Opinions are like...

[Cajun_Flyer]

...well, you know the rest.

The following comments have trickled in over the last week or so on the heels of one of my coworkers (an ex-ATCer) proudly announcing at our agency's Christmas party that I was about to do my first solo...

"But you're a mom of two kids!"

"Be careful... I mean, you have two kids to think of."

"I guess I'll be the first responder when you do your first solo."
(a comment made by a public safety official when I told him I would be doing it in his town)

"Ugh, you make me nervous. I could never do that. Please don't die."

"I better not see you on the evening news!"

"Where are you learning out of?" >tells him< "Oh, I've got buddies at the fire station there. Guess I'll know from them when you solo! haha!"

"You flew... by yourself?! Oh my. Don't you have kids? What does your husband think?"


As for what my husband thinks about all of this, well... he is the LEAST supportive person I have on it. Sucks, right? When I told him I finally reached my solo milestone, he didn't speak to me for a day and then blew up on me the next day. Sent me a dozen or so sensationalist news articles about plane crashes. He's known I've been taking lessons for months now, but we just don't talk about it due to his disapproval. I never should have made the mistake of wanting to share my good news about the solo with him.

So, I guess I'm just wondering... am I getting these kind of comments for the simple fact that I have the audacity to also be a woman and, GASP... a mother? Or do men get these kind of responses as well? It's both men and women saying these things to me. The women are the ones making all the comments about my kids, while the men are mostly making comments about me dying.

I'm at the point where I just don't want to talk about it with anyone anymore. The most dangerous thing for me in the sky right now are all of their voices telling me I can't do it, or that I'm going to die, or that I'm going to leave my kids motherless. Their voices are the only real hazard to me.

Or maybe they are right. Is it terribly selfish of me to learn how to fly while I have children? Lay it on me, if so. I've dreamt about this for 20+ years and don't want to wait another 20 to follow my passion, but maybe that's just what I have to do.

But this is about how I feel right now -

 

[EdFred]

In the words of one known as The Bandit, ask them "Do the letters FO mean anything to you?"

Granted maybe not the best question to ask the husband, but I have to wonder who in your household actually has balls. Though, I think I know the answer to that question.

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

By the way, I did solo and it was AWESOME!

 

[MAKG1]

Dang, that sucks hard.

I can't say I've experienced anything like that, but I keep finding out there are closet pilots everywhere I look. Heck, one of the actors I was working with last year turned out to be a retired airport manager for SJC!

I suspect it might have more to do with where you hang out than your gender, though it seems clear both are at play.

Most people do fine with one ***hole. I think you have several.

 

[Everskyward]

I have gotten the occasional, "doesn't that scare you?" comment, but I can't recall anyone being seriously concerned about my safety. That said, I have never had children.

 

[red4golf]

I have kids as do most people on this board. Ask those with kids at your work if they swim, ride motorcycles, scuba dive, etc and give them grief in return.

I have received similar comments about flying and crashing as you have but I do so many other things that many consider dangerous that most of my friends and family shrug it off.

The husband issue is the tough one. I'm sorry that he isn't in to it. I know that I'd jump for joy if my wife was taking lessons.... except for the cash going to her flying and not mine.

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk

 

[EdFred]

I have kids as do most people on this board. Ask those with kids at your work if they swim, ride motorcycles, scuba dive, etc and give them grief in return.

I have received similar comments about flying and crashing as you have but I do so many other things that many consider dangerous that most of my friends and family shrug it off.

The husband issue is the tough one. I'm sorry that he isn't in to it. I know that I'd jump for joy if my wife was taking lessons.... except for the cash going to her flying and not mine.

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk

What's the saying I've heard around here? "My first wife didn't like flying, so I got one that did."

 

[coma24]

The only mainstream press about GA is negative, so it's not a surprise that people outside of the industry have a negative view about it. I rarely bring up my aviation hobby with people, and when I do, it's usually to talk about the amazing utility that it affords. When they hear that I can get from NJ to Boston in an hour, they never ask, "why would you want to do that?" because the utility is so obvious. It usually then becomes a discussion about how easy it is to get from A to B, how many airports there are, etc.

Safety usually comes up at some point, but when people learn that the vast majority of issues are the result of pilot error and that I work hard to learn the most common causes of accidents and then actively train to avoid making those mistakes, they have a better understanding that most of the risk can be mitigated with education and training.

Regarding your husband, I'm truly sorry to hear that. I have no idea what your relationship is like with him outside of the aviation issue, but he needs to know that this is incredibly important to you and while he doesn't have to be excited about it himself, he should trust you in your decision to move forward with it and be a bit more supportive. Perhaps you could educate him on the risks of flying as well. If he's sending you sensationalist articles about plane crashes, my guess is he doesn't really understand them very well himself.

Perhaps you could help him understand that you're aware of the risk factors and that you do your best to mitigate them. That you've thought it through and have done all you reasonably can do should be enough for him to get past those fears (assuming that's the root cause, rather than financial concerns, time, or jealousy) and allow him to be supportive of what you're doing.

Other than that...CONGRATULATIONS on your first solo coming up. WE'RE excited for you! Let's hear about it! Stories...pics!

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

To be fair, I work in emergency management, so the crew here are all "plan for the worst, hope for the best" kind of people. Pessimism is pretty much a job requirement! But the comments about me doing this while having kids really ticks me off. It implies that I value flying over my children, or that I'm being selfish and irresponsible. Unlike them, I've done my research on flying and safety. I know the risks and the realities of them.

As for the spouse... I've tried everything. I've approached as rationally and respectfully as I can, I've listened and addressed all of his concerns, but he doesn't budge. Not a bit. It's my earned money funding it (and most of our bills), so thankfully he can't pull the money card to get me to stop or I bet he would.

 

[genna]

...well, you know the rest.

The following comments have trickled in over the last week or so on the heels of one of my coworkers (an ex-ATCer) proudly announcing at our agency's Christmas party that I was about to do my first solo...

"But you're a mom of two kids!"

"Be careful... I mean, you have two kids to think of."

"I guess I'll be the first responder when you do your first solo."
(a comment made by a public safety official when I told him I would be doing it in his town)

"Ugh, you make me nervous. I could never do that. Please don't die."

"I better not see you on the evening news!"

"Where are you learning out of?" >tells him< "Oh, I've got buddies at the fire station there. Guess I'll know from them when you solo! haha!"

"You flew... by yourself?! Oh my. Don't you have kids? What does your husband think?"


As for what my husband thinks about all of this, well... he is the LEAST supportive person I have on it. Sucks, right? When I told him I finally reached my solo milestone, he didn't speak to me for a day and then blew up on me the next day. Sent me a dozen or so sensationalist news articles about plane crashes. He's known I've been taking lessons for months now, but we just don't talk about it due to his disapproval. I never should have made the mistake of wanting to share my good news about the solo with him.

So, I guess I'm just wondering... am I getting these kind of comments for the simple fact that I have the audacity to also be a woman and, GASP... a mother? Or do men get these kind of responses as well? It's both men and women saying these things to me. The women are the ones making all the comments about my kids, while the men are mostly making comments about me dying.

I'm at the point where I just don't want to talk about it with anyone anymore. The most dangerous thing for me in the sky right now are all of their voices telling me I can't do it, or that I'm going to die, or that I'm going to leave my kids motherless. Their voices are the only real hazard to me.

Or maybe they are right. Is it terribly selfish of me to learn how to fly while I have children? Lay it on me, if so. I've dreamt about this for 20+ years and don't want to wait another 20 to follow my passion, but maybe that's just what I have to do.

But this is about how I feel right now -

This is pretty universal in my experience.

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

I keep finding out there are closet pilots everywhere I look. Heck, one of the actors I was working with last year turned out to be a retired airport manager for SJC!

Now I have had this happen too! On the flip side of all of these negative comments are the people coming up to me telling me about how they used to take lessons, or how they have always wanted to take lessons. One guy even gave me an old pair of his DCs... in near perfect condition!

 

[rachelk.tailwinds]

I think it's mostly ignorance talking for those people. Don't they know more people die at the hooves of donkeys than in airplanes?? I am sure your being a mother contributes even more to their arguments against flying. Average people expect mothers to have a certain sense of self preservation that I think is often irrational. Flying isn't dangerous. (There are dangers, yes, but you have been trained on how to identify and handle them). You have a MUCH better chance of dying on your drive to the airport than dying in flying.

Congrats on the solo! You've now proven to yourself that you are a safe, competent pilot so the facts should outweigh the opinions from here on out.

 

[steingar]

As for the spouse... I've tried everything. I've approached as rationally and respectfully as I can, I've listened and addressed all of his concerns, but he doesn't budge. Not a bit. It's my earned money funding it (and most of our bills), so thankfully he can't pull the money card to get me to stop or I bet he would.

First, congrats on your solo. An utterly self actuating moment that you won't forget any time soon.

One of the problems with relationships is people change over time. You yourself are now intent on learning to fly, something you weren't doing when you got married. I do know people who's spouses do not participate at all in the aviation activity. It doesn't always lead to dissolution, though it can.

I hope you are able to work out these issues in some satisfactory manner. As far as people using your offspring as some sort of justification of their own anti-aviation leanings, I can think of few words to respond that do not consist of four letters.

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

CONGRATULATIONS on your first solo coming up. WE'RE excited for you! Let's hear about it! Stories...pics!

I soloed two days before Christmas and it was amazing!! Ok, so my landings were definitely not my best and I did have to do a go-around when I came in too high once, BUT I had a blast Traffic was pretty thick that day... had to do a couple 360s and extend my downwind once or twice, but nothing I'm not used to. It's one of the busiest airports for traffic in New England.

Because it wasn't my most graceful flight, I decided to go up and solo again the day after Christmas just to prove I could do it better than I did the first time. I nailed every landing beautifully! My CFI would have been proud.

 

[Zeldman]

I hate stupid men that think their wife is their property.

Is your husband that insecure in his manhood that he thinks he has to control your every moment?

If he can't support you then he can learn to take care of himself....

And congratulations for soloing.... you go girl and keep on flying..!!!

 

[coma24]

Excellent, glad to hear it. Going around is a lot better than trying to force it down, as you know. If you are used to dealing with a busy traffic pattern then you'll be well positioned to handle just about any field you fly to in the future.

I love that you came back and did it again the next day.

Enjoy the solo privs and the transition to cross country work!

 

[timwinters]

Congrats on the solo!

Unfortunately, I don't have any advice on how to deal with those people besides ignore them.

And I wouldn't be surprised if some of our more misogynistic members here come along shortly to agree with them.

I hope not but...

Stay tuned!

 

[Everskyward]

I hate stupid men people that think their wife spouse is their property.

I agree with some others that the spouse situation is the real problem. From what the OP wrote, it's not just a situation where he does not want to participate himself, which is common. He doesn't seem as if he wants her doing it at all.

 

[frfly172]

To be fair, I work in emergency management, so the crew here are all "plan for the worst, hope for the best" kind of people. Pessimism is pretty much a job requirement! But the comments about me doing this while having kids really ticks me off. It implies that I value flying over my children, or that I'm being selfish and irresponsible. Unlike them, I've done my research on flying and safety. I know the risks and the realities of them.

As for the spouse... I've tried everything. I've approached as rationally and respectfully as I can, I've listened and addressed all of his concerns, but he doesn't budge. Not a bit. It's my earned money funding it (and most of our bills), so thankfully he can't pull the money card to get me to stop or I bet he would.

Congrats on your solo flight,how long have you worked at the " Bunker " ?

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

One of the problems with relationships is people change over time. You yourself are now intent on learning to fly, something you weren't doing when you got married. I do know people who's spouses do not participate at all in the aviation activity. It doesn't always lead to dissolution, though it can.

I hope you are able to work out these issues in some satisfactory manner. As far as people using your offspring as some sort of justification of their own anti-aviation leanings, I can think of few words to respond that do not consist of four letters.

Thank you for your response. It's true that have changed, but my intent on flying has been known to him since long before we ever even got together. I've always been obsessed with aviation. On our honeymoon, I closed my eyes on the takeoff and pretended I was the one piloting the plane. He thought I was a weirdo and, back then, it was "cute." Guess it's not so cute now that I've gotten more serious about it.

The thing is, since we've been together, I've been forced to face my mortality when I bled out and stopped breathing on an operating table. Yes, that changes a person. I don't want to wait until I'm old to follow my passion because what if I don't make it til when I'm old? I want to live now and, sure, I guess that's selfish. But I'm not budging on it. I think that part bothers him the most.

As for what happens now with our marriage... that one's up in the air, but, sadly, on a different flight path than my little Warrior. We'll see what time brings.

 

[PPC1052]

"But you're a mom of two kids!"

Not an opinion. This is a fact. (I presume it's a true statement.)

So, I guess I'm just wondering... am I getting these kind of comments for the simple fact that I have the audacity to also be a woman and, GASP... a mother?

As someone who is not prone to looking for sexism everywhere, I have to say resoundingly, YES. You are hearing this more than I would expect any man would, and yes, it's a double standard because of your sex.

Also, I'm sorry that your husband is not more understanding and supportive of your interests. I am very thankful that my wife is understanding of mine.

 

[Timbeck2]

Don't let those comments get you down. The vast majority of people I know knee jerk those type of responses and are not to be taken personally. Try to put a positive spin on them and just realize that they are just concerned about your safety.

As for your husband...you'd be the better judge of his attitude. Is he concerned about losing you or resentful about your hobby and has some self-esteem issue? Maybe he doesn't like being left at home with the kids; maybe its money issues. Like I said, you'd be a better judge of that. My advice is to just simply talk to him and ask him honestly what his real problem with you flying is.

My wife initially has told me that although she supports my dream she will not fly with me. She still hasn't as of yet but has surprised me on at least two occasions by saying things such as, "maybe we can fly to Phoenix instead of driving" or "we should fly to (insert point here) sometime next summer." She'll come around. In her defense though, she doesn't like flying period, GA or commercial. Some people are just like that.

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

Congrats on your solo flight,how long have you worked at the " Bunker " ?

My first day was on the first blizzard of last year... got thrown right into a 6 week "activation" while 9+ feet of snow got dumped on the region! I love it here, though. It's definitely never boring... especially during Boston Marathon season.

A little hard not seeing sunlight during the day, but I make that up when I go fly

 

[PPC1052]

By the way, I did solo and it was AWESOME!

Good for you!!

 

[Zeldman]

Sounds like you need a support group.

We are here and we can listen.

And just as excited as you are about flying..!!

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

I agree with some others that the spouse situation is the real problem. From what the OP wrote, it's not just a situation where he does not want to participate himself, which is common. He doesn't seem as if he wants her doing it at all.

This is exactly right. There is absollutely no reasoning with him on it. My CFI invited us to a Christmas party and I thought maybe if I brought him, he'd feel like he wasn't being excluded from that part of my life, could maybe have some of his concerns calmed by other pilots or maybe do some bonding with other reluctant spouses. Unfortunately, he just ended up clinging to the one other spouse there who is 100% against her husband flying. She actually threw out the "but you have two kids!!" comment.

So, my plan backfired.

 

[wilkersk]

To paraphrase something in a book I'm reading, "people are terrible at assessing risk!" You fly an airplane, your friends are on you case about how dangerous it is. Then, they go out and drive their cars too fast with their cellphones glued to their ear. Go figure!

 

[brian]]

Tough stuff. And congrats..

My wife was supportive of getting my license. Even took a ride the day after I passed the check ride. So far so good. . . . .

Started getting interested in buying an airplane. She caught me watching an AOPA webinar about buying an airplane. She TOTALLY came unglued. Would have though she caught me on top of another woman! I hung up the idea for a long time...

That stuff builds.

Then you realize you are getting older and at some point you have to be YOU - whatever that means. In my case, it was an old airplane.

Tough times, but your partner has to accept you as YOU. All I can say is you are in good company. Just be open and leave him options to come back into your life - that's all one can ask of another.

We are still together - maybe a little stronger than before. I have the airplane and she buys all the shoes she wants without me asking "how much"....

Good luck.

 

[NoHeat]

Congrats on the solo!

It's too bad that so many people are unsupportive. I commend you for overcoming that.

One thing that could help give you a response to those who ask about dependents is to make sure your life insurance covers accidents when you are the pilot, and mention that. There are insurance agencies that are good at policies that cover aviation, including Travers and Pilot Insurance Center.

 

[Timbeck2]

...Started getting interested in buying an airplane. She caught me watching an AOPA webinar about buying an airplane. She TOTALLY came unglued. Would have though she caught me on top of another woman! I hung up the idea for a long time...

I guess I was lucky. I bought my plane to train in BECAUSE of the money the flight school wanted per hour. It was cheaper to train in my own plane. People meaning co-workers and friends, also get hung up on the stigma of owning an airplane. I had a former boss who told me that I was a "baller" because I owned an airplane. I asked him how much he paid for his Escalade. He told me it was 54k. I told him my plane cost 31k. He shut up after that.

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

Sounds like you need a support group.

We are here and we can listen.

And just as excited as you are about flying..!!

Thankfully I do have a few really great coworkers who support me on this. And my mother, who you would think would be the most reluctant, totally has my back. Heck, even my grandmother gave me words of encouragement! So, I'm not completely isolated. But it is hard going home and having to pretend this entire side of my life doesn't exist. He "found" my logbook one day and threw a huge fit about how often I was going up. So, now I keep my logbook at work. I feel like I'm having an affair, only my lover is an airplane.

I threw this bone at him - which is more deadly, flying an airplane or being overweight 40-something man with high blood pressure and cholesterol issues who drinks more often than he probably should and whose family has a genetic history of heart failure? I was basically trying to call out his hypocrisy. Can guess how well that went :/

 

[ScottK]

...well, you know the rest.

The following comments have trickled in over the last week or so on the heels of one of my coworkers (an ex-ATCer) proudly announcing at our agency's Christmas party that I was about to do my first solo...

"But you're a mom of two kids!"

"Be careful... I mean, you have two kids to think of."

"I guess I'll be the first responder when you do your first solo."
(a comment made by a public safety official when I told him I would be doing it in his town)

"Ugh, you make me nervous. I could never do that. Please don't die."

"I better not see you on the evening news!"

"Where are you learning out of?" >tells him< "Oh, I've got buddies at the fire station there. Guess I'll know from them when you solo! haha!"

"You flew... by yourself?! Oh my. Don't you have kids? What does your husband think?"


As for what my husband thinks about all of this, well... he is the LEAST supportive person I have on it. Sucks, right? When I told him I finally reached my solo milestone, he didn't speak to me for a day and then blew up on me the next day. Sent me a dozen or so sensationalist news articles about plane crashes. He's known I've been taking lessons for months now, but we just don't talk about it due to his disapproval. I never should have made the mistake of wanting to share my good news about the solo with him.

So, I guess I'm just wondering... am I getting these kind of comments for the simple fact that I have the audacity to also be a woman and, GASP... a mother? Or do men get these kind of responses as well? It's both men and women saying these things to me. The women are the ones making all the comments about my kids, while the men are mostly making comments about me dying.

I'm at the point where I just don't want to talk about it with anyone anymore. The most dangerous thing for me in the sky right now are all of their voices telling me I can't do it, or that I'm going to die, or that I'm going to leave my kids motherless. Their voices are the only real hazard to me.

Or maybe they are right. Is it terribly selfish of me to learn how to fly while I have children? Lay it on me, if so. I've dreamt about this for 20+ years and don't want to wait another 20 to follow my passion, but maybe that's just what I have to do.

But this is about how I feel right now -

My experience with regards to comments has mostly been one of the following:

1. That's so cool! Wish I could do that!
2. You're f'in nuts! Why would anybody want to do that?

Sadly, I think the comment about the kids is strictly about you being a woman. It sucks and it's incredibly unfair. In my 4 years as a pilot, not once has somebody mentioned my kid with regards to flying. My thought on this is that someday (not sure how old your kids are), you'll be able to explain to them that you had the dream of flying, you worked hard at it and accomplished your goal. This will be a great example for your kids when you talk to them about chasing their dreams. I say go for it!!

As for the husband, I can't help you there. I'm not sure if it's a control issue or maybe he is genuinely terrified for you. Hard to call from here. My wife doesn't particularly care for flying in small planes, but she saw how much it meant to me and was behind me 100%. I'm extremely lucky in that regard.

Anyway, congrats on the solo and let us know when you pass your checkride.

Good luck!!

 

[MickYoumans]

First of all congrats on your solo!!! Good for you. You have to keep in mind that such a small portion of our population are pilots and the sensationalist media has scared much of the rest with their blown out of proportion reporting. About 100 people die each day in fatal car accidents in the US. You would have to crash two Boeing 777's each week to match that pace. For whatever reason, a small plane can crash anywhere in the country and it makes big news whereas a fatal car wreck only makes the local news. When I read NTSB reports, most accidents occur due to flying in bad weather, running out of fuel or the airplane being overweight for the density altitude. With proper flight planning I can negate all three of those. While there is still some risk in flying, just like driving, flying is relatively safe IF you obey the rules, do a good job flight planning and use conservative decision making. I have been flying since 1982. I have noticed that people either love flying or they are apprehensive about it. For those, I just take their comments with a grain of salt and enjoy my flying regardless of what they think...even if they are related to me. I hope you will be able to continue with your flying lessons and have many more years of fun flying ahead of you. I absolutely love it and apparently you do to. Hang in there!!!

 

[ScottK]

I had a former boss who told me that I was a "baller" because I owned an airplane. I asked him how much he paid for his Escalade. He told me it was 54k. I told him my plane cost 31k. He shut up after that.

That's funny!

 

[Everskyward]

This is exactly right. There is absollutely no reasoning with him on it. My CFI invited us to a Christmas party and I thought maybe if I brought him, he'd feel like he wasn't being excluded from that part of my life, could maybe have some of his concerns calmed by other pilots or maybe do some bonding with other reluctant spouses. Unfortunately, he just ended up clinging to the one other spouse there who is 100% against her husband flying. She actually threw out the "but you have two kids!!" comment.

So, my plan backfired.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you. The only thing that I can say is that that is one thing I would not tolerate, my (imaginary) spouse telling me that I could not do something I wanted to do. But you also have kids to consider, not in relation to flying, but in relation to your marriage. Good luck. And congratulations on the solo.

 

[Timbeck2]

...He "found" my logbook one day and threw a huge fit about how often I was going up. So, now I keep my logbook at work. I feel like I'm having an affair, only my lover is an airplane...

Bingo! He is resentful about the money it costs, the time away from home or both.

Any marriage counselor will tell you that communication is key in any marriage. And yes, you threw the bone "at" him instead of finding a way to throw it "to" him.

 

[JCranford]

I threw this bone at him - which is more deadly, flying an airplane or being overweight 40-something man with high blood pressure and cholesterol issues who drinks more often than he probably should and whose family has a genetic history of heart failure? I was basically trying to call out his hypocrisy. Can guess how well that went :/

DAYUM!! You DO have some B#lls!

As far as kids, my wife has two kids and she has about 800+ skydives. You can guess she was getting the same kind of comments you've been getting (although not from ME! I have 3500 skydives!)

I love that my wife is very supportive of my flying and SHE has actually been looking at airpark houses and has mentioned 'when we have our own plane...' a few times. Its nice. Im sorry you arent getting the support you should be getting.

 

[NHWannabe]

By the way, I did solo and it was AWESOME!

Congrats!

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

Bingo! He is resentful about the money it costs, the time away from home or both.

Any marriage counselor will tell you that communication is key in any marriage. And yes, you threw the bone "at" him instead of finding a way to throw it "to" him.

No, it's not about the money at all. And it definitely isn't about the time away from home.

I agree that communication is key, but both parties have to communicate. I can't do it all. I initially tried being open with him about all the flights I was taking and when, but he made me feel bad about every single one of them. So I finally told him I was going to fly and he could either have my back, or not. He chose the second option.

And, trust me, I've thrown many bones "to" him as well. He just throws them to the side. Takes two people to work through an issue.

 

[Cajun_Flyer]

DAYUM!! You DO have some B#lls!

As far as kids, my wife has two kids and she has about 800+ skydives. You can guess she was getting the same kind of comments you've been getting (although not from ME! I have 3500 skydives!)

I love that my wife is very supportive of my flying and SHE has actually been looking at airpark houses and has mentioned 'when we have our own plane...' a few times. Its nice. Im sorry you arent getting the support you should be getting.

That's fantastic! I need a husband like your wife!!!

Reminds me of this awesome video I came across the other day...
http://www.greatbigstory.com/stories/dilys-price-82-year-old-skydiver