Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled: "Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas ,
then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio .
Then over to Houston and down to Brownsville .
They will proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso ,
Odessa, Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth .
Finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Prius with bumper stickers that reads:

1 "I'm a Democrat"
2 "Amnesty for Illegals"
3 "I love the Dixie Chicks"
4 "Boycott Beef"
5 "I Voted for Obama"
6 "George Strait Sucks"
7 "Reelect Obama in 2012"
and...
8 "I'm here to confiscate your guns"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

God Bless Texas !
 
The Texas doctor had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. ​


But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go." ​


But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: "You’re a veterinarian, you sick bastard."
​
 
I'm new here, my first post, but I absolutely love this joke.

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
 
Tom-D said:
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled: "Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas ,
then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio .
Then over to Houston and down to Brownsville .
They will proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso ,
Odessa, Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth .
Finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Prius with bumper stickers that reads:

1 "I'm a Democrat"
2 "Amnesty for Illegals"
3 "I love the Dixie Chicks"
4 "Boycott Beef"
5 "I Voted for Obama"
6 "George Strait Sucks"
7 "Reelect Obama in 2012"
and...
8 "I'm here to confiscate your guns"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

God Bless Texas !
Click to expand...

 
Reportedly verbatim comments from Catholic elementary school children from bible tests, assigned by their nuns:




1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THETOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
 
Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'





'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
‘Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'



The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'





----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'





------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said,
'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Marriage Humor

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan,
knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
 
John, those are HYSTERICAL. Thanks for posting them!
 
I'll have jokes for two weeks after those. THANKS!
...and I won't give you ANY credit.
 
Re: Adult Male truths

upstateny said:
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Click to expand...


Today - that was about 8:05...
 



In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.


However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.




Below is a perfect example of those teachings:



Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.



An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'




'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.




The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is - to date - unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'































 
An Amish family travelled to New York City. This was the first time any of them had seen a big city and tall buildings. The father and his son were sitting in the hotel lobby, staring at the elevator door watching the flashing lights.

"What's that, father?"

"I have no idea, son. Never seen anything like that in my life. Door to something I reckon."

Just then a very old lady steps in to the elevator and the door closes. A couple minutes later the door opens, and a beautiful 25 year old blonde walks out. Father and son stare at each other in bewilderment.

"Son, go get your mother right now!"
 
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]conversation overheard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 [/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.[/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS, sans-serif]
Iranian Air Defense Site: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'

Air Defense Site: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'

Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!'

Air Defense Site: (.... total silence)
[/FONT]
 
That last part made me think of Monty python.. Ooooo, look at me I don't need subtitles
 
SECONDS before Death (totally unaware).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS TO LIVE

(CHILLING!)





boating accident.jpg

 
Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:(I sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

**********************************************************
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School DropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
***************************************************

 
Proof of Death:

Finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday they both registered to vote in Chicago.
 
denverpilot said:
Proof of Death:

Finally conclusive evidence that Osama bin Laden and Muammar Gaddafi are dead.

Yesterday they both registered to vote in Chicago.
Click to expand...

...and got SSI cards, food stamps, and housing assistance.
 
A salesman is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg. Curiosity finally gets to the salesman. He grins and asks:

“Why does this pig have a wooden leg?”

The farmer glares at the salesman and warns:
...
“You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!” The salesman’s in awe. “Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig saved my life.”

The salesman was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?”

The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!”
 
Tom-D said:
Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is
planning to do one entitled: "Survivor, Texas-Style!"

The 8 contestants will all start in Dallas ,
then drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio .
:nono:Then over to Houston and down to Brownsville .
They will proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso ,
Odessa, Midland , Lubbock , and Amarillo .
From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth .
Finally back to Dallas .

Each will be driving a pink Prius with bumper stickers that reads:

1 "I'm a Democrat"
2 "Amnesty for Illegals"
3 "I love the Dixie Chicks"
4 "Boycott Beef"
5 "I Voted for Obama"
6 "George Strait Sucks"
7 "Reelect Obama in 2012"
and...
8 "I'm here to confiscate your guns"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

God Bless Texas !
Click to expand...

Obviously not a Texan, going from Austin then to Houston, then San Antone' and on down to Brownsville would shave off at least 6 hours. Just sayin...;)
 
I dunno- just thought of that when I was reading it. nothin more
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
Stupid criminals = humor in my book:

Staged?
Click to expand...

Almost certainly staged, the stupid criminal did exactly what was needed for the dog to attack immediately.

Why wear long sleeves (except to "hide" the padding to protect the arm)? Notice that the clerk is wearing short sleeves.

Why stick the gun waaaaay over the counter?

Why did the dog attack immediately?
 
Here is the Ultimate Pilots Watch. I think I'll be getting one.

Short power point; tailored to pilots' attention spans. Just keep clicking to see how it works.
 

Attachments

  • ThePilotsWatch.pps
    241 KB · Views: 74


SCENE AT SAN FRANCISCO CITY HALL




"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply
for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones? Are you related? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers? You can't get married."

"Why not? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender
couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings. That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other.
Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples
who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are
not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman
as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to
marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim; are you going to discriminate against
us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

"Hi. We are here to get married."

"Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert
Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert,
Jane loves me and June, June loves
Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me.

All of us getting married

together is the only way we can express
our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No,

it's just that...well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just
for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor
says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give
us a marriage license!"

"All right, all right.

Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry

yourself? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to
marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it! I quit!! You people are making a mockery of marriage!"














 
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