Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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When Insults Had Class . . .




These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.




A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."




"He had delusions of adequacy "

-Walter Kerr




"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill




"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow




"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)




"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas




"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain




"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde




"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response




"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop




"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright




"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb




"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson




"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating




"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand




"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker




"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain




"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West




"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde




"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)




"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder




"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx
 
Half Fast said:
When Insults Had Class . . .




These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.




A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."




"He had delusions of adequacy "

-Walter Kerr




"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill




"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow




"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)




"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas




"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain




"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde




"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response




"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop




"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright




"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb




"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson




"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating




"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand




"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker




"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain




"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West




"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde




"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)




"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder




"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx
Click to expand...
Wish I could "like" that thrice. Oh, for the times when wit trumped shocking vulgarity...
 
Half Fast said:
When Insults Had Class . . .




These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.




A member of Parliament to Disraeli:"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."




"He had delusions of adequacy "

-Walter Kerr




"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill




"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow




"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)




"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas




"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain




"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde




"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."
-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-Winston Churchill, in response




"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop




"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright




"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb




"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson




"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating




"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand




"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker




"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain




"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West




"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde




"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)




"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder




"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx
Click to expand...

Problem is nowadays most folk would not understand they are being insulted.
 
Oh, my. Quick witted insults always remind me of:

Mark Gastineau in the NY Jets locker room decides to punk a female reporter. He drops his towel and shakes what he’s got at her. He says, “What do you think of THIS?” She say, “It looks like a penis...only smaller.”
 
Hamburgers are second degree vegetarian. The cow ate no meat.
 
hair in my soup
 

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Lady Astor approached Winston Churchill at a party

Lady Astor ... shame on you Sir Winston ... you are drunk in public.

Churchill ... Yes , but tomorrow I shall be sober , and you will still be ugly .

.
 
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A government inspector was sent to the local hospital to make sure it was operating efficiently.

He noticed a nurse collecting the plastic center out of the empty bandage rolls and asked why .... she replied .... we save them and return them to Johnson and Johnson and for every 10 empties they give us 1 new roll of bandages free.

Why do you color the plaster casts on children ??? .... she replied .... we charge the parents $1 , the food coloring only costs 10 cents , and the children love it.

Why do you save the foreskins when you do a circumcision ??? ... she replied .... we mail them to the government and once a year , right about this time , they send us a complete prick.

.
 
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A young Arab passes away and is excited to get to paradise where he is met by the gatekeeper

GATEKEEPER ..... welcome to paradise , we have 3 sections -Jews -Christians -Muslims so choose the one you want
ARAB ................ my Imam promised me 72 virgins would be waiting for me in paradise , so take me to them please
GATEKEEPER .... are you sure ?? ... it is not what you are expecting .... virgins are hard to find
ARAB ......... never mind the small details , I want my 72 virgins and the feast that was promised to me
GATEKEEPER .... very well , but you will not be able to change your mind afterwards.
ARAB ............. I will take my chances , I am too hungry and too horny to care about details
GATEKEEPER ..... very well , follow me

The ARAB is surprised when the GATEKEEPER unlocks the entrance to the Catholic section ..... he is led into a large building with multiple doors and above one door is a sign .... BANQUET HALL for FEASTING VIRGINS

ARAB ..... OK ..... it is fine with me if it is in the Christian section .... open the door and let me in please.

The Gatekeeper unlocks the door , the Arab steps in ... and finds the room is full of Elderly Roman Catholic Nuns feasting on Roast Pork

.
 
CharlieD3 said:
We know how to avoid controlled spaces...
Click to expand...

I'll be honest, it took me a couple of tries to figure out that the brown rectangle was supposed to be a door, and that confused me a bit - have you ever seen a door with the doorknob in the center? I thought he was walking by a window shutter or something.
 
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