Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by A local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, Idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major For conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks Like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You Know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this thewrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit takingeverything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-factvoice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists, 2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat
from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral: Never put a woman to the test.
 
Why are men like ceramic tiles?

Because if they are laid correctly the first time you can walk on them for a lifetime.
 
A young farm lad from North Iowa goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.

Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at Iowa State that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course.So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.His father sends the money.

The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a ***** before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

(The kid went on to be a successful lawyer......)
 
An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get
a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for
murder at midnight.

His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about,
"What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told
that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to
give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by
the sight of her husband's' rear end as he was bent over naked drying his
legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

"FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP??
 
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife
Of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and
Great grandchildren. Yesterday,! I picked up two
College girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,
Where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."
 
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos."
​
 
Re: Man Of the House!

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The MAN Of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The mortician would be my first guess."
 
Re: WORK or PRISON???

> Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, here's a handy
>reference:
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
>
> AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in 8x8 cubicle.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You get 3 meals a day.
>
> AT WORK: You get 1 break a day and have to pay for it.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You get time off for good behaviour.
>
> AT WORK: You get more work for good behaviour.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
>
> AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors
>yourself.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
>
> AT WORK: You get sacked for the above.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
>
> AT WORK: You share a toilet with people who pee on the seat.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: They allow your friends and family to visit.
>
> AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
>
> AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to work and they > > deduct
>taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You spend most of your time behind bars wanting to get out.
>
> AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
>bars.
>
>
>
> IN PRISON: You deal with sadistic wardens.
>
> AT WORK: They are called managers.
 
"Hello and thank you for calling Dorthea Dix Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mothership.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."

 
Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find."
 
hinx483wxcho.jpg
 
Lipstick in School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was
recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were
beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was
fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to
the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance
man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been
to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how
much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.
 
The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 40 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with Iraq.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and
city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are , Sitting on your a$$, At your computer, reading
jokes.

Nice. Real nice.
 
Faa Nprm

Section I - No pilot or pilots, or person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a pilot or pilots may try, or attempt to try or make, or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Aviation Regulations, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Administrator.

Section II - If a pilot, or group of associate pilots becomes aware of, or realizes, or detects, or discovers, or finds that he or she, or they, are or have been beginning to understand the Aviation Regulations, they must immediately, within three (3) days notify, in writing, the Administrator.

Section III - Upon receipt of the above-mentioned notice of impending comprehension, the Administrator shall immediately rewrite the Aviation Regulations in such a manner as to eliminate any further comprehension hazards.

Section IV - The Administrator may, at his or her discretion, require the offending pilot or pilots to attend remedial instruction in Aviation Regulations until such time that the pilot is too confused to be capable of understanding anything.
 
Upset Wife

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset!

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied:

"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began:

"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.

"He took a quick breath and continued:

"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, "Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
 
Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
[FONT=comic#10]Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name"[/FONT]

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
 
Negative People:


This is something to think about when negative people
are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the
next time someone who knows nothing and cares less makes your life
miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the
hairdresser, who responded " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome .
So, how are you getting there?"


"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a
great rate!"


"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a
terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are
ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's
Tiber River called Teste."


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody
thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is
surly and they're overpriced. Whatcha doing when you get there?"


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see
the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser." You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdress er asked her about her trip to Rome


"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were
we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me
hand and foot. And the hotel was great. They'd just finished a $5
million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the
city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the
Vatican , a Swiss G uard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the
Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step
into his private room and wait, Pope would personally greet me! . Sure
enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"


"He said, 'Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?'"
 
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '."




$5.00 says you're gonna read this again! :goofy: :rofl:
 
kevin47881 said:
Two teenage boys were out of school on summer break and decided to earn some money.
They knock on a neighbors door and inform him they would like to earn money.
The neighbor asks what they can do.
First boy says "I can chop wood".
Second boy says "I'm a pilot".
The neighbor thinks for a moment and tells the second boy he'll hire him.
The first boy asks "why are you hiring him and not me mister".
The neighbor responds: well, you can chop wood but your friend is a pilot.
Well yea, says the first boy, but he can't pile it (pilot) until I chop it.
Click to expand...

I think it should be, 'Second boy says "I pilot."'
 
Heard this one from one of the guys up at CAD a couple of weeks ago...

Q: What's the difference between an Airbus and a Chainsaw?




















A: About 300 trees per minute! :rofl:
 
Friday was yesterday, but.......

Bruce and Jenny

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they
are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to
him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you
for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a
moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger
than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Jenny." Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our
allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's
about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
By this time, Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much
thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something
that Bruce won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well
Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have
one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have
little ones of your own?" Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well,
we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable
 
I know it's only Thursday, but I thought this one was cute...


The Cardiologist and the Mechanic...


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit
surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the
motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So
Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it
works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) and you get

the really big bucks($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically
the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the

mechanic...
'Try doing it with the engine running."
 
Last week I was in Florida attending to some estate business. Well the drivers there can be very interesting, especailly the grey haired snow birds.

Well one day on the news there was live video of a car chase through Tampa I think. The car chase started when a sheriff's deputy spotted a little old driving at a high rate of speed and erratically will knitting.

She would not pull to the side of the road and the single sheriff's car was joined by others and still she would not stop. She was going through red lights and stops without any regard for other traffic all the while knitting.

Finally one sheriff's car pull along side of her and through the PA say 'PULLOVER!!"

She rolls down her window and say "NO IT A SWEATER"

:) :)
 
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance
of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he
passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next
morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and
he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

MEMORANDUM

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do.
Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole
orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems
unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be
drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could
be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an
excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be
rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be
possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage
that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant
passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours
to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his
musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have
stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.
In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given
attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been
finished by now.
 
DUI Sobriety Test

It seems like a valid measure!
 

Attachments

  • DUI_Info.wmv
    901.1 KB · Views: 122
Two ints and a Float are in a bar. They spot an attractive Double on her own. The first int walks up to her. “Hey, baby”, he says, “my VM or yours”. She slaps him and he walks back dejected.
The second int walks over. “Hey, cute-stuff, can I cook your Beans for breakfast”. After a quick slapping, he too walks back.
The Float then ambles over casually. “Were those two primitive types bothering you?”, he remarks.
“Yes. I’m so glad you’re here”, she says. “They just had no Class!”





(Don't kill me!)
 
etsisk said:
Hey, it could happen! :no:
Click to expand...
Hey, one person in history has been reported to have risen from the dead. Irishmen walking out of a bar has at least the same chance of happening.:goofy:
 
Two muffins are in an oven.

One muffin says, "Man, it's hot in here."

The other says, "MAN! A talking muffin!!!!"
 
A young warrior goes to the big tribal chief with a gripe.

"Oh great chief, I want to change my name"

"Why young warrior? I chose your name according to tribal tradition"

"I hate my name and all the other warriors make fun of me!"

"Oh young warrior, you know how this works. When each child is born I travel into the forest and seek inspiration from the first thing I see. Where do you thing Leaping Elk, Growling Bear and Soaring Eagle got their names? It was devine inspriation!"

"But great chief, can't you make one exception to the rule??"

"Well let me tell ya, Two Dogs Screwing, if I do it for you, I'll have to do it for everyone!"



have a great weekend! tc
 
Back in the 1920s when it was very rare for an Indian from a reservation to attend college a young Shoshone really stood out. He was so bright he was accepted to Caltech where he got a degree in Electrical Engineering. During those 4 years the tribe almost starved to pay his way. After graduation he wanted to do something for the tribe to thank them. He figured electric lights in the bath house would both use the knowledge he obtained and help keep the elders safe for their late night trips.

He went on to be famous as the first American ever to wire a head for a reservation.

Sorry.
 
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