Flying seems so far away.

CessnaTom

CessnaTom

Pre-Flight
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May 3, 2018
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Thomas_McCray
Getting married in a month, looking at houses to buy within 2 years, missus wants to start with the kids shortly after. Life seems great. But I want to fly. Been pouring all my efforts into trying to make it happen within 5 years. I'm 34 now and would love to make a career out of it. I like my job but every time I walk outside my work (10+ times a day) I look up and see approaches/departures in and out of KIPT, I wish I was up there. But with all the financial obligations the missus wants to do, flying seems so far away........
 
CessnaTom said:
Getting married in a month, looking at houses to buy within 2 years, missus wants to start with the kids shortly after. Life seems great. But I want to fly. Been pouring all my efforts into trying to make it happen within 5 years. I'm 34 now and would love to make a career out of it. I like my job but every time I walk outside my work (10+ times a day) I look up and see approaches/departures in and out of KIPT, I wish I was up there. But with all the financial obligations the missus wants to do, flying seems so far away........
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Well, ya do got a month to mull things over.
 
Everyone lives a life filled with choices. Some easy to make, some not. We seem to be evolving to a society where more and more people think they can make choices but do not have to be responsible for the consequences. Divorce, broken homes, kids with emotional problems, the whole scene. If you are getting married and plan to have kids those are serious responsibilities, with lifetime implications.

The best marriages I know of are a balance of power, where one spouse isn't controlling the other. A balance in satisfying the needs and wants of both partners, and that not all of those can be met all the time, every time. That there need to be compromises, from both halves over time.

Have you told your fiance what your wrote above? Discussed any of that with her? If not, sounds like time for a candid conversation.

BTW, why the rush to have to buy a home? Nobody needs to shackle themselves to a 30 year debt just to put a roof over their head. Maybe you should think about renting to start so you and your wife have more financial flexibility, and more mobility if you need to change where you live to pursue a great career opportunity - in aviation or otherwise.
 
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All the guys I work with are telling me horror stories. Maybe their wives are all crazed? Or do they all end up crazed?
 
It’s a ball and chain Tom, run before it’s too late! :p

I kid. ;)

IMO, your career needs to be well established and you need to be where you want to be financially before you add kids to the mix. If the job you’re at currently doesn’t float your boat, than fix that and then add kids. The wife should also be on the same page. Just my 2c
 
GRG55 said:
Everyone lives a life filled with choices. Some easy to make, some not. We seem to be evolving to a society where more and more people think they can make choices but do not have to be responsible for the consequences. Divorce, broken homes, kids with emotional problems, the whole scene.

The best marriages I know of are a balance of power, where one spouse isn't controlling the other. A balance in satisfying the needs and wants of both partners, and that not all of those can be met all the time, every time.

Have you told your fiance what your wrote above? Discussed any of that with her? If not, sounds like time for a candid conversation.
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I have, multiple times over the years, She say no Pilot talk until after the wedding. Been biting my tongue.
 
Ryanb said:
Agree. Sounds like she’s going to wear the pants.
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Even worse, sounds like the plane is going to get flown by someone with a firm grip on the RH yoke. :D
Maybe a Cirrus CAPS system "pull" is needed here?
 
CessnaTom said:
Looks like ill have to take a step toward just doing it. No talking about it....
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But that’s a very bad way to begin a marriage. If you and her can’t be on the same page than there’s some underlying issues at hand. You’re not going to agree on every subject, but withholding a topic that’s important to you isn’t the right thing to do.
 
CessnaTom said:
Sounds like a trap?
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In all seriousness, that depends entirely on you.
If your parents (or grandparents) have a good, strong marriage I might start by seeking some insight from them.
 
Ryanb said:
Sounds like a red flag to me. Why doesn’t she want mention of Aviation until AFTER the wedding? What is it, like some taboo?
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She feels as though with all the planning going on about the wedding we need to focus on getting through this and put all our efforts to getting everything right. Less of a clouded mind.. When it comes to me, When i get focused on something. That's ALL I care about. day in day out. I become obsessed. I forget things in my life and focus solely on that "Flying". I understand I do. She understands I do. So she wants my focus on the wedding and not somewhere else. After the wedding she says "I can do whatever the hell I want". Told her that I will focus on the weddig but 2 years is the time table i'm setting to begin my PPL and she said that's fine..We will see...
 
GRG55 said:
In all seriousness, that depends entirely on you.
If your parents (or grandparents) have a good, strong marriage I might start by seeking some insight from them.
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Yeah,long story short. My father ditched me and then passed away.when i was young. Mother and step father, I walked in on him ****ing my sisters b/f and that was it....Never had a stable home.. Sorry. No insight on life but my own.
 
Wow, 12 posts in the time it took to write the para below. Sticking w/ my advice.

Before the wedding, sit down with your fiance and make a budget for year 1. Differentiate between needs and wants, and between the standard of living you really need vs what you may have become accustomed to. Try to ID one of her wants comparable in cost to your estimate for flying, and then find a way to budget for both. Consider reading/listening to Dave Ramsey. His approach doesn't fit every situation, but is generally sound.
 
What focus on a wedding? Show up at the right time and say "I do". No need for months of focus for that.

I'll never understand why people spend so much time and money on a giant ceremony, to the point where it runs (and sometimes ruins) their entire life.
 
CessnaTom said:
She feels as though with all the planning going on about the wedding we need to focus on getting through this and put all our efforts to getting everything right. Less of a clouded mind.. When it comes to me, When i get focused on something. That's ALL I care about. day in day out. I become obsessed. I forget things in my life and focus solely on that "Flying". I understand I do. She understands I do. So she wants my focus on the wedding and not somewhere else. After the wedding she says "I can do whatever the hell I want". Told her that I will focus on the weddig but 2 years is the time table i'm setting to begin my PPL and she said that's fine..We will see...
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Sounds like the actual event of the wedding and the symbolism of that day are very important to her. You need to acknowledge that and don't underestimate that importance. Agree on what tasks you are going to be responsible for (my wife and I had to plan and execute our own wedding too, so I know how much work and how emotional and hectic that can be) and deliver on those. Neither of you can afford to be obsessed about just one thing in your lives though, now or in the future - focus is not the same thing as obsession. Help each other find the balance.
 
Van Johnston said:
Wow, 12 posts in the time it took to write the para below. Sticking w/ my advice.

Before the wedding, sit down with your fiance and make a budget for year 1. Differentiate between needs and wants, and between the standard of living you really need vs what you may have become accustomed to. Try to ID one of her wants comparable in cost to your estimate for flying, and then find a way to budget for both. Consider reading/listening to Dave Ramsey. His approach doesn't fit every situation, but is generally sound.
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That's great advice! Get her involved in a hobby so she doesn't feel left out. That would make the decision easier for her and be more comfortable with the expense and justify it.
 
CessnaTom said:
She feels as though with all the planning going on about the wedding we need to focus on getting through this and put all our efforts to getting everything right. Less of a clouded mind.. When it comes to me, When i get focused on something. That's ALL I care about. day in day out. I become obsessed. I forget things in my life and focus solely on that "Flying". I understand I do. She understands I do. So she wants my focus on the wedding and not somewhere else. After the wedding she says "I can do whatever the hell I want". Told her that I will focus on the weddig but 2 years is the time table i'm setting to begin my PPL and she said that's fine..We will see...
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So do it. Sometime during the next coupla years say "see, I've done it." How much ya spending on the wedding? Might be enough there to get a PPL.
 
GRG55 said:
Sounds like the actual event of the wedding and the symbolism of that day are very important to her. You need to acknowledge that and don't underestimate that importance. Agree on what tasks you are going to be responsible for (my wife and I had to plan and execute our own wedding too, so I know how much work and how emotional and hectic that can be) and deliver on those. Neither of you can afford to be obsessed about just one thing in your lives though, now or in the future - focus is not the same thing as obsession. Help each other find the balance.
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You are absolutely right!
 
Salty said:
What focus on a wedding? Show up at the right time and say "I do". No need for months of focus for that.

I'll never understand why people spend so much time and money on a giant ceremony, to the point where it runs (and sometimes ruins) their entire life.
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I always enjoyed whenever I was asked to be Best Man for my brothers and friends. Best job at a wedding. One task: Get the groom to the right location at the right time and on the right date. Once that's done, the rest of the day can be devoted to flirting with the Bridesmaids and drinking the father of the Bride's free champagne. :thumbsup:
 
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This thread hits home for me. I got married at the beginning of this year. The difference is that my wife is very supportive of my potential flying career. She is cool with waiting to have kids until I am established. We are combining our incomes to save very aggressively for flight training (while still living a comfortable life). I'm working on my commercial now. The goal is to have commercial done this year. Multi-engine commercial and CFI next year.

I'm currently an engineer, but I don't think I've ever been more miserable. I wake up every day dreading work and hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile my employer has asked that we work free overtime (our performance reviews will reflect whether or not we put the extra time in). So I am working 6:30-4:30 and have been flying after work a few times a week to build hours for the commercial. Also doing the King Commercial Course. It's a struggle sometimes to fit all this in, but everytime I fly I am reminded how much I want out of my current job lol.

I've seriously considered taking a loan out to just go get all this done and become a CFI ASAP. On the other hand, I have no debt now, and I would prefer not to take any on. But the sooner I can get this done the better.

I feel ya on this one...I'm in the same boat in a lot of ways.
 
luvflyin said:
So do it. Sometime during the next coupla years say "see, I've done it." How much ya spending on the wedding? Might be enough there to get a PPL.
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There is definitely enough to make a PPL work! I think it would come down to finding a hobby for her so she will feel better about me spending the money on something like flying.
 
CC268 said:
This thread hits home for me. I got married at the beginning of this year. The difference is that my wife is very supportive of my potential flying career. She is cool with waiting to have kids until I am established. We are combining our incomes to save very aggressively for flight training (while still living a comfortable life). I'm working on my commercial now. The goal is to have commercial done this year. Multi-engine commercial and CFI next year.

I'm currently an engineer, but I don't think I've ever been more miserable. I wake up every day dreading work and hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile my employer has asked that we work free overtime (our performance reviews will reflect whether or not we put the extra time in). So I am working 6:30-4:30 and have been flying after work a few times a week to build hours for the commercial. Also doing the King Commercial Course. It's a struggle sometimes to fit all this in, but everytime I fly I am reminded how much I want out of my current job lol.

I've seriously considered taking a loan out to just go get all this done and become a CFI ASAP. On the other hand, I have no debt now, and I would prefer not to take any on. But the sooner I can get this done the better.

I feel ya on this one...I'm in the same boat in a lot of ways.
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It's great to know I'm not alone. I want to do the same thing. Like i said I like my job. We have combined income because we are a "Team". Always have been. So her living comfortable while i do this is not going to be an issue. I just think once we get passed the wedding we can sit down and have that talk about plans toward a different career for me. I'm excited..I just need to get her excited. And I feel getting her involved with a hobby of her own wont make her feel so alone when i am spending so much time devoted to flying and work.
 
Salty said:
What focus on a wedding? Show up at the right time and say "I do". No need for months of focus for that.

I'll never understand why people spend so much time and money on a giant ceremony, to the point where it runs (and sometimes ruins) their entire life.
Click to expand...

Yup. Given that financial problems is one of the biggest causes of divorce it's almost obscene the amount of money that is spent on ceremonies and diamonds and stuff. It's been said that the strength of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. I've known folk that want to buy a house but can't scrape together the down payment when more was spent on the wedding than what a down payment would be. I see that as a form of insanity
 
CC268 said:
...I'm currently an engineer, but I don't think I've ever been more miserable. I wake up every day dreading work and hanging on by a thread. Meanwhile my employer has asked that we work free overtime...
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See. That's what happens when you are an engineer in India. Come to America! It's different here. ;)

(this is a brutal crowd, and you are never going to completely escape that post you made :D )
 
luvflyin said:
Yup. Given that financial problems is one of the biggest causes of divorce it's almost obscene the amount of money that is spent on ceremonies and diamonds and stuff. It's been said that the strength of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. I've known folk that want to buy a house but can't scrape together the down payment when more was spent on the wedding than what a down payment would be. I see that as a form of insanity
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I have found a bit of luck. Her parents are paying for 90% of it. We just have to spend a bit on some of the extras. So not too much is heading my way financially. I think/ by the end of this year we will have a plan set in motion and I hope to get started. Don't mean so sound cliche', but, every time i look up and see anyoen flying I say. That's going to be me and get a feeling in my chest. GAY!!!!
 
CessnaTom said:
That's great advice! Get her involved in a hobby so she doesn't feel left out. That would make the decision easier for her and be more comfortable with the expense and justify it.
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Not a hobby necessarily; in fact I think forced hobbies rarely work. Just comparable financial commitment. Maybe additional contribution to the down payment savings account to accelerate getting into house. Maybe a nice trip for you two. Maybe grad school. Or a horse. Be creative.

Pro tip: Don't suggest equal spending on clothes. AMHIK.

It should be about "being married;" not "getting married."
 
GRG55 said:
See. That's what happens when you are an engineer in India. Come to America! It's different here. ;)

(this is a brutal crowd, and you are never going to completely escape that post you made :D )
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Lol don't worry I am indeed alive and well in America. This is a LONG story (the free overtime thing) that quite frankly I don't feel like explaining on here. It's much more than asking for free overtime. I have no issue putting in extra hours. It is the expectations, evaluations, etc that surround the overtime that are very frustrating (and TRUST me - I am not the only one PO'd about this. Most of the engineering workforce shares the same thoughts, including much of the management). This has a hell of a lot more to do than just free overtime lol. Just want to make that clear. Not to mention it is practically impossible to hire anyone with experience. The only recs we can even get are new grads lol.

My dissatisfaction with the job is multi-faceted. This particular situation is only but one layer of the onion.
 
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luvflyin said:
Yup. Given that financial problems is one of the biggest causes of divorce it's almost obscene the amount of money that is spent on ceremonies and diamonds and stuff. It's been said that the strength of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. I've known folk that want to buy a house but can't scrape together the down payment when more was spent on the wedding than what a down payment would be. I see that as a form of insanity
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I completely agree. My opinion is a lot of this is a cultural issue. Especially in the days of social media where a girl's worth is linked to how many followers she has on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, etc. There is a constant pressure to have the prettiest wedding in all the land! If we don't spend $30,000 on this wedding it just won't be special!
 
luvflyin said:
RRUUUUNNNNNNNNN
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That.

I look at my training as a step up, for my wife and future family, financially and from a point of mental health. I did not start until we were a couple years into our relationship and she has been as supportive about it as anyone in my life. I am a lucky man but I also know she would support me in anything I do. I am 36 and a few hours from CPL. We make sacrifices financially to both achieve my goal of flying for $. In the long run we both know it will be worth the couple years of making dinner at home and skipping a drink or two a week with friends.

Anyway...
 
luvflyin said:
Yup. Given that financial problems is one of the biggest causes of divorce it's almost obscene the amount of money that is spent on ceremonies and diamonds and stuff. It's been said that the strength of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding. I've known folk that want to buy a house but can't scrape together the down payment when more was spent on the wedding than what a down payment would be. I see that as a form of insanity
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That's one of the interesting things I have noticed over time. People (like my wife and I) who can afford to splurge a little bit seem to watch their budgets and don't usually go crazy on these things, and some people who have no savings and have to put the whole thing on a credit card think it's all "free money" or something. I just shake my head...

My wife and I decided to delay our honeymoon for more than a year and put the money to a home renovation we wanted to do. Never did get around to the former, and had more fun doing the reno than we would have eating in some hotel restaurant. Not for everyone, but worked for us. 29 years married now.
 
GRG55 said:
That's one of the interesting things I have noticed over time. People (like my wife and I) who can afford to splurge a little bit seem to watch their budgets and don't usually go crazy on these things, and some people who have no savings and have to put the whole thing on a credit card think it's all "free money" or something. I just shake my head...

My wife and I decided to delay our honeymoon for more than a year and put the money to a home renovation we wanted to do. Never did get around to the former, and had more fun doing the reno than we would have eating in some hotel restaurant. Not for everyone, but worked for us. 29 years married now.
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Golly...this explains half of my friends. Not sure if your familiar with side by sides (Polaris RZR, Canam X3, etc). Their entire life revolves around these things. Every pay check goes to some new part, fixing something, etc. It's insane. Most finance a $20k-30k offroad toy. No money down. Amazing. They all act like they are in complete control of their finances though lol. I'd love to have a RZR or Canam, especially since I grew up in the dirt, racing motocross. But I simply can't afford one with the flight training. Oh well - it will have to wait.
 
CC268 said:
Lol don't worry I am indeed alive and well in America. This is a LONG story (the free overtime thing) that quite frankly I don't feel like explaining on here. It's much more than asking for free overtime. I have no issue putting in extra hours. It is the expectations, evaluations, etc that surround the overtime that are very frustrating (and TRUST me - I am not the only one PO'd about this. Most of the engineering workforce shares the same thoughts, including much of the management). This has a hell of a lot more to do than just free overtime lol. Just want to make that clear. Not to mention it is practically impossible to hire anyone with experience. The only recs we can even get are new grads lol.

My dissatisfaction with the job is multi-faceted. This particular situation is only but one layer of the onion.
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The good thing is you have a plan. And there are times in life when the best thing is to bear down and just power through the immediate bad situation for a while longer in order to work the plan.
 
CessnaTom said:
It's great to know I'm not alone. I want to do the same thing. Like i said I like my job. We have combined income because we are a "Team". Always have been. So her living comfortable while i do this is not going to be an issue. I just think once we get passed the wedding we can sit down and have that talk about plans toward a different career for me. I'm excited..I just need to get her excited. And I feel getting her involved with a hobby of her own wont make her feel so alone when i am spending so much time devoted to flying and work.
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Yea make sure she is cool with you never being home as a pilot :p I joke with my wife about this..."I'll hardly ever see you!"

One of my good friends jokes he has a successful marriage because he is never around (he is kidding of course - the guy hardly works - like 10-12 days a month).
 
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