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Snorting his way across the USA
In response to @Clark1961 's call for a pirep on this burger, here it is.
It was January of 1941 when the thin, wispy bearded Vietnamese man woke up to the rays of dawn, wondering what he might do with his day. An ordinary thin, wispy bearded Vietnamese man might to down to the street café to enjoy a glass of iced, French drip coffee and a croissant as the workers rallied to the imperialist factories under the control of the Japanese invading forces. But no, Ho Chi Minh did not enjoy a glass of iced, French drip coffee and a croissant. Actually, he hated the French. The Japanese too. Probably the Japanese more than the French. He spoke French. He lived in France. Go figure. So, instead, he, with his two top Lieutenants, rallied that morning with Vietnamese loyalists and formed the Viet Minh, the League for the Independence of Vietnam, tasked with liberating Vietnam from both the Japanese and the French. He had practice organizing communist opposition parties since 1925, so he was fairly good at that sort of thing. He had two lifelong goals – to liberate Vietnam from French colonial rule, and the unification of North and South Vietnam. If only he knew that, as we speak, there is a Carl's Jr. smack in the middle of District 7 of Saigon.
Yeah I get it, it's a Burger King. The Carl's is around the corner. I just don't happen to have a photo of it.
As I was awoken by the rays of dawn on the warm morning of July 16, 2017, I as well wondered what I might do with my day. Although a glass of iced, French drip coffee sounds enticing, the Imperialist chain coffee store that exploits its workers and customers was more expedient, and plus I don’t eat croissants although I might cave in for an apple fritter or an apple filled Danish. But no, that was not to be my destiny.
There are some people that might claim that the United States is under the colonial rule of the Mexican government. They cite evidence all around. Taco Bell. A huge, major chain that could be equated with the regular North Vietnamese Army forces. And then the independents, like Ortega’s Taqueria, which had been associated with the likes of the Viet Cong. But I think that’s crazy talk. I never did believe it. Where am I going with this you say. Be patient. This is not a political discourse, but rather a necessary segway in to the review of a burger.
But let’s say… let’s say that was true, and I woke up to organize a revolution to overthrow colonial Mexican rule of the United States, not that I would, but let’s say I did, do you know….
…the Carl’s Jr. Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger may never had been born. It may have never been born. Yeah. No – my mission, after enjoying a double shot of Starbucks and spying delectable treats on the row of treadmills was to rate a burger. That’s right. A Carl’s Jr. Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger.
All right. Now, the day was already off to a bad start. First of all, it’s 100 degrees outside and plus I need to make a big detour to get twenty miles of riding in on this burger mission. But, regardless of environmental barriers, crazy cagers, and new construction involving huge, enormous tract houses soon to be owned by capitalist imperialist pigs, I make it to the Carl’s Jr.
Me: “I would like to try that Jalapeno Double Burger. And a regular drink.”
Her: “Okay.”
Me: “You got that is a double, right?”
Her: “Yes.”
I could tell she wasn’t lying, but something seemed amiss. It was a fairly good deal. Fairly good deals are often too good to be true. I filled up my drink with iced tea, and then the carafe started leaking madly at the spigot. I had a bad feeling this would be my last iced tea.
Now, here’s the thing about jalapeno cheese burgers that never made sense to me. Carl’s has free jalapenos. You can buy a regular cheeseburger and put jalapenos on it. For free. Now although I said it’s a good deal, I meant it was a good deal relative to the other premium cheeseburgers. You are paying a premium for those otherwise free jalapenos. The world is chock full of examples of paying for stuff that is free around you. Like those people that will buy bottled water when there is an entire ocean they can drink out of. For free. Or those guys that pay for sex when literally there are three women standing next to them in the elevator.
What is the catch?
The weight and heft of the burger was agonizingly, terribly small. I opened the package and peeled off the lettuce. Those burgers were freakin’ tiny. Look at the size of those jalapenos. You know the size of jalapenos. Jalapenos aren’t that big. The burger patties were not much bigger than the jalapenos. I ordered one. I needed two. I felt awkward approaching Order Girl and ordering another one like she would look at me like “One isn’t enough for you, piggy?” So I let it go. But she also took the leaking iced tea away. I want another iced tea. I need another iced tea. But it really was small. The Bacon Western Cheeseburger? The STANDARD patties in those are TWICE the size of this ridiculous thing.
The taste was… fine. You do get some pepper jack that you don’t get in the standard extra small infant size cheeseburger plus the spicy goo sauce. Would I get it again? I might. I might. But I would get two of them for lunch, and a dinner venue is like three or four. As opposed to one Double Western Bacon for lunch and two for dinner.
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