N/A How many children are enough?

Challenged

Challenged

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Challenged
I'm going to use you guys as a free therapy session if you don't mind.

I've never wanted children. I immediately feel like I should apologize for that fact since I think that most people may find it difficult to understand, but it is what it is. I think a lot of people have this sort of internal yearning to have children that they hold inside of them, but for whatever reason I've never felt that way. Now that we've got that out of the way.

It took forever, but eventually I found a woman that's beautiful, caring and doesn't annoy me in any way, so we got married and it's been wonderful. Of course, she wanted children and I didn't so we compromised on that and we had a child. Being a parent is so much easier than I thought it would be ... said no parent ever.

I love my son. He's fun, bright, energetic and generally well behaved, but I do find parenting to be pretty exhausting. I don't want anyone to think that I don't love my child, because I do. We wrestle and I read him books at night and I cheer for him at his soccer matches and do all the things that dads should be doing. I take my responsibilities in life very seriously and taking care of my wife and my child are definitely a responsibility and I do my best at it even though I never felt like it was my calling.

So we're at a point now where I want to do fun things like buy a forever airplane and my wife is wanting another child. I feel like such a bad husband and person when I say that I don't want another child. I feel like I've already sacrificed to have one child as is. So when I look at this question I feel like I'm being selfish and at the same time I also feel like my wife is being selfish in asking me to have yet another child; it's a strange position to be in.

I do like the idea of another child in some aspects, when I think about the fact that it would be nice to have someone else to visit us when we get old or somewhere to fly to in the future to visit them and I know my wife finds raising children fulfilling. I do feel like having another child would expand those future days of enjoyment, but at the same time, there's only so much money and time to go around so I also feel like an additional child will put a damper on doing things that I might find enjoyable in the more present time. I'm generally a person who likes solitary projects of some sort, so even if I were to retire today I feel like I could constantly entertain myself with various projects and be perfectly content.

I do have some friends who only have a single child and they seem fine with it when I ask them about it, but I also have a family friend who had a single child that passed away as a teenager and her husband has since passed away as well and thinking about that sort of possibility punches me in the gut for my wife's future happiness.

I'm not sure I'm expecting any sort of magical resolution here, but I feel better just writing down my thoughts, so thanks for taking the time to listen to my complaints if you made it this far.

Anyone here have just a single child? Are you happy with that decision so far? Anyone a single child themselves? (thanks luvflyin)
 
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Had 2 so can't answer your question. Another question to ask is anyone a single child and get their input. Doing that can by association give your son some input.
 
I have two, got cut after the second. That I know of anyway. :cool:
 
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we planned for two....had one and then got a set of twins and an extra. :D

It's all good....now. ;)
 
Man, twins might put me over the edge in a bad way..that's certainly another concern I have.
 
We found that odd-numbered kids were a big adjustment; even-numbered, no so much.

0 -> 1: BIG adjustment.
1 -> 2: Not such a big deal, you already have one, now you have one each to take care of when you go somewhere.
2 -> 3: Big adjustment; now SOMEBODY has to take care of two when you're out, extra hands, etc.
3 -> 4: Not such a big deal, you're used to it by now.
4 -> 5: Now you're always getting the sideways looks and people think you must be Mormons or something (no, just careless...)

And so on.

Ask yourself: Will the world be a better place if I increase the number of MY kids in it? Or will I just be contributing to the eventual decline and fall of civilization? If the former, do your duty to God and country and pop out another one. If the latter, well, go buy an airplane.

:D
 
Reading between the lines it seems that... having another kid will mean less flying money for you. In my irrelevant opinion, you have already compromised and agreed to have a kid. I think it's a little unfair for her to expect you to agree to have another kid when she knows (does she know?) that you didn't want to have any to begin with.

Just who wears the pants in the relationship? We'll know when you announce the birth in 9 months. LOL

BTW-- kids can be scaled. (That sounds bad.) The more you have, the average cost goes down. From first to second, you see the biggest drop in cost. Time though can't be scaled, you have to dedicate the time to each one. You can combine things if they are close in age, but if you don't want a screwed up kid, you have to put in the time. But you can re-use stuff and you become more efficient. You know what not to do. Trust me, I have 4. #3 and 4 are a breeze. Riiiight....
 
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Doesn't sound like you're that into it, but it does seem like your wife is trying to fill some type of void in her life. Maybe just get your wife to see someone about that or get some hobbies.


I just don't get the NEED people have to launch out a small basketball team worth of kids, think if I ever went down the kid route I'd just have one, but right now I just don't see the need nor the reward, I don't feel a need to reaffirm my group identity or try to somehow live on through another human, I don't live in a farm where having more children means having more help, I'm not a king who needs offspring to rule the kingdom, if anything it would be interesting to see what my genes would produce.
 
Challenged said:
Man, twins might put me over the edge in a bad way..that's certainly another concern I have.
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I worked with a guy who use to tease guys that they were going to have twins.....he was blessed with triplets. God does have a sense of humor. :D
 
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Challenged said:
Anyone here have just a single child? Are you happy with that decision so far? Anyone a single child themselves? (thanks luvflyin)
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I have one son. I am thrilled with the decision to get married and have a son at my age. I was 51, closing on 52 when my son was born.

A second child is planned and I am thrilled with that decision. I simply pray for healthy and happy.

I struggled with the decision to get married and start a family...I was married and lost my first wife to an aneurysm. As you can imagine, this was devastating...but I ran the plan we had rehearsed a million time...if one passes, we move on with our lives and cherish what we had. I have and I so cherish the time we were together.

I am married to a wonderful woman, mother and person. She made it clear that marrying her meant starting a family...it took me a 'minute' to swallow the pill...now that I am here and a father, I know I have made the right decision. In the discussion to have a second child, our age and a desire for our son not to end up alone in this world weighed heavily on our decision. I know this is the right decision for us...all three of us.

As far as the sacrifice, it seems irrelevant to me. After having my family as it were destroyed by illness, it means so much more to me that possessions or experiences.
I have a nice plane, a few bucks stored away and income so I am not worried about the flying aspect...I do not criticize you for letting it play a part on your thinking...I'll simply offer this piece of insight...realize its not about you any more...it's about your precious family. Love your wife by giving her fulfillment in being a mother...love your son by loving your wife. Rarely have I seen an instance where a fulfilled woman didn't multiply what she was given.

From the heart...
 

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My philosophy is to start with one. If he/she turns out good then quit while you are ahead. If he/she turns out bad then cut your losses.

However, the USA seems to be optimized for families of 4. Walk into a restaurant and ask for a family meal, get 4 settings. Buy a family pack of admission, get 4 tickets. Shop for a house, most are 3-4 bedrooms. Buy a midsize car or compact SUV, get space for 2 adults and 2 car seats. Shop for a plane, most on the market will have 4 seats. The second kid isn't that big a leap.

P.S. The sub forum for N/A discussions seems to be the "Hangar Talk" section.
 
Kelvin said:
I simply pray for healthy and happy.

...realize its not about you any more...it's about your precious family. ...
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That's all I prayed for when mine were born. And yes, it's all about your family with kids.

That was a touching and wonderful post Kelvin.
 
Challenged said:
Anyone here have just a single child?
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Yes, but she is only 3 days old so we aren't done!

Honestly, no right or wrong answer - you and your wife need to find a way to optimize the happiness and success of your family. You have to weigh things like having a plane and only your son vs, less money, less time but perhaps a happier wife. I can tell you what wouldn't make you happy is a divorce, loss of half your assets and only seeing your son two weekends a year. Sometimes we can't have everything we want or even what is 'fair'
 
the good news about your first compromise is that it sounds like you'll get to compromise again for kid # 2. but by the time your wife tells you you can't have two kids AND fly, you'll be well versed in compromising so giving up what you love to do should come easy by then.
 
Congratulations!


RudyP said:
Yes, but she is only 3 days old so we aren't done!

Honestly, no right or wrong answer - you and your wife need to find a way to optimize the happiness and success of your family. You have to weigh things like having a plane and only your son vs, less money, less time but perhaps a happier wife. I can tell you what wouldn't make you happy is a divorce, loss of half your assets and only seeing your son two weekends a year. Sometimes we can't have everything we want or even what is 'fair'
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I was in a long relationship with a woman that didn't want kids. She was up front about it when we first started dating, and I was in my 20s and still focused on working my way up the aviation ladder so didn't care much about it. Then my 30s came and my friends are all having kids. I'm babysitting, going to Disneyland with them - having a great time. So I start thinking about it, how it might be nice, but figure that ship has sailed.

Welp, now I'm in my late 30s, but in a relationship with a different woman, and this one does want kids. She's still about 4 years away from being in a position professionally to have them, which will put me in my early 40s by then. The idea of having my first child at that age scares the living crap out of me, but I'm also pretty excited about it. One nice thing about the late start (especially for a guy that flies for a living) is that I'm already established in my career and should have the kind of seniority that'll allow me to be home when I need to be. Of course, we'll see how it all goes. :)
 
Challenged said:
Anyone a single child themselves? (thanks luvflyin)
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I am. But my mom started late, at 40, which was unusual back in the day. Being an only was also unusual. My friends with siblings were jealous, but I wanted a Brady Bunch family. We always want what we don't have...

But as I got to be a teen and older, I was fine with being an only.

As far as children are concerned, I never wanted any, and didn't have any. Weirdly, it's one of the first questions other women ask me.
 
I was raised an only child, and we have 3 children (had our son and then had twin girls 2 years later).

My opinion is that there is no right or wrong number of children to have. It depends on what you want. I'm assuming that your son is around 7 or 8 now. Keep in mind this means that if you have another child, they will basically both be raised as only children. They can still be close, but it's not the same as my kids who are 2 years apart and can still happily play together. Your older child will babysit the younger child when he's in high school, for example. That also means that you're extending your period until you're empty nesters, which is another factor to consider.

Having siblings can be great. I firmly believe that as my kids grow up, the fact that they have eachother will be wonderful for them. If nothing else, as my wife and I age, they will have eachother to help deal with us. As an only child, I'm stuck with my mom myself. On the other hand, my mom and my uncle aren't very close (they're 7 years apart), and we don't talk to my wife's brother anymore. So it goes both ways. There are times I wish I had a sibling, no doubt.

I tend to think that you have one child for you and if you want to have a close relationship with that child. But you have multiple children for eachother and for them to have that closeness together. However you have no idea how it will work out - it's luck of the draw.
 
SkyDog58 said:
I am perfectly happy at my current count of ZERO.

So is the wife.
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I know one thing....I won't die a lonely man....I will be surrounded by a wonderful bunch of quarreling-but-loving kids. :D

plus...the world needs (4) more conservative right wingers.
 
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I was an only child as well. My Mom had some complications with me (to the point where the doctors recommended that I be aborted), but fortunately my parents didn't take their advice. But the issues made it so I was the only one. Sometimes I think it'd be cool to have a brother or sister, but my Dad's really just a big kid anyway so it was like having an older brother of sorts. ;)
 
I didn't really want kids until I met my wife. Then I decided I wanted to have kid(s) with her. But based on little evidence I'd concluded that only children tended to be brats and therefore I would go with two. My wife agreed to "two and we'll talk about it." First kid was super easy. Second kid was super hard (at first). We decided to stop. But in between the time I MADE the appt at the urologist and KEPT the appt at the urologist ... kid #3 would not be denied.

Each of them is so different. If we'd never had #3 I wouldn't know what I was missing. But having him, I am a better man because of it.

Well, plus as has already been mentioned, I feel it is my duty to augment the gene pool as much as possible.
 
kayoh190 said:
The idea of having my first child at that age scares the living crap out of me,
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I had my 1st and only at 39. Yes, having a youngster and wrestling on the floor every night for a number of years wore me out, but I man do I miss those days. Now she's a teen and the challenges are different. Don't blink, though, it all goes by too fast. It seems like only yesterday we were wrestling on the floor and making animal noises, tomorrow she'll be off to college.
 
In my opinion, 2 kids is actually easier than 1 kid. If the kids are close in age, they can entertain each other, which takes a little load off of the parents. If the first born is several years older, he/she can actually help you watch and/or take care of the younger one. As they grow up, the two kids will always have somebody at school that has their back, somebody they can count on, or somebody they can turn to for help. I personally think providing a brother or sister is one of the finest things you can do for your kids for so many reasons that will impact them for their entire life. I could go on and on about it, but I wont. The decision is yours and your wife's, together.
 
Had one... kinda. Came with the wife. But was 1-1/2 when I entered the scene. The (biological) father was absent and I ended up adopting the boy. That's all we had.

I'm happy with the single child decision. The wife wanted another... badly! But I didn't.

Would it have been better with two? No idea. I never give it a thought. It's irrelevant. I choose to think about the life that we are living not the one that might have been.
 
I will say that being an only child at this point, I mainly wish I had a sibling to help me deal with my mother, especially as she continues to age. I'm always the bad guy when talking to her and it gets old. It would be nice to split that.

When I was a kid I wished I had siblings, but in NYC it was common to be an only child. So it meant that I had a lot more playdates and spent more time with my friends. It worked out. Now my kids spend all their time with eachother, and it works out very nicely. Other than the aforementioned mother issue, I don't find myself wanting for siblings now.

There are times when I wish we'd stopped at one and I feel like, because of the girls, I'm not able to give my son as much attention as he deserves. On the other hand, they are all so wonderful and unique, and I love having the girls. It's tons of fun.
 
I’ve got three brothers and a sister. Have two daughters. Daughters have two kids each. Everybody’s happy.

Sounds like the OP should call Dr Phil.

Cheers
 
Ted DuPuis said:
I will say that being an only child at this point, I mainly wish I had a sibling to help me deal with my mother, especially as she continues to age. I'm always the bad guy when talking to her and it gets old. It would be nice to split that.
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I can relate to that. My mom is gone now but I feel like I spent the last 10 years of her life being responsible for her. Of course if I said that, I would get the lecture that she spent the first 18 years of my life being responsible for me (two as a single parent).

But look at it this way, Ted. I have known a number of families who have had a lot of conflict between siblings about what was to be done with aging parents.
 
The more the merrier! Seriously, we planned on having 2, a girl and a boy and we then our surprise baby boy came along a couple years later! The world is based on families of four, from cruise ship cabins to booths at a restaurant. If she wants 2, she will have 2! It's not really much different than one and there is no difference from 2 to 3!!
 
There’s a lot of times I’m out in public and see people who shouldn’t be procreating, yet they continue to have child after child. For them I say, it’s time to stop multiplying.

On another note, I also agree that there isn’t a right or wrong number, but I have always liked the idea of adding a sibling to an only child. Growing up with a sister 8 years older, helped the parents with someone to take care of me and a buddy to hang out with. I’ve always considered her my second mother due to that reason.

Of course, I’ve never been in the situation in my life, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
 
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I wanted one, my wife wanted three. We got two at once and that was a good compromise. I was an only child although I had a step sister that didn't live with us. Being an only child sucks. Nobody to play with, pick on or complain to when your mom and dad didn't agree with you. And then later on in life you get accused of being selfish and an only child. I think married couples who want children should only have two to replace them when they die. Any more and they are just contributing to overpopulation.
 
When my wife and I got married (ages 20 & 22) neither of us wanted kids. Various reasons, but sure. 6 years into our marriage (and I was unemployed at the time) we began to think, "Well, maybe". Then we discovered our oldest was on the way. I got a job and, fortunately, insurance for "pre-existing conditions" kicked in on the day our son was born. We had 4 total, 2 boys and 2 girls. No matter how many you have, they're all different.

What's the right number? I have no idea. I will second the comments above that the US is built around families of 4. Once you add the third child it's harder to find tables in restaurants, family packages etc.

John
 
I'm an only child. Growing up when I was young I always wished in the back of my mind I had a brother or sister to play with. I also wish I had another brother so I didn't have to do all the work with my dad all the time. BUT now looking back on it I am extremely satisfied with being an only child. I had a lot more privilege (we were not upperclass by any means) than my friends with multiple brothers or sisters.


I am currently single though and in the same boat as far as no real interest for kids right away. Teaching middle school has not helped with that feeling o_O
 
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