Not sure how this happened to me...

steingar said:
Of course. If I promise to do something and don't do it I expect to give and apology and do my best to rectify the situation. If I somehow wrong my spouse (which I've done inadvertently more times than I can count, but NEVER on purpose) I of course want to do what I can to make things right. But I never want to have to make apology for something I didn't do and won't. That's the kind of advice I got from my now divorced friends. Good luck. Marriage isn't easy (why half the population can't seem to hack it) but is enormously valuable if you can develop the skills to keep it moving. Good luck.
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I definitely did not mean apologizing for something you had no part in, and I definitely didn't mean that earlier. I'm not going to take responsibility for something I couldn't have changed and wasn't involved in. I'll sympathize, of course. But claim it as my fault? That's a recipe for disaster.

And I've wondered if acknowledging that marriage won't be easy isn't actually half the battle won. If you're not expecting easy, you won't get thrown off when it gets hard, you know?
 
SkyChaser said:
I definitely did not mean apologizing for something you had no part in, and I definitely didn't mean that earlier. I'm not going to take responsibility for something I couldn't have changed and wasn't involved in. I'll sympathize, of course. But claim it as my fault? That's a recipe for disaster.
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I think both partners have to be able to receive criticism and understand their part when things go wrong. If all they do is get defensive the relationship will never grow.

SkyChaser said:
And I've wondered if acknowledging that marriage won't be easy isn't actually half the battle won. If you're not expecting easy, you won't get thrown off when it gets hard, you know?
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Yup. It isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Your spouse should be your best buddy, there to have your back when the chips are down. The only way these things work, actually.
 
Rushie said:
A book my husband and I both read was “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” and both of us found it helpful. For example, when upset a man will go into his “cave”. Not a literal man-cave although he may retreat to that too, but he will withdraw into himself, and need time to process whatever it was that upset him. Don’t nag him and try to force him to talk. Give him a couple days and he will come around and when he does everything will be fine. On the other hand, when a woman is upset, the exact wrong thing to do is leave her alone. A woman processes stuff by talking about it. We found a lot of stuff in that book was very applicable to us.
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What I got out of that book is that nobody says what they mean, and it’s everyone’s responsibility to be psychic. :(
 
jsstevens said:
Do you have your Q-36 Space Modulator?
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2d82b1970fe392d021636e06805bc99d96ddf171.jpeg
 
This is such a fun thread. I’ve been married long enough now that I’ve figured out three phases of marriage:

1. The early years: You argue about stupid stuff. You are negotiating the basics of merging two individuals’ lives into a single workable household and each of you is invested in continuing things your way and a little defensive when it’s suggested that your way is not the right way. But you are still in “infatuation” with each other so that remains the glue that keeps you together. You gradually learn how to argue/negotiate without cutting each other too much. You learn to sometimes give in, sometimes hold your ground, and sometimes agree to disagree.

2. The middle years: These are very busy, and if you have children extremely so. You are focused on work and building for the future. Infatuation has faded and become a deeper friendship and love, but this can also be a time of danger if you allow the romance to slip away. Vigilance is required. This is where the shared values and goals and a strong underlying friendship become crucial to keeping you together. Arguments now can be over very serious matters. Threats include money issues, outside temptations, and external events causing crisis such as major illness, accident, job loss, which put enormous stress on relationships. This is where you discover the number one ingredient for a successful marriage: You married the right person to begin with.

3. The “seasoned” marriage: The kids are grown and out of the house and you now have a long history together. You’ve merged lives so well that arguments over little stuff have become a comedy routine. Arguments over big stuff no longer threaten the marriage because each of you is secure in the knowledge the other won’t abandon you. You know each other better than they know themselves. You can rekindle romance and rediscover fun things together (the fun things you couldn’t do with the kids around :) ). You also face age related health problems. Crises that might have threatened the marriage earlier are now dealt with with absolute loyalty to each other no matter what.

That’s as far as we’ve gotten, there might be a fourth phase.
 
And I'll add to Rushie's excellent comments above, partly you married the right person, mostly you're both committed to being the right person.

There are things I miss from each of phase 1 and 2, and yet, I couldn't have imagined how much more I love Susan today than I did when we got married.
 
Wow what a fantastic story. Congratulations on the wedding!

Some advice my Dad gave my wife and I prior to our wedding. 50/50 is crap - sometimes it 80/20, 60/40, 30/70 if you start measuring that's when bad things happen. We each do whatever needs to be done based on how much time we each have.
 
NHWannabe said:
Wow what a fantastic story. Congratulations on the wedding!

Some advice my Dad gave my wife and I prior to our wedding. 50/50 is crap - sometimes it 80/20, 60/40, 30/70 if you start measuring that's when bad things happen. We each do whatever needs to be done based on how much time we each have.
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I was taught it was 100/100.
 
NHWannabe said:
Some advice my Dad gave my wife and I prior to our wedding. 50/50 is crap - sometimes it 80/20, 60/40, 30/70 if you start measuring that's when bad things happen. We each do whatever needs to be done based on how much time we each have.
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That's very true.
 
Rushie said:
This is such a fun thread. I’ve been married long enough now that I’ve figured out three phases of marriage:

1. The early years: You argue about stupid stuff. You are negotiating the basics of merging two individuals’ lives into a single workable household and each of you is invested in continuing things your way and a little defensive when it’s suggested that your way is not the right way. But you are still in “infatuation” with each other so that remains the glue that keeps you together. You gradually learn how to argue/negotiate without cutting each other too much. You learn to sometimes give in, sometimes hold your ground, and sometimes agree to disagree.

2. The middle years: These are very busy, and if you have children extremely so. You are focused on work and building for the future. Infatuation has faded and become a deeper friendship and love, but this can also be a time of danger if you allow the romance to slip away. Vigilance is required. This is where the shared values and goals and a strong underlying friendship become crucial to keeping you together. Arguments now can be over very serious matters. Threats include money issues, outside temptations, and external events causing crisis such as major illness, accident, job loss, which put enormous stress on relationships. This is where you discover the number one ingredient for a successful marriage: You married the right person to begin with.

3. The “seasoned” marriage: The kids are grown and out of the house and you now have a long history together. You’ve merged lives so well that arguments over little stuff have become a comedy routine. Arguments over big stuff no longer threaten the marriage because each of you is secure in the knowledge the other won’t abandon you. You know each other better than they know themselves. You can rekindle romance and rediscover fun things together (the fun things you couldn’t do with the kids around :) ). You also face age related health problems. Crises that might have threatened the marriage earlier are now dealt with with absolute loyalty to each other no matter what.

That’s as far as we’ve gotten, there might be a fourth phase.
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I think there is a 4th phase, though, and I dread it. It’s when “until death do us part” becomes reality. I’ve watched my in-laws and my mom go through it and it’s agony. Especially when there are months or more of failing health and the impending loss of your spouse is weighing on you day after day.
 
Congratulations. Beautiful bride and good looking groom and you both look happy, as you should.

Many great thoughtful posts here. Some a bit textbook BS that doesn’t result in both being happy.

But three were spot on and one made me emotional even. I was going to highlight all three posters here, but they were all @Rushie !

Things I didn’t realize because of my super nice guy Catholic upbringing. Sex and attraction are really important. If you aren’t Gaga can’t keep your hands off each other early on, not a good sign. Sex isn’t bad and you need to be attracted to each other.

Sex isn’t everything but without it there is a lot of animosity.

And the rest of those posts were true too. In my experience, if she’s friendly and physically connected to him he will take a bullet defending you and working to get what you need.

Lots of other great advice too. Don’t look for 50/50 (both give what’s needed to keep moving forward). Don’t try to solve her problems but take the garbage out or fix the toilet when you see it is full/broke. Be nice. Words don’t leave bruises but they leave scars. If you’re going for the juggler, and you know when you are, bite your tongue.

I’m rambling. Rushie’s post (about the stages) gives me hope!
 
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NHWannabe said:
Wow what a fantastic story. Congratulations on the wedding!

Some advice my Dad gave my wife and I prior to our wedding. 50/50 is crap - sometimes it 80/20, 60/40, 30/70 if you start measuring that's when bad things happen. We each do whatever needs to be done based on how much time we each have.
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I agree and there are some other general guidelines. If one person feels very strongly and the other only cares a little bit, the one more invested wins. The balance doesn’t have to even out 50/50 but if it gets too skewed one way then you might have a personality problem such as control freak, and you’re getting into psychological pathology territory. All of this discussion, as far as I’m concerned, assumes two basically healthy people. It all goes out the window if one or both is a narcissist, sociopath, co-dependent, etc.
 
Terry M - 3CK (Chicago) said:
Congratulations. Beautiful bride and good looking groom and you both look happy, as you should.

Many great thoughtful posts here. Some a bit textbook BS that doesn’t result in both being happy.

But three were spot on and one made me emotional even. I was going to highlight all three posters here, but they were all @Rushie !

Things I didn’t realize because of my super nice guy Catholic upbringing. Sex and attraction are really important. If you aren’t Gaga can’t keep your hands off each other early on, not a good sign. Sex isn’t bad and you need to be attracted to each other.

Sex isn’t everything but without it there is a lot of animosity.

And the rest of those posts were true too. In my experience, if she’s friendly and physically connected to him he will take a bummer defending you and working to get what you need.

Lots of other great advice too. Don’t look fir 50/50 (both give what’s needed to keep moving forward). Don’t try to solve her problems but take the garbage out or fix the toilet when you see it is full/broke. Be nice. Words don’t leave bruises but they leave scars. If you’re going for the juggler, and you know when you are, bite your tongue.

I’m rambling. Rushie’s post (about the stages) gives me hope!
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Wow, thanks. I was also raised Catholic and was raised with a few hang ups about sex. And also like you, I figured out how important it is in a marriage, but haven’t really gone on about it for fear of embarrassing the young ‘uns. But now that you mention it, I’ll dive in. It can be a great way to reboot things if you’ve gotten into a big fight and are angry. We call that a “grudge you-know-what”. Or if you just feel generally annoyed around each other without any specific cause, having a tumble in the hay reconnects you emotionally and makes everything relaxed again.

The biggest problem I found when we had little kids was, as a female, you really don’t feel like it much of the time. You’re tired. Biologically we aren’t programmed to have sex at all while pregnant and nursing an infant and we evolved to nurse for up to three years, although few of us do that long. But men aren’t built to have sex only once every three or four years. Women need to put effort into maintaining a much better rate than that if they want their man to be happy. Not in the mood? Make yourself get in the mood. Within limits; exhaustion is a reality he needs to understand. But men need to do the things that encourage the woman. Date night, get a sitter, all the stereotypical courtship attention will help but both should also try to maintain attractiveness. Menopause is a whole other subject I won’t get into here except to say there are solutions and in my opinion, if a woman says, “that’s it I’m done with sex”, then she shouldn’t be surprised if her man strays.
 
Half Fast said:
I think there is a 4th phase, though, and I dread it. It’s when “until death do us part” becomes reality. I’ve watched my in-laws and my mom go through it and it’s agony. Especially when there are months or more of failing health and the impending loss of your spouse is weighing on you day after day.
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I’ve been thinking about that and I agree. Dementia is another thing that can derail even the strength of a long term good marriage. I know a man who left his wife of many decades when they were in their 80s when he began suffering from dementia. The woman who took him was a manipulator, got him to change his Will and ended up with his money after he died only six months later. The fourth phase could be fraught with all kinds of danger and misery. I’m not looking forward to it either.
 
I just want to say congratulations on the marriage, although for some reason, I thought Skychaser was just a kid, fresh out of high school.

I also want to say that I really, really am starting to like this Rushie woman. :yesnod: That is to say, I never disliked her at all, just..well, you know what I mean.
 
Piper18O said:
If you both are from Mars......I don't even want to ask....
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You mean like if you’re a gay couple? Good question. When we first married, our best “double date” friends were two gay men who lived nearby so the four of us would hang out together. These two were both masculine and had typical male personalities so you would think they’d get along better than a male/female couple or a gay couple where one is very fem, but I don’t think it works that way. All the gay couples I know have similar issues to straight couples, but I’ve never been on the inside of a same sex marriage so I can’t say for sure.

All the “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” stuff is generalities anyway. There is a lot of overlap and individual variation. Men and women are more alike than different. We all have a mix of what are maybe unfairly viewed as masculine and feminine characteristics, it’s just the proportion tends in one direction or another.
 
Half Fast said:
Have regular colonoscopies starting at age 50.
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I think the recommendation is down to 45. I still have a few more years, but not at all looking forward to it!
 
Timbeck2 said:
I just want to say congratulations on the marriage, although for some reason, I thought Skychaser was just a kid, fresh out of high school.

I also want to say that I really, really am starting to like this Rushie woman. :yesnod: That is to say, I never disliked her at all, just..well, you know what I mean.
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Aw thanks. Maybe you’re right, maybe she is fresh out of high school but I don’t want to speak for her. Our daughter has been with her husband from high school. Sometimes the young matches end up being the one.
 
Timbeck2 said:
I just want to say congratulations on the marriage, although for some reason, I thought Skychaser was just a kid, fresh out of high school.
...
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Rushie said:
Aw thanks. Maybe you’re right, maybe she is fresh out of high school but I don’t want to speak for her. Our daughter has been with her husband from high school. Sometimes the young matches end up being the one.
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Not quite fresh out of high school - I've been out of college for three years now! LOL I'm going to be 24 pretty soon, so young in relation to many here, I guess, but not quite that young! :)

2-Bit Speed said:
Just want to mention that I've been overwhelmed by the support and wisdom that has been shared on this thread and wanted to thank you all.
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And this. :) It has been such a pleasure to be part of this community, and to have had you guys cheering me on and being so happy for me through my journey to becoming a pilot and now with your support at the most wonderful time of my life so far!
 
SkyChaser said:
Not quite fresh out of high school - I've been out of college for three years now! LOL I'm going to be 24 pretty soon, so young in relation to many here, I guess, but not quite that young! :)



And this. :) It has been such a pleasure to be part of this community, and to have had you guys cheering me on and being so happy for me through my journey to becoming a pilot and now with your support at the most wonderful time of my life so far!
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We will keep cheering. Don't disappear on us.
 
Have four separate bank accounts:
1) His
2) Hers
3) One for joint expenses like food and utilities or mortgage or whatever, and figure out a fair scheme for each contributing to it
4) Airplane

This won't eliminate all sources of marital arguments, but it will somewhat alleviate some of them.

I would be divorced now if we had merged our finances. Independence is important for the modern woman (or man).

All the best!
 
kath said:
Have four separate bank accounts:
1) His
2) Hers
3) One for joint expenses like food and utilities or mortgage or whatever, and figure out a fair scheme for each contributing to it
4) Airplane

This won't eliminate all sources of marital arguments, but it will somewhat alleviate some of them.

I would be divorced now if we had merged our finances. Independence is important for the modern woman (or man).

All the best!
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That's terrible advice in my opinion, but I won't argue if it works for you.

Rushie said:
Sometimes the young matches end up being the one.
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My wife wasn't old enough to drink (legally) at her own wedding. That was 14.5 years and 5 kids ago. I think it has much more to do with finding a person you're compatible with and continuing to work through the hard times together.
 
kath said:
Have four separate bank accounts:
1) His
2) Hers
3) One for joint expenses like food and utilities or mortgage or whatever, and figure out a fair scheme for each contributing to it
4) Airplane

This won't eliminate all sources of marital arguments, but it will somewhat alleviate some of them.

I would be divorced now if we had merged our finances. Independence is important for the modern woman (or man).

All the best!
Click to expand...



That works for some, not for all. We have several accounts for different purposes, including an airplane account, but they’re all “ours.” It’s worked just fine since 1993.

But it’s true that finances can put a great strain on a marriage. It’s important for a couple to find what works best and get on the same page.
 
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