SixPapaCharlie
May the force be with you
- Joined
- Aug 8, 2013
- Messages
- 16,415
- Display Name
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Sixer
There I was.
It was storming out and I was curled up on the couch under my favorite saved by the bell fleece blanket.
The one where Kelly's face had turned maroon because of Zack and Screech's face cream. Classic episode.
The fire was warming the room and Kelly Kapowski was flirting with me.
Just then a life changing text exploded across my phone like the voice of God (whichever one you prefer)
It was from T-Dub.
I read all of his texts in the voice of God (The real one)
If you haven't met him in person, the man seriously has this huge booming voice.
He doesn't even have a radio in his plane. His voice is that big.
He is like a white Morgan Freeman or a black James Earl Jones.
I get the text and it is on the topic of Uber as a way to pick up some cash on the side.
The next text came in and this one was even louder. "Perhaps you should take a look at this instructional video"
Yeah, like I am going to read the instructions. Um no.
The third text came in louder still, this one offering a link to a forum and instructions but it was too late.
I was already in my car. This was no time to learn, read, or research.
It was time to make it rain (not literally though it was pouring out. This is a financial expression. Stay with me.)
I get the app, send in photos of my junk (not that junk, I'm referring to license, insurance, registration, and maybe
one picture of my actual junk just for good measure.)
Here is where I should have read some instructions or possibly watched a video.
My phone beeps loudly and there is a 10 second countdown. It is flashing at me. I am on the side of the road in the rain in a panic.
There is not a lot of information, only 1 address. If I don't accept, I get flagged as an uber looser.
If I accept, I am an uber good guy within the system. What to do?!?!?
I was frantic, confused, bemused even. With all the excitement and confusion, the countdown expired.
I then decided on this virgin run to trek a couple blocks to the college so I could get my feet wet. (Not literally. I fear
the rain in this theater of the mind might mislead you when it comes to expressions like this)
This plan would be good. I could drive a couple hipsters from their apartment to the local bars and pick up a couple bucks.
I waited...
KAAAAPLOW!!!!!!!!!!
Another alert came screaming out of my phone.
It was from Uber. Same style as before, it read: "Mayham Death Killer needs a ride. Pick him up at the old abandon meat packing plant"
I started to panic but this time took a deep breath and accepted with the excitement of a fresh hooker landing her first John.
Suddenly my phone was doing the Macarena.
Lights, bells, maps, instructions. it was like a little rave on my phone.
Turn by turn instructions and an ETA showed I would be able to pick up this young hipster in 3 minutes.
Uber still never told me where was headed but that didn't matter. I was doing God's work now.
I am sure I need to get this young coed a few blocks over to get his drink on.
I pull into what I expected would have been an apartment complex.
However when I arrived it was more of an abandon house for sale.
No lights on and the stench of death in the air.
I open my front pax door. and wait. And here he comes.
It is a towering giant of a man that looks like they guy from the movie Candyman only less candy and more man.
He has a large duffel bag with him.
He climbs in the back and says "Take me to the mall in Dallas"
Wait What?????
That's like an hour away. WTF?!?!
He does not speak another word.
I drive the whole time wondering why this horrible man is taking a duffel bag to a mall on Black Friday.
I am totally going to be on the news.
I try to make small talk as I fight rain and traffic on I-35 but not a peep out of Mr.Murder Bomber in the backseat.
As we approach our destination he makes a phone call.
I listen attentively so I can give the details to the cops while the forensics team is counting body parts.
"Hey man" he says in a voice 10 times more boomy than T-Dub's
It was like the voice of God's Dad.
"You still at the mall?"
"Alright, I will meet you in the parking garage and put the stuff in your car"
He hangs up and tells me to pull into the parking garage.
This is where I am going to die. I know it.
He then says "There's my guy", grabs his bag of bombs and severed heads and jumps out of my car.
I drive an hour back home with a huge grin on my face because I just got the email from Uber showing I just made $33.76 BOOM!!!
Take that Candy Man!!!
I sang all the way home "I gotcho money. I'm gonna be rich!!"
I considered accepting another client but I feared they would hop in and say "Take me to Austin" and it was getting late.
Plus where am I going to store all this money ya know.
I think my life would be different if I were more of a “reads the instructions” kinda guy.
It was storming out and I was curled up on the couch under my favorite saved by the bell fleece blanket.
The one where Kelly's face had turned maroon because of Zack and Screech's face cream. Classic episode.
The fire was warming the room and Kelly Kapowski was flirting with me.
Just then a life changing text exploded across my phone like the voice of God (whichever one you prefer)
It was from T-Dub.
I read all of his texts in the voice of God (The real one)
If you haven't met him in person, the man seriously has this huge booming voice.
He doesn't even have a radio in his plane. His voice is that big.
He is like a white Morgan Freeman or a black James Earl Jones.
I get the text and it is on the topic of Uber as a way to pick up some cash on the side.
The next text came in and this one was even louder. "Perhaps you should take a look at this instructional video"
Yeah, like I am going to read the instructions. Um no.
The third text came in louder still, this one offering a link to a forum and instructions but it was too late.
I was already in my car. This was no time to learn, read, or research.
It was time to make it rain (not literally though it was pouring out. This is a financial expression. Stay with me.)
I get the app, send in photos of my junk (not that junk, I'm referring to license, insurance, registration, and maybe
one picture of my actual junk just for good measure.)
Here is where I should have read some instructions or possibly watched a video.
My phone beeps loudly and there is a 10 second countdown. It is flashing at me. I am on the side of the road in the rain in a panic.
There is not a lot of information, only 1 address. If I don't accept, I get flagged as an uber looser.
If I accept, I am an uber good guy within the system. What to do?!?!?
I was frantic, confused, bemused even. With all the excitement and confusion, the countdown expired.
I then decided on this virgin run to trek a couple blocks to the college so I could get my feet wet. (Not literally. I fear
the rain in this theater of the mind might mislead you when it comes to expressions like this)
This plan would be good. I could drive a couple hipsters from their apartment to the local bars and pick up a couple bucks.
I waited...
KAAAAPLOW!!!!!!!!!!
Another alert came screaming out of my phone.
It was from Uber. Same style as before, it read: "Mayham Death Killer needs a ride. Pick him up at the old abandon meat packing plant"
I started to panic but this time took a deep breath and accepted with the excitement of a fresh hooker landing her first John.
Suddenly my phone was doing the Macarena.
Lights, bells, maps, instructions. it was like a little rave on my phone.
Turn by turn instructions and an ETA showed I would be able to pick up this young hipster in 3 minutes.
Uber still never told me where was headed but that didn't matter. I was doing God's work now.
I am sure I need to get this young coed a few blocks over to get his drink on.
I pull into what I expected would have been an apartment complex.
However when I arrived it was more of an abandon house for sale.
No lights on and the stench of death in the air.
I open my front pax door. and wait. And here he comes.
It is a towering giant of a man that looks like they guy from the movie Candyman only less candy and more man.
He has a large duffel bag with him.
He climbs in the back and says "Take me to the mall in Dallas"
Wait What?????
That's like an hour away. WTF?!?!
He does not speak another word.
I drive the whole time wondering why this horrible man is taking a duffel bag to a mall on Black Friday.
I am totally going to be on the news.
I try to make small talk as I fight rain and traffic on I-35 but not a peep out of Mr.Murder Bomber in the backseat.
As we approach our destination he makes a phone call.
I listen attentively so I can give the details to the cops while the forensics team is counting body parts.
"Hey man" he says in a voice 10 times more boomy than T-Dub's
It was like the voice of God's Dad.
"You still at the mall?"
"Alright, I will meet you in the parking garage and put the stuff in your car"
He hangs up and tells me to pull into the parking garage.
This is where I am going to die. I know it.
He then says "There's my guy", grabs his bag of bombs and severed heads and jumps out of my car.
I drive an hour back home with a huge grin on my face because I just got the email from Uber showing I just made $33.76 BOOM!!!
Take that Candy Man!!!
I sang all the way home "I gotcho money. I'm gonna be rich!!"
I considered accepting another client but I feared they would hop in and say "Take me to Austin" and it was getting late.
Plus where am I going to store all this money ya know.
I think my life would be different if I were more of a “reads the instructions” kinda guy.
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