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- May 11, 2010
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- 20,703
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- Charlotte, NC
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Snorting his way across the USA
1. Why are you mixing all of the paint colors together? Are you trying to bankrupt the painter? That beige, pink and blue house would have been tacky to begin with but now it's going to be black. Good going.
2. This is courtesy of the mouse himself....
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
It's so blind people will know where the center is.
Can crop circles be square?
No, they're circles. If they were square, they'd be crop squares.
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
Because they can't walk through floors.
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
Sure. Just don't get caught.
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
Yep, but no one helps them.
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Because vanilla extract tastes like crap. I'll let you make the connection.
Can animals commit suicide?
Ever see all those possums on the side of the road?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Shoot the animal, use the plant as garnish when you cook it.
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Depends on whose insurance pays better.
How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?
It's improving on the old and outdated.
Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
Because it costs twice as much.
Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
How do you think the ice got thin in the first place?
Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
These are the same people that believe in magical fruit. Do you really expect them to be rational?
If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
Probably some ghost that fell through the floor.
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
It's a sucker ploy.
Why are the little Styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
Because they're too small to be called potatoes.
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
The Easter Bunny stole them from the Easter Chicken
Do Siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
They don't pay at all. They're let in for free since all the other people will pay extra to see the freaks.
Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?
Because the ranchers don't have to ranch anymore now that they're selling candy.
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Because the same person gives you medicine and takes away your bedpan.
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
That's why step stools were invented.
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
No. Chefs where chefs hats, not hairnets.
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?
It's not milk until it's milked. Sheesh!
How fast do hotcakes sell?
Fast
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Yep, but only for the guards.
Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
They use Universal time.
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
Because the eels absorb all the electricity.
If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
Darn tootin' they should. He needs to be perfectly healthy before he dies.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Because Congress is funding a bridge to San Francisco from Honolulu.
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
There are no Jewish vampires. They do all the blood sucking as living people.
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Wishful thinking. The fair lady wasn't very well liked.
Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it?
Congress funded the tests, but didn't have enough money to use it when needed due to how much they spent on the tests.
If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
Only if she had three nipples.
Who was Sadie Hawkins?
Jim Hawkins' wife. Didn't you ever read Treasure Island?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Sure, but she'd have to claim all those $1 tips too.
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
Because we're tired of the screaming
If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
Because we have to support the ranchers that stopped ranching in order to make candy.
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
The minutes come after the meeting.
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Yes, on the days that don't end in Y.
What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?
It's from the Latin term "Pungeuos Unbearabulus." Meaning "that stinks."
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
To confuse the TSA.
Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
No. Everyone knows that the alcohol is evaporated when cooking.
What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
The polite term is "with egg."
If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Mars is mars and as such can't have earthquakes.
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
Because they're winning. Duh!!
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Haven't they already helped enough?
Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?
Because everyone else is laughing at you.
Do you yawn in your sleep?
Only if you're daydreaming at night.
Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?
Because they want to climb the corporate ladder.
If a cannibal was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electrocuted for his last meal?
He could, but fried food is unhealthy.
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
No, because they can't spell the Ls correctly.
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights
It depends on which direction they turn the lights.
If someone has their nose pierced, have a cold, and take their nose ring out. Does snot come out of the piercing hole?
Yep. And it's a great way to spew snot onto the guy sitting next to you when you sneeze.
How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings.
They used it all up in the lemon washing up liquid.
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
I scratch my balls instead.
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Yep. He kept them in the chapel so it would be holy.
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Because the 11th chapter won't cave in on itself.
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
You cuff his ankles.
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
Depends on how slick your lawyer is.
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Budget cuts by Congress.
Why can't donuts be square?
Because round donuts taste better.
Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?
It's so you can put it in the dryer after the dirty clothes have been washed, which helps the clothes dry faster.
What happens to an irresistible force when it hits an immovable object?
They call this phenomenon "Government."
If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
There sure is. It can be measured by observing the movement of people in a crowded room after someone, uh, fluffs.
Why do overalls have belt loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?
Congress mandated them.
Do people in prison celebrate Halloween.... if so how?
They dress up as honest citizens.
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
How do you think they get to the other side??
Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
The same reason why space aliens always seem to know how to speak perfect English.
What do Greeks say when they don't understand something?
"We will repay our debt"
What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of Siamese twins? Who gets to be king?
The prince.
Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms?
Yes. That's where they go to make out.
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
No, they must attend the premier with blind folds on.
How come cats butts go up when you pet them?
Because they want you to kiss their ass.
What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
It would probably go down since there's more sunken boats than floating boats.
How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?
They have to close the highway in order to get the crane to lift it off the truck.
Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
Actually, the call toast "American Muffins."
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
About as deep as it would be if all the boats were taken out at the same time.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Because Congress couldn't get the wording right.
Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?
Because no one wants to smell gel.
Why are dogs noses always wet?
Because they wash them right after sniffing a butt.
If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?
Bees that are allergic to pollen are promoted to Queen Bee. This is a prime example of being promoted due to lack of ability to do your job.
Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
They want your job.
Why is it OK for dudes to slap other dudes' asses in football, but not in any other situation?
Football players have butt pads. Not other sport has them.
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
The same reason why you can't have square donuts.
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Because they're both fighting each other.
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Again, Congress.
At what point in man's evolution did he start wiping his arse?
Right after he got diaper rash.
Do bald people get Dandruff?
Yes. Except it's called peeling skin.
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Because it's made with vanilla extract.
Why do superheros wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes?
They don't want to be recognized in their street clothes.
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
Congress.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
No, they march with blank signs so people will see what they're missing.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Because you can't touch the stars.
Can you cry under water?
Sure, but only when you slice onions under water.
Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car?
Because Minnie Mouse is silly. (Or was there another way of putting that?)
If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?
Is that like blowing a seal?
How come all of the planets are spherical?
Because you'd fall off a square planet.
How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off?
Because it didn't peel off after doing the hot wax treatment.
Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?
Because flies go after pooh, not bees.
Why do they put holes in crackers?
Because the crackers deserved to be shot.
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
As far as I know, the sun still doesn't shine there.
What do people in China call their good plates?
牌照
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Because it was an alcoholic that came up with the idea.
Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?
Who says they don't?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
Only if they didn't sell the mineral rights.
If an escalator breaks down, does it become stairs?
No, it becomes out of order.
Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
Same reason they call him King Kong if he is not a king.
Why do they say a NFL football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?
Nobody else has the balls to play real football.
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
May..may...may...may...maybe.
If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?
Invisible.
What are the handles for corn on the cob called?
Handles
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Because they can't sing.
Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
Because that's the way Bill Gates wants it.
Do your eyes change color when you die?
I'll let you know when I'm dead.
Were Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?
Actually, they had different surnames until they got married.
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
It's a catnip
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
Only when they come out of the dryer.
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Can't have bibles in the library. It offends the muslims.
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
Older than I am now.
If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials?
Same reason a bunch of guys born and raised in Florida came up with that song.
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
Actually, they get over charged since they nail specialist knows they can't do it themselves.
What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?
Fictional
If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?
No, you can only be there.
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Only if it has two corpses.
If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
Queen
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Fixed that annoying problem.
Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?
Depends on how hyper the kid is.
If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?
Customs would stop you.
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
Yep. Makes it spookier that way.
What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?
You get heavy water.
On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
She's a chick. It's what they do.
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
Probably. You could try to fight it court, but you'd probably lose since you didn't have a leg to stand on.
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
Only if that tree in the forest still makes noise.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
You can see the writing.
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
It's the directors that say that.
What do you call male ballerinas?
Ballerinos.
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Carefully.
Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?
Mickey doesn't nibble on your leg.
Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?
Bees are too small.
Can bald men get lice?
Well, there's a lot of lousy bald guys in the world.
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Depends on whether or not you talk yourself out of the ticket.
Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?
I never bothered to ask a butterfly about that.
If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Hmmm... That might explain the proliferation of merkins on the market.
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
They're hoping that something good will grow out of that hairy meatloaf.
Does the postman deliver his own mail?
Only if he want's it lost.
Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?
Because brown didn't make it past the focus groups.
What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?
The warranty is void.
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
Because women have smaller feet.
Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?
When you're in space, it's the only place you can stare off to.
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
Washington.
Is "vice-versa" to a dyslexic just plain redundant?
seY
How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall. but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?
Because it's inhumane to put a living animal on your wall.
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
Well, if you weren't head over heals, you probably wouldn't be very happy, would you?
If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
From the dehydration.
Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?
Only to the funeral director.
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
Never, ever. With certain exceptions.
When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
Depends on the rock.
Was Jesus a virgin when he died?
I'm still wondering if his father ever got any.
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Or, perhaps a bit too much faith.
Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'
The phrase coiner.
If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?
No, it just floats there.
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Depends on how slow of a news day it is.
Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anything to do with steam
They were originally invented by the same guy that made the Stanley Steamer.
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Yes
