Tips for a fearful wife?

@painless raises some good points. You have to figure out WHY a person dislikes flying. One person I flew with hates both commercial and general aviation because of the feeling she has no control over the situation. Another hated it because she panicked the whole time, which was also her reaction to everything else in the world. I think motion sickness would be a relatively easy thing to overcome compared to those.
 
Don't know about wives, but yesterday I bribed my 10 year old with a candy shopping spree to take a flight in a new-to-us Arrow. Told her we would only do a lap in the pattern and if she liked it, we would go out west to the practice area and fly around a bit. She had a not so great experience in a rental 172 - sat in the back and her headset went inop after takeoff. So she has been apprehensive about flying with me for about a year. We talked about the new plane and I explained that it was bigger, she would sit in the front, comms would work, plane is more stable, etc. I could tell when she climbed in the right seat while I did a walk-around that she was going to have a different experience. We did a lap in the patter and even turning crosswind she asked to keep going. We ended up going out west for about 30 minutes until clouds started getting a bit low. She even liked the bumps flying under cumulus - said it was like a roller coaster.

So I guess the initial bribe worked and then just getting her comfortable with the plane slowly sealed the deal. Don't know if this works with wives, but I figured I'd share instead of starting a new thread on it. Honestly, it made me incredibly happy so see my kid enjoying flying. I told her we could look at a map (Foreflight) when we get home and she could start picking out destinations. We live in the DC area, so there are beaches, mountains, my folks lake house in PA... all within 45 minutes to 2 hours flight time depending on the destination. She seemed pretty excited by the prospect of flying to the beach or to my folks' lake house for the day.

Oh, and I did make good on the shopping spree... let her pick out three boxes of candy. Will probably regret that later due to impeding tummy ache and sugar high/crash, but getting her to fly and enjoy it was worth it.
 
Unkljohn said:
My wife doesn’t mind flying with me, especially if we are going somewhere, she has zero interest in flying “because we can”.
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Mine's the same. No zeal for flying and not afraid of it either. Just wants to use it for transportation to a destination. She also doesn't understand why I like to just go out on a drive too. :7)
 
My view...
Some pilots "over maneuver" with passengers. It startles them. Fly like an airliner with overly gentle maneuvers which requires staying WAY ahead of the plane. We have an obligation to build confidence. Easy to forget showing off how cool we are, triggers many passengers "spidey" senses triggering anxiety at different levels. What many pilots think are normal, routine, or common; scares the wits out of non-pilot passengers. Most of the public would be terrified in a slow turning 45 degree bank when something much less & shallow could be planned for and executed.

Too many pilots are too eager to show-off their skill, when the skill that is respected most is just a boring steady hand.
 
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NordicDave said:
Some pilots "over maneuver" with passengers
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So true. Forgot to mention this when I wrote up how I got my kid to fly with me. Did not do a rocketship climb. Did not do steep turns. Did not do a slip-to-land or a break at the numbers approach. I did taxi slow and straight, smooth takeoff roll, normal takeoff climbout, standard-rate turns in the pattern with a bit longer on downwind to set up a slightly longer final for a nice, stabilized approach. Greasing the landings helped, too.
 
NordicDave said:
My view...
Some pilots "over maneuver" with passengers. It startles them. Fly like an airliner with overly gentle maneuvers which requires staying WAY ahead of the plane. We have an obligation to build confidence. Easy to forget showing off how cool we are, triggers many passengers "spidey" senses triggering anxiety at different levels. What many pilots think are normal, routine, or common; scares the wits out of non-pilot passengers. Most of the public would be terrified in a slow turning 45 degree bank when something much less & shallow could be planned for and executed.

Too many pilots are too eager to show-off their skill, when the skill that is respected most is just a boring steady hand.
Click to expand...

That's actually my goal, for first time rides I try to the best of my ability to give an airliner ride. So much so that one friend towards the end of a ride asked if little planes can't bank very much, as I had kept all turns to standard rate. I told him no, we can snap it over if we like, and could show him if he wanted. He said yes, I did a nice 45* banked turn, and he enjoyed that. But, not generally on the first ride unless they ask. Same with climbs and descents, keep them to 500fpm unless safety requires a higher rate.
 
I cannot believe that nobody has suggested the obvious solution to this - get a girlfriend. The ex-wife was touched on and the two are related, but girlfriends haven't really been mentioned.
 
Some people are just genuinely fearful about flying. Trying to force such an individual to like flying (if they don't want to like flying) is like forcing someone to like spiders.

My wife was a bit cool about flying in light aircraft until we took a weekend trip to Washington DC in my dinky AA-1A, just because we could, and it took 2.5 hours instead of 7. Then the light bulb went on. GA can be fun and practical! That led to pinch-hitter training just to be safe, followed by, what the heck, just might as well get a full PPL. Now I have a copilot who is better at spotting strange airports than I am. And we fly in a more comfortable AA-5, so we can carry more than toothbrushes on our trips.
 
Thanks for all of the insight, tips, and knowledge that I'm far from alone with this problem. We talked about our flight this morning and looking back she said that while she hated every minute of it, she could probably get over her fears in time. She thinks that she needs to get used to it and would probably try again another day, but not too soon. I'll keep giving her opportunities without pressuring and let her decide when she would like to try again. In the meantime, my son and I will have our father/son time in the plane.
 
I don't see the problem here...if your wife loved it, she would take flying lessons and you would never get to fly your plane !:)

Never take her with you on the golf course either ! :)
 
Its very possible that she will never like it (or always fear it). A co-worker opted not to take flight lessons because his wife is deathly afraid of any air travel. I thought he made a mistake because he only associated flying with flying with her. At least you have your PPL and don't sound like you are going to give up!

I am wondering if some of the following could be tried. Perhaps easier if you own/vs rent:

1. Ask her to go to the airport and just sit in the plane with you. Go when its nice and cool. Promise her you are not going flying. Leave your headset and tablet behind to make it obvious you are not going flying. Maybe come up with something you need her help with (like checking all the lights, checking all the headset stations, etc). Keep the conversation light (if you can). Try to carefully work at what really bothered her. Was it small spaces....that will be obvious in minutes. Maybe it is the smells. Maybe she fears she will have to land it if something happens to you and is overwhelmed. Maybe it was motion sickness and you didn't tell her where the puke bag is, etc. Maybe the panel and/or controls are overwhelming her senses. You could switch on the tower frequency while sitting in there with her and maybe the radio is just one more thing. For some the headset clamps way too hard and during your "headset" test you could have her try your good ones. Have her move the control surfaces while you are "looking at them", etc.

2. Invoke the protective motherly instinct. If you can try another flight - have her sit in back. Of course this is the worst thing if she is prone to airsickness as any yaw is going to put her over the edge. However, seeing her kid in front is going to change her sight picture and concentration significantly. It could backfire and she will see the kid enjoy it and feel even worse about not enjoying flying with you. But maybe being away from the panel and not have any assumed responsibilities will remove some fears as she watches her child up front and both worries about him/her and sees you two enjoying it.

3. Ask her to help you clean the plane. Not always but maybe this one time. Planes are pretty tough but its not obvious if you go from car to airplane seat. With her and your kid helping you wash and vacuum might also give her a more positive experience around the plane. I'll bet she'll have questions and answering them will show you know what you are doing and perhaps knock out a few fears as well.


...you can try aroma stuff, motion sickness meds, wrist bands, streaming media, etc. But I wouldn't waste any of my time or $$$ on that until she can sit comfortably in the plane down on the ground and not have white knuckles or other obvious signs of fear. If she can associate the plane with being tough and comfortable you will at least move on towards the real underlying fear.
 
I asked the wife of another new pilot to speak with my wife to encourage her. I recommend you not do this. The well-meaning lady told my wife she was also worried about flying with her husband, but ultimately decided she'd "rather die with him than live without him."

That didn't help a bit.

At least my wife flies with me. She still closes her eyes, apparently in prayer, on short final but the sobbing has stopped. Mostly.
 
Challenged said:
I wonder if some sort of immersion therapy, like with a VR simulator setup would help? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immersion_therapy
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The basic question - why force anyone to fly if they're not interested or fearful? I'm not fond of climbing on ladders over 4 ft, but that's no reason for me to undergo any type of therapy. I don't like cats, either (but will show interest with my friends cats) but there's no reason for me to go thru any type of therapy.

Not everyone is enamored of small airplanes, regardless if they fly commercial or not. Same for sailboats. Or Powered boats. Or motorcycles. Or shooting. Or bicycles. Or any other hobby around.
 
NordicDave said:
My view...
Some pilots "over maneuver" with passengers. It startles them. Fly like an airliner with overly gentle maneuvers which requires staying WAY ahead of the plane. We have an obligation to build confidence. Easy to forget showing off how cool we are, triggers many passengers "spidey" senses triggering anxiety at different levels. What many pilots think are normal, routine, or common; scares the wits out of non-pilot passengers. Most of the public would be terrified in a slow turning 45 degree bank when something much less & shallow could be planned for and executed.

Too many pilots are too eager to show-off their skill, when the skill that is respected most is just a boring steady hand.
Click to expand...
I've always believed that the most successful flight with a friend is when they get out of the airplane and remark how boring it was.
 
murphey said:
The basic question - why force anyone to fly if they're not interested or fearful?
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I have this wonderful travelling airplane that I use for $200 (or is it $300 these days?) hamburger runs instead of travelling. Sadly, I get to use the car for those really long trips.
 
murphey said:
The basic question - why force anyone to fly if they're not interested or fearful? I'm not fond of climbing on ladders over 4 ft, but that's no reason for me to undergo any type of therapy. I don't like cats, either (but will show interest with my friends cats) but there's no reason for me to go thru any type of therapy.

Not everyone is enamored of small airplanes, regardless if they fly commercial or not. Same for sailboats. Or Powered boats. Or motorcycles. Or shooting. Or bicycles. Or any other hobby around.
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I did have a similar thought while I was mowing after I posted. Therapy would assume that they are interested in trying to resolve the issue.
 
murphey said:
I've always believed that the most successful flight with a friend is when they get out of the airplane and remark how boring it was.
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We think alike! There i enough thrill in the view alone. I share my first time experience with net new passengers by sharing:

"You will be seeing a cockpit view for the first time and getting a pilot's perspective. It can appear sensory overwhelming at first as the perspective is so new, if prior experience is sitting in a commercial jet in coach at 250 MPH on climb-out them 500 MPH cruising. We will climb at 90 MPH an cruise about 150MPH."

I found setting expectations helpful.
 
My late wife’s identical twin worked for the NTSB in a non aviation capacity. All she saw were the wrecks. She talked her twin sister (my wife) into promising that she would never fly in a GA plane. My poor wife was caught in the middle and I never pushed her about it. After my wife’s unexpected death, her twin asked if she had ever flown with me. My secret thoughts were, “ no, thanks to you she never did.”
 
My wife will not even look at my C172.
My 50+ year old daughter on the other hand is ready to go soon as I get licensed .
We stopped up at airport to show daughter the 172 , wife wouldn't even turn her head to peek. We had parked in front of hanger with doors open so daughter could inspect aircraft , opened doors , asked questions , all in favor of her old dad flying off into the "wild blue younder".
I will be 80 in October and this is a life time goal to own and fly .
Gonna getter done. :)
 
After reading this thread, I just went and hugged my wife and told her how much I appreciate her. She loves to fly with me. Many weekends she’s asking where we gonna go. Heck, her severance payment from a lost job paid for most of our plane; her idea. We’ve done VFR flights, hard IFR in the clouds for hours, between the layers IFR diverting around thunderstorms (50 miles away at least) with lightning off in the distance, shot approaches to minimums, and done $100 burger runs. Lots of flights up and down the West coast, Arizona, Canada, etc.

She loved the flight we did in a rented Lake Amphibian, and I have even taken her up a couple of times in an open cockpit Great Lakes biplane. After the first flight in that, she was saying how she wanted to bring the camera next time. The second flight we did some mild wingovers, and she enjoyed them; said it made it easier to get pictures looking straight down.

I’m sorry for you whose spouses don’t like to fly. For the unmarried among you, keep it in mind when choosing a spouse!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 
NordicDave said:
My view...
Some pilots "over maneuver" with passengers. It startles them. Fly like an airliner with overly gentle maneuvers which requires staying WAY ahead of the plane. We have an obligation to build confidence. Easy to forget showing off how cool we are, triggers many passengers "spidey" senses triggering anxiety at different levels. What many pilots think are normal, routine, or common; scares the wits out of non-pilot passengers. Most of the public would be terrified in a slow turning 45 degree bank when something much less & shallow could be planned for and executed.

Too many pilots are too eager to show-off their skill, when the skill that is respected most is just a boring steady hand.
Click to expand...

I had a friend that took someone up flying for the first time and did all kinds of maneuvers and he was super proud of how much he scared them. I almost kicked his ass, and proceeded to tell him how they'd probably never get in an airplane with him again, and will tell their friends how scary little GA airplanes are. He just didn't get it.
 
Groundpounder said:
I had a friend that took someone up flying for the first time and did all kinds of maneuvers and he was super proud of how much he scared them. I almost kicked his ass, and proceeded to tell him how they'd probably never get in an airplane with him again, and will tell their friends how scary little GA airplanes are. He just didn't get it.
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Absolutely spot on. The goal is to share the love of flight not to somehow show that we are top gun aces. Calm days, explain what’s going on, gentle banked turns, keep it coordinated. End the flight sooner rather than later.

Even when I take someone up for their first acrobatic flight, I’ll brief all the planned manuvers on the ground first, do only one manuver at a time with plenty of staight and level between each, start with gentle, postitive-g, low-g stuff like aileron rolls, then a few steep turns for the higher g experience and finish off with a loop or two. Much better to end the flight with them wanting more than to have them wishing it had ended well before it did.

I do lots of Young Eagles flights and some Angel flights as well. Lot of these folk have never been in a small plane before. Make em comfortable, and they’ll want to come back. Scare them, and you may have made a life-long enemy of GA.

Of course every rule has an exception. There was the flight of three 10-12 year old girls on their first Young Eagles flight. First time in a small plane for all of them. “Can we pull some g? How about weightless, can we do that too? “ I took em at their word and did a few steep turns and a few wingovers. Would not be at all surprised if all three of those girls end up being pilots some day. The 12 year old in the right seat did an outstanding job when I let her handle the controls, and the two in back were oohing and ahhing the whole time. Plenty of coaching from the back seat as well. Lots of intelligent questions and a very nice “Thank you” after the flight. Jabbering to their parents after we landed about pulling G’s and weightless. The parents’ response? “Aren’t you lucky you got a pilot who could show you that”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 
Half Fast said:
At least my wife flies with me. She still closes her eyes, apparently in prayer, on short final but the sobbing has stopped. Mostly.
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Well, she is doing better than most of your passengers then?

FWIW, my wife took a flight me with once and declared she didn't like the plane and the bouncing around. It was a clear, calm day, but I'm sure to her every tiny thing was amplified. She doesn't much care for flying commercial either, but she gets over it in order to go places.
 
Lemme just say....I've given up with the lil lady. She's fairly stubborn and not open to much once she has her mind made up. I've tried the aviation safety schpeal. I'm an aviation safety guy for the gummint and thought I could work my magic....to no avail. Then there was the AOPA pinch hitter clinic with all the wives....nope not interested. And then there were the King DVD's and other inspirational videos....nope. So, that's kinda where we ended with the aviation wife campaign.

I did however convince her with safety stats and all my razzmatazz and got her on a Airbus 320, Spirit, to Florida, to visit the folks in Palm Coast. That went well and was smooth as glass.....then on the trip back we had a few bumps and it was a lousy flight for her.

I'm considering poison darts and alcohol.....but she doesn't drink, so there is that too. :D

She did pick out my new paint job on the Bonanza.....so she ain't all that bad.
 
Wow.. this makes me feel very lucky. While I don't mind flying alone and having it be "my hobby" I think this would be close to a deal breaker with me. Flying (even something slow) generally saves a lot of time over driving and (usually) flying commercial. Plus you can't beat the view and freedom from 10K. Having to drive 7 hrs (or more!) for a ski weekend absolutely sucks.

I don't have real advice, sorry. But what I can say is.. don't force her or let it lead to resentment, etc. If it's important to you that she comes with you sometimes then work out a compromise and help ease her into it.. otherwise let it go. Plan your flights and trips around each other's "self time"

The type of plane can also help too.. some things just "feel" bigger or more comfortable. A Citabria is going to be a much different flying experience than a 182, and both of those will be a lot different from a 310.. for example.

*for any single people reading this - this is a precedent to establish up front, IE, one of your first few dates should be a flight. If being in a relationship with you "comes with a plane" this is an important thing to lay the groundwork for up front. Like having a dog/pet. If she hates cats or dogs and you have had them growing up then that's going to be an issue.. etc.
 
Checkout_my_Six said:
Lemme just say....I've given up with the lil lady. She's fairly stubborn and not open to much once she has her mind made up. I've tried the aviation safety schpeal. I'm an aviation safety guy for the gummint and thought I could work my magic....to no avail. Then there was the AOPA pinch hitter clinic with all the wives....nope not interested. And then there were the King DVD's and other inspirational videos....nope. So, that's kinda where we ended with the aviation wife campaign.

I did however convince her with safety stats and all my razzmatazz and got her on a Airbus 320, Spirit, to Florida, to visit the folks in Palm Coast. That went well and was smooth as glass.....then on the trip back we had a few bumps and it was a lousy flight for her.

I'm considering poison darts and alcohol.....but she doesn't drink, so there is that too. :D

She did pick out my new paint job on the Bonanza.....so she ain't all that bad.
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You are taking the wrong approach by trying to apply reason to an issue which is based on emotion and irrational fear. Wrong tool for the job, like trying to turn a screw with a hammer. You need to address an emotional problem by triggering a different, and overpowering, emotion.

Try this.

Draft up an ad for the local paper and ask your wife to "proofread" it and check the spelling for you before you submit it. Hand her your draft. It should say something like this:

"Affluent and attractive male pilot and airplane owner seeks female traveling companion for weekend trips, adventure. All expenses paid."​

One of two things will happen: 1) she'll become willing to fly with you, or 2) your plane will soon be up for sale cheap. Either way your problem is solved.

If the 2nd outcome happens, PM me - I'm plane shopping.
 
Tantalum said:
*for any single people reading this - this is a precedent to establish up front, IE, one of your first few dates should be a flight. If being in a relationship with you "comes with a plane" this is an important thing to lay the groundwork for up front. Like having a dog/pet. If she hates cats or dogs and you have had them growing up then that's going to be an issue.. etc.
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BEWARE. Before the wedding, she will share your interests. Afterward, all bets are off.

Before I married her, my wife wanted to go scuba diving with me. I paid for her lessons and bought her the gear and we went a few times. Then I married her. In the 27 years we've been married, she's gone diving with me twice, and the last time was 26 years ago.
 
Half Fast said:
BEWARE. Before the wedding, she will share your interests. Afterward, all bets are off.

Before I married her, my wife wanted to go scuba diving with me. I paid for her lessons and bought her the gear and we went a few times. Then I married her. In the 27 years we've been married, she's gone diving with me twice, and the last time was 26 years ago.
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Oh damn!!
 
Half Fast said:
BEWARE. Before the wedding, she will share your interests. Afterward, all bets are off.

Before I married her, my wife wanted to go scuba diving with me. I paid for her lessons and bought her the gear and we went a few times. Then I married her. In the 27 years we've been married, she's gone diving with me twice, and the last time was 26 years ago.
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Very typical.
 
Lindberg said:
I have no advice. My wife doesn't like to fly. Even less in small planes. She's flown once with an instructor friend of ours, and says she'd be willing to again. But as of now she's adamant she will not fly with me because she's convinced of we were both in the same small plane, we'd orphan our kids. I've flown both kids and plenty of friends who trust me enough to just hop in the plane. I've resigned myself to maybe never taking up my wife.
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FWIW, my wife and I had the same rule. My wife is good flying but No flying just Her and me until the daughter was legally an adult. I wasn’t an issue as we always went as a family of three.
 
Ya but.....All this happened years ago with my Six. Now I've down sized since then......to something a bit faster and smaller and sportier...the Bonanza. I don't mind leaving her behind......:D
Half Fast said:
You are taking the wrong approach by trying to apply reason to an issue which is based on emotion and irrational fear. Wrong tool for the job, like trying to turn a screw with a hammer. You need to address an emotional problem by triggering a different, and overpowering, emotion.

Try this.

Draft up an ad for the local paper and ask your wife to "proofread" it and check the spelling for you before you submit it. Hand her your draft. It should say something like this:

"Affluent and attractive male pilot and airplane owner seeks female traveling companion for weekend trips, adventure. All expenses paid."​

One of two things will happen: 1) she'll become willing to fly with you, or 2) your plane will soon be up for sale cheap. Either way your problem is solved.

If the 2nd outcome happens, PM me - I'm plane shopping.
Click to expand...
 
Checkout_my_Six said:
Ya but.....All this happened years ago with my Six. Now I've down sized since then......to something a bit faster and smaller and sportier...the Bonanza. I don't mind leaving her behind......:D
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The "fastest crabs in the East" aren't afraid of flying?
 

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Told my CFI with over 25,000 hours , "all I want is to be is safe and proficient,
I can do the dumb stuff later".
Think , "Second Hand Lion" ;)
 
Here ya go. Trent Palmer could have started this thread:

 
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