I think my wife has Perimenopause at 48

Lonely said:
After almost 28 years of marriage, the love of my life hates me. Talk about departure from controlled-flight. Any poor ADM (A$(/*+# Decision Making) on my part was brought up from many years back. Depression, doom, gloom, tired, painful joints, hot flashes, low self- esteem, most starting late this past winter. Then three weeks ago, no interest in cuddling, kissing or "more". No interest in flying anymore. I really miss my "old" wife. For those on here that are 45+ with any tips on getting out of this flat spin I am in, it will be much appreciated. So far, I have cried (not manly I know) and begged for her forgiveness for my poor ADM(much I had forgotten about). I will have as much patience for as long as I can stand it. She is such a wonderful Mother and wife and I do not want to divorce. I know it may be hormones and chemicals that she has no control over, but right now she is in denial. Thanks.
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Looking around I noticed menopause normally starts between 45-55
 
denverpilot said:
Rapid personality change is always a sign someone needs to be evaluated by a professional. That's the base answer for everything in the thread.
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Yup. Menopause is one possibility. But, scarily, so is a tumor or something much more serious. Sudden personality changes can be several things.
 
paflyer said:
New boyfriend? Not to cast aspersions...
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That's always possible. As I sugested in my first post, this is a marriage problem and the parties are not talking about it. If one party refuses to go to counseling, it means they are not actually interested in the future of the marriage. Action on the side would be one of the reasons.


And then there is a chance that we are being trolled.
 
weilke said:
If one party refuses to go to counseling, it means they are not actually interested in the future of the marriage.
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That's one possibility. Others are that they are scared, they don't respect counseling as being useful, they don't have the money for counseling, they don't want to admit failure or they think that talking will just make things worse. There are lots of reasons people don't choose counseling.
 
Here is your two week update...She never received any professional help and wants a divorce.

I want to tell you guys that I have not been the best Dad and Husband out there. I have made some poor decisions(infidelity) a long time ago that came back up again. I being a non-Christian married a sweet Christian girl nearly 28 years ago. I was saved two years later, but did not ever prioritize going to church with my wife. She never talked about her unhappiness in the marriage, so I assumed all was ok. Well, that was until last month. So, here we are today, her thinking I won't ever change. I surprised my wife and two kids by going to Good Friday service. Well, she was not happy, because she really wants to be alone. I always prioritized work and making money to provide for the family instead of helping her and spending time with children to gove her a break.

So, to show her how serious I am about reviving our marriage, I told my family in a letter on the counter that they will find in a few hours, that I would give $14,000 to their(maybe ours) church to have the chance save our marriage and be a better Dad and Husband. That is how much she and the kids mean to me. If this don't work then we have a Tue appt with a divorce lawyer...$1200 plus $176 court cost. I cannot do anymore. I am worn out and cried all that I can.

So guys, don't take your wives for granted. A full-time working woman, plus two kids' after school activities really takes its toll.

Please wish me luck or pray for me. Thank you.
 
Sorry to hear that.

My suggestion is to extract yourself out of this situation before it turns out really bad. If she wants you gone, you are are going to be gone. It is now up to you to do this without involvement of the criminal justice system.
 
Also sorry to hear. I doubt money will fix it, either. Sorry to say.

If she's willing, marriage counseling is probably the best course of action and if she's not, you could still go on your own as a sign of goodwill and wanting to make a real change. I've known two couples where a singular spouse decided to attend formal marriage counseling without the other. In one, it didn't help the marriage but helped the individual learn more about the "why" it was coming apart. In the other, the angry spouse that wouldn't go at first decided that it made them look too disinterested during the beginnings of the decision to divorce (friends, lawyer, all sorts of people suggested she go with him at least once) and ultimately it did save the marriage and they both learned things about themselves that needed work.

It's no guarantee but if you're serious, working on yourself with a solid professional marriage counselor shows more commitment to the relationship than writing checks. My personal opinion, anyway. Money is just money. It can be made and lost and saved or spent, but the "soft" relationship skills and working on them is a must when things are bad.

Make it clear that if you go and she won't that you consider it both a commitment to yourself to learn and also a commitment to her. That's all you can do. She has to reach out from the other side and try, also. But all you can do is make the first move and reach.

"Want to be alone" indicates that she may believe you've broken trust somewhere -- most people natively don't want to be completely alone. They want someone AWAY from them which is really a different thing. You may need to dig in and figure out why she wants you away from her.

We will never be able to figure it out in text on a forum. You *have* to do this type of stuff in person with someone trained to ask the right questions and help dig out whatever is happening or happened.

All the best.
 
Lonely said:
Here is your two week update...She never received any professional help and wants a divorce.

I want to tell you guys that I have not been the best Dad and Husband out there. I have made some poor decisions(infidelity) a long time ago that came back up again. I being a non-Christian married a sweet Christian girl nearly 28 years ago. I was saved two years later, but did not ever prioritize going to church with my wife. She never talked about her unhappiness in the marriage, so I assumed all was ok. Well, that was until last month. So, here we are today, her thinking I won't ever change. I surprised my wife and two kids by going to Good Friday service. Well, she was not happy, because she really wants to be alone. I always prioritized work and making money to provide for the family instead of helping her and spending time with children to gove her a break.

So, to show her how serious I am about reviving our marriage, I told my family in a letter on the counter that they will find in a few hours, that I would give $14,000 to their(maybe ours) church to have the chance save our marriage and be a better Dad and Husband. That is how much she and the kids mean to me. If this don't work then we have a Tue appt with a divorce lawyer...$1200 plus $176 court cost. I cannot do anymore. I am worn out and cried all that I can.

So guys, don't take your wives for granted. A full-time working woman, plus two kids' after school activities really takes its toll.

Please wish me luck or pray for me. Thank you.
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Dude, sorry for your troubles, but you need some help. Giving away money is not going to help and will probably **** her off more. Letter on the counter to the family? Nope, bad idea, puts her in a bad position. This is between you and her, don't involve anyone else. Grab the letter if she hasn't found it yet and think this through. Don't be a dick to her if she wants to proceed, much better and cheaper to come to an agreement on how to end it rather than lawyers fighting it out. Find someone to help you, preferably a professional counselor. I hope you can find some happiness.
 
Change needs to start with yourself. Go to counseling by yourself if she won't go. Don't expect miracles to happen just because you are going to counseling. Plan to change everything about yourself. That may mean getting rid of the plane, if you have one, changing work priorities and getting away from the thought that money buys happiness. Go to church for yourself, not for her.

It is hard to determine from a post on the internet on what is really going on. You may need to get away from the computer as well.

It is not going to be easy... it may take 28 years to gain her trust back.

None of us are the best dad and or husband. We just do the best we can.

Pulling for ya, bud.
 
Well, we will meet with lawyer Tue. She has no desire to work things out this time. She was tired of hearing Dad and son argue, did not enjoy flying/motorcycle riding, enjoyed her church family 3X per week, and just plain tired. We will live 400' apart, which is going to be great for the children. I will help her maintain property. Everything is paid for and we split it down the middle. We are flexible with child visitation, no alimony and I will help with children as needed. What a surprise this has been. Time for some flying and stress relief. Take care guys.
 
coloradobluesky said:
If women have menapause, do men have womenapause?
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Most bad things for women have masculine names. MENopuase, MENstruation, HISterectomy.

My wife suffered from PDPMS: pre, during and post... Oh, what fun!!!
 
some times you must move on ,this is one of them.keep your $ you will need it good luck.
 
Lonely said:
Well, we will meet with lawyer Tue. She has no desire to work things out this time. She was tired of hearing Dad and son argue, did not enjoy flying/motorcycle riding, enjoyed her church family 3X per week, and just plain tired. We will live 400' apart, which is going to be great for the children. I will help her maintain property. Everything is paid for and we split it down the middle. We are flexible with child visitation, no alimony and I will help with children as needed. What a surprise this has been. Time for some flying and stress relief. Take care guys.
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I can't imagine what a shock this was to you, but it sounds like you are learning to accept it and are ready to move on. I have known many people over the years that suffered tragedy and thought they couldn't live through it. I have had a few instances myself. But time marches on and in a few years the pain will ease.

Time to get on with that flying and stress relief, but depending on your methods of stress relief, you may want to concentrate on separating the two. Good luck.
 
My wife is and has been on anti-depressants for several years and I can tell you when she stops taking them. They are a wonderful thing that saved our marriage.
 
Lonely said:
I want to tell you guys that I have not been the best Dad and Husband out there. I have made some poor decisions(infidelity) a long time ago that came back up again. I being a non-Christian married a sweet Christian girl nearly 28 years ago. I was saved two years later, but did not ever prioritize going to church with my wife. She never talked about her unhappiness in the marriage, so I assumed all was ok. Well, that was until last month. So, here we are today, her thinking I won't ever change. I surprised my wife and two kids by going to Good Friday service. Well, she was not happy, because she really wants to be alone. I always prioritized work and making money to provide for the family instead of helping her and spending time with children to gove her a break.

So, to show her how serious I am about reviving our marriage, I told my family in a letter on the counter that they will find in a few hours, that I would give $14,000 to their(maybe ours) church to have the chance save our marriage and be a better Dad and Husband. That is how much she and the kids mean to me.

So guys, don't take your wives for granted. A full-time working woman, plus two kids' after school activities really takes its toll.
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I'll tell you man. Before you get in another relationship, get some counseling. If you really thought that cheating on her, not sharing her interest in religion (which she was going to three times per week), fighting with your son, prioritizing work and not helping her - all without checking in to see how she was doing, to the point that after 28 years you were blindsided - was going to be a path to a healthy relationship, then getting yourself a relationship tune-up is going to pay dividends for the rest of your life. None of that is normal nor acceptable. Offering to pay $14K to the church was insulting. I've never met either of you, but I can still state confidently that this wasn't about money.
 
3 month update...

If you are ever asked to move out so they can sort their feelings out "alone", there is most likely an affair going on. With her preacher no less. Cell phone records and trail cams are very handy. Once the affair was brought into the light by me and the divorce was final, things started changing. Now, WE are working on the start of our second 28 yrs together, both learning from our previous mistakes, both forgiving each other, communicating much better and keeping things positive. She went on a wonderful sunset flight with me on Monday. I never gave up on her, I never dated any other girls. I did go to a marriage counselor alone at $141/hr.(Two hours of fuel, but so worth it) Did I make some poor decisions during those 4 stormy months, yes. Did I cuss or hit her or the preacher or get put in jail...No. I had a great support group locally and on here. Thank you all for your advice or nice comments. Blue skies.
 
No, I was not a troll. I have lost 36 lbs or about 6 gallons of 100LL, and down from a 38 to 32 waist. I would not recommend this for your diet plan. It was absolutely the worst experience in my life, but something I really needed to help me to make the changes to ME.
 
I hope your sacrifice and commitment are honored and reap the best for you.
 
The only piece of medical advice I'll give, is to make sure someone who takes anti depressants REALLY needs them...and not just 'feels depressed'. That can cause serious problems for all that will last a lifetime. And the Dr's hand them out like breath mints.

Relationship wise, that is a topic that is endless, and a zillion variables are involved.

So the only advice I'll give on that one is:
If you're tried all you can, and you're sitting around like a sad sack... go get laid.
It is the great neutralizer.

It will get you back in the game in more ways than one.

Edit: 'some' Dr's... not all.
 
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