Funniest Passenger Briefing?

TK211X

TK211X

Pre-takeoff checklist
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I decided to make my own passenger briefing (PPL - SEL) per whats needed by regulations. However, I would love for it to have humor.

Can you chip in with your own experience/ two cents?
 
my written one says:

“Shut Up and Don’t Touch Anything!!”

….is no longer acceptable as a briefing for passengers, therefore you will find some helpful safety notes below:
 
Taught to me by Mr. Ted Dupuis and I still use it:

"Sit down, shut up and dont touch anything unless I tell you to,
should you try to hijack this aircraft I can and will forcibly eject you,
should you leave any bodily fluids I will forcibly eject you,
The seatbelts work like any other seatbelts and if you do not know how to use them you should not be alone in public."

I'm sure I missed and/or bastardized it so he may correct me.
 
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A pilot's briefing, prior to an avionics guy getting a backseat ride in a F105 F model :

"If we have to get out, I'll say EJECT, EJECT, EJECT; if you're still here after the third EJECT, you're the aircraft commander"
 
On a Southwest flight, I cracked up hearing the FA say "...be sure to put your mask on before helping others, and don't worry if the bag doesn't fully inflate, the mask is mostly there to muffle your screams..."

:D
 
Not GA but another great Southwest one...

"...then pull on the red tab to inflate. If that does not work...for all of you do it yourself-ers, blow into the shark whistle on your shoulder"
 
TK211X said:
I decided to make my own passenger briefing (PPL - SEL) per whats needed by regulations. However, I would love for it to have humor.

Can you chip in with your own experience/ two cents?
Click to expand...

I recall seeing on here a briefing with the pilots kids doing the narrative. Cute, funny, and effective.
 
I say sit down, buckle your seatbelt the same way as always, put your hands in your lap. Everything you are touching is yours and everything else is mine. Ask anything you want but not when the plane is near the ground or when you hear little voices in your head.
 
I guess having one with a little humor as a private pilot flying friends and family is not a bad idea. I must say though that I hate when airline stews try to be funny during their briefings. It just makes the briefing drag on and they all use the same old stale jokes that are barely funny. Southwest is by far the worst in this regard. I would think it would be distracting and confusing to the newbie passenger and that the actual message will get lost. I am sort of surprised that the airline or the FAA allow it.
 
Sundancer said:
"If we have to get out, I'll say EJECT, EJECT, EJECT; if you're still here after the third EJECT, you're the aircraft commander"
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I once got an egress brief in an A-3 (no ejection seats) from a new-to-me aircraft commander: "If you *need* to get out you probably can't, and if you *can* get out you probably don't need to. Any questions?"

Nauga,
who knows how Jonah felt
 
I usually go with the, "if I'm not screaming, you shouldn't be either." Everything else is extraneous information.
 
SkyDog58 said:
I guess having one with a little humor as a private pilot flying friends and family is not a bad idea. I must say though that I hate when airline stews try to be funny during their briefings. It just makes the briefing drag on and they all use the same old stale jokes that are barely funny. Southwest is by far the worst in this regard. I would think it would be distracting and confusing to the newbie passenger and that the actual message will get lost. I am sort of surprised that the airline or the FAA allow it.
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:yeahthat:

This is among the numerous things I hate about Southworst.

If you don't want to do your job don't. I don't care if the required information is boring.

Next captain jackoff will throw a few 75 degree climbing turns because normal takeoff is boring.

How about some simulated engine outs at the marker to liven things up?

Oh, and please don't SING the announcements either. You're there for my safety and I don't find it entertaining.
 
SkyDog58 said:
I guess having one with a little humor as a private pilot flying friends and family is not a bad idea. I must say though that I hate when airline stews try to be funny during their briefings. It just makes the briefing drag on and they all use the same old stale jokes that are barely funny. Southwest is by far the worst in this regard. I would think it would be distracting and confusing to the newbie passenger and that the actual message will get lost. I am sort of surprised that the airline or the FAA allow it.
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Going to have to disagree on this one. I've heard some funny stuff out of many SWA crews. Most are usually plays on the same jokes, but I rarely heard the same joke twice, even after 35+ flights with them. At least they have fun with it, rather than the UAL and Delta crews that pop in the announcement CD and stand there with that look of misery half of the time. The musical (raps or songs) are also a bit entertaining, but can seem long-winded by the time it's all done.
 
SoonerAviator said:
Going to have to disagree on this one. I've heard some funny stuff out of many SWA crews. Most are usually plays on the same jokes, but I rarely heard the same joke twice, even after 35+ flights with them. At least they have fun with it, rather than the UAL and Delta crews that pop in the announcement CD and stand there with that look of misery half of the time. The musical (raps or songs) are also a bit entertaining, but can seem long-winded by the time it's all done.
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I agree - if you actually need to listen to the passenger briefing to learn how to buckle your seat belt or where to find the life vest in case of a water evacuation, then you should not be out in public without a guardian.

"Please check that you have taken all of your belongings. Whatever you leave behind on this aircraft belongs to the cabin crew. Please don't leave husbands or children behind."
 
TK211X said:
I decided to make my own passenger briefing (PPL - SEL) per whats needed by regulations. However, I would love for it to have humor.

Can you chip in with your own experience/ two cents?
Click to expand...

I flew with someone who would say, "There are 50 ways to leave your lover but only two ways out of this airplane." It was funny. Once.
 
Flying Viking said:
I agree - if you actually need to listen to the passenger briefing to learn how to buckle your seat belt or where to find the life vest in case of a water evacuation, then you should not be out in public without a guardian.

"Please check that you have taken all of your belongings. Whatever you leave behind on this aircraft belongs to the cabin crew. Please don't leave husbands or children behind."
Click to expand...

The seat belts aspect I agree: Everyone should know how to use a seat belt. However, the life vest is not so obvious. And without having been told where it is, it would take a bit of figuring out before someone realize where the life vest is. Personally, I don't think an emergency is the right time to be playing Marco Polo with your life vest... :dunno:
 
Flying Viking said:
I agree - if you actually need to listen to the passenger briefing to learn how to buckle your seat belt or where to find the life vest in case of a water evacuation, then you should not be out in public without a guardian.

"Please check that you have taken all of your belongings. Whatever you leave behind on this aircraft belongs to the cabin crew. Please don't leave husbands or children behind."
Click to expand...

Always a fan of "put your mask on first, then your child's . . . if you are traveling with two children, pick which one you love more and help them first . . ."
 
vkhosid said:
The seat belts aspect I agree: Everyone should know how to use a seat belt. However, the life vest is not so obvious. And without having been told where it is, it would take a bit of figuring out before someone realize where the life vest is. Personally, I don't think an emergency is the right time to be playing Marco Polo with your life vest... :dunno:
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Outside of trans-oceanic flights or those taking off over the Great Lakes, I can't think of too many instances where it's going to matter anyway. Pretty low-risk scenario. Even the Hudson landing group had plenty of time to find their life vest after splashdown.
 
Everskyward said:
I flew with someone who would say, "There are 50 ways to leave your lover but only two ways out of this airplane." It was funny. Once.
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I heard that one and I believe at least twice. I have heard the one about stepping outside to smoke probably a half dozen times. And there are many more repeats.
 
I don't know why you need to add humor to it anyways? Here is how to open/close the door, here is how to move your seat forward/aft, here is where the sick-sacks are, wear your seatbelt the whole time, don't touch anything unless I say you can.
 
SoonerAviator said:
Going to have to disagree on this one. I've heard some funny stuff out of many SWA crews. Most are usually plays on the same jokes, but I rarely heard the same joke twice, even after 35+ flights with them. At least they have fun with it, rather than the UAL and Delta crews that pop in the announcement CD and stand there with that look of misery half of the time. The musical (raps or songs) are also a bit entertaining, but can seem long-winded by the time it's all done.
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I Agree with your Disagreement. After 3 legs, hearing the same stuff gets pretty old pretty fast. The humor lightens it up.

Don't get me started on the Delta Credit Card speeches... If you want something to get truly upset about - start there. Captive Audience.
 
I tell them, keep your feet off the rudder pedals, don't talk when you hear someone else talking, don't talk during take off or landing. The main thing is, I make sure they can open the door since I fly a Cherokee. Let me know if you feel sick or your ears hurt. Lastly, have fun and let me know if there is something you would like to see.
 
SoonerAviator said:
Going to have to disagree on this one. I've heard some funny stuff out of many SWA crews. Most are usually plays on the same jokes, but I rarely heard the same joke twice, even after 35+ flights with them. At least they have fun with it, rather than the UAL and Delta crews that pop in the announcement CD and stand there with that look of misery half of the time. The musical (raps or songs) are also a bit entertaining, but can seem long-winded by the time it's all done.
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I'm with you. I'm flying SW pretty much every week right now and I'll tune out the announcements unless there is something new in it. Lately is seems like most of them just read the standard announcement, only about 1 in 10 wants to have fun.

Recent favorite - "so, now that I've just told about things that could go wrong, please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight."

In terms of me giving a briefing, I don't do it funny. I
- cover seat belts because it's required
- tell them that it's not going to happen, but if for any reason we wind up landing someplace that isn't an airport, we will meet behind and to the right of the plane
- request that they help me look for other airplanes
- tell them to ask questions if they have them unless I'm talking on the radio.
 
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vkhosid said:
The seat belts aspect I agree: Everyone should know how to use a seat belt. However, the life vest is not so obvious. And without having been told where it is, it would take a bit of figuring out before someone realize where the life vest is. Personally, I don't think an emergency is the right time to be playing Marco Polo with your life vest... :dunno:
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If you have passengers wearing life vests, they simply MUST be told not to inflate them in the aircraft. This is not obvious to Joe Public.
 
Gucci Pilot said:
I don't know why you need to add humor to it anyways? Here is how to open/close the door, here is how to move your seat forward/aft, here is where the sick-sacks are, wear your seatbelt the whole time, don't touch anything unless I say you can.
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This.
 
nauga said:
I once got an egress brief in an A-3 (no ejection seats) from a new-to-me aircraft commander: "If you *need* to get out you probably can't, and if you *can* get out you probably don't need to. Any questions?"

Nauga,
who knows how Jonah felt
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Yep ... and when I was in the E-2, bail out drills were PT exercises, since

"nobody's successfully bailed out of the Hawkeye yet" (then)

ditching drills were a NATOPS required exercise, to be scheduled on the hottest, most humid day of the year, along with (at least for my seat in the plane)

"NATOPS says do this... However, in the two successful ditchings in the history of the Hawkeye, the airplane broke in half. Your exit will be directly ahead of you. Unbuckle, stand up, and swim like hell."

Fortunately, never had to perform either maneuver outside of NATOPS quals.
 
Everyone thinks that aircraft seat belts are obvious but history has proven otherwise. People are most familiar with automobile seat belts which have push-to-release buttons, not pull-to-release levers. When panic sets in, people get stuck in their seat belts and burn alive.

The other non-obvious thing I have personally caught passengers doing is fastening the belt with the lever in towards their body. The lever must be facing outwards or else you can't get out of the belt if it is under tension (resting upside-down, for example). Great way to burn or drown in an otherwise survivable situation.

A belt cutter is a good thing to have secured within arms reach in both cars and GA.
 
ollopa said:
The other non-obvious thing I have personally caught passengers doing is fastening the belt with the lever in towards their body.
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Later model Cessna singles have airbags built into the lap belts.

I routinely have to tell people not to aim the airbag at anything they might want to keep.
 
So, just for grins, what's the reason for not using the push-button automotive style seat belt?
 
MAKG1 said:
Age.

They are used in later models such as "restart" Cessna 172s.
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I was referring more to their use in modern airliners. I've noticed the modernized versions in the 172R's vs the earlier P-models I've flown. The newer 737-800s that SWA is using still have the old-style buckle.
 
ollopa said:
The other non-obvious thing I have personally caught passengers doing is fastening the belt with the lever in towards their body. The lever must be facing outwards or else you can't get out of the belt if it is under tension........
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That, I never really thought about. Thanks.
 
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