34, feeling lost, lonely

Lots of good advice here.
Sam7 said:
A huge amount of my time goes to horseback riding which is what I've been doing for a decade now. I've got guitar practice an hour a day (been playing for 12 years), I do improv once a week for three hours (been at that for 6 months) and I dance three times a week with my trainer (been dancing for over a year now), and I only recently started working on my sport pilot license.

All of these leave me feeling physically/mentally/spiritually/emotionally rested and fulfilled and I definitely don't have any issues committing to anything considering I've been doing most these for quite some time and they're are all lifelong endeavors. I'm spread thin because I have to fit these in on top of working full time and working out. I don't see that as a bad thing, I just don't have time to fit another activity just to meet women.
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Free advice on the Internet, I have no qualifications to say what I'm going to say, but I'm not saying it to be mean. I can relate a bit to a bit of your path. Reads a bit, combined with another post you made, like you had a disconnected home life, so you filled the void with a bunch of stuff to give you the feeling of having what you needed. As someone else posted, all that stuff is really about you. That's ok...if that's all you need. Sounds like it's not, though. So do some soul searching and drop two thirds of that stuff. Nobody worth being with is going to want 1/10th of someone's time, and that's all you have. It's not that you don't have enough time to meet someone, you don't have enough time to spend with someone. Except the flying, you won't miss any of it.

Second read through, drop ALL of it except flying, and pickup something that's 90-100% about giving back. Some sort of civic group. You'll get more out of it than the other stuff, it'll get your head in a better space about where you're at, and you'll meet some good people.
 
Sam7 said:
Hey everyone,

Still a complete amateur with respect to flying as I slowly chip away at my sport pilot license (hopefully private pilot one day).

Anyways, I'm going through a rough patch right now and I thought I'd come here for some advice after reading a recent thread about marriage (you all offered some great input).

I turned 34 a few months ago and achieved a milestone by purchasing a house after working for several years on getting to a point where I was financially secure. Truthfully though, upon getting the house, I realized I had spent the past several years so focused on my financial life to the detriment of areas of my life go (except my health).

I don't have any friends (my best friends no longer live here unfortunately), and for the first time in my life, I'm dealing with feeling lonely. It's a really ****ty feeling and it's not helping my prospects with women since loneliness really makes you feel desperate and needy. I'd love to have a girlfriend but therein lies another concern of mine: I've never been in a relationship for more than a few months and it's been many years since the last one.

My concern is that if I do find a great girl to be with, I won't be a good boyfriend due to a lack of "relationship skills". Along those lines, I'm concerned this will somehow effect my ability to be a good husband at some point down the line since I do want to get married and have kids (not any time soon).

I have MANY hobbies and passions (probably too many) that I've cultivated for many years. But activities don't really fill the void of a lack of people in your life who care for you. And while I do own a nice place, make good money, etc. none of that means anything unless you have someone to share it with. I regret that I spent all these years of my life focusing on my finances. I guess I don't know what the point of all of it was to just end up here feeling like this.

Sorry to be a downer, don't have too many people to talk to so I guess this is my way of venting. Anyways, to anyone who reads this, thank you!
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Go get tested for autism.
 
TCABM said:
…are focused on you. You do not have a balance in your life that allows for another person to be a part of it.
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I have my Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights free most weeks. I can also take most Saturdays off if I schedule it ahead of time. I think I can definitely fit another person in my life. I don't mean to sound like an ******* and I do understand what you're saying but I'm not some selfish guy on some conquest. I spent many years not living for myself and I'm currently just indulging in all the things I've wanted to do for years but that doesn't mean I don't have room in my life for people.

Half Fast said:
Okay, you're a busy guy, but aren't there any women involved in any of your activities? Frankly, in my experience, if you can't meet a woman at a horse show, you're just not trying.

When I was single (back when dinosaurs roamed the earth), I dated several women that I met scuba diving. I was active in a couple of dive clubs, and I dove in the Keys or the WPB area at least a couple of times a month. There were lots of women who liked to dive but didn't have a regular dive buddy.
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I've been VERY unlucky with regards to meeting women in the equestrian world. My past two trainers had predominately underage girls as students so there was nothing I could do there. My current trainer has a mix of underage girls and married women. A few attractive women will come and give clinics at the barn but they are all married.

I really like my trainer and she's the first one in many years that is actually very competent and teaches well so I'm not keen on leaving her just to go to a barn with more female options. I'm currently training to get back to horse shows but it'll be a while longer and just going to horse shows to meet women is not exactly ideal. I don't like going to shows since I want to be showing, not watch others do what I want to do. If I was going with a group of friends, I'd be open to it but I don't have any that like horses.

Albany Tom said:
Lots of good advice here.

Free advice on the Internet, I have no qualifications to say what I'm going to say, but I'm not saying it to be mean. I can relate a bit to a bit of your path. Reads a bit, combined with another post you made, like you had a disconnected home life, so you filled the void with a bunch of stuff to give you the feeling of having what you needed. As someone else posted, all that stuff is really about you. That's ok...if that's all you need. Sounds like it's not, though. So do some soul searching and drop two thirds of that stuff. Nobody worth being with is going to want 1/10th of someone's time, and that's all you have. It's not that you don't have enough time to meet someone, you don't have enough time to spend with someone. Except the flying, you won't miss any of it.

Second read through, drop ALL of it except flying, and pickup something that's 90-100% about giving back. Some sort of civic group. You'll get more out of it than the other stuff, it'll get your head in a better space about where you're at, and you'll meet some good people.
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I’m on the board of directors of a non-profit that does equine therapy for disabled kids and veterans. I volunteered there for years and then transitioned to a member on the board after I got into a better place financially. I want to grow the veterans program and hopefully work with them. I'll look into more giving-back options though.
 
@Sam7 Being in the equine world ourselves, I can appreciate what you are saying. Yeah, there are tons of women in the field, but, as you said, many are teenage girls who like horseys and many (not all) of the rest are middle-aged women who invested so much into loving horseys as teenagers that they don't know what else to do. My wife came up training for a guy who is in the Canadian barrel racing Hall of Fame and she trained some top-tier futurity horses.

I know this will sound cliché, but it was the story of my life: The right girl will show up when you least expect it.

It's harder to develop a relationship with someone from nothing, so your diverse hobby set is likely a place where you will meet a girl who shares at least some of your interests and values. I met my wife on a missions trip to another country with my church. I was DEFINITELY not going there for the purpose of finding a wife. She happened to be there and we hit it off. We've now been married for 8 years.

It sounds like your investment in the "giving-back" options is a good idea. Women do appreciate a guy who isn't wrapped up in himself. The best advice I was ever given was to be the kind of man that a girl would want to marry. That doesn't mean fake it. It doesn't mean be a pansy. It means be a manly man who can also show tenderness. These aren't "pie-in-the-sky" ideals. They are traits that a lot of good women are looking for and traits that, unfortunately are hard to come by today. Unfortunately for you, the good girls who are looking for these traits are also harder to come by today.

Don't give up man! Keep at it. If you'd like to talk more one-on-one, I'd be happy to talk to you and maybe be an encouragement to you. DM me if you're interested.
 
flyingpreacher said:
@Sam7 Being in the equine world ourselves, I can appreciate what you are saying. Yeah, there are tons of women in the field, but, as you said, many are teenage girls who like horseys and many (not all) of the rest are middle-aged women who invested so much into loving horseys as teenagers that they don't know what else to do. My wife came up training for a guy who is in the Canadian barrel racing Hall of Fame and she trained some top-tier futurity horses.

I know this will sound cliché, but it was the story of my life: The right girl will show up when you least expect it.

It's harder to develop a relationship with someone from nothing, so your diverse hobby set is likely a place where you will meet a girl who shares at least some of your interests and values. I met my wife on a missions trip to another country with my church. I was DEFINITELY not going there for the purpose of finding a wife. She happened to be there and we hit it off. We've now been married for 8 years.

It sounds like your investment in the "giving-back" options is a good idea. Women do appreciate a guy who isn't wrapped up in himself. The best advice I was ever given was to be the kind of man that a girl would want to marry. That doesn't mean fake it. It doesn't mean be a pansy. It means be a manly man who can also show tenderness. These aren't "pie-in-the-sky" ideals. They are traits that a lot of good women are looking for and traits that, unfortunately are hard to come by today. Unfortunately for you, the good girls who are looking for these traits are also harder to come by today.

Don't give up man! Keep at it. If you'd like to talk more one-on-one, I'd be happy to talk to you and maybe be an encouragement to you. DM me if you're interested.
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Cheers, always great to meet a fellow equestrian! You definitely understand the dynamics in the horse world with respect to women. I'd add one more group which can be found in certain barns and that is college girls who have no interest in a relationship whatsoever but even then, I'd still have to relocate barns and/or train with another trainer since they're not at the current barn where I ride.

I agree with you in the sense that I probably just need to forget about all of this. Having grown up without a father, I think I've done a substantial amount of work on myself over the past few decades to become manly/masculine but I absolutely have a softer side. But as you said, "Unfortunately for you, the good girls who are looking for these traits are also harder to come by today" is very true.

I'll shoot you a DM!
 
Sam7 said:
Cheers, always great to meet a fellow equestrian! You definitely understand the dynamics in the horse world with respect to women. I'd add one more group which can be found in certain barns and that is college girls who have no interest in a relationship whatsoever but even then, I'd still have to relocate barns and/or train with another trainer since they're not at the current barn where I ride.

I agree with you in the sense that I probably just need to forget about all of this. Having grown up without a father, I think I've done a substantial amount of work on myself over the past few decades to become manly/masculine but I absolutely have a softer side. But as you said, "Unfortunately for you, the good girls who are looking for these traits are also harder to come by today" is very true.

I'll shoot you a DM!
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Dude, I’m with you. My dad died when I was 9, so he wasn’t there through those critical years where I would normally learn “manly skills.” I’m not saying I completely understand your life, but I can definitely identify with certain elements!
 
Bumble is worthless. I don't believe for one second that you can't find women in LA worth dating on Tinder and Hinge. Especially not if you've got pictures riding horses, playing guitar, and wearing that suit. I don't believe it, but the only other advice I can offer is get the **** out of LA. That city is absolutely toxic to humanity. JMHO.
 
flyingpreacher said:
Dude, I’m with you. My dad died when I was 9, so he wasn’t there through those critical years where I would normally learn “manly skills.” I’m not saying I completely understand your life, but I can definitely identify with certain elements!
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Absolutely! Sadly, I think it's a common phenomenon that can have lasting ramifications for all members of the family.

Lindberg said:
Bumble is worthless. I don't believe for one second that you can't find women in LA worth dating on Tinder and Hinge. Especially not if you've got pictures riding horses, playing guitar, and wearing that suit. I don't believe it, but the only other advice I can offer is get the **** out of LA. That city is absolutely toxic to humanity. JMHO.
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Better believe it man. I get very, very, very, very few likes to my profiles on Bumble, Hinge, and Tinder. Bumble got me a few women wanting marriage/kids ASAP, Hinge got me a handful of women who are of heavier stature than I, and Tinder got me a number of women wanting me to sign up to their Onlyfans. It could definitely be an LA thing. In terms of casual dating, women here get thousands of likes on their profiles so they're only going to go for the most attractive men (6'+, model looks, etc.) LA does suck.
 
I'm a guy and if that's your profile pic, you have model looks lol. I figure TikTok women nowadays want a man who works in finance, trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.
 
Feh said:
I'm a guy and if that's your profile pic, you have model looks lol. I figure TikTok women nowadays want a man who works in finance, trust fund, 6'5", blue eyes.
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Thanks man, that is actually a recent photo of me!

And although I do work in finance and make good money, I'm not 6'5" or have blue eyes or have a trust fund (not that I know of, at least) and so I don't really make the cut when it comes to LA TikTok women :frown2:
 
Sam7 said:
Thanks man, that is actually a recent photo of me!

And although I do work in finance and make good money, I'm not 6'5" or have blue eyes or have a trust fund (not that I know of, at least) and so I don't really make the cut when it comes to LA TikTok women :frown2:
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If that's your target market, then I understand. But I don't understand why that would be anyone's target market.
 
Desperate times, desperate man, desperate measures.

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Lindberg said:
If that's your target market, then I understand. But I don't understand why that would be anyone's target market.
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It's definitely not my target market but one can't help but feel like most women here are like that at this point.

bnt83 said:
Being lonely and kinda desperate feeling is recipe for disaster. You invite the wrong woman into your life and she will mess your stuff up.
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I agree with you 100%. I guess how does one get out of this funk is the question and the main point of this whole post :smilewinkgrin:
 
Sam7 said:
It's definitely not my target market but one can't help but feel like most women here are like that at this point.



I agree with you 100%. I guess how does one get out of this funk is the question and the main point of this whole post :smilewinkgrin:
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Accept things how they are I guess. Things won't always be this way and your probably doing a lot better than you want to admit. 90% of your life is good? Why sweat the 10%?

I've lost a lot over the years, several long term GFs, a little stepdaughter that babbled "daddddaaa" stuff when her mom flipped on me. I've lost my right hand, parts of both my feet and a lot of my hearing due to an illness in 2009. Life is good enough. The only person that can make you happy is you.

Brothers or sisters? Do they have any kids?
 
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Sam7 said:
It's definitely not my target market but one can't help but feel like most women here are like that at this point.



I agree with you 100%. I guess how does one get out of this funk is the question and the main point of this whole post :smilewinkgrin:
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(Sigh.) It appears an intervention may be necessary....

@Princesspilot206 , meet @Sam7 . Sam, meet Princess.​
​
Princess, Sam is a 34-year-old businessman. He's a student pilot, an equestrian, and a guitarist. Lately he's despaired of ever meeting a young woman for a serious relationship. He enjoys long romantic evening walks on an airport ramp.​
​
Sam, Princess is a 33-year-old pilot working toward the airlines. She recently completed her instrument training and is (apparently) a guitarist. https://www.pilotsofamerica.com/community/threads/2024-goals.145379/page-3#post-3512071 . Lately she's reconciled herelf to the belief that she'll always be single. In her own words, "I have pretty much accepted that marriage and kids will not be a part of my life. It is what it is." She enjoys sitting quietly before the fire, checking TAFs while waiting for the fog to lift.​

Now then - you two help yourselves to some wine from the decanter and get acquainted.

:cheerswine:
 
bnt83 said:
Accept things how they are I guess. Things won't always be this way and your probably doing a lot better than you want to admit. 90% of your life is good? Why sweat the 10%?

I've lost a lot over the years, several long term GFs, a little stepdaughter that babbled "daddddaaa" stuff when her mom flipped on me. I've lost my right hand, parts of both my feet and a lot of my hearing due to an illness in 2009. Life is good enough. The only person that can make you happy is you.

Brothers or sisters? Do they have any kids?
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Sounds like you've been through quite a bit man, props to you for continuing the journey.

It is very odd how we focus on the 10% that's not good but ignore the majority of good things.

I have two sisters, neither have kids.

@Lindberg I'm stuck here more/less. I've got business to run and parents to look after for now at least.
 
It appears you're not proactive.

A proactive person would have contacted Princesspilot weeks ago, and would have long ago asked @SkyChaser about her sisters. And the mail-order bride links were only half joking. Two of my coworkers found their wives that way, one an Asian lady (Vietnamese, I think), and the other a lady from Russia. I've only met them briefly at parties, but both were charming, intelligent, lovely women. Both marriages have been going for many years now and they all seem happy.

If you're just sitting around waiting for a twenty-something goddess with a PhD and a trust account to appear magically and hold out a ring for you to place on her finger, you're destined for a lonely, frustrated life.

You've received all sorts of suggestions and advice for 4 pages now. Some things you'll have to do for yourself, but mostly you've been telling us you're too busy with other things. That's a priority matter, and you get to set your own priorities.

We can lead you to water, but we can't make you drink (nor can we hold your head under until the bubbles stop, tempting as that may be). If you're not going to do anything about your situation, at least stop complaining about it.
 
Sam7 said:
Sounds like you've been through quite a bit man, props to you for continuing the journey.

It is very odd how we focus on the 10% that's not good but ignore the majority of good things.

I have two sisters, neither have kids.

@Lindberg I'm stuck here more/less. I've got business to run and parents to look after for now at least.
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Read "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****" as a starting point.
 
Half Fast said:
It appears you're not proactive.

A proactive person would have contacted Princesspilot weeks ago, and would have long ago asked @SkyChaser about her sisters. And the mail-order bride links were only half joking. Two of my coworkers found their wives that way, one an Asian lady (Vietnamese, I think), and the other a lady from Russia. I've only met them briefly at parties, but both were charming, intelligent, lovely women. Both marriages have been going for many years now and they all seem happy.

If you're just sitting around waiting for a twenty-something goddess with a PhD and a trust account to appear magically and hold out a ring for you to place on her finger, you're destined for a lonely, frustrated life.

You've received all sorts of suggestions and advice for 4 pages now. Some things you'll have to do for yourself, but mostly you've been telling us you're too busy with other things. That's a priority matter, and you get to set your own priorities.

We can lead you to water, but we can't make you drink (nor can we hold your head under until the bubbles stop, tempting as that may be). If you're not going to do anything about your situation, at least stop complaining about it.
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I had no clue about Princesspilot until she was mentioned a few posts ago.

I've heard disaster stories about mail-order brides so its not exactly something I'm keen on trying. I have heard of men completely moving countries and going to Asian and settling down and finding wives (passport bros they're called).

I've been on the apps for at least 6 months now and asked out several women since the start of this year in person. I've let many people know if they have someone in mind. All the other things I do that keep me busy put me in contact with women so it's not like I'm just doing stuff and avoiding women.

Short of speed dating and matchmaking services and just going to bars/clubs for the explicit purpose of picking up women (not sure if I'll meet quality women this way), I don't see what else I can do. I'm okay with trying those things, it'll probably be the next on my list since the apps have yielded no results.
 
Just adding this on the heels of the other posts about overseas women.
I knew a guy about 16 years back in his late 50's
According to him, he would take overseas brides on contract. They were Filipino, age 18-20, and after 5 years were free to go at will...or stay if both agreed. Cost $5000.

Basically a way for them to become citizens, get a job, and have some time to build funds and establish a life here.
I don't propose to suggest anything about this being right or wrong, legal or illegal, would hold up in a US court, nothing. But I do know he'd done it at least twice before, never had any trouble, and was very happy.

I guess the girls weren't or they would have stayed haha. But seriously I do think they left in order to bring family over to their new homes. Likely the whole intent of the deal.

Nowadays I think it would be riskier in regards to scams, but it sure gets the mind wondering..
 
I’ve known three guys that went mail order.

First guy, maybe 30+ years ago now, went through an ad in a newspaper. I can’t remember if he placed the ad or she did. She was American, from a couple States away. I lost track of them decades ago so I don’t know how that worked out. They both seemed happy enough together the last time I saw them.

The next guy got himself a Vietnamese wife. He flew over to meet the family. He’s about 6’2” and had a job so he really made an impression. I can’t remember if they got married there or he brought her back here for the wedding. After about a year she finally went fully crazy and started beating him. He wouldn’t allow himself to hit back, and I don’t remember how many times he had to get the police involved. He sent her packing.

Third guy found a Russian bride. They were a good fit and have a nice family.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this: I reckon there’s plenty of good and bad wherever you look.

So just find someone you’re interested in getting to know, say “Hi”, and see what happens. That worked for me.
 
Matthew said:
So just find someone you’re interested in getting to know, say “Hi”, buy her a horse farm and a Thoroughbred, and see what happens. That worked for me.
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Edited to what worked for me.
(Just kidding, but not by much.)
 
Matthew said:
I’ve known three guys that went mail order.
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First thing to learn is that there is no longer what used to be called ''mail order bride''. No more do you look in a magazine or website and say ''I'll take #7, send her over''.

I met my wife online. It was an 8 month courtship before she allowed me to come to her country to meet in person. Then it took another year to get her legally here in the US. It could have been done in less time but the government cost to legally immigrate went up tremendously during those dark days in the white house. I will admit that the delays were as much my fault as the governments.

Back then my now wife and I had to provide proof that we had met in person at least once within the previous two years before we could submit the Form I-129F to allow her to travel to the US under the K-1 Fiance Visa.

We just celebrated our 14th anniversary last week.

Come to think, I never officially asked her to marry me. I wonder if I have some sort of loop hole there....
 
Zeldman said:
First thing to learn is that there is no longer what used to be called ''mail order bride''. No more do you look in a magazine or website and say ''I'll take #7, send her over''.

I met my wife online. It was an 8 month courtship before she allowed me to come to her country to meet in person. Then it took another year to get her legally here in the US. It could have been done in less time but the government cost to legally immigrate went up tremendously during those dark days in the white house. I will admit that the delays were as much my fault as the governments.

Back then my now wife and I had to provide proof that we had met in person at least once within the previous two years before we could submit the Form I-129F to allow her to travel to the US under the K-1 Fiance Visa.

We just celebrated our 14th anniversary last week.

Come to think, I never officially asked her to marry me. I wonder if I have some sort of loop hole there....
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Once you said "I do", that loophole closed completely. Sorry. :biggrin:
 
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