NA - Resource help for aging parents

gkainz

gkainz

Final Approach
Joined
Feb 23, 2005
Messages
8,401
Location
Arvada, CO
Display Name
Display name:
Greg Kainz
Hi all - desperately seeking resources to help me get a better handle on the "whats, whys and wherefors" on caring for aging parents, especially when they're remote. Patient advocate services? Federal, state, local agencies that might be a case manager or point of contact for communication between hospitals, nursing homes, etc?
Thanks!
 
Start with the state department on aging, if there is one, also organizations like Catholic Charities, Jewish Community Services...

Other than that, I've been from social worker to social worker and not found one who will take the lead.

The nursing homes have social workers who will help you apply for public aid and such.
 
Last edited:
Mikes on target. Jewish Family Services and Catholic famiy Services both offer good Social Work help ( Despite their names they are really non denominational and don't limite their work to thier own religions.
 
On top of that are either a veteran? The VA can and does help. There are somethings to be aware of that are helpful. One Medicare does cover 30days a year of nursing home care, the federal department of housing does have subsidized housing for older people. My step father was in one of these and it was really, REALLY nice. It only cost him $384/mo for a one bedroom that was all redone and modern. He moved from a $800/mo apartment into that one. He is now in assisted living and getting money form the VA and the state.
 
smigaldi said:
On top of that are either a veteran? The VA can and does help. There are somethings to be aware of that are helpful. One Medicare does cover 30days a year of nursing home care, ...
Click to expand...

I think Medicare will pay for up to 100 days if it's in conjunction with medical treatment. They paid twice when my mom was getting therapy.
 
mikea said:
I think Medicare will pay for up to 100 days if it's in conjunction with medical treatment. They paid twice when my mom was getting therapy.
Click to expand...

Medicare pays in full for the first 21 days following 3 midnights stay in a hospital. The next 79 days are covered @ 80%. If they have supplemental insurance, it can cover the remaining 20%.

Longterm care insurance helps, especially if it has an assisted living coverage. But most policies have a lifetime payout limit.

Once their assets reach a certain number, then they can apply for Medicaid. There are ways to shield certain things (house, car, etc.) An attorney would be the one to ask about this for sure.

Growing old really stinks. My dad was the one who gave me my joy of flying. Now he is in a nursing home, and we don't really know if he knows who I am.
________
cloudy trichomes
 
Last edited:
Erice said:
Growing old really stinks. My dad was the one who gave me my joy of flying. Now he is in a nursing home, and we don't really know if he knows who I am.
Click to expand...
It (usually) beats the alternative. However, Quality of Life is really important, IMHO. When my mind goes, though....:dunno::hairraise:
 
gprellwitz said:
It (usually) beats the alternative. However, Quality of Life is really important, IMHO. When my mind goes, though....:dunno::hairraise:
Click to expand...

I had an interesting conversation with my exgirlfiend's grandma Dink on this subject, whether it was better to have the body fail first or the mind. Her husband died in his 70s with a sharp mind, but had suffered severe arthritis that left him in a wheelchair for the last 20. Before that he had an active life, and he was depressed for quite a while. Conversly my ex wifes grandfather died in his 80s, still physically fit, but with Alzheimers so bad he was on the ranch 50 years ago in his mind. He barely showed recognition that the real world even existed and would hurt himself wandering around the nursing home, but he was always smiling and giggling to himself. Finally I made him a walker type frame on casters and mounted his old saddle on it, and he'd just cruise the halls all day smiling.

Personally, I'd like to go like my old friend Art Reynolds (y'all know him, or at least his invention, the "drive by braile" reflector bumps on the highway), good mind, reasonably healthy body, just didn't wake up one day.
 
You might look at your company's HR department. Mine offers elder care options. Since both my parents have long since passed away, it's not an option I've paid much attention to.
There may be elder services in your local community (sponsored by your town). There may be a support group you can get info from.
There may be some worthwhile assisted living communities in your area. Here's one that's local to me. I have a friend who bought in early and is quite pleased. (Try google for "assisted living".)
 
A really good thing is to arrange so they are no longer remote. Improves a lot of aspects of their existence and yours.
 
steingar said:
A really good thing is to arrange so they are no longer remote. Improves a lot of aspects of their existence and yours.
Click to expand...
That is sometimes easier said than done, especially when they are unwilling to give up a city and surroundings they love in order to live with or near you, and you are unwilling to uproot yourself and change your life completely in order to go live near them. I've come to the conclusion that older people are not children and that you should not impose your will on them unless they are mentally unable to make decisions for themselves.
 
Everskyward said:
That is sometimes easier said than done, especially when they are unwilling to give up a city and surroundings they love in order to live with or near you, and you are unwilling to uproot yourself and change your life completely in order to go live near them. I've come to the conclusion that older people are not children and that you should not impose your will on them unless they are mentally unable to make decisions for themselves.
Click to expand...

Exactly, but I won't have that problem.
 
Everskyward said:
That is sometimes easier said than done, especially when they are unwilling to give up a city and surroundings they love in order to live with or near you, and you are unwilling to uproot yourself and change your life completely in order to go live near them. I've come to the conclusion that older people are not children and that you should not impose your will on them unless they are mentally unable to make decisions for themselves.
Click to expand...

Very true, and I have similar issues with a parent myself. However, if they are unable to care for themselves then it is time for an intervention. Been there, done that. Wasn't pretty, but it worked. Look, there comes a time when you become the responsible party. You can't impose, but you can insist. If you have siblings they can help.

A big problem is that people don't always listen to old folks. As a result the most important voice is often yours. It is very difficult to act as an advocate for your parents if they are far away.

If they are in good shape but just need a bit of help there are agencies to provide such services. People who are insured that can do whatever it is your folks might need. Often they are supervised by a nurse or social worker who can stop in on a monthly basis can make certain that everything is all right. SOMEONE should be around monthly or weekly to ensure their well being.

Things have really changed since our folks were our age. The old folks homes now resemble 5 star hotels more than nursing homes. They're bleeding expensive, but well worth it. Many have varying levels of care; from very, very little to a lot. If your folks are having trouble taking care of themselves, such places can be an option, however they are very expensive.

We found out about most of these things from a social worker provided by the hospital during one of my father-in-laws numerous stays. Everyone has had good input, odds are there are agencies where they are that can help you navigate the local health care environment. Often there are no good decisions to be made, and we just do what we can. Good luck.
 
Everskyward said:
... I've come to the conclusion that older people are not children and that you should not impose your will on them unless they are mentally unable to make decisions for themselves.
Click to expand...

It's a tough balance. People have the right to their own decisions and consequences. But, when you are the responsible party because the individual has put you in that position voluntarily or otherwise, I think the rules change. You'll need to balance what's in his or her best interest with what's in the best interest of the rest of your own family.

It's a struggle every day.

Good luck Greg.
 
Matthew said:
People have the right to their own decisions and consequences. But, when you are the responsible party because the individual has put you in that position voluntarily or otherwise, I think the rules change.
Click to expand...
That may be true, but while someone is still able to make decisions for themselves they should. I would not want my children (if I had any) make my decisions for me. But that's something I don't need to worry about.

The cats aren't going to put me in a home... ;)
 
Everskyward said:
The cats aren't going to put me in a home... ;)
Click to expand...
I wouldn't bet on that ... they're ALWAYS plotting a takeover ... as soon as they figure out how to run the can opener, Mari, you're expendable! :rofl:
 
Everskyward said:
That may be true, but while someone is still able to make decisions for themselves they should. I would not want my children (if I had any) make my decisions for me. But that's something I don't need to worry about.

The cats aren't going to put me in a home... ;)
Click to expand...

Yeah, I agree. What I was trying to get at is that when you are the caretaker, and those decisions that the individual wants to make directly impact your own family, then you have to weigh the consequences of allowing those decisions to happen.

My family lives with that struggle every day.

--

Getting back to the original questions - it's really tough dealing with a long-distance situation. There are social workers and other resources that you can use for assistance, but it really takes somebody in the family to follow up with the nursing care and medical care. Sometimes that means a phone call every day, sometimes it means a personal visit every week or every other week. That's where the strain of long distance care really starts to wear on you.
 
Try it when the elderly person is getting phone calls telling her she wants to come home so they can have her income again.

I'm stopping the phone calls.
 
Dealing with an aging parent especially long distance can be a challenge. I know, we went through it with my Mother. What with the mini strokes and early alzheimers she could no long stay by herself. To have moved her into even an assisted living arangement would have killed her will to live. I know because I watched my Uncle and my Wife's Aunt just give up and die when they lost their independance. Fortunatly we were able to afford live in 24 hour care for her. So for the last two years she was able to live in familiar surroundings with the help of two very caring people. That being said we plan on living long enough to become a total pain in the a$$ for our two children. I figure it will be just payback for all the crap they put us through when they were young and now all the garbage what with the divorces and court battles over the kids. Their time is coming.:yes:
Ron
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top