NA. How to treat parents?

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falconkidding

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Falcon Kidding
Figured i'd ask the hivemind here since i'm sure someone has experience in this area.

Bit of background my parents have recently retired and I live local so I try to visit once every 2 weeks or so. This is slowly becoming a chore. After retirement they have essentially become ultra religious and super political. Like talk radio and news from 8am to bedtime, and their only hobbies are basically church related. I grew up religious but have basically been agnostic the last 20 years. Now when I visit its basically a 2 hour lecture on political stuff or natural medicine or church stuff until I can politely disengage.

They aren't bad people they just suck to be around, I can't take them out to eat cause they don't go to restaurants that serve alcohol, and they tip meagerly so i'm always having to slip cash to the waitress the few times we've gone to crappy little restaurants. I don't want to invite them over cause the one time they saw my fridge had a bottle of wine in it years ago was like a two page letter on how disappointed they were and tracts on alcohol/bible verses. I also have vinyl records with (gasp) rock music. I also hate going over there cause dinner is always some new diet or health fad they are trying, or if I go just to say hey its like 2 hours of doom and gloom or exhortations to get back in church. The other day I wore a shirt with some abstract art of a dude walking through a raining city . parents asked if it was some woke thing. Or I told them how a pilot buddy gave me a ride in his model s with ludicrous mode and how cool it was. Lead right into a lecture on electric cars. Drinking a gatorade led to a lecture on ph levels and alkaline water/cancer. They've turned into miserable know it all, doom and gloomers. Theres no such thing anymore as normal conversation about what they/I/relatives have gotten into the past few weeks.

They kind of just make me sad, they are multi millionaires but won't spend a dime on themselves and don't travel, just sit around the house, or do church stuff.

Do I tough it out and do my twice a month visits, smile and nod .
Cut back contact
Or go full falconkidding and let them know I sometimes drink, always listen to rock music, won't be back to church except for funerals and weddings, and occasionally drop the f-bomb.

1. They worry about me not going to church but keeps things calm/status quo
2. makes my life easier but I also feel an obligation to maintain a relationship cause they are family
3. causes them great distress about my eternal soul but then I no longer have to portray a character around them
 
A lot of old people get like this. Don’t let it bother you. People my parent’s age will be home watching the news all day and are afraid to go outside. Not all of them, but many of them are.

Be careful losing touch or spending less time, that inheritance can go sideways if you become out of favor.
 
Benito_P said:
A lot of old people get like this. Don’t let it bother you. People my parent’s age will be home watching the news all day and are afraid to go outside. Not all of them, but many of them are.

Be careful losing touch or spending less time, that inheritance can go sideways if you become out of favor.
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Im actually fine on the inheritance thing i make plenty of money i want them to spend it all on themselves and whatevers left can go to my siblings.
 
falconkidding said:
Im actually fine on the inheritance thing i make plenty of money i want them to spend it all on themselves and whatevers left can go to my siblings.
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I hear you. I think it’s very difficult to change people’s minds when it comes to finances, however.

If they spent most of their life working and saving to get to that level of wealth, then that’s a tough mindset to get out of.
 
First - respect your parents. You think they annoy you now, but there will come a time that they won’t be there anymore and you will wish you could see them just one more time.

Second, talk with them. When you go out, you pay, they’re on a fixed income. Maybe you don’t need to go every two weeks, but stay in touch.

At some point you need to have a tough discussion with them about their futures, specifically the future of the one that outlives the other. The elderly tend not to do well when left alone. Your parents took care of you for decades, you need to be ready to return the favor. It’s hard, but it’s the right thing to do. You have siblings, they can help too.
 
Treat them the way you'd want your kids to treat you in a few short decades. If you don't have kids, then be glad you're enjoying half of a **** sandwich instead of the whole thing. That being said, it is important to establish boundaries and expectations.
 
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tough spot. my parents are similar to yours. they are drinking the 24 hour/day mass media kool aide. my last visit I was having a mostly civil discussion with my dad and my mom came in and it quickly became a screaming match. total insanity. so if there is ANY indication a conversation is going political, I get up and leave the room, mid-sentence, I DGAF. like yours, my parents are full time dedicated to their religious practices. they are fully aware how I feel about it. I support them 100% but that doesn't mean I'm participating. I don't get lectures anymore, which is nice. and my mom is a total wine-o so no lectures on drinking other than "every time you come to visit you drink all the wine!". but I do restock because that's the kind of son I am. tough spot man. I'm an adult and stopped caring what people think about me or my ways a long time ago. nothing I do gets in anyone else's way (other than when I send unsolicited d*kpics to random people just for funsies) so really I don't care what people think. personally if I were you my visits would become less frequent but like bflynn said, they ARE your parents. a good stern talking to would be my first approach.
 
falconkidding said:
They kind of just make me sad, they are multi millionaires but won't spend a dime on themselves and don't travel, just sit around the house, or do church stuff.

Do I tough it out and do my twice a month visits, smile and nod .
Cut back contact
Or go full falconkidding and let them know I sometimes drink, always listen to rock music, won't be back to church except for funerals and weddings, and occasionally drop the f-bomb.

1. They worry about me not going to church but keeps things calm/status quo
2. makes my life easier but I also feel an obligation to maintain a relationship cause they are family
3. causes them great distress about my eternal soul but then I no longer have to portray a character around them
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Some day this discussion will be moot - spend as much quality time them as possible.
 
wow, are you a brother I never knew I had???
My mom has always been religious and I've never known her to ever have a hobby outside of that. Long ago I learned to avoid certain topics, or just sort of ignore as she goes on an on. I'm a Christian but I suppose a lot 'softer' & I just don't have the same need to talk about it that she does. It's a whole other level
And ditto for the last several years the politics. I'm also very conservative and have listened to talk radio for many years...but they, and mom especially, these last several years have FOX news on all the time and just echo the talking points whenever something comes up.

I'm not local to them but I do wish I was closer. Still, when I go home for a visit, especially the last several decades, they rarely want to go out for dinner, for similar reasons....places that serve booze...or "I could make a better steak at home for less than half the cost!"...Never want to explore any museums or points of interest. When I go home I'm dying to get out to some old haunts or try some of the many new places in that growing city....But I'm made to feel a bit guilty when I do leave them at home to go places.... so my family and I don't get out there nearly as much as we'd like to....

Still, except for the judgy-ness, I put up with it...and I do very much wish that i was closer to visit more often.
 
Life is too short for me to torture myself with that abuse on such a regular basis.
Take a wire cutter next time, and sever that stupid cable TV line.
I would have offed myself 20 years ago if I had kept the TV service, omg.
 
Treat your parents with respect.

Now, the challenge is for them to respect that you are an adult. Maybe tell them to pray for you and your well-being, but be honest about them pushing you away.

Maybe talk to their Pastor.

But, treat your parents with respect.
 
GeorgeC said:
Treat them the way you'd want your kids to treat you in a few short decades. If you don't have kids, then be glad you're enjoying half of a **** sandwich instead of the whole thing.
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pmanton said:
Tell them how you feel. Let them know that they need to honor your feelings as you honor theirs.
We're 85 and 83 and make it a point to not discuss politics or religion with kids and grandkids.
And yes we do have some children we're no longer in touch with.
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I think my hang up right now is the whole ultra orthodox religious' aspect i'd be fine with judgement on lifestyle choices but I don't want them to live out their lives thinking i'm going to hell. (their sect is very my ways the only way everyone else is hellfire) so smile and nod to keep the peace of mind for them that i'm "backslidden" but still a good kid. Or be myself and cause them distress. If I had kids I'd want them to be themselves even if I disagreed with their choices. But then again if I believed those choices led to an eternity of hellfire that would cause a lot of distress.
 
I would just find a stern, but polite, way about establishing that you don't care to discuss religion/politics as it doesn't ever result in a productive conversation. Probably takes away most of the animosity you feel, and that would allow the time you spend with them to be more meaningful. Treat them to lunch/dinner, then you don't worry about the tip (or just keeping dropping extra cash on the table after everyone leaves). Find some Bible versus that support drinking alcohol, as long as it isn't drinking to excess. For example:

Ecclesiastes 9:7: "Go, eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do."
Psalms 104:14-15: "14 He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for people to cultivate— bringing forth food from the earth:
15 wine that gladdens human hearts, oil to make their faces shine, and bread that sustains their hearts."
 
How to treat parent(s)?

Wish I knew. My mom just turned 92. Her memory is failing. She doesn't eat enough and stopped cleaning the house years ago.

I have tried to convince her she needs assisted in home care, but she refuses. I did get power of attorney on her finances so I can make sure the bills are paid.

Her current thing is, your wife borrowed my paper shredder and I need it back. It shorted out in spectacular fashion 5 years ago. She will text me 5-10 times aday about that. Next it will be I need to get the propane tank filled. Did that 2 weeks ago. It was wood pellets for the last two weeks. I picked up a ton last month.

Patience is all I can say.
 
You may not agree with your parents religious views, but you should consider their perspective. If I saw a skydiver about to jump to his death without a parachute, I'd be a fool not to tell him that he was making a mistake, and offer him a chute. You should respect that they feel deeply enough about your future to risk annoying you.
 
Zeldman said:
...Patience is all I can say...
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This.

I never experienced what you are. My challenge was dementia. Not wanting to shower, change cloths, basic hygiene, and sometimes, a lot more than basic hygiene issues. Not sure what's worse: having your parents know who you are and therefore feeling the need to change you b/c of their religious beliefs, or them not recognizing you. Of course, it doesn't really matter. With aging parents, the wheels sometimes fall off in different ways. I feel it's our duty as children to go with the flow and make them as comfortable as possible. Unless they are about to harm themselves, let it go.
 
As both a parent of adult children and an adult child of a parent, boundaries are important to set and maintain.

We have a very enjoyable relationship with our son and his wife primarily because all of us have communicated and respected each other’s boundaries. It’s exactly the opposite with our daughter and her spouse. Because we have significantly different views, we set a boundary of no religion and no politics. Their position is those two topics are important enough to them that it was deemed unreasonable; we asked for their input which was essentially their way or the highway and we were expected to not only be in receive mode only, but also must provide positive support of their positions.

In the nine months since, we’ve had just three interactions, two of which were to transfer ownership of a life insurance policy and third was them telling us they bought a house.

With my parents, we just have a no politics boundary however my wife will be around him if I’m not there due to some behavioral issues related to his new journey down the dementia path.

It’s tough; we love all these people and want success and happiness for them but also acknowledge the parent/child relationship is not a the same thing as friendship and we will not enable behaviors that aren’t respectful. Communication can go a long way, but it can’t guarantee anything. You can love, honor, and respect a parent or child unconditionally without also having deep personal relationship with them.
 
it’s not as simple as it seems. It’s complicated when their religious beliefs are very different from yours, but consider that maybe they really DO want what’s best for you and let them know you appreciate their concern. But, if they start getting sucked into giving way too much money to whatever church or order they belong to, you might need to have a long talk. Think about what you might feel when one day they’re gone. Even with their quirks, they’re just people too…and your parents. Enjoy what you can, when you can, while you can.
 
They sound irritating af. Move farther away to assuage any guilt about not hanging out with them more and keep their noses out of your wine fridge.
 
In terms of asking for boundaries, I suggest a written follow up document for them to discuss between themselves after you’ve made your pitch and left for the day. Something without angry or defensive emotions mixed in. A written doc is to inform not persuade.

I also believe you can tell people anything when they are convinced you love them. It’s just that it is not easy to convince them that you love them.
 
Man, I’ve got the same issue with my parents only they’re probably at the opposite end of the spectrum. Yours sound very conservative while mine are big libs. My mom got into politics big time around 2004 when she says “Bush sent me to a war I shouldn’t have participated in.” They’re both anti-military but they keep silent around me being retired military.

It’s strange, they too preach eating right but while they eat a burger without a bun, they eat a crapload of sugar…hilarious. They also spend their time sitting around watching TV and not getting out and traveling, exercising. I still get a long with them but when I visit twice a month and MSNBC is on the TV and the constant bad mouth of Trump and republicans, it’s put a strain on our relationship. I just try accept the fact that 1) I can’t change their beliefs and 2) they’re my parents and while their beliefs are in my opinion naive, they’re still good people.
 
Lots of experience here to draw from with a common theme of a disconnect. Like everyone above I have too had a similar experience with different details, but lost my father very recently. Respect, patience and love. If you can. Our disconnects kept me away more than I would have liked and now the pain of that reality is difficult. I'm very thankful that there was mutual respect and we could communicate but it could have been so much more. They will be gone someday. Please keep that in mind.
 
I am in the same situation as you are, experience similar behavior from In-laws too. Religion and Politics are two contentious topics.

However, I agree with most other responses in this thread, respect your parents, and let them know how you feel. You share lifetime of experiences with them and that shared memory will be lost one day. Not worth pushing them away, try joint counseling if you think will help.
 
falconkidding said:
I think my hang up right now is the whole ultra orthodox religious' aspect i'd be fine with judgement on lifestyle choices but I don't want them to live out their lives thinking i'm going to hell.
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If that's what they think and it's not true, it's their problem. If that's what they think and it's true, it's your problem. Do you have a problem?
 
Here's an irony. If they are wrong, and there is no higher power, there is no ultimate moral consequence for dishonoring them. If they are right, then the "why" of why you should give them honor and respect matters quite a bit.
 
My siblings and I are managing my dad, trying to get him out to actually see the world first person instead of some insane person's youtube channel full of conspiracy theories. We've been somewhat successful, because he was very isolated after mom died, and got him to move to a retirement community from the large family home in a neighborhood where no one really goes outside. Large houses, 4-5 acres, tends to isolate people. New place is smaller, a lot of homes with similarly aged people all around. Doesn't really need to drive. Clubs, pool, etc all kinds of things do to. He's loving it. Phone calls are less about 'that damn Obama' and more about who he met today, clubs he's looking to join, things he's looking forward to doing. He used to spend probably 75% of his day in front of the TV, drinking beer, watching complete garbage. We've been working on it, but there was times when none of the kids would call or visit for 6+ months because we just didn't want to deal with the crazy. One of my siblings has completely given up. But we've set up boundaries and focus on the positive, and there has been positive change.
 
Bill said:
I just don’t get people who spend their retirement indoors watching network drivel. Holy hell, people, there’s a beautiful world out there!
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Yeah... once my dad moved, he kept repeating "I should've done this years ago!"... yeah no ****. We've been telling you for years.... :rolleyes1:
But change is hard. Lived in that house for ~30 years, in that town for almost 50. Sometimes change is good.
 
My parents were sort of like yours but they are now dead…I still miss them and they are responsible for my success with there discipline and conviction…I have two kids, rather adults that I will not treat the same as I had it…one is liberal and one conservative…we don’t talk politics but do address issues and they call mom for matters of the heart and me for everything else…one called over the weekend with a fentanyl case where she hit her limit with two year old that where she had to administer narcam four times to keep the child alive, and the other dealing with her husband deploying as an F35 driver to the far east. Some times you learn from your parents how to maybe do it better…but remember they really are doing their best and respect that.
 
RyanShort1 said:
Here's an irony. If they are wrong, and there is no higher power, there is no ultimate moral consequence for dishonoring them. If they are right, then the "why" of why you should give them honor and respect matters quite a bit.
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Better known as Pascal's Wager:

Pascal contends that a rational person should adopt a lifestyle consistent with the existence of God and actively strive to believe in God. The reasoning behind this stance lies in the potential outcomes: if God does not exist, the individual incurs only finite losses, potentially sacrificing certain pleasures and luxuries. However, if God does indeed exist, they stand to gain immeasurably, as represented for example by an eternity in Heaven in Abrahamic Tradition while simultaneously avoiding boundless losses associated with an eternity in Hell.​
 
One concrete suggestion I can offer, see if you can get your parents to talk of either 1) memories (Hey, mom, where did we take that vacation with Uncle Fred? or How did you and dad meet? Dad, was it a near world record carp you caught? Tell me how you did that.) or 2) Areas of their (perhaps former) expertise (Hey mom how do you make strawberry preserves or how long didi you have to work at the uranium plant?, Dad, how did the canning machine keep the tin rolling?)

My dad had cognitive decline. I used to ask him about electrical stuff (he spent most of his career as an electrician). He couldn't actually perform a job because he couldn't keep track of what he was doing, but he knew all kinds of stuff and could talk about memories.

It may be repetitive for you but it beats the heck out of the other stuff.

My dad died in 2015 and my mom in 2021. This is a bit fresh...

John
 
I think it’s interesting that you all assume that it’s the parents problem. I know if I had a grown adult child stray from the Path that I put them on, I would view myself as a failure as a parent and visits from that child would be a reminder of that failure. maybe they don’t care about you as much as you think they do. Maybe they have things figured out that you are completely missing because you think you’re oh so much smarter and sophisticated. Both of my parents, veterans of the depression, and World War II, successfully navigated life through history and perils and hardship that we do not understand today. For me, The older I got the smarter my parents became. They are both passed now, but I appreciate them more every day.
 
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Well, glad to see that I'm not alone...I'm still just trying to figure out exactly when my parents became Nazis....I'm a pretty conservative guy myself, but they are absolutely ridiculous. Funny that @Morgan3820 says its your problem...because if your parents are like mine, they really are out of control. My mom talks about god killing the president. My dad talked about "god having vengeance on the blacks"...etc. Yeah, I'm not living to THAT standard lol.

OP you mentioned 3 choices (and I'm paraphrasing): toughing it out, cutting back contact, or giving them hell... At various times I've done each. Each had some result/outcome that was both good and bad. I think at various times, each can also help to maintain a relationship (at least as long as the "cutting back contact" is somewhat short term/measured in months to get a point across). I'm with you on the inheritance thing as even though my parents are wealthy, so am I, so I really couldn't care less about it (but don't think that doesn't stop my parents from trying to use it as a tool to get me to conform to their standard).

You are an adult. Tell them they have to respect your boundaries. When they don't, point it out. When I started doing this, I could only do it when I invited them to visit me, because when I would try this when I was visiting them, I would get the response of, "it's my house I'll say whatever the hell I want" stuff...then I would just leave, not talk to them for a few months, then slowly regain contact. It's literally taken a decade, but we now do pretty well most of the time.
 
Bill said:
I just don’t get people who spend their retirement indoors watching network drivel. Holy hell, people, there’s a beautiful world out there!
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kind of like the people who spend their time staring at their phones... um.....
 
Add on - retirements homes are a no. I don't care what it takes, figure out how to do it without them. If you ever visit and it looks like a bunch of old people waiting to die, you're spot on. You can hire a home care service 4 hours a day to clean, provide company, and make food for far less. But probably your parent should live with one of you.
 
Anyway - I've never been a big believer in obligation for obligation's sake. If you are not positively impacting eachothers lives which it sounds like is probably the case, then why prolong the torture? At this point it sounds like it's just because that's what society thinks you should do and that's kind of a BS reason.
 
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