N/A How many children are enough?

@Challenged , We have just one daughter. We're now early 50's and daughter is 9. She is amazing. I was 95% good with a 2nd, so we tried, didn't work, sucked. Wife was 42 at the time and I made the decision to stop. To much genetic stuff to risk once the wife is that old. Yes, you'll hear all the good stories from the 45yo moms who had healthy babies. I think my wife needed me to make that decision. Emotion and the need for security was driving her to have a second so there could be siblings. But the genetic risk meant a sibling could have been someone my daughter would also have to care for her entire life. We wish our daughter could have a brother or sister - but we just met and started to late.

Regarding having a single child. We can both focus attention on her when needed. She needed to get her math scores up a bit, all 3 of us hit it hard. She scored 98% percentile on her last NWEA! Like someone else said, when you have just one the dad also needs to be the big crazy brother once in awhile...my daughter loves that...so do I. With just 3 of us, we have been able to travel a bit more exotic...just did New Zealand last year. A 4th plane ticket might have delayed that another year. We'll probably be able to spend more on her education if needed.

Regarding flying: Well my wife is a pilot and daughter flies. She's okay with it but trips only. All I know is that even with 2 kids we would have found a way. Remember, you don't have to pay for their entire education! My wife and I paid our way. Our daughter will have more than she would if we had 2. But we probably won't be able to pay for it all.

When it comes to siblings its interesting. I have a brother close in age and sister 10yrs younger. Now at 50+ yrs old I probably talk to my sister 4 times a year and my brother 8 times a year. We see them about twice a year. My wife's family is more connected but rarely all seem to get along. I just hope that my daughter meets a MAN (not a man) who treats her right. That is who will care for her as she gets old. I think siblings often grow apart so not sure how the: "We need 2 kids so that when they are older they won't be all alone when we're gone" argument really hold up.

Lets cut right to it. When you have just one you will always have this lingering fear that if something happens to your one and only - that you will destroyed. But when you peel away the emotion and think about it, that is a parent being selfish and emotional - not a justifiable argument for more kids.
 
She's right, you're wrong, end of story.

Seriously though, I laughed at your write up because that could have been me. I didn't want kids, she did, so we compromised and had one. I never looked back. A couple of years later she wanted another, and since having one was so much better than I ever thought it would be, sure, why not.

Emily is 19, Erich is 16, and I couldn't be happier. If you're enjoying one kid, I wouldn't hesitate to give your wife another.

With that said, there are some people who shouldn't be parents. You'll see them at Wal-Mart yelling at their kids, hitting them, making everyone's lives miserable. If you think that could be you - then yeah, don't do it. Otherwise, count this as a vote of encouragement.
 
steingar said:
Personally I think the OP made the mistake when he married a woman who wanted kids when he wanted none. Says me have the second. If mamma ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Having an airplane and an unhappy wife would get old really fast.
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Agree with your premise.

More kids, the higher the non-custody support payments, he said cynically.
 
I have one sister that is more than 9 years older than me, but I feel more like an only child. When I was old enough to play, she was interested in other things and treated me like crap. She blamed me for a lot of her problems.

Later on she decided that democracy and men are the biggest problems in her life and the reason the USA is no good. I haven't seen her in 21 years, and that was when my dad passed away. I did not see her for 10 years before that, and I have no plans for seeing her in the future.

I got married for the first (and only) time at 51. My wife is much younger. She has hit me with the "I'll be alone when you die" line. That was really on my mind while I was in the hospital bed recovering.

I told her I am ok with adoption. There is an 18 year old Brazilian girl I have had my eye on........
 
Challenged said:
I'm going to use you guys as a free therapy session if you don't mind.

I've never wanted children. I immediately feel like I should apologize for that fact since I think that most people may find it difficult to understand, but it is what it is. I think a lot of people have this sort of internal yearning to have children that they hold inside of them, but for whatever reason I've never felt that way. Now that we've got that out of the way.

It took forever, but eventually I found a woman that's beautiful, caring and doesn't annoy me in any way, so we got married and it's been wonderful. Of course, she wanted children and I didn't so we compromised on that and we had a child. Being a parent is so much easier than I thought it would be ... said no parent ever.

I love my son. He's fun, bright, energetic and generally well behaved, but I do find parenting to be pretty exhausting. I don't want anyone to think that I don't love my child, because I do. We wrestle and I read him books at night and I cheer for him at his soccer matches and do all the things that dads should be doing. I take my responsibilities in life very seriously and taking care of my wife and my child are definitely a responsibility and I do my best at it even though I never felt like it was my calling.

So we're at a point now where I want to do fun things like buy a forever airplane and my wife is wanting another child. I feel like such a bad husband and person when I say that I don't want another child. I feel like I've already sacrificed to have one child as is. So when I look at this question I feel like I'm being selfish and at the same time I also feel like my wife is being selfish in asking me to have yet another child; it's a strange position to be in.

I do like the idea of another child in some aspects, when I think about the fact that it would be nice to have someone else to visit us when we get old or somewhere to fly to in the future to visit them and I know my wife finds raising children fulfilling. I do feel like having another child would expand those future days of enjoyment, but at the same time, there's only so much money and time to go around so I also feel like an additional child will put a damper on doing things that I might find enjoyable in the more present time. I'm generally a person who likes solitary projects of some sort, so even if I were to retire today I feel like I could constantly entertain myself with various projects and be perfectly content.

I do have some friends who only have a single child and they seem fine with it when I ask them about it, but I also have a family friend who had a single child that passed away as a teenager and her husband has since passed away as well and thinking about that sort of possibility punches me in the gut for my wife's future happiness.

I'm not sure I'm expecting any sort of magical resolution here, but I feel better just writing down my thoughts, so thanks for taking the time to listen to my complaints if you made it this far.

Anyone here have just a single child? Are you happy with that decision so far? Anyone a single child themselves? (thanks luvflyin)
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@Challenged,

OHMYGOSH! Without reading the rest of the posts you have just described the situation I was in back in my twenties. I wasn't sure I wanted the responsibility of raising a child (or two, three, or four) of the next generation and felt the first wife and I should be able to afford a few of the nice things (Can't say luxuries) in life. I couldn't help but believe she was the spider leading this poor fly into her trap. She was good at hiding her true intentions and we did wind up having a son. That led me to believe she was not being honest with me from square one and it led to her divorcing me. Given her selfishness I granted her wish. You both have to have a serious talk to determine your future together. One or both of you will have to make concessions if your marriage is going to survive. Couples should be allowed to make their own choices in life but those choices should be mutually agreeable and decided beforehand. First wife was an only, and basically a spoiled brat whose parents (I liked them) let her have her way.

Second wife and I agreed 'no kids' beforehand and our marriage lasted thirty years until she passed, and we did some very enjoyable things and times in life. Some might call it selfish but they are looking at it from their viewpoint (which they are entitled to). I look back at wife number two with admiration purely because she was honest upfront and was also my best friend. Not knowing your wife I will not judge her or try to understand her motives for trying to change your mind about parentage. I will only surmise you two never truly reached a meeting of the minds. I wish you the best in dealing with the situation. From my viewpoint, Stand your ground.

Caveat: I'm not a qualified psychologist, just a guy who went through that situation years ago.
 
Zeldman said:
I told her I am ok with adoption. There is an 18 year old Brazilian girl I have had my eye on........
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Like Thai girls... you'll want to make sure "she" was born a girl before making a decision.
 
I have nothing to add other than this thread is right next to one entitled "static wick". Off to the juxtaposed thread thread. (D'oh just messed it up!)

Seriously, I thought I wanted two kids. We have three. I wouldn't have it any other way. A lot of parenting is like that...
 
I hope to have octuplets one day
 
I've got six. A son, four girls and another son. Oh. My oldest two daughters are twins. Thanks for the buy back, God.
I use the Charlie Chan method of identifying them. #1 Son, #3 Daughter, etc.
Other than being expensive and exhausting it's actually great fun.
You get to play with a lot of really cool toys as they are growing up, and most of the time they entertain themselves, until they reach the age where you are unnecessary, and they totally ignore you.
Then they want to go to college, get married, buy a house, etc, and they need you (and your wallet) again.
My wife claims that I delegated all the growing up to the kids, so I didn't have to grow up at all. I disagree with her assessment.
(BTW: My wife just looked over shoulder my and burst out laughing. She says that in the interests of full disclosure I should tell you I am sitting here in my "Merry Band of Pirates" hat. I don't believe it's relevant.)

You can't compromise on kids, as you are becoming all too aware.
Kids are digital. You have them or you don't.
Just like life.
Also you are battling millions of years of female evolutionary programing to procreate.
You have limited options.
Don't have any more kids, and your wife leaves you, and you pay for the rest of your life.
Suck it up, have kids and be the best Dad humanly possible.
Run away. And pay for the rest of your life.

Good luck.
 
You get a discount for creating new taxpayers.

Use this as your excuse, it’s as mathematically smart as saying you get your mortgage interest back. LOL.
 
Like you, OP, I never wanted kids of my own. At all. End of story.

Back in 2000, I met and fell in love with a recent divorcee who had a 6-year-old son. Before we got married, I told her I would be happy to help raise and support her son, on the condition we not have any more kids. She never fully agreed, but I fought her tooth-and-nail every time she would bring it up, leading to some occasionally epic fights. Then, 10 years ago, I got snipped, which she agreed to, and that was the end of that.

Fast forward to now... her son is 24 and just graduated college. I helped her put him through college and am very proud of him. He and I are very tight. And now that my wife and I are empty-nesters, she's very grateful we didn't have any more.

It's a tough situation and every couple is different. Good luck.
 
At least 2, we had 3. Look at it this way, the more you have, the more likely one of them will take pity on you when you can't take care of yourself any more.
 
I have 1 son and 5 airplanes.
Me and my wife both decided 1 kid was enough.
I guess I could have 3 kids and 0 airplanes like most folks :)
 
DaleB said:
Ask yourself: Will the world be a better place if I increase the number of MY kids in it? Or will I just be contributing to the eventual decline and fall of civilization? If the former, do your duty to God and country and pop out another one. If the latter, well, go buy an airplane.
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timwinters said:
Watch idiocracy before deciding.
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That's what I said. :) Seriously, I thought that movie was hilarious until I realized it was a documentary, not a comedy.
 
pigpenracing said:
I have 1 son and 5 airplanes.
Me and my wife both decided 1 kid was enough.
I guess I could have 3 kids and 0 airplanes like most folks :)
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Wow! What 5 airplanes do you have?

I need to tell my wife so she feels better about my handful of cars!
 
Checkout_my_Six said:
I know one thing....I won't die a lonely man....I will be surrounded by a wonderful bunch of quarreling-but-loving kids. :D

plus...the world needs (4) more conservative right wingers.
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If I start worrying about being lonely, I’ll get a peacock. I hear they are great in providing emotional support.

In the meantime, I have my wife who is 18 years younger than me to keep me company.
 
Checkout_my_Six said:
I know one thing....I won't die a lonely man....I will be surrounded by a wonderful bunch of quarreling-but-loving kids. :D

plus...the world needs (4) more conservative right wingers.
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Your assuming your kids won't rebel and become communists and that they will not just ignore you when you're old.
 
Perfect number of kids, zero. If you care anything about the planet the worse thing you could do is have a kid. I think 7 billion humans us enough. Check out what's happening in Cape Town South Africa, it's the future.
 
As far as your kids taking care of you when you're old, go visit a nursing home sometime. At least their kids dumped them there and not the street.
 
We have 2. A boy and a girl. Well, they're a bit beyond the "boy" and "girl" stage, that's the grandkids now. :D 2 worked fine for us. I have a younger brother and my wife is the middle of 3. Whatever works for you.
 
My wife and I have been married 9 years now and have only recently started trying... or rather removed the encumbrances preventing us from having a kid. A big part of that was that our first few years together were incredibly stressful due to circumstances beyond either of our control and the idea of adding a further complication(a child) was pretty unthinkable. Also, we're both very pragmatic people and while other potential parents think about all the cute and fun stuff we both go to screaming and feces... so it was always a case of liking the idea of it but cringing at the amount of work and responsibility it would bring on us.

Parents always will tell you how great it is and all that... and I'm sure they do love their children but when I watch couples I know and how having a kid has changed their lives it doesn't look so great from my perspective. It kinda looks like it sucks. That said, I don't want to become the stereotype of the "smart" couple in the movie Idocracy.. and I kind of want someone to traumatize enrich with my knowledge and experience. Not to mention someone who has more reason to care about our well being once we become old and feeble than a government worker. My wife is a normal human woman who wants a child despite the feces I think. So... here we go wise or not we'll find out if all the equipment is functional I guess. I just live in complete denial until the day it happens because there is no ready for this, at least not for me.
 
I come from a family with 4 kids and my mom didn't work. I remember saying to my dad that he'd be set financially if he didn't have a family to support, he got a wistful look in is eyes. Or maybe he was trying to figure out how to get away with murder.
 
We were aiming for three. After we had two that turned out perfect, we decided to stop while we are ahead (we are older parents). While every age is fun, they are now at a point (9 & 11) where we start to get something back. They are both smart kids and you can actually maintain a conversation with them. As someone noted above, 'don't blink'. Yesterday it was tele-tubbies and barney the dinosaur and the next thing you are trying to de-bug your kids spaghetti code.

There is never a 'perfect time' to have a kid. Of course you have to look at what resources you have to work with, but the difference in living expenses between having one and two is not all that great. Once you get past 3, you need bigger vans and a larger house, but up to a family size of 4 its all the same. The cost differential comes later. Once the kids get into 'activities' and sports, the money spent scales linearly with the number of rugrats.
 
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