time."
Mary, 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk."
Burt, 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts."
Kellie, 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse."
Naomi, 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick."
Lauren, 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel,10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. "
Alyesha, 13

"Never try to baptize a cat. "
Eileen, 8
 
Lost in translation

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
Guests are requested not to smoke or do other disgusting behaviours in bed.


Hotel notice, Tokyo:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.


On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.


In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.


In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.


Hotel room notice, Chiang-Mai, Thailand:
Please do not bring solicitors into your room.


Hotel brochure, Italy:
This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude.
In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.


Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.


In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.


Hotel elevator, Belgrade:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.


Hotel elevator, Paris:
Please leave your values at the front desk.


Hotel, Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 AM daily.


Hotel, Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.


Hotel, Japan:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
Guests are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
 
Re: Lost in translation

Heard this on the radio this morning:

"Top 15 Dog pet peeves about humans"

1) When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.

2) Blaming your farts on me...not funny.

3) Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

4) How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

7) Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

9) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10) Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

12) When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13) Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.

14) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you tard.

15) Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?
 
Re: Lost in translation

A week at the gym
------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you've ever "started working out" (again), and can read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00am.

Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stairmonster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY:

Her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that **** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little cheerleading ****. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
 
Re: Lost in translation

TangoWhiskey said:
A week at the gym
------------------------------------------------------------------------

I will also pray that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
Click to expand...

:no: :no: :no: Not fun.
 
Re: Lost in translation

Frank Browne said:
The only thing fun about the vasectomy was the "happy" medicine. I asked the doc if it came in a six pack. He wasn't amused.
Click to expand...

What 'happy' medicine? :dunno: Valium helped, but I wouldn't call it 'happy'.
 
Lutheran Viking Airlines

Lutheran Viking Airlines

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE


LUTHERAN VIKING AIR IS NOW OPERATING

IN MINNYSOTA, AND ALSO SERVING


VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.



If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Viking Air,da no-frills airline.


You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, whereflyin is a upliftin experience.



Dere is no First Class on any Lutran Viking Air flight.


Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad;


16-21, a maindish, and 22-30, a dessert.


Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.


All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met.


Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you


wit da safety features aboard dis Lutran Viking Air 599.


Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce.


In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,


I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson,


because we fly right around two tousand feet,


so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean


da Second Coming or something of dat nature,


and I wouldn't bodder wit doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.


You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat.


Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes.


Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence,


which to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of


at two tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field,


but after a while you get used to it.
In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.

Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get


to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze


who sin against us, which some people say "trespass against us,"


which ain't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden,
not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system,


which is seat of da pants all da way.


No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo,


and if Godmeant you to use a cell phone,


he would have put your mout on da sideof your head.


We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style


Awit da coffee pot up front.


Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in daseat pocket in front of you.


Don't take yours wit you when you go


or I amgoing to be real upset and I am not kiddin!



Right now I'll say Grace:



"Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest,
And let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close."

Happy Landin wit da Lutran Viking Airline!
 
Colorado Barbie's

NEW! Colorado Barbies!
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for the Denver and surrounding market areas:



'Aurora Barbie'
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.



'Boulder Barbie'
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Boulder Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.



'Cherry Creek Barbie'
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of Rolls Royce convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.



'Parker Barbie'
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.



'Trinidad Ken/Barbie'
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.



'Colfax Barbie'
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.



'Arvada Barbie'
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always out a-'huntin'.



'Denver Lo-Do Barbie'
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.



'Highlands Ranch B arbie'
This princess Barbie is sold only at Park Meadows. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade, Prada and LV Handbags, Rolex watch a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a 3,500 sq ft. patio home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.



'Commerce City Barbie'
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tat too on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper stickerabsolutely free.



'Greeley Barbie'
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
 
Golf and Genies

Golf and Genies
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

'Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
From Fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman
In More than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'

The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'

Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'NO $H!T.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'
 
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