Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Ryanb said:
Funny joke.

Onto another subject, I did see that he solo’d a student the other day on Facebook. He’s still alive and kicking.
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I just noticed he was un-(thing that cannot be discussed)
 
Hawker800 said:
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Can't remember if I got this off here or not. But it relates. :)

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^^^

Our local craft brewery is taking advantage of the Romaine lettuce scare by reminding people that the empty cripser drawers in your refrigerator can be used for extra beer storage.
 
Just celebrated my 29th wedding anniversary. It's tough trying to make the wife happy. Got to spend a lot of money and go on nice vacations. For example, for our 25th, I took her to China. On our 30th, I'm going to pick her up.
 
Sent from TSA scanning facts
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
TSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results:

2017 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :
Terrorists Discovered. 0
Transvestites. 133
Hernias. 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates. 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes. 3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
 
Let'sgoflying! said:
Sent from TSA scanning facts
FULL BODY SCANS AT AIRPORTS
TSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results:

2017 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From TSA :
Terrorists Discovered. 0
Transvestites. 133
Hernias. 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates. 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes. 3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
Click to expand...

And everyone says it's just theater with no results!
 
Heard this one in college from an American teaching a French language class:

Why are the boulevards of Paris lined with trees?













So the German army can march in the shade. :eek:

:D
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch"

Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, ok, we were watching porn.

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
 
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer..

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends; but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?

The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way....

Things are going to get ugly..
 
Not to offend anybody, but....

It Snowed Last Night..

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes
 
I know the pictorial was in jest, but dad told me about the day the truck of German soldiers pulled up to their farm and drafted his father (my grandfather). To hear my dad talk it would certainly have been a day they'd later regret.





Hawker800 said:
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I apologize if this has been posted before. I'm not reading 121 pages to check. Also, I'm not waiting til Friday:

AVIATION DEFINITIONS:

AIRSPEED - Speed of an airplane. (Deduct 25% when listening to a retired fighter pilot.)

BANK - The folks who hold the lien on most pilots' cars.

CARBURETOR ICING - A phenomenon reported to the FAA by pilots immediately after they run out of gas.

CONE OF CONFUSION - An area about the size of New Jersey located near the final approach fix at an airport.

DEAD RECKONING - You reckon correctly, or you are.

DESTINATION - Geographical location 30 minutes beyond the pilot's bladder saturation point.

ENGINE FAILURE - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks mysteriously become filled with low-octane air.

FIREWALL - Section of the aircraft specifically designed to funnel heat and smoke into the cockpit.

FLIGHT FOLLOWING - Formation flying.

GLIDE DISTANCE - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.

HYDROPLANE - An airplane designed to land long on a short and wet runway.

LEAN MIXTURE - Nonalcoholic beer.

MINI MAG LITE - Device designed to support the AA battery industry.

NANOSECOND - Time delay between the Low Fuel Warning light and the onset of engine failure.

PARASITIC DRAG - A pilot who bums a ride and complains about the service.

RICH MIXTURE - What you order at another pilot's promotion party.

ROGER - Used when you're not sure what else to say.

SECTIONAL CHART - Any chart that ends 25 nm short of your destination.

SERVICE CEILING - Altitude at which cabin crew can serve drinks.

SPOILERS - FAA Inspectors.

STALL - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late.

STEEP BANKS - Banks that charge pilots more than 10% interest.

TURN & BANK INDICATOR - An instrument largely ignored by pilots.

USEFUL LOAD - Volumetric capacity of the aircraft, disregarding weight.

WAC CHART - Directions to the Army female barracks.

YANKEE - Any pilot who has to ask New Orleans tower to "Say again".
 
don't know if this is a joke or not, but when your parachute doesn't open, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
 
What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK, "DAMNIT!"

A bad skydiver goes, "DAMNIT", WHACK.
 
Brad Smith said:
What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, WHACK, "DAMNIT!"

A bad skydiver goes, "DAMNIT", WHACK.
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My wife used to drag me to her cow-orkers parties, and those guys always talked boring stuff like golf. They'd complain about a bad round of golf, losing x number of balls in the woods. When I'm out strafing mountain roads on the motorcycle, if I have a bad day, *I* go into the woods. Or the same could be said about a bad instrument approach. I never could relate to those guys...
 
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