Not sure how this happened to me...

MauleSkinner said:
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Based on the focus of their attention, it appears someone forgot to pick up the dog poo in the yard before the ceremony. :eek:

Congrats to the happy couple!
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LOL!! But FYI, we're both watching to make sure I don't trip on my dress, because I'd nearly done just that a little bit before and he had to keep me up while I got my feet untangled. :)
 
SkyChaser said:
LOL!! But FYI, we're both watching to make sure I don't trip on my dress, because I'd nearly done just that a little bit before and he had to keep me up while I got my feet untangled. :)
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Also to make sure I don't STEP on her dress... lol Came awfully close.
 
Half Fast said:
BTW, @SkyChaser , you might mention this idea to your sisters. I would offer very reasonable rates..... :D

(Of course, they'd have to learn to fly first.)
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LOL!! One of them might go for it, even with the condition, but she bought a house, so I doubt she'll have the cash to take lessons for quite a while.
 
iamtheari said:
My theory is that the total must equal no less than 110%. It can be 100/10 some days, 55/55 others. It should be 100/100 as often as possible. But any extended period of less than 110 total, even if it’s 100/0, just won’t do.
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PaulS said:
My theory is don't be a jerk, and have lots of patience. My sense is this couple will be fine.
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While I agree with both of you, my theory is this:

For the wives: Give him lots of sex, and be nice to him.

For the guys: Be her rock, her hero. Keep her safe and protected. In big ways and little ways, even if you think it’s silly like saving her from the spider. Allow her to be autonomous if she wants but always be ready to step in when she needs you.

Both: Be each other’s friend, treat each other with respect and appreciation. Have fun together. Resolve disputes with constructive consideration. Work together to build a successful life.
 
SkyChaser said:
LOL!! But FYI, we're both watching to make sure I don't trip on my dress, because I'd nearly done just that a little bit before and he had to keep me up while I got my feet untangled. :)
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I KNEW there was a reason my wife and I wore jeans and sweaters when we got married. :D
 
Rushie said:
While I agree with both of you, my theory is this:

For the wives: Give him lots of sex, and be nice to him.

For the guys: Be her rock, her hero. Keep her safe and protected. In big ways and little ways, even if you think it’s silly like saving her from the spider. Allow her to be autonomous if she wants but always be ready to step in when she needs you.

Both: Be each other’s friend, treat each other with respect and appreciation. Have fun together. Resolve disputes with constructive consideration. Work together to build a successful life.
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Um yeah, this should be a sticky somewhere on this forum. Great post Rushie!
 
SCCutler said:
The coincidence is pretty remarkable, ain’t it?

Laurie and Ted have set a remarkable standard - amazing mates, beautiful children. You’re walking in good footsteps!
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2-Bit Speed said:
Well... the logistics were weird. The "How'd you meet story" is strange... And I'm still confused as to how it happened.

Meeting a family of nine all at once on the very day that I met her (face to face) for the first time was... something I hope to not repeat. The following months were... strained. 1,000 miles away with only a phone line. The actual dates were very good. When we got them.

According to our calendar, we had a grand total of 26 days face-to-face over the 15 months we knew each other before getting married (including the rehearsal).
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Your and @SkyChaser 's story sounds pretty familiar. Laurie and I were dating for 12 months before we got engaged, married 3 months after that. You can add in a bit of time before that that we had been chatting on PoA in flashchat (but not dating) and then knowing of eachother's posts but not really knowing eachother otherwise, but as I time it, 15 months and a few days from the first day we met until we got married. Long distance plusher job at the time was working 2-3 weeks on and 2-3 weeks off while I had a normal M-F. I didn't count the exact number of days - it was more than 26 - but a lot of long distance in there.

A few months ago was our 10 year anniversary.
 
MauleSkinner said:
Based on the focus of their attention, it appears someone forgot to pick up the dog poo in the yard before the ceremony. :eek:
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The wedding was at Bok Tower Gardens in Lake Wales, FL. Dog poo wasn't a concern, but....

When we visited the site in September, there was a very contented rat snake sunning himself in the grass who didn't seem to have any real fear of people being around. I got the sense that we were guests in his personal garden. All through the ceremony I kept waiting for him to come slithering through the wedding party. Fortunately he never showed.
 
NealRomeoGolf said:
I just want more pictures. I love wedding pictures. @Half Fast is holding back.
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Half Fast said:
Nope. Sorry. The bride and groom hired a photographer, so I assume they'll have some pics to post sometime soon.
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He's right. We did get a photographer and we're hoping for pictures soon, too! :) When we get the pictures, we'll post them so you can drool over them at your leisure. ;)
 
Ken Whitson said:
Congratulations to the new couple. "50/50" is the minimum . It's always been my contention that a successful marriage is more of a 70/70 effort.
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...because when you think you're giving 70%...you might in reality be giving 50% if you're lucky....
I read that a long time ago (well the concept, not necessarily those numbers). It's human nature to overestimate your own contribution....self importance, ego, etc....

I like iamtheari's 110% gross total. Good concept.
 
Rushie said:
While I agree with both of you, my theory is this:

For the wives: Give him lots of sex, and be nice to him.

For the guys: Be her rock, her hero. Keep her safe and protected. In big ways and little ways, even if you think it’s silly like saving her from the spider. Allow her to be autonomous if she wants but always be ready to step in when she needs you.

Both: Be each other’s friend, treat each other with respect and appreciation. Have fun together. Resolve disputes with constructive consideration. Work together to build a successful life.
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I won't admit it,
but I used to read a lot of self help books...read one once by Dr Laura a long time ago I picked up on an airline flight...."proper care and feeding of husbands"...or something like that. I probably have this a bit edgy or even wrong, but as I recall her point sorta mirrored yours Rushie. As I recall, she pointed out how a woman can basically "manipulate" a man..... by doing what you said the wives should do....stroking his ego..... then he will almost certainly break his neck to do those things you outlined that the guy should do. .....kind of a self perpetuating machine once it's running.

In my experience...this is where it loops back to the percentage ratios....it starts to break down when one person starts to "feel like" that the other is giving <50%

edit: I meant to add. in 18 years of marriage, I've never been successful in getting my wife to read the book. Something about that title.
 
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Half Fast said:
In that case it's time for you to cut out the womanizing and get busy with flying lessons! :D
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(Is it really called that if he's only got one? o_O I do take up enough time to be more than one, though, I think...LOL)
 
I'm seriously jealous of you people who have been married for a long time. I met my wife in 56 when I was in the Marine Corps. We were from the same town, same high school, same neighborhood etc. I didn't commit. Off I went overseas. Cheap booze, loose women, wild times. Lots of regrets over the years.

I retired from the military, from industry, went back to school for a couple of years and was at a loss. Daytime television was out. Ditto for boozing at the bars. I decided to pack up my Westie terrier and jump in my plane and take off for where ever.

I signed up for Classmates.com with the idea of sponging off old buddies on my odyssey. My first message came from my lost flame Winona."Do you know how long I've been looking for you?" was her first question.

47 years after my failure to commit we were married. Our 18th is coming up in a couple of months. Life is good. P&W TP.jpg
 
pmanton said:
I'm seriously jealous of you people who have been married for a long time. I met my wife in 56 when I was in the Marine Corps. We were from the same town, same high school, same neighborhood etc. I didn't commit. Off I went overseas. Cheap booze, loose women, wild times. Lots of regrets over the years.

I retired from the military, from industry, went back to school for a couple of years and was at a loss. Daytime television was out. Ditto for boozing at the bars. I decided to pack up my Westie terrier and jump in my plane and take off for where ever.

I signed up for Classmates.com with the idea of sponging off old buddies on my odyssey. My first message came from my lost flame Winona."Do you know how long I've been looking for you?" was her first question.

47 years after my failure to commit we were married. Our 18th is coming up in a couple of months. Life is good. View attachment 101963
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That is an impressive story! Glad you two found each other.
 
Brad W said:
I won't admit it,
but I used to read a lot of self help books...read one once by Dr Laura a long time ago I picked up on an airline flight...."proper care and feeding of husbands"...or something like that. I probably have this a bit edgy or even wrong, but as I recall her point sorta mirrored yours Rushie. As I recall, she pointed out how a woman can basically "manipulate" a man..... by doing what you said the wives should do....stroking his ego..... then he will almost certainly break his neck to do those things you outlined that the guy should do. .....kind of a self perpetuating machine once it's running.

In my experience...this is where it loops back to the percentage ratios....it starts to break down when one person starts to "feel like" that the other is giving <50%

edit: I meant to add. in 18 years of marriage, I've never been successful in getting my wife to read the book. Something about that title.
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I’ve heard of that book but haven’t read it. I used to catch some of Dr. Laura and recall her saying a man would swim through shark infested waters for a woman that treats him right, or something. I don’t see it as manipulation in a pathological sense, just the way men and women are built to complement each other.

A book my husband and I both read was “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” and both of us found it helpful. For example, when upset a man will go into his “cave”. Not a literal man-cave although he may retreat to that too, but he will withdraw into himself, and need time to process whatever it was that upset him. Don’t nag him and try to force him to talk. Give him a couple days and he will come around and when he does everything will be fine. On the other hand, when a woman is upset, the exact wrong thing to do is leave her alone. A woman processes stuff by talking about it. We found a lot of stuff in that book was very applicable to us.
 
Rushie said:
I’ve heard of that book but haven’t read it. I used to catch some of Dr. Laura and recall her saying a man would swim through shark infested waters for a woman that treats him right, or something. I don’t see it as manipulation in a pathological sense, just the way men and women are built to complement each other.

A book my husband and I both read was “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” and both of us found it helpful. For example, when upset a man will go into his “cave”. Not a literal man-cave although he may retreat to that too, but he will withdraw into himself, and need time to process whatever it was that upset him. Don’t nag him and try to force him to talk. Give him a couple days and he will come around and when he does everything will be fine. On the other hand, when a woman is upset, the exact wrong thing to do is leave her alone. A woman processes stuff by talking about it. We found a lot of stuff in that book was very applicable to us.
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It took my wife and I a few years to figure this out. One piece of advice for the guys.... if she's mad, you might as well talk about it now. She'll either be mad until you do, or she'll appear to get over it only to bring it up later. You're going to talk about it one way or another, might as well get it over with.
 
Rushie said:
A book my husband and I both read was “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” and both of us found it helpful. For example, when upset a man will go into his “cave”. Not a literal man-cave although he may retreat to that too, but he will withdraw into himself, and need time to process whatever it was that upset him. Don’t nag him and try to force him to talk. Give him a couple days and he will come around and when he does everything will be fine. On the other hand, when a woman is upset, the exact wrong thing to do is leave her alone. A woman processes stuff by talking about it. We found a lot of stuff in that book was very applicable to us.
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Whoa... this paragraph is GOLD. ;) Absolutely my wife and me. She has told me, "Just listen, don't solve the problem." :p
 
A book my husband and I both read was “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus” and both of us found it helpful. For example, when upset a man will go into his “cave”. Not a literal man-cave although he may retreat to that too, but he will withdraw into himself, and need time to process whatever it was that upset him. Don’t nag him and try to force him to talk. Give him a couple days and he will come around and when he does everything will be fine. On the other hand, when a woman is upset, the exact wrong thing to do is leave her alone. A woman processes stuff by talking about it. We found a lot of stuff in that book was very applicable to us.
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rtk11 said:
Whoa... this paragraph is GOLD. ;) Absolutely my wife and me. She has told me, "Just listen, don't solve the problem." :p
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We both read Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs which presented the same basic concepts.
 
Been married 19 years and still going strong. Things Top 10 things I have learned the hard way that keep my marriage going.

1. Put the dang seat down lest you wake up at 2am with a wife hovering over you with a mean look and possibly a weapon.
2. My wife is not my mother and cooks just fine.
3. My wife is not my mother, I should pick up my own dang clothes off the floor.
4. My wife's pants do not make her backside look too big.
5. The appropriate response is "Yes dear" to any question except #4 above.
6. My mother in Law is ALWAYS welcome here.
7. Date Nights didn't end when we got married...unlike some other things (LOL)
8. Referring to her as a Ball and Chain is highly disrespectful and I swore never to do it again once she quit hitting me
9. There is never enough hairspray (despite the flies in the bathroom being stuck in mid air)
10. Love is unconditional....so ignore the previous 9 at your own risk.
 
My friends were always giving me marital advice. Then they got divorced. They don't give me marital advice anymore.

My only real piece of advice is don't go to bed mad if you can help it. We always tried to get things resolved To some extent so they didn't linger. It only failed once, quite spectacularly, over something that in hindsight was hideously stupid.
 
Half Fast said:
Whenever you're wrong, apologize immediately. Whenever you're right, apologize immediately.

It's a good thing you both like apologetics..... :)
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LOL!! As my professor in college quite vehemently reiterated: "Apologetics has nothing to do with apologies!"

But it is very true that apologizing even when the majority of the blame isn't yours tends to defuse tense situations that could easily escalate. Which is a very good thing if the intent is to continue liking the person you're married to, and it helps in the loving them, too! :)
 
SkyChaser said:
But it is very true that apologizing even when the majority of the blame isn't yours tends to defuse tense situations that could easily escalate. Which is a very good thing if the intent is to continue liking the person you're married to, and it helps in the loving them, too! :)
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The one problem with this is if you apologize for something that isn't your fault your spouse can no longer determine whether or not they've wronged you. That is a very poor dynamic that can lead to lots and lots of problems in the long term. I've tried to be very honest with Mrs. Steingar, almost to a fault.

Indeed, yesterday morning I decided to work at home, and took a break to look at POA where I saw the thread about the unfortunate woman with CJD. Being a geneticist I was a bit geeked seeing this and went downstairs to tell my wife. I got a bit of a tongue lashing for my efforts, since she didn't realize I had stayed home that day. I felt some resentment, I had gone to share something and got excoriated. At my first opportunity I told her I was put out about this. Had I just apologized and left it at that I think I would have built up a resentment, which is a bad thing.
 
Reading this thread I realize why I suck at relationships. You can't both be from Mars. ;)
 
steingar said:
The one problem with this is if you apologize for something that isn't your fault your spouse can no longer determine whether or not they've wronged you. That is a very poor dynamic that can lead to lots and lots of problems in the long term. I've tried to be very honest with Mrs. Steingar, almost to a fault.

Indeed, yesterday morning I decided to work at home, and took a break to look at POA where I saw the thread about the unfortunate woman with CJD. Being a geneticist I was a bit geeked seeing this and went downstairs to tell my wife. I got a bit of a tongue lashing for my efforts, since she didn't realize I had stayed home that day. I felt some resentment, I had gone to share something and got excoriated. At my first opportunity I told her I was put out about this. Had I just apologized and left it at that I think I would have built up a resentment, which is a bad thing.
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Oh, I don't mean apologize for something that's not your fault or take the blame for something you didn't do. I mean apologizing for your part in whatever it is. Example (totally fictional). He asks me to remind him to do something important. I forget to remind him and he forgets to do it. It's not all my fault that he forgot. I could be upset with him for expecting me to remember and putting that pressure on me, and for forgetting stuff, but I apologize for failing to remind him - because I said I would and I didn't. That's my fault. And then he apologizes for failing to do whatever it was. Now, neither of us is mad at the other, and we can work at fixing the problems.
 
SkyChaser said:
Oh, I don't mean apologize for something that's not your fault or take the blame for something you didn't do. I mean apologizing for your part in whatever it is. Example (totally fictional). He asks me to remind him to do something important. I forget to remind him and he forgets to do it. It's not all my fault that he forgot. I could be upset with him for expecting me to remember and putting that pressure on me, and for forgetting stuff, but I apologize for failing to remind him - because I said I would and I didn't. That's my fault. And then he apologizes for failing to do whatever it was. Now, neither of us is mad at the other, and we can work at fixing the problems.
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Of course. If I promise to do something and don't do it I expect to give and apology and do my best to rectify the situation. If I somehow wrong my spouse (which I've done inadvertently more times than I can count, but NEVER on purpose) I of course want to do what I can to make things right. But I never want to have to make apology for something I didn't do and won't. That's the kind of advice I got from my now divorced friends. Good luck. Marriage isn't easy (why half the population can't seem to hack it) but is enormously valuable if you can develop the skills to keep it moving. Good luck.
 
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