WARNING TO ALL MALES.!!!

Zeldman

Zeldman

Touchdown! Greaser!
Joined
Jun 13, 2014
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Display name:
Billy
Last week while Christmas shopping I saw something that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a glass of wine (or three) with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

Three hours later, but possibly only a minute later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, left thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
 
Where did you steal that story from? Try the real thing then come back and talk about it.
 
And u didn't get this on video? Rookie!
 
Anyone who would do that to themselves when there was a nearby test animal deserves what they get.
 
When I got a shock collar for my beagle back in the day to remind him we were chasing rabbits not deer I tried it on myself. Figured if I am going to inflict it on the dog I should know what I am asking of the poor boy. It had 5 settings. 1 was nothing a tingle, 2 not bad by three it hurt and by 5 I wasn't having fun anymore.
 
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Whether that story is true or just an internet legend, I don't care. I laughed til the tears came!
 
I'm dying, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
 
Next time, start on the floor...
 

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Ok, I laughed a whole lot at that! Maybe too much, but that's ok! :)
 
Zeldman said:
Last week while Christmas shopping I saw something that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a glass of wine (or three) with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

Three hours later, but possibly only a minute later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, left thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Click to expand...


You are the reason why we have warnings like this:
 

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My tennis elbow's been acting up, so my bride bought me one of those electronic stimulation dealio's Shaq advertises. CVS edition.

You would be surprised how much shock value you can get out of a coin battery.

Darn thing works pretty well though. Kind of amusing watching your forearm, fingers and whatnot twitch around involuntarily.
 
Volts * amps = watts

100,000 v is a 100w light bulb with 0.001 amps. The question is what's the amperage on the taser?
 
Just consider it a TENS unit, but at a fraction of the cost.
 
Which makes me wonder - think tazering one's self in the dick could be a quick alternative to Viagra or Cialis?
 
two similar stories.

This really happened to me. About 1970 or so my younger brother and I were over at a friends house and he showed me a shock stick his mother had gotten to use to train the dogs to not crap in the house. He was all upset because he thought it was inhumane to use this thing. We were curious just how bad it was and so my younger brother ( perhaps 14 or 15 at the time ) offer to get zapped. Tom proceeded to zap my brother and he said it was not bad. I questioned this and he said go ahead and try it yourself. So I had Tom zap me. Damn near fell on the floor twitching. My brother busted his guts laughing. He said it was the hardest thing he had done to not react to it so he could trick me into doing it. We still laugh about it.

This is a story told to me by my drill Chief Petty Officer in Navy boot camp. I believe it to be true but cannot verify it. He and his brother were walking around down on their farm in the deep south. He and his brother decided to have a true ****ing contest to see who could get the highest stream. unbeknownst to the brother my chief tricked him into peeing on a electric cattle fence. He said his brother testicles ended up swelling tot he size of grapefruit. When ever he and his brother get together the brother still punches the chief first to try to get even.
 
jtheune said:
two similar stories.



This is a story told to me by my drill Chief Petty Officer in Navy boot camp. I believe it to be true but cannot verify it. He and his brother were walking around down on their farm in the deep south. He and his brother decided to have a true ****ing contest to see who could get the highest stream. unbeknownst to the brother my chief tricked him into peeing on a electric cattle fence. He said his brother testicles ended up swelling tot he size of grapefruit. When ever he and his brother get together the brother still punches the chief first to try to get even.
Click to expand...

Definitely a fable. Mythbusters tested that theory and concluded that it's not possible. Stream is too broken :)

for OP: too funny
 
Shocking.

I had a high-school science teacher demonstrate a capacitor by getting everyone in a circle holding hands, with one guy holding the capacitor in one hand. When the last two people joined hands completing the circuit, everyone was jolted.
 
My HS chemistry teacher picked on the guy sitting next to me when he kept talking during class. "Frank? Why don't you come up here and we make a portable bunsen burner?"

Frank was actually a pretty cool guy. (The exact workings of this next part are a little hazy, it's been a loooong time since high school.) He went up front and the teacher took a plastic bag and rubber banded it to a rubber stopper with a hole in it. He then put an eye dropper or something similar into the stopper to act as a nozzle. Then he inflated the bag from the gas outlet at the front desk. He had Frank hold the stopper of of this gas filled bag while he touched off the end end of the stopper.

Frank lost most of the hair off the back of his arm, and we all got a pretty good laugh...after our ears stopped ringing.

Teachers aren't allowed to blow up their students anymore.
 
I stuck a Popsicle stick in an outlet when I was a kid. But I was double dog dared so I had to.
 
Sac Arrow said:
Which makes me wonder - think tazering one's self in the dick could be a quick alternative to Viagra or Cialis?
Click to expand...

Seems to me it'd be the quick "antidote" to Viagra and cialis.
"three hours, fifty-nine minutes, 57,58,59, NOW"
 
Zeldman said:
Last week while Christmas shopping I saw something that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping the cat (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a glass of wine (or three) with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note:
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

Three hours later, but possibly only a minute later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

· My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV.

· The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

· My triceps, left thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

· My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

· I had no control over the drooling.

· Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.

· I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Click to expand...

Ok, I don't know you, but this definitely reminds me of the saying "More balls than brains". Well done.
 
Man I read that and I now realize what it is like to be on the other side of a story like that.

It's awesome on this side.
 
Man, this sure looked like a Captain or 6PC thread...
 
True story - I was visiting some friends and there was an impromptu football game. The ball went over a fence and - eager to be helpful I rushed to be the first to jump the fence and go get it. I didn't know it was electrified for cattle. I gave them all a good laugh when I put both hands on the top wire to jump... and suffered through 10-15 jolts I think before someone helped pull me off.
 
I've been tazered a few times. It's definitely uncomfortable but not nearly as bad as that story implies.
 
Lmao.

We used to mess around with tasers when we were in high school, I never pooped my pants or anything but I definitely didn't enjoy getting zapped. Doing the zapping is another story though!
 
Somebody else here has to remember the episode of Cheers where Cliffy wears little "zapper" as a behavior modification tool....
 
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