Flying commercial tomorrow.... last minute tips? (satire)

Jim K

Jim K

Final Approach
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Being forced to fly commercial as I don't have access to a plane big enough for the whole family. Looking for pilot specific tips.

I know I should definitely try to use my certificate as ID, wear as much pilot gear as possible, especially my airport badge (from another airport), and be sure to tell the pilot and cabin crew that I can fly the plane if they get sick. Should I wear my kneeboard, or just keep it in my carry on?

Im thinking I should probably take my stratux so I can help watch out for traffic. Homemade electronics are encouraged, right? Of course, I'll definitely want my handheld radio so I can talk directly to the flight crew, so I suppose I might as well bring my headset.
 
Yes, bring your handheld and reply to ATC transmissions before the flight crew does. It’s only courteous and will relieve them of one less thing to do.

“ATL Center : SWAxxxx climb and maintain flight level 370...”

jump in really quick right here and acknowledge.
 
Epaulets. You MUST wear epaulets or they'll never treat you as a real pilot.

In fact, without them there's a good chance they will seat you in steerage, at the back of the plane next to the toilet entrance. :eek:

And don't forget to tell the flight attendant you can't eat the same meal selection the pilots have. Just in case...
 
GRG55 said:
Epaulets. You MUST wear epaulets or they'll never treat you as a real pilot.

In fact, without them there's a good chance they will seat you in steerage, at the back of the plane next to the toilet entrance.
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Of course... how did I forget!? I knew you guys would catch the stuff I missed! Should I stick with 4 or go for the whole 6?

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make sure you wear your mask....
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Brings back memories, and a snicker. For several years my job required that I constantly travel to some far off destination. I was always on an airplane, and driving rent cars. I carried a portable GPS everywhere I went. I would often turn it on while in the air, for entertainment, and a little situation awareness. Used to be, if one of the flight crew caught a glimpse of what I was doing, they'd freak. Nowadays, since they've relaxed some of the electronic device use ignorance, nobody cares much.

Today, while flying the tube, I watch my cell phone using the Avare app. Get yourself a window seat, and you can call "bull" when some ding dong flight attendant comes on the overhead and speaks some untruth to help keep the cattle calm.
 
So, like, I used to travel with a guy from the middle east. One trip, I decided to bring a couple sectionals so I could follow along from my window seat. He freaked. Absolutely freaked...
 
In the tube for a trip next weekend - way too much weather and ice predicted for me to do the trip. I'll admit, I'm that guy flipping between whatever book I'm reading and Foreflight in the window seat.
 
Be sure to do the following:

Wear your A20s/Zulus to listen to music... You know - just because the sound quality is really awesome
Make sure that your curent cert (heck even the old ones...) are prominently displayed or fall out of your wallet somehow so the person in the seat next to you asks. Or just show the FA to let them know that you are a pilot in case the flight crew needs any help up there.
Make sure that you talk about everything that is going on during the pre-flight to the people in your row... Let them know what every sound is.. Tell them about the checklists they are going through in great detail.
Oh, don't forget to share the weight and balance/performance numbers you did on that 738 (using Simbrief, of course).
And always have your routing already plugged in to Foreflight and make sure it is always up on your iPad throughout the flight. Let your seatmates know that you are now descending via whatever STAR. Keep them informed when you get vectored to the FAF and what the flap settings and speeds are on short final.

Using these tips will ensure everyone around you knows that you are a PILOT!

(I stole some of this from ATCMemes.com.... They have a hilarious video of this topic)
 
Real pilots don't read stuff on a tablet. Make sure your newsstand copy of Flying magazine is not in the seatback pocket but in a place where the cover is displayed prominently.

And nothing brings greater admiration from the cabin crew (especially the women) than a man who knows how to work an E6B (the old round ones that didn't need batteries). :ihih:
 
E6B would've been great to watch TSA try to figure out.

Not gonna lie... Got the routing from flight aware plugged into my EFB so I can follow along.

Anybody got a checklist for an A320?
 
Jim K said:
...Anybody got a checklist for an A320?
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You mean the "Double-engine out, land it in the Hudson" emergency checklist? Nobody is going to be impressed with any of the other ones. :D
 
Listen to LiveATC of your own flight using speakers, not headphones.

Tell everyone you see, “I fly planes. Do you know what the equipment we are on today (that’s what we pilots call our airplanes) has in common with the 737 Max?”

Whatever you do, be as blatant but nonchalant about it as Dr. Rumack.

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Don't eat the fish....

Ask fellow passengers if they like movies about vikings...

Take the train.
 
Deelee said:
Be sure to do the following:

Wear your A20s/Zulus to listen to music... You know - just because the sound quality is really awesome
Make sure that your curent cert (heck even the old ones...) are prominently displayed or fall out of your wallet somehow so the person in the seat next to you asks. Or just show the FA to let them know that you are a pilot in case the flight crew needs any help up there.
Make sure that you talk about everything that is going on during the pre-flight to the people in your row... Let them know what every sound is.. Tell them about the checklists they are going through in great detail.
Oh, don't forget to share the weight and balance/performance numbers you did on that 738 (using Simbrief, of course).
And always have your routing already plugged in to Foreflight and make sure it is always up on your iPad throughout the flight. Let your seatmates know that you are now descending via whatever STAR. Keep them informed when you get vectored to the FAF and what the flap settings and speeds are on short final.

Using these tips will ensure everyone around you knows that you are a PILOT!

(I stole some of this from ATCMemes.com.... They have a hilarious video of this topic)
Click to expand...
None of that stuff will convince anybody that you're a real pilot.

If you want the FAs to know that you're a pilot, forget the certs and headset. First, you need to be in the right "pilot deadheading" uniform. Wear navy blue polyester pants, black shoes and a golf shirt. Fleece pullover optional. Then, what you need to do is walk down the aisle and cobble together an entire USA Today using the various sections people left behind in the seatbacks, grab a handful of Biscoff cookies and a liter of bottled water from the galley and shove them in your bag. Then "accidentally" drop a bagful of hotel miniature soaps and shampoos onto the floor, pick them up and mumble something about "your family likes the tiny toiletries."
 
Don't use your certificate for check in with TSA, use your Concealed Carry permit. The will think you must be an Air marshal, and give you special treatment. You will not be forced to wait with the rest of the Passengers, but shepherded right thru to a special facility.

A relative of mine did this. After they yanked him out of line, escorted him with armed, uniformed security man, to the strip search room, he pulled out his State Trooper ID, and advised he did not have any arms, and after a magnetic search, they released him.

His wife came through half an hour later, he was in a food joint waiting patiently. She did not think it fair that he went thru so quick, leaving her to deal with them alone.
 
In all seriousness... Enter your flight number into ForeFlight's flight plan area to see your Commercial airliners flight path. I've also stuck a Stratus to the window and followed along with synthetic vision EFIS.
 
Deelee said:
Using these tips will ensure everyone around you knows that you are a PILOT!
Click to expand...

I am sure it has been asked here before, but if you walk into a room full of strangers how can you tell who is a pilot?

You do not need to be able to tell, they will tell you.
 
Be sure to be like my seat mate on a deadhead. We had an aborted t/o for a minor issue and this guy gets into the brace position. Told me he was a private pilot and that I should brace as well; I had my regular jacket over my uniform so he had no idea I drove the bus. I just thanked him and said I’m sure we will survive.
 
I admit I bring up foreflight when I'm bored.

Odd thing happened one time and I have no idea why, I should have asked one of them.... I packed a couple copies of soaring magazine to read on the flight and had them sitting on the empty seat next to me during the flight and every single FA stopped and looked closely at the mag cover at some point during the flight. It was very obvious, like stopped, tilted their head, paused, and then went on. Every one of them did it. No idea why a picture of a glider would have caught their attention to that degree.
 
iRyan said:
Be sure to be like my seat mate on a deadhead. We had an aborted t/o for a minor issue and this guy gets into the brace position. Told me he was a private pilot and that I should brace as well; I had my regular jacket over my uniform so he had no idea I drove the bus. I just thanked him and said I’m sure we will survive.
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You're lucky you made it.
 
Salty said:
Every one of them did it. No idea why a picture of a glider would have caught their attention to that degree.
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They were well aware that only real pilots have "Glider" on their certificates.

:stirpot:
 
Make sure to let the flight deck know you're there to help if they need it.
 
Salty said:
I admit I bring up foreflight when I'm bored.

Odd thing happened one time and I have no idea why, I should have asked one of them.... I packed a couple copies of soaring magazine to read on the flight and had them sitting on the empty seat next to me during the flight and every single FA stopped and looked closely at the mag cover at some point during the flight. It was very obvious, like stopped, tilted their head, paused, and then went on. Every one of them did it. No idea why a picture of a glider would have caught their attention to that degree.
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They all were fascinated with having a passenger on board crazy enough to leave the safety of terra firma without an engine. :eek:
Word gets 'round ya know. ;)
 
We survived, in spite of the French aircraft, and the questionable carrier. Unfortunately I only got to tell one person about being a pilot. He asked about the app I was using to track our progress.

AKBill said:
Upgrade to first class, eat, drink and be merry..:)
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It was Allegiant, so......

In all seriousness, it was super fun watching our progress. The flight plan posted on flightaware was correct, and looking out the window is way more fun when you know what you're looking at. Watching the efb actually held my interest for the whole flight. We had a nice tailwind, so we made 500 knots GS for a good while.

I wish I had taken a picture of the captain. He was a living breathing stereotype. Fur collared leather jacket, Ray Bans, and all. Mind you.... it was 75 degrees outside....
 
Jim K said:
...I wish I had taken a picture of the captain. He was a living breathing stereotype. Fur collared leather jacket, Ray Bans, and all. Mind you.... it was 75 degrees outside....
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Whatever it takes to get the girls. :D
 
You mean we shouldn’t use ForeFlight???

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In all honesty I was sitting just behind the pilot anyway so I could have just told him what needed to be done in an emergency. Lol.

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Had to get somewhere for this guy.

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Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
GRG55 said:
You mean the "Double-engine out, land it in the Hudson" emergency checklist? Nobody is going to be impressed with any of the other ones. :D
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That's not in a checklist. That's in the qrh, after the qrc. You would need all three handy to really impress.......
 
Don’t eat the bat soup

Practice hand to hand combat, especially if passing through Chicago if you’re a small doctor

Leave your dignity at home, you won’t need it where you’re about to go.
 
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