Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
 
Lycosaurus said:
The Quotes of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Obviously he must be a pilot....
 
Yesterday I sat down with a co worker at his desk to discuss how we share information. I did not suggest using phones
PXL_20240618_004105677.jpg
 
SkyChaser said:
View attachment 130223
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Amatuer. Longish story to follow...

My dad was an electrical contractor and I worked for him in my late teens and early twenties. He had a very distinctive Datsun pickup truck with an orange home made ladder rack and a bright yellow tool box. One day I was headed back to the shop on I-4 through Orlando. In those days, the exit at Michigan had a gas station to the right and a yield sign for a right turn. I knew I was pushing the gas level, and indeed the truck quit on I-4, but I coasted down the exit (getting off there anyway), through the yield sign and up to the pump. I got out to gas up and the attendant came out laughing and somewhat incredulous. He informed me that my Dad had pulled the same maneuver the day before in the same truck. He was impressed that we were that good...
 
jsstevens said:
Amatuer. Longish story to follow...

My dad was an electrical contractor and I worked for him in my late teens and early twenties. He had a very distinctive Datsun pickup truck with an orange home made ladder rack and a bright yellow tool box. One day I was headed back to the shop on I-4 through Orlando. In those days, the exit at Michigan had a gas station to the right and a yield sign for a right turn. I knew I was pushing the gas level, and indeed the truck quit on I-4, but I coasted down the exit (getting off there anyway), through the yield sign and up to the pump. I got out to gas up and the attendant came out laughing and somewhat incredulous. He informed me that my Dad had pulled the same maneuver the day before in the same truck. He was impressed that we were that good...
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We were in the UP in a 1978 For Super Cab in the 80's and ran out of fuel in the Marquette area. We must have somehow coasted 3 miles. Up some hills, down some hills, and each climb was "are we going to make it?" And we did. Were able to coast into a gas station. Hardest part for dad was the power steering doesn't work with the engine silent.
 
1718729520872.jpeg

WAAAAAAYYYYYY back in the olden days - working as a mechanic - the shop got in a bunch of small asphalt rollers (sidwalkish size) - you couldn't turn the steering wheel all the way in one direction because the roller hit some angle iron. I got assigned to crawl underneath them and trim the metal out of the way with a cutting torch while laying on my back. My shirts ended up looking like the surface of the moon with all the little craters.
 
"The other night I was invited out for a night with the “girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realising my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT”…. he didn’t seem ****ed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said “oh $h!t”, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
 
bflynn said:
Double checking the spelling is impotent.
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I used to work in a very casual environment. Shorts, t-shirts and sandals were fine. But one day a big fella came in to work in a three piece suit. We all wondered if he had an interview somewhere. But finally he confided in us. He was scheduled for a vasectomy at noon and he said "If I's goin to be impotent, I's going to LOOK impotent".
 
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