Better than the semen sample I had to give when my wife couldn't get pregnant! Seriously, how long do you stay in the little room? Too soon and you look like a freak, too long and it looks like you are enjoying it way too much!
Luckily she got pregnant and we have three wonderful children, strangely none of them look the least bit like me?
After my son was born we received a letter in the mail one day from a doctor with the hospital. She was doing some research and asked if I wanted to participate in a study. They were collecting fertility samples from fathers of multiple children. Sure, why not. On the day of my first appointment I walk into a clinic in a strip mall. It's empty except for the CUTE receptionist, who tells me to have a seat, and she summons the doctor. A few seconds later an old woman comes out in a lab coat and introduces herself. When we shake hands she has the iciest, coldest hands! She thanks me and walks me back to an exam room where I'm weighed, BP taken, etc. Then she says she'll leave and asks me to undress and put a gown on. When she comes back in she puts on a pair of gloves and says...I forget what, but it was akin to "brace yourself". She grabbed hold of the boys with those icicle fingers. It must have scared the boys so bad I thought they'd crawled up into my abdomen. She wrote down a few things on her chart, then takes me to an adjoining room, hands me a plastic cup, and shows me a stack of magazines. Then points to a small tv in the corner. "There are some videos if you prefer. I'll be outside when you're done."
First of all, after those hands I wasn't sure anything
could happen. And then there's the noise factor. It was more awkward than being a teenager at home with your parents on the other side of the drywall. So I made myself comfortable on the plastic couch and flipped through some magazines. Man, at least get some current stuff, you know? So I perused some of the videos and popped a couple in, but the quality back then isn't what it is now, so I went back to the couch.
A few minutes later I emerged with the cup. And a smile on my face.
I went back to the clinic a couple more times. Same scenario each time. I'd contemplated bringing them some better videos but I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I kind of wondered whether it was the cutie's job to pick them out or the doctor's.
A month after my last visit an envelope came in the mail with a handsome check and a note thanking me for participating. I guess I missed the part that I was getting paid for doing something I'd have done anyway. I love this country!
