Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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You know what light beer and having sex in a canoe have in common?






They are both F——ing near water!
 
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T . Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi
 
luvflyin said:
Ya gotta wonder when and where he got that number. He spit it right out without looking at anything. Was it a set up? Did someone pull the ol’ “Sum Ting Wong” on him
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That number is correct. There are 38 Million people with addresses in the Seoul Metropolitan Area. The actual Taek-byul-shi (Special City) of Seoul has 9 Million residents.

What we call "Seoul" would be the equivalent to saying "Los Angeles" and that would include pretty much all the coastal and inland cities from the ocean to the desert.

It's a pretty damn big area, in other words...
 
Half Fast said:
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number ?
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A guy I worked with went around the office asking people how many times they had been married. He determined that women got married more times than men.
 
Capt. Geoffrey Thorpe said:
A guy I worked with went around the office asking people how many times they had been married. He determined that women got married more times than men.
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More widows getting remarried than widowers?

Why do husbands usually die before their wives? They want to!
 
Been married 47 years. I would have done less time for murder.
 
IK04 said:
That number is correct. There are 38 Million people with addresses in the Seoul Metropolitan Area. The actual Taek-byul-shi (Special City) of Seoul has 9 Million residents.

What we call "Seoul" would be the equivalent to saying "Los Angeles" and that would include pretty much all the coastal and inland cities from the ocean to the desert.

It's a pretty damn big area, in other words...
Click to expand...

Ah
 
The wife wanted something really special for Valentine's Day. She said she wanted something "shiny." Told her I needed more information so she says,"shiny & fast!"

I asked just how fast she was talking about ... "I want something that goes from zero to one fifty when I get on it."

So I bought her a bathroom scale!
 
wayne said:
2019: Stay away from negative people.

2020: Stay away from positive people. :eek:
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Remember: an apple a day keeps the Doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everybody away.
 
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