Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

1622720_671825992874918_1611080147_n.png
 
Lorie was feeding the baby he would spit it out, she would scrap it off his chin and stick it back in his mouth. She then told the Baby, " if it's in your mouth, swallow", turning to her husband, and said "you shut up".
 
auto correct.
 

Attachments

  • enama.jpg
    enama.jpg
    35.3 KB · Views: 138
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
 
For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense.

Leviticus 20:13 says "if a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!

:goofy:
 






My cousin was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas ...
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper ...
Trooper walks up to the door ...
Jeramy ... Can I help you officer ?
Trooper .. was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held.
 
Number7 said:






My cousin was hauling a load of rolled sod to Texas ...
Gets pulled over by Louisiana state trooper ...
Trooper walks up to the door ...
Jeramy ... Can I help you officer ?
Trooper .. was just wondering where the Willie Nelson concert was being held.
Click to expand...

Dem some BIG doobies!! :yikes:
 
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "**** off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
 
Sad news to share...

My wife told me to start fishing again. I told her that Sam had a boat and was looking for a fishing partner. Wife said have fun.

When I got home she asked me how we did. I showed her a picture of Sam holding our fish. I am no longer allowed to go fishing with Sam.

attachment.php
 

Attachments

  • Sam_11885165_535466529952701_3942162957794303699_n.jpg
    Sam_11885165_535466529952701_3942162957794303699_n.jpg
    29.2 KB · Views: 481
A young man dressed in overalls and sneakers walked into the small town Cadillac dealership and looked around. The salesman walked up to him and asked, "May I help you sonny?" The young man turned square to the old codgy salesman and said, "Yes sir! How much is that automobile right there?" The salesman sized him up with a glance and said, "That fine piece of American Engineering costs $34,724.54" The young man retorted, "That's very nice, but what will it do?" "What do you mean, what will it do?", replied the salesman. "I mean, how fast will it go?" Boastfully, the salesman said, "This Cadillac will easily go 100mph." The young confident man said, "Well I can do that in a foot race." The salesman said, "Son, if you can run with this car at 100mph, I'll give it to you no charge." The young man proudly shook his hand and pronounced, "You have a deal!"

The whole dealership walked outside to the road to watch as the young man took off. The salesman gingerly backed the car out of the dealership and got onto the road. As he saw the young man running he looked down at the speedometer and he noticed that they were doing 45mph.

Astounded, he mashed the accelerator and took the car up to 65mph, and there was the young man running abreast of him.

Determined not to have to give the car away, he stomped on the pedal and took it up to 100mph, which is where he began to lose the young man.

Satisfied that he'd won the bet, he turned around and drove back to where the young man was. His overalls were tattered, he was beat and bruised up and a little bloody and dusty, but he was otherwise okay along with a bit of hard breathing after pulling himself out of the ditch.

The salesman said, "Son, are you alright? What happened?" The young man replied, "Sir, you ever have a sneaker blow out on you at 95mph?"
 
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn't intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.
 
TangoWhiskey said:
Sad news to share...

My wife told me to start fishing again. I told her that Sam had a boat and was looking for a fishing partner. Wife said have fun.

When I got home she asked me how we did. I showed her a picture of Sam holding our fish. I am no longer allowed to go fishing with Sam.

attachment.php
Click to expand...


What fish???
 
A woman was having a medical problem - her husband was snoring very loudly and every night! So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."



"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband" said the doctor, "but it is really rather expensive. It will cost you $50,000 down, and payments of $2000 for 36 months, plus payments for extras of course."


"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "that sounds like I'm buying a plane!"



"Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"
 
(For those who participate in SZ? ;) )

Subject: When insults had class




These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease".
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.".

"He had delusions of adequacy.".
- Walter Kerr.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.".
- Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.".
- Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.".
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it.".
- Moses Hadas.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.".
- Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.".
- Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one.".
- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one.".
- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here.".
- Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator.".
- John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.".
- Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.".
- Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.".
- Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.".
- Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.".
- Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?".
- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.".
- Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.".
- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.".
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912).

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.".
- Billy Wilder.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it.".
- Groucho Marx
 
Who enjoys sex more, a man or a woman?

A man and a woman were having drinks at a business conference when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with having intercourse?” “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”
 
Found this in the POA archives posted by Gkainz

An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans,
spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink, she turned to the cowboy and asked
him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I have
spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses,
mending fences. I guess I am."

After a short while, he asked her what she was.

She replied, "I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about
women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I
eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of
women."

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out
that I'm a lesbian."
 
Q. What do you get when you fill a room with 50 lesbians and 50 Caltrans workers?

A. 100 people that don't do deeock.
 
Sac Arrow said:
Q. What do you get when you fill a room with 50 lesbians and 50 Caltrans workers?

A. 100 people that don't do deeock.
Click to expand...

For those of you not in the-know, CalTrans is a State agency that is in charge of maintaining state roads...
 
With Yogi's passing I heard one that I hadn't heard before.
"Be sure to attend your friends funeral, or they might not come to yours".
 
The train was quite crowded, so a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle...



The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'



The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'



The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.’



She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'



This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, threw it out of the train window, and sat down.



The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!'



An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

'Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ***** out of the window.'
 
A wife decided to give her husband a special treat for his birthday, and took him to a strip club. As they approached the building, the bouncer said:

"Hi Jim! Good to see you again, how are you doing?"

The wife gives Jim a fierce stare.

"Honey, he's a player on my softball team. Look, big guy, big arms. Relax."

The go into the club and sit down at the bar for a drink. The bartender comes up.

"Hi Jimmy. The usual?"

The wife turn to him, her eyes now giving him the icy stare of death. "Don't tell me, he's on your dart team?" All Jimmy can do is nod.

After a few minutes of frosty silence, the couple is approached by one of the strippers.

"Hi Jimmy, I'm here for you all night. Just let me know if you want the special again."

At that, the wife takes off and stops out through the door, dragging poor Jim with her. She flags down a cab waiting outside, and they get in.

"Hi Jimmy" says the cab driver. "You got yourself a really ugly one this time."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top