Funniest thing you've heard on the radio?

I got my first experience of completely flat "water" / "oily" water, flying low over a completely deserted and very cold freshwater reservoir in wintertime. CFI is with me, and a second aircraft is playing chase plane while we've been shooting video with on a short cross country... Loose formation flying, spins with the chase plane standing off and ahead a ways to try to capture the timing right for good shots of a spin entry, etc.

The "chase" plane and our airplane both had ham radio gear aboard for air-to-air, patched into our respective intercom systems, and separate PTT. Two of us in one Skyhawk, three in the other. All hams.

We're headed home, puttering along about 50' above the absolutely flat surface of this frozen reservoir with somehow almost no snow on it yet, so depth perception is quite "challenging". Chase aircraft is on our port side, 150' higher, taking video. Isn't a soul for miles, it's just ridiculously cold out, but clear and "crisp" as they say...

From the FM ham gear I hear...

Chase pilot: "How low are you guys?"

I'm flying and the CFI is keeping me honest on not losing a single inch more altitude, so he replies, "Pretty low."

"What are you guys using for depth perception there, the small chunks of ice in the water?"

"I don't know what Nathan's using, but I'm using the fish."

I had to pop up another 25' I was laughing so hard.
 
Not nearly as funny as all the other stories, but my field doesn't have an AWOS or ATIS on it, so I dial in to the Class D field 5 mi from my home drome to get the landing weather. Often, the guy who records it will stretch out the identifier to be several seconds long, and it always puts a smile on my face. One of these days when the frequency isn't busy, I'll tell approach that I've got "taaaaayn-goooooooooh at Ellington" and see what they say.
 
Aboard USS Independence (CV-62) during Operation Southern Watch - VFA-192 World Famous Golden Dragons XO CDR "Turk" Green:


CATCC Final A: "Dragon 301, report receiving landing check light."

Dragon 301: "301 with the light, request Mode 1..."

CATCC Final A: "Dragon 301, Roger. ACLS Lock On, 3 miles, approaching tipover, say needles..."

Dragon 301: "301 fly down and slightly left..."

CATCC Final A: "Roger, concur - Report coupled"

Dragon 301: "301 coupled..."

CATCC Final A: "Dragon 301, First command will be down. Sending commands..."

Dragon 301: "Ahh... 301's command control..."

CATCC Final A: "Dragon 301, 2 miles, on and on, how's the ride?"

Dragon 301: "Smooth as CAG at a cocktail party!"
 
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I thought I shared this already but since CRS is running rampant lately and it's a long thread, I'll risk ridicule for repeats and repost...

GONZO Station, Indian Ocean, 1979, off USS Nimitz with VAW-112, Grey Ghost 013, performing Surface Search Surveillance and Control - basically flying an aircraft over every surface radar contact in the area and positively ID it.

Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 checking in
Jolly 210, Grey Ghost 013, your contact 030 at 20
Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 has a contact at 060 at 20?
Jolly 210 continue

IDs the contact and off to the next one

Jolly 210 your next contact is 360 at 10
Grey Ghost, we have a contact at 050 at 10?

and on and on it went - every call was countered with "my equipment is better than yours" . After 4 or 5 of these, Jolly 210 decided to go play on his own.

Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 request switch Channel 6

Jolly 210 - good riddance *no, didn't actually say that - "Jolly 210 channel 6, pogo here, proceed own navigation, good day"

30 minutes or so later, keeping an eye on 210's progress

Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 - request vectors to home plate?

silence (I'm busy here is the message)

Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 requesting vectors to home plate?

more silence (c'mon hot shot - you managed to get yourself lost in your crippled Turkey - figure it out)

Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 is bingo - request Texaco

Jolly 210 - Texaco is 220 at 20 Angels 15

Grey Ghost, Jolly 210 - vectors please? INS bent. (*Well, how about that? Fess up time?)

Jolly 210 turn right 100 ... and Jolly heads off to get gas, and all is right with the world again.

Post-flight briefing, I get an apology from the RIO for arguing with me... :)
 
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jesse said:
Sidnaw traffic, Cherokee two-two-one-two-romeo is 10 miles to the southeast. Any traffic in the area, please advise.

The guy sounded like a total idiot.
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Haha, I actually had a guy do this on the ground from the runup area prior to takeoff last weekend.
 
I was in the pattern at DXR last week, and the tower asked me to extend my downwind, and they would call my base.
Then they forgot about me.
They forgot about me for a long time. I decided to see just how long they would go.
Finally, when I was nearly 11 miles out, the tower comes on:
"umm umm, Sorry 27V, You can turn base now. Also could you ident? we aren't sure where you are."
"Danbury tower, this is 27V. Hold a minute. Oxford tells me I'm #1 in their queue. I think they like me better than you do. I'll go there instead."
Since I was only 6 miles out I did a touch and go at OXC then went back to DXR.
 
Shepherd said:
I was in the pattern at DXR last week, and the tower asked me to extend my downwind, and they would call my base.
Then they forgot about me.
They forgot about me for a long time. I decided to see just how long they would go.
Finally, when I was nearly 11 miles out, the tower comes on:
"umm umm, Sorry 27V, You can turn base now. Also could you ident? we aren't sure where you are."
"Danbury tower, this is 27V. Hold a minute. Oxford tells me I'm #1 in their queue. I think they like me better than you do. I'll go there instead."
Since I was only 6 miles out I did a touch and go at OXC then went back to DXR.
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:rofl::rofl: that's awesome. I still haven't landed at DXR...maybe this weekend I'll get out that way.

Two weeks ago I was flying from Plum Island (2B2) to WST transiting the Boston Bravo and the whole time it was a female controller. The frequency goes quiet, and a male voice comes over the radio:

Approach: "08U say type."
Me: "uhh...Grumman Cheetah." wondering why they are asking me now since I'd been in their airspace for 20 minutes already.
Approach: "THANKS!"

...and then the female controller comes back and all is "normal" again. The best thing I could figure out was they were taking bets on the type of airplane I was in, and based on his excitement, he won the pot. :)
 
Waiting to take off from JFK one morning.. we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the planes, a voice over the radio said, "Fuc-!"
JFK tower (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fuc-?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "did not say FUC-."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "did not say FUC-."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "did not say FUC-" reply.
 
bob_albertson said:
Waiting to take off from JFK one morning.. we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the planes, a voice over the radio said, "Fuc-!"
JFK tower (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fuc-?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "did not say FUC-."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "did not say FUC-."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "did not say FUC-" reply.
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Dude where the heck have you been?
 
Last December on a weeknight at around 8 pm, Boston Approach cleared me direct to Portsmouth through the Class B with "altitude at your discretion". While flying over Boston with very little traffic and a clearly bored controller, I heard the following exchange:

Airline pilot: "Any chance we can get 4R?"
Approach: "Wish I could. (pause) If you were a Skyhawk going to Portsmouth, I'd let you do whatever you want."
My passengers and I are cracking up at this point.
Airline pilot: "Roger"
Approach: "Yea I bet that Skyhawk pilot wishes he was flying an Embraer jet like you, and I bet you wish you were back in the Skyhawk."
Airline pilot: "Oh the mistakes we make when we're young."
Me: "I'm very happy in my Skyhawk thank you."
 
bob_albertson said:
Waiting to take off from JFK one morning.. we were about eighth of fifteen aircraft in line. From one of the planes, a voice over the radio said, "Fuc-!"
JFK tower (angrily demanding to know): "Who said fuc-?"
First aircraft in the line (gave callsign): "did not say FUC-."
Quickly followed by the second in line (gave callsign): "did not say FUC-."
Then the third, and then all of us, one by one, giving the same "did not say FUC-" reply.
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That joke was being told before you were born.
 
Sac Arrow said:
Dude where the heck have you been?
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My dad became sick, and I haven't had much time. I just changed companies and am just about done with the training. Between that and helping mom with the family business I don't have much free time anymore :(
 
roncachamp said:
That joke was being told before you were born.
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I've never heard it before that day.... Must have been a couple pilots who had heard that one before. I enjoyed it :yesnod:

Not a radio thing, but at Colgan there was a Captain who would hand the FO a Barbie doll leg.... Then say, it's your leg, your brief :D
 
Years ago I was flying from San Diego up to Monterrey California.
While transitioning up the coast and talking to LAX approach:

Alaska Air: "Ladies and Gentleman, just wanted to take a moment and thank you for flying Alaska Airlines...."(Pilot goes on for what seems like an eternity, taking about places to visit like Disneyland, Universal Studios, Hollywood,etc)

LAX Approach: "Alaska 1234, thanks for the information. Delta 1325, immediate left turn to 090, Northwest 454 expedite decent to 8000, American 1255 immediate right to 110..." The controller proceeded to rattle off instructions to at least 6 aircraft so fast he didn't even wait for them to acknowledge receiving the instruction.

The Alaska Air pilot tied up one of the busiest approach frequencies for at least 30-40 seconds.....the controller was totally calm and professional but you could tell he had lots of catching up to do!
 
We Yankees were flying full tilt on the ILS final into a Canuck Class B at rush hour in our mighty Skyhawk in front of some 7something7s and the controller told us:

" Keep up your speed..."

"We're fire-walled, Sir...."

We heard the whole cab of controllers laughing, guess they're easily entertained. They still made us carry all our gear up stairs to clear customs though.
 
LGB Twr: Banner tow 123 what are you doing? I told you cleared right side of 25L to drop banner. why are you going that way?..

LGB Twr gets off mic 2 second pause

LGB Twr: why? Just ...why?

you could hear the complete befuddlement in her voice. I could not stop laughing!
 
SR22kads said:
Years ago I was flying from San Diego up to Monterrey California.
While transitioning up the coast and talking to LAX approach:

Alaska Air: "Ladies and Gentleman, just wanted to take a moment and thank you for flying Alaska Airlines...."(Pilot goes on for what seems like an eternity, taking about places to visit like Disneyland, Universal Studios, Hollywood,etc)

LAX Approach: "Alaska 1234, thanks for the information. Delta 1325, immediate left turn to 090, Northwest 454 expedite decent to 8000, American 1255 immediate right to 110..." The controller proceeded to rattle off instructions to at least 6 aircraft so fast he didn't even wait for them to acknowledge receiving the instruction.

The Alaska Air pilot tied up one of the busiest approach frequencies for at least 30-40 seconds.....the controller was totally calm and professional but you could tell he had lots of catching up to do!
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Been there. Done that.
 
JBrown243 said:
LGB Twr: Banner tow 123 what are you doing? I told you cleared right side of 25L to drop banner. why are you going that way?..

LGB Twr gets off mic 2 second pause

LGB Twr: why? Just ...why?

you could hear the complete befuddlement in her voice. I could not stop laughing!
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I heard something like that at TZR once, tower informed a banner tow plane that Columbus approach wanted him to call after landing, pilot copied the number and asked why

"Haven't a clue, they said you didn't bust anything"
 
Dave Krall CFII said:
We Yankees were flying full tilt on the ILS final into a Canuck Class B at rush hour in our mighty Skyhawk in front of some 7something7s and the controller told us:

" Keep up your speed..."

"We're fire-walled, Sir...."

We heard the whole cab of controllers laughing, guess they're easily entertained. They still made us carry all our gear up stairs to clear customs though.
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I had ABQ approach tell my student to mainain best foward speed to 1 mile in a Remos Light Sport. His response? "We're peddling as fast as we can". Made me smile a bit.
 
GCA319 said:
I had ABQ approach tell my student to mainain best foward speed to 1 mile in a Remos Light Sport. His response? "We're peddling as fast as we can". Made me smile a bit.
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You know you have a student comfortable on the radio when...:yes:
 
The American Bozo pilot thought it was funny but, actually just pathetic:

One of my international flight students was calling in position incoming at an untowered airport at 10 mi out for the first time and I could tell he was mentally translating each word from his native tongue to English, with a bit of hesitation at each word, and determination in his voice. (Perfect call too) An American bozo known to not have even one tenth of the student's brains was up in another plane and felt obligated to answer back in a mimicking fashion so as to mock.
 
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Approach: Flagship 1234 slow to 180 knots.

Plane: 180, Flagship 1234.

Approach: Flagship 1234, slow to 170 knots.

Plane: 170, Flagship 1234.

Approach: Flagship 1234, slow to 160 knots.

Plane: Flagship 1234, Slowing to 160. Do you know the stall speed of this craft?

Approach: No, but if you ask the First Officer, I bet he does.
 
We were sitting at the green dot on 27 watching planes come in at OSH. A red and white Cessna was about to touch down on the dot when the controller said ( with raised voice and great enthusiasm) "Go Around! Head on traffic landing Runway 9. Side step right! Go Around." :hairraise::hairraise:

After the well executed maneuver the Cessna pilot said "Well, that was fun!" Without missing a beat, not even a nano second went by the controller said " Welcome to Oshkosh!" :rofl:

Everyone listening to that at the flight line busted up laughing. :rofl:

Good job controllers! Great job of flying Cessna pilot! :yes:
 
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I decided to face my radio fears and fly to TWO towered airports (one was me and one was the pilot I'm splitting time with).

We both did funny things:

When they read me my taxi instructions (One was using taxiway "B")

I read back "taxi via Broadway"

When my pilot landed at another airport, he mentioned we were clear of Charlie and ready to taxi to parking (not clear of runway one four. We were on charlie).
 
Took a flight to get some BBQ in central TX yesterday. Whlie transiting the Hou Class B with FF, I got handed off to a new controller who asked me, "I see you're going to 50R...that's Lockhart, right?" I said yes, and he asked if we were going to get BBQ, and I said yes. He asked me which restaurant, and I said Kreutz's, and he shared that he thought that was the best in town and told us to have a good time. Then another pilot piped up and said, "Where are you guys talking about?" and ATC gave him a lengthy rundown of where Lockhart was, what the three big BBQ places in town were, the family ties between Smitty's and Kreutz's, and where he thought each place excelled.

Lots of chatter for what's usually a reasonably busy Class B freq, but I guess it was a slow day, 'cause the BBQ chat went on for a good 3-4 minutes.

At the end, he said, "See? You don't just get great ATC services, you get great BBQ recommendations and a little bit of history!" :)
 
Jim_R said:
Took a flight to get some BBQ in central TX yesterday. Whlie transiting the Hou Class B with FF, I got handed off to a new controller who asked me, "I see you're going to 50R...that's Lockhart, right?" I said yes, and he asked if we were going to get BBQ, and I said yes. He asked me which restaurant, and I said Kreutz's, and he shared that he thought that was the best in town and told us to have a good time. Then another pilot piped up and said, "Where are you guys talking about?" and ATC gave him a lengthy rundown of where Lockhart was, what the three big BBQ places in town were, the family ties between Smitty's and Kreutz's, and where he thought each place excelled.

Lots of chatter for what's usually a reasonably busy Class B freq, but I guess it was a slow day, 'cause the BBQ chat went on for a good 3-4 minutes.

At the end, he said, "See? You don't just get great ATC services, you get great BBQ recommendations and a little bit of history!" :)
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That's really cool. One time on my CTAF the airport weekend guy said "where are you going" after I announced I was leaving and I told him, and I hinted I had beer for his man cave, but that is the most "personal" use of the radio I have had. They try to discourage us from using the CTAF which I agree with.
 
I heard someone Westbound out over the rockies on a very quiet freq give a PIREP at around 6:30pm. It was for 'Extremely Bright Sun'. I too was Westbound and flying directly into the sun.
 
Teller1900 said:
Flying the route from LGA-LEB the other day, heard this with BOS Center after a Cherokee pilot (rather sheepishly) called up and asked for flight following and a vector over or around Bruswick airspace (good airspace to avoid).

BOS: Roger, have your request. Climb and maintain 4,500, I'll have a hand off for you in a minute.

Long pause.

BOS: Cherokee XXX, did you copy Boston?

Short pause.

BOS: I said climb to it, not squawk it!
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ROFL!
 
Flying in a C172, shortly after entering the controlled airspace for Seattle Center, checking in and changing to Center's frequency, I hear the following from ATC to an Alaska Airlines pilot.

ATC: "Alaska flight XXX, traffic ahead and to your left climbing through 5,000 feet is a Southwest 737."

Alaska Air Pilot: <in a near-southern drawl> "Yeah, I got the corndog." :rofl:

Lots of double mic clicks started popping all over the frequency!!

ROFL. Totally owned. OMG, I think I laughed out loud all by myself in the cockpit for the next five minutes. I still giggle every time I think of that exchange.
 
My second most-favorite thing I ever heard on the radio while flying:

I'm VFR, enroute from Paine Field (Everett, WA, north of Seattle) to Sandpoint, ID. Sandpoint is a fairly small airport in northern Idaho, surrounded by lots of hills, with a fairly long VOR non-precision IFR approach.

When I'm about 45 minutes out, it is obvious from the low clouds hugging the terrain off in the distance that a visual approach is out of the question, so I go ahead and call ATC to go IFR and request vectors for an IFR approach to Sandpoint.

20 minutes later, as I'm getting the cockpit all prepared for my own IFR approach, I hear a hotshot in a Citation call ATC requesting his routine clearance into Sandpoint. You could hear it in his voice the lazy way he requested "his" clearance into Sandpoint, practically saying "I'm Ace Goldchain, in the Ferrari, pretenders get out of my way, ATC prepare the red carpet."

Instead, ATC chimes in: "Citation November XYZ, can you believe it? You're number two for the approach, behind a 172."

LOLOL. The second and only other time that I laughed deliriously out loud by myself while in the cockpit. Not that I want to be a left-lane hogger - I would have yielded to the dude if he'd asked - but the moment was just too rich.

"Can you believe it? You're number two for the approach!" ROFL
 
Flying through CA last week:

Mooney XYZ: Bakersfield Approach [random request, whatever it was]

Bakersfield Approach: [random response, whatever it was]

A few minutes later:

Mooney XYZ: "Bakersfield approach, Mooney XYZ would like to request flight following"

Bakersfield Approach: "Mooney XYZ...you are ON flight following"

a few seconds later:

Bakersfield Approach: "Mooney XYX, are you a STUDENT pilot?"

Mooney XYZ: sheepishly "no"

The BAK guy was actually really nice and not a jerk, but it was a pretty funny exchange...poor guy!
 
MAKG1 said:
There's a heck of a lot of taxis on Broadway.

And they say the neon lights are bright there, too.

I'd prefer to taxi via 42nd St., but that's just me. It's a shorter walk to the train station.
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And one thin dime won't even shine your shoes. :no:

;)
 
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