Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives. After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey Batman what's for dinner?" =))
 
John Baker said:
"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol."

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fiercepredator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

ABeretta Jetfiretestimonial.

Here is her story:

While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma,Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus ... the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
Click to expand...

WHAT THE HELL...I am from Houma, Louisiana...
 
So there's a group of four old guys who are college buddies that get together every couple of years to swap stories and update each other on their lives. They were talking about their sons.

"Yeah my son turned out great. He owns an exclusive Maserati dealership. The whole chain in the country in fact" says Old Guy #1.

Old Guy #2 chimes in with "Yeah my son is a rich stockbroker who manages multiple portfolios and owns several."

"Uh huh. Yeah, well my son is one of the wealthiest real estate brokers in the Eastern United States. He owns a hundred houses" #3 retorts.

Number 4 sits back and thinks for a minute. "Well, to be honest with you, my son turned out to be gay. I'm not exactly sure what he does, but whatever he's doing, he must be doing it right, because his last three boyfriends gave him a Maserati, a stock portfolio and a house."
 
A man from Kuala Lumpur tells his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for the weekend.
He informs her that he will fly on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370 (the missing plane).
Now ......... He's been stuck for 4 weeks in his girlfriend’s house and doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home.
 
Now...This is REALLY Interesting and, certainly, explains A Whole Lot! "1947 & 1948"






The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947 , a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico ..

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden

This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.

And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.
 
John Baker said:
Now...This is REALLY Interesting and, certainly, explains A Whole Lot! "1947 & 1948"






The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947 , a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico ..

This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born:

Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
Joe Biden

This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.

I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.

And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.
Click to expand...

That really is funny given that only two people on that list were born in 1948 - and those were not in in April.
 
I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives I looked around my house to find things I’d started and hadn’t finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box o’ choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner ****. An telum u luvum.
 
Two little old ladies, Connie & Evelyn were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!' 'You're on!' said Evelyn, holding up a $10.00 bill. So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd. 'What happened?' asked Evelyn.'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement.'

Life is short! Break the rules!
 
A student played high school basketball. He was a great power
forward, but a really poor student.

At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great basketball star & the students held a rally & demanded the principal give him a diploma anyway because they thought he was "entitled". They were so insistent that the principal agreed if Darqueeze could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The principal was on the stage & told him to come up. The principal had the diploma in his hand and said, "Darqueeze, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready & the principal asked him the question. "Darqueeze," he said, "How much is three
times seven?"

He looked up at the ceiling & the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The other students began chanting,

"Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then he held up his hand & the auditorium became silent. he said, "I think
I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium & all the other students began another
chant.

"Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
 
A little under two hours left here in my time zone...

u7eqatag.jpg
 
Two workmen were sitting in a pub drinking and arguing about which pub they should visit next. "The Rose and Crown's the closest," said the first workman. "No, the Elephant and Castle is closer!" said the second workman. So they decided to go to the Elephant and Castle. On their way to the pub, a ferocious lion, which had escaped from the zoo, lunged at them, but was killed by anti-aircraft fire from a search plane overhead.

Stepping over the beast's body, they went on to the Elephant and Castle, thereby proving that the shortest distance between two pints is a strafed lion.
 
A distiguished marine biologist was working on ways to extend the life of dolphins. She discovered that changes in diet would keep them alive (and healthy and happy) almost indefinitely. The diet consisted of baby sea gulls. She went out to get some and when she returned, she found a lion asleep on her lab's doorstep. Given that the lion was asleep, she simply stepped over it and entered the lab.

She was immediately arrested for transporting young gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

John

No seagulls, lions or porpoises were harmed in the telling of this joke.
 
jsstevens said:
A distiguished marine biologist was working on ways to extend the life of dolphins. She discovered that changes in diet would keep them alive (and healthy and happy) almost indefinitely. The diet consisted of baby sea gulls. She went out to get some and when she returned, she found a lion asleep on her lab's doorstep. Given that the lion was asleep, she simply stepped over it and entered the lab.

She was immediately arrested for transporting young gulls over a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

John

No seagulls, lions or porpoises were harmed in the telling of this joke.
Click to expand...

 
So Little Johnny was in his room reading a porn, and his mom walked in and caught him with it. She immediately grabbed the magazine and said "Just wait until your father gets home!"

So later that evening, Johnny's dad came home and was immediately cornered by Johnny's mother. "Look what Johnny was reading! What do you think I should do?"

The father leafed through the magazine. "Hmm. I'm not sure, but whatever you do, you probably better not spank him."
 
A man walks into the doctors office Friday at 6pm and says:

"Doc I need two Viagra. I am planning a great weekend."
Doc says- "At your age, I should just give you one Viagra and you split it in half."
Man says- "C'mon Doc, I've got two really fine ladies coming over this weekend, I need two Viagras"
Doc says- "I'm about to close. But I'll tell you what, here are the two Viagra, come back on Monday, we'll do the paperwork then and you can tell me all about your weekend."
The man swallows the Viagra and says, "Okay Doc, I'll see you on Monday"

Monday morning the man walks into the office with his arm in a sling.
The Doc says, "That must have been one heck of a weekend! What happened?"
Man says, "Neither one of those bit**es showed up"
 
A crusty old man walks into the local Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor "And is this ***** giving you a hard time?"
 
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travelers here."
A time traveler walks into a bar.
________________________________________

Rene' Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies, "I think not", and promptly disappears.
 
A coin sits next to a bar and says "Move over, you f-ing ingot!"
 
I was having lunch with a friend from Punjab and this popped into my head:

If I were from India, I would start a Metallica cover band called "Sikh and Destroy"


P.S. it helps if you know they have a song called seek and destroy.

Happy Friday!
 
If you have to explain it....

...you might be Norm MacDonald.
 
EdFred said:
If you have to explain it....

...you might be Norm MacDonald.
Click to expand...


Yeah I know but I have deduced that the median age of pilots at my EAA meetings puts them in the category of likely not sharing my taste in music.
 
SSSSS! Boom! Bah!






.
.
.
What is the sound of an exploding sheep?
 
A research group was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had recently focused their attention on a particular species of porpoise, which they studied from their floating laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to believe that, if fed just the right combination of nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory, live forever.

To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a team of researchers off to gather a specimen.

It turns out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare, living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to approach and climb the tree.

A suggestion was made that the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts and lay down upon the grass to sleep and to digest their meal.

One of the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions, climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...

"Transporting mynahs across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
 
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
 
(but wait, there's more...)

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
 
Tne reason the Armed Services have trouble communicating is that they have very different meanings for the same terms;



The Joint Chiefs once told the Navy to "secure a building," to which they responded by turning off the lights and locking the doors.



The Joint Chiefs then instructed Army personnel to "secure the building," and they posted a guard so no one could enter.



Upon receiving the exact same order, the Marines assaulted the building, captured it, and set up defences with suppressive fire and amphibious assault vehicles, established reconnaissance and communications channels, and prepared to defend it by fire and close combat.



But the Air Force, on the other hand, took out a three-year lease with an option to buy...
 
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'


'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.


But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'


'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.


'Did you, ER, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'


'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out,'I have to admit that I did.'


'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'


Keith's face turned beet red and he said,


'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'


'She just died and left me everything.'
 
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