Death and stuff.

saracelica

saracelica

Pattern Altitude
Joined
Oct 20, 2010
Messages
1,817
Display Name
Display name:
saracelica
Since others do the "is so and so a jerk" I'll do my own. :) Am I a jerk?

Husband grandpa passed away yesterday. He was 92. Declining health for 3 months or so. Ended up in ICU on Monday evening. Transferred to Hospice on Wednesday evening. Went quite peacefully on Friday afternoon. (Heart just quit beating) majority of the family was around but he wasn't very conscious on Friday. One of the grandchildren texted me "You may want to get over here soon" I replied "I will after work" (Figuring not alot I can do he's not going to hold on just for me I've only been a in law grandkid for 2 years...but he liked me and treated me well - he complimented my haircut on Wednesday night.)

Got to the Hospice at 3:30 nurse says "It'll be soon..." 20 minutes later it was over. The daughters were crying. The grandkids were hugging on the parents. I just offered to hold one of the small (2 mo old babies). I didn't cry at all though. Sure it's sad but geez he was 92. Married to his high school sweetheart for 70.75 years (anniversary is Labor Day)

Family came in couple hours later and when they heard they cried. I just sat there thinking "Is this a surprise to anyone?!"

I reckon it's okay to not cry, husband didn't. But guys don't cry usually. So am I jerk for not being emotional?
 
saracelica said:
So am I jerk for not being emotional?
Click to expand...

No.

We all experience grief differently. You may be surprised to find that his passing will hit you later when you least expect it, or you may never do the soggy hankie thing. Just be there for your husband and the rest of the family. They are going to need some clear-eyed help in the coming weeks. Get involved and you will earn their gratitude.

I am sorry for your family's loss.

-Skip
 
I'd leave the 'is this guy a jerk' thing to the professionals. You f'ed it all up by being WAY too serious. Supposed to be light...

Seriously, sorry for you loss. Death sux, but 92 is a long life and should be celebrated IMO.
 
Last edited:
I agree with the above. But a word of advice from experience, keep the "is this a surprise" attitude and comments to yourself. The ones who are grieving publicly will not appreciate that. I learned that the hard way a few years ago.
 
saracelica said:
Since others do the "is so and so a jerk" I'll do my own. :) Am I a jerk?

Husband grandpa passed away yesterday. He was 92. Declining health for 3 months or so. Ended up in ICU on Monday evening. Transferred to Hospice on Wednesday evening. Went quite peacefully on Friday afternoon. (Heart just quit beating) majority of the family was around but he wasn't very conscious on Friday. One of the grandchildren texted me "You may want to get over here soon" I replied "I will after work" (Figuring not alot I can do he's not going to hold on just for me I've only been a in law grandkid for 2 years...but he liked me and treated me well - he complimented my haircut on Wednesday night.)

Got to the Hospice at 3:30 nurse says "It'll be soon..." 20 minutes later it was over. The daughters were crying. The grandkids were hugging on the parents. I just offered to hold one of the small (2 mo old babies). I didn't cry at all though. Sure it's sad but geez he was 92. Married to his high school sweetheart for 70.75 years (anniversary is Labor Day)

Family came in couple hours later and when they heard they cried. I just sat there thinking "Is this a surprise to anyone?!"

I reckon it's okay to not cry, husband didn't. But guys don't cry usually. So am I jerk for not being emotional?
Click to expand...


my own limited experience: different people experience and show grief differently. When my mother passed away from Alzheimer's, it was of course expected. We didn't quite expect her to pass that quickly, but we knew it was coming. But knowing it was coming didn't lessen the grief.
 
AWACSEng said:
I agree with the above. But a word of advice from experience, keep the "is this a surprise" attitude and comments to yourself. The ones who are grieving publicly will not appreciate that. I learned that the hard way a few years ago.
Click to expand...

That's what I figured. Which is why I did this posting. Sort of venting. Sorry Captain for making it so serious. I felt like an outsider yesterday.
 
Captain said:
I'd leave the 'is this guy a jerk' thing to the professionals. You f'ed it all up by being WAY too serious. Supposed to be light...
Click to expand...

Geeze, was that necessary? Sure doesn't come across well.
 
People do handle grief differently, some cry, some, like my wife will find something humorous.:no: nothing horrible, just ironic like she "she was caught dead with bad hair" it's her way of dealing with it. In this case you've known him for a few years, he's more of an older gentleman friend than a grandfather that took you fishing every year, or taught you to spit.:D Some people cry at the thought of a stranger dying and some don't when their parents pass away.:dunno: I agree with keeping the "surprise" comment between you and this board.:D
 
No, you didn't have the same emotional investment/ memories/ histories knowing him as a younger man growing old.
 
wsuffa said:
Geeze, was that necessary? Sure doesn't come across well.
Click to expand...


Here's the thought process;

It was supposed to be funny, tounge in cheek. I posted originally without the word 'Seriously' in there and thought, "nah, it sounds too serious" so I added 'Seriously' to the first word of the next sentence to show that the first paragraph was in jest.

I re-read it and thought about adding a smiley to further make it clear but then thought a smiley on a thread about her father in-law dying wouldn't be proper, so I left that out.

What you quoted was supposed to come across as the light hearted first half of a serious post. And now you know...the rest of the story. [/paulharveyvoice]
 
Last edited:
I wouldn't worry about it, it may bother you more later... Or it may not, just support the family knowing that they lost a loved on... A surprise, no I am sure it wasn't, but that doesn't help them at this point. I am sure as time passes they will be able to discuss what a full life that he had.
 
N747JB said:
People do handle grief differently, some cry, some, like my wife will find something humorous.:no: nothing horrible, just ironic like she "she was caught dead with bad hair" it's her way of dealing with it. In this case you've known him for a few years, he's more of an older gentleman friend than a grandfather that took you fishing every year, or taught you to spit.:D Some people cry at the thought of a stranger dying and some don't when their parents pass away.:dunno: I agree with keeping the "surprise" comment between you and this board.:D
Click to expand...

I think that about sums it up.

Basically, when we mourn, we mourn our own losses. The nature, depth, and extent of our grief is primarily determined by the nature of the relationship we had with the decedent. That may sound horribly self-centered, but it isn't. It's perfectly natural.

-Rich
 
RJM62 said:
I think that about sums it up.

Basically, when we mourn, we mourn our own losses. The nature, depth, and extent of our grief is primarily determined by the nature of the relationship we had with the decedent. That may sound horribly self-centered, but it isn't. It's perfectly natural.

-Rich
Click to expand...

The entirety of life is self centered. We are born alone and die alone. Life is what you get when we're distinguished from the information ether.
 
Sara: there is no way to predict how one might react to the death of friends or family - it happens how it happens. At this time, perhaps you honor the man by being there and quietly calm for the family.
 
I had a funny memory at a friends funeral that made me laugh out loud, that was a bit embarrassing.
 
saracelica said:
So am I jerk for not being emotional?
Click to expand...
No. Some people are wired to be emotional and some are not. I think it also depends on the culture you were brought up in and what you observed when you were younger.

Besides, I get the feeling you were not particularly close to this man anyway other than he was a relative of your husband and a nice guy.
 
Last edited:
Thanks everyone. :) It's my grandpa in law. (someone had father in law up there) He was nice. Was happy when I got my pilot certificate since he flew back in his better days (was a pilot until his dying day - wonder if anyone will remember to mail back his certificate to the FAA) Oops that was humor wasn't it.
 
saracelica said:
Thanks everyone. :) It's my grandpa in law. (someone had father in law up there) He was nice. Was happy when I got my pilot certificate since he flew back in his better days (was a pilot until his dying day - wonder if anyone will remember to mail back his certificate to the FAA) Oops that was humor wasn't it.
Click to expand...

Ever been to an Irish wake? Lots of humor and revelry, a celebration of the persons life.
 
My family is not real emotional. I think that is the way it is. I lost both my mom and dad within six months of each other. Both times I went right back to work the same day they died. People would ask me if I wanted some time off, and I would always say that I needed to be around the living not the dead. I think that a lot of people feel guilty because they don't feel much emotion about a death. It sounds like that is where you are at. My whole family was there. We all sat there feeling bad that we didn't feel bad. In fact, I think everyone gave a big sigh of relief because it was finally over with and he wasn't suffering anymore. I don't think that is unusual either.
 
Lost my emotions in the war.
 
Emotions are what they are ... outside of our control, requiring no apology or explanation.
Our words and actions, on the other hand ...
 
Sara, I am guessing from the fact that you asked the question that you have not lost close family yet.

One day, you will. And it may hurt, no matter how long in advance you saw it coming, or how much time you had to prepare.

You might cry, or you might not. There might be others around who cry or don't cry. As long as everyone shows respect for the situation and compassion for those who are grieving, then nobody's a jerk.
 
I wouldn't call a grandfather in law close family, and I don't recall getting worked up after I lost one. But I never got worked up when any of my own grandparents bit the big one either.
 
Jim_R said:
Sara, I am guessing from the fact that you asked the question that you have not lost close family yet.

One day, you will. And it may hurt, no matter how long in advance you saw it coming, or how much time you had to prepare.

You might cry, or you might not. There might be others around who cry or don't cry. As long as everyone shows respect for the situation and compassion for those who are grieving, then nobody's a jerk.
Click to expand...
My grandpa died last July. I was sad and cried on my own. But he died at 97 of a broken heart. He was ready to go for awhile and he just passed by himself in the assisted living space he had. I cried a little at the funeral for him and maybe that's when I'll mourn this one.
Just was reflective this morning that I felt *bad* for not being emotional yesterday.
 
I wouldn't worry about it too much. How you react depends on lots of things. How close were you to the one that died; how your own family reacts to death; how the person closest to you reacts to it.
With my own family, there wasn't a lot of public emotion. I've had my chance to morn; most of the time at night when the rest of the family have already gone to bed. Sometimes, it's a smell, a song, a phrase or that random memory that trips it.
You can feel bad that they died, you're not wrong or cruel if you don't bawl your eyes out.
Just being there for the ones left behind is honoring the one that died.
We all have our jobs in life.
 
Sometimes the best way to mourn, effectively, is to celebrate the things in their life worth celebrating.
92 years - Yep.
70 good years with his childhood sweetheart - Seriously? You're asking? Who ever gets that? - Check.
Didn't suffer for a long time? - check.
Went peacefully with loved ones nearby? Gotta love it.
Family there to hug, cry and help one another with the grief? Not everyone gets that.
If you smile, hug them all, hold a baby - which symbolizes your desire to celebrate life, in the presence of death - and be there in case you can help, then you did GOOD.
 
JoeSelch said:
Emotions are what they are ... outside of our control, requiring no apology or explanation.
Our words and actions, on the other hand ...
Click to expand...

true that. [sic]
 
Sara,

Death seems to be a rude intrusion every time. You did well and I am sure the family understands.

Rev. Terry Warner
Licensed Funeral Director, State of Kansas
 
Sara, why anyone would expect you to get emotional over someone you aren't related to and don't know is beyond me. However, you should have been there to do whatever was necessary for the family. When I interact with Mrs. Steingar's family on these sorts of occasions I don't feel like an outsider, I feel like the hired help, which is fine. It is a mitzvah to assist those in pain, and it gives me something productive to do.
 
I've always been fairly emotional - I like to say I inherited my father's temper, and my mother's emotional sensibility - but I don't remember crying after I lost my Grandpa right after Thanksgiving 2005. I do remember wondering if that was normal, or appropriate.

I loved my Grandpa dearly, and I was extremely saddened by his loss. I hadn't seen him for years, which still stings, though his condition had been obviously deteriorating for some time and his death was somewhat expected. I miss him terribly, and I find myself occasionally 'chatting' with him in my mind... but I never did cry.

My reaction was almost completely opposite when my "Grammie" passed last year. I exploded in grief, and anger that I wasn't there to say goodbye. (An NBAA2011 tote bag is hanging over the dent my fist made in my closet door... there's Dad's temper...)

Part of that was because her death was as unexpected as it can be when talking about an 87 year-old. I'd talked to her that weekend, right before she went in to the doctor because she was feeling anemic. She was supposed to have been discharged that morning... before an embolism ruptured in her throat.

The difference in emotional responses is probably due to the difference in circumstances, and expectations of the outcome. In no way does it mean I loved my Grandpa any less, though. We all react to grief differently... and there's really no way to predict how we will react until confronted with a situation.
 
saracelica said:
Since others do the "is so and so a jerk" I'll do my own. :) Am I a jerk?

Boy, I hope not. Because that would mean that I'm a .... OH DAMN. I don't often cry when people die, but when it's a dog, it seems like a sadder situation. :sad:
Click to expand...
 
saracelica said:
Family came in couple hours later and when they heard they cried. I just sat there thinking "Is this a surprise to anyone?!"

I reckon it's okay to not cry, husband didn't. But guys don't cry usually. So am I jerk for not being emotional?
Click to expand...

Some folks are never ready for it, and fall apart.

Some folks are just logical and analytical and don't grieve that way. It's a continuum.

You'd only have been a jerk if you'd called them out on their reaction to the "expected outcome".

Grief is an individual experience.
 
There I was in college - I was in Los Angeles, the family was in NYC - she kept calling me at all hours to tell me about the foibles and illnesses of the various relatives - finally I got tired of the calls about people that honestly I did not know well nor truly care about. . .

I told her to not call until 7am no matter WHAT happened. OMG she said, what if such and such died etc etc. I told her not to bother me even then - don't call me until 7a.

I'm 3000 miles away - what am I going to do about it?

I am three time zones away - what I am going to do across the time zones?

This was before the internet - if I were going to fly from LAX to the east coast it was going to cost a fortune. So - guess what- no matter what happens I can't afford to come anyway - so why wake me up?

Sometimes death is a relief for the living . . .
 
The viewing was yesterday. Geez the makeup they put on was "interesting" Lot of people said he looks good. So many people came out it was sort of cool. Several in law people I never met. Why does it take a death to bring people out to visit?

It reminded me of a Little House on the Prarie show where the "old lady" was turning 80 and she told Charles to get ahold of the family that was scattered across the area to tell them she died. The "wake" everyone showed up and she came out of the room shouting "It takes until you think I'm dead to show up?! I'm alive visit me while I'm alive!" sort of the same as Why by flowers for the deceased I don't think they can smell them. Funeral is in 2 hours. I put on a cute outfit my husband said is "fine" another day of hugging. I can't wait. :)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top