Incurable bone cancer

AuntPeggy

AuntPeggy

Final Approach
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My friend told us over coffee that he has incurable bone cancer. He is losing weight -- already was a healthy weight, now losing. Otherwise he seems healthy, but is taking hands-full of pills. He says a marrow transplant is out of the question. His wife recently overcame cancer. They are taking trips, fulfilling bucket list. I don't know what to say or do. Don't want to overreact. Don't want to appear unconcerned. Any advice.
 
If he wants to spend time with you, make the time. Otherwise sounds like he has a good plan to run the clock out.
 
AuntPeggy said:
My friend told us over coffee that he has incurable bone cancer. He is losing weight -- already was a healthy weight, now losing. Otherwise he seems healthy, but is taking hands-full of pills. He says a marrow transplant is out of the question. His wife recently overcame cancer. They are taking trips, fulfilling bucket list. I don't know what to say or do. Don't want to overreact. Don't want to appear unconcerned. Any advice.
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People stop calling when they hear you have cancer. You almost feel like a leper. You sound like a good friend, so keep calling. Also, except for pancreatic cancer, I understand bone cancer is one of the more painful ones. Say some prayers.
 
Ugh. That sucks.

I'm no expert, but have been through similar. My advice - just mention your feelings, "That really sucks, I'm so sorry to hear about this."

Depending on how well you know each other, offer to bring over dinners once in a while when they are too busy dealing with things. Maybe the offer of being able to come over for coffee and a chat would go a long way. But let them accept, don't push it.

Other than that, they need their own time together to enjoy the time they have left with each other.
 
I have a friend right now waiting to hear whether he's got lung cancer. :(

We ain't getting off this planet alive, kids. Go fly, often and long.
 
My wife and I have a very good friend. She married a very obese man, put herself through law school, made a very respectable career for herself, contributed primarily to the household income, and bore him two beautiful children. He had surgery, lost a lot of weight, suddenly decided he was now god's gift to women. The wife learns she has cancer. He leaves her and hooks up with some ... interloper. He convinces the divorce court that he's the better parent, since she's dying. He takes the kids out of their beautiful Victorian home, hundreds of miles away to live in a trailer with the mistress. Since then, he has been stringing out the court proceedings waiting for the wife to die, all the whole poisoning the minds of her children against her. MD Anderson has done all it can. It's been five years. A more villainous thing could not happen to a lovelier person. My wife stays in touch with her via Facebook. The lady keeps a very positive attitude, at least publicly. God bless your friend. Keep in touch with her. Let her know you still care. There's nothing more you can do, and it will be a blessing to her. My prayers to you too, AP.
 
Well, regardless of how healthy your lifestyle but cancer is in your genes, you can't do anything about it. Perhaps, consider talking to your friend and doing enjoyable things.
 
enriquegill012 said:
Well, regardless of how healthy your lifestyle but cancer is in your genes, you can't do anything about it. Perhaps, consider talking to your friend and doing enjoyable things.
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The lifestyle choices people genetically predisposed to cancer make will influence when and how those cancer genes make their stage debut.
 
You don't necessarily have to say anything and you should avoid well-meant but trite remarks and condolences/reassurances. As was mentioned earlier, the best thing you can do is just be there and be a friend. Personally, I think that "giving them space" is just a way to avoid the awkwardness and not what a good friend would do. He's still alive and this is your chance to share experiences and make new memories. I'm sure there will be times when his mood is bad but he doesn't plan to spend the rest of his life grieving for himself. Hang out with them while he's healthy and help out when he's not.

I think it's worth repeating that you don't have to say anything. Just being there can mean a lot and crying when they cry or laughing when they laugh can provide a lot of comfort. There's not a lot you can do but nobody wants to go through this crap alone.
 
If you're already a good friend, then I think you should change nothing other than to offer whatever help you can in fulfilling his / their bucket list. Keep calling, visiting, inviting, and so forth with neither a decrease in intensity that suggests that you're pulling away, nor an increase that is smothering or suggests pity. And don't be morbid.

I'm basing this on what two family members who had cancer (one still may -- the jury's out on whether it's all gone) have said about their struggles. They said that normality was one of the things they missed the most. A cancer patient's life revolves too much around the cancer, and it's made worse because some people withdraw, not knowing how to deal with it; while others smother the patient with friendship, meaning well, but also intensifying the fact that cancer has taken center stage in the person's life.

Rich
 
Cancer is not a communicable disease. Just keep being their friend and keep doing what you've always done together. Help out where you can.
My Dad passed away 30 years ago doing what he always did. A beer and a shot at the club with his buddies every afternoon til the last day. I regret that I didn't live close by. I would have spent more time with him.
 
AuntPeggy said:
My friend told us over coffee that he has incurable bone cancer. He is losing weight -- already was a healthy weight, now losing. Otherwise he seems healthy, but is taking hands-full of pills. He says a marrow transplant is out of the question. His wife recently overcame cancer. They are taking trips, fulfilling bucket list. I don't know what to say or do. Don't want to overreact. Don't want to appear unconcerned. Any advice.
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I had a similar experience. I didn't know what to say or do, so I did very little. I reached out, but Clay was pushing people away - his way of trying to protect us I think.

What you're feeling is confusion because you don't know what to do. Keep doing what you do with him, maybe a little more.
 
The very best thing you can do is treat them as you always have. On the backside of this, most of my family still treat me as if I am sick. Quite honestly, I'm the only one in the whole family that has regular check ups and scans of my entire body.

Here's a good list of what NOT to say.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nikhil-joshi/10-things-to-not-say_b_5296916.html

Based on my experience, please pay particular attention to #1. My neighbor, a 50 year oilfield worker told me that he was positive "I'd be OK" every time he saw me. I was always tempted to ask him "based on what experience?", but I held my tongue.

One other one that is not mentioned - "Please let me know if you need anything at all". Yeah, really? So, if I have a bowel movement problem or I throw up all over the house at 3am, you'll come clean it up no questions asked? Really? Instead, tell people what you're willing to do. Example - I grocery shop on Tuesdays, I'd be happy to pick up anything you need. I will call you Monday night to check if you need anything.
 
Thanks for the link. I actually did something like the #1 of things TO SAY. When he asked whether I'd seen his new Facebook profile picture I told him what a handsome, professional gentleman he looks like.

I appreciate all the good advice.
 
Be as supportive ,as he will let you. Most people run from the sick. Enjoy your time in that persons company.
 
I am sorry to hear about your friend. You received Some good advice so I add much more other than perhaps to let them know you are there for them.
 
AuntPeggy said:
My friend told us over coffee that he has incurable bone cancer. He is losing weight -- already was a healthy weight, now losing. Otherwise he seems healthy, but is taking hands-full of pills. He says a marrow transplant is out of the question. His wife recently overcame cancer. They are taking trips, fulfilling bucket list. I don't know what to say or do. Don't want to overreact. Don't want to appear unconcerned. Any advice.
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Party with him.
 
My pal who I went in the Air Force with died of bone cancer two years ago. Not only were there no party's but it eventually broke him financially. My wife and I had to buy him fuel oil so his house could be heated while he died. We simply visited every week to say hi and help his wife get food, get the oil changed in their car, etc. It really should not be that way in a country this wealthy. He had worked hard, had his own company for many years, put his kids thru college, etc. But they had family's and expenses also.
 
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Jimmy cooper said:
My pal who I went in the Air Force with died of bone cancer two years ago. Not only were there no party's but it eventually broke him financially. My wife and I had to buy him fuel oil so his house could be heated while he died. We simply visited every week to say hi and help his wife get food, get the oil changed in their car, etc. It really should not be that way in a country this wealthy. He had worked hard, had his own company for many years, put his kids thru college, etc. But they had family's and expenses also.
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He should have stayed in the AF, at least the VA could have screwed him at a VA hospital. while his wife starved because they took all his bennies for his stay in the hospital.
 
Jimmy cooper said:
My pal who I went in the Air Force with died of bone cancer two years ago. Not only were there no party's but it eventually broke him financially. My wife and I had to buy him fuel oil so his house could be heated while he died. We simply visited every week to say hi and help his wife get food, get the oil changed in their car, etc. It really should not be that way in a country this wealthy. He had worked hard, had his own company for many years, put his kids thru college, etc. But they had family's and expenses also.
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This is what supplemental insurances are for.
 
AuntPeggy said:
My friend told us over coffee that he has incurable bone cancer. He is losing weight -- already was a healthy weight, now losing. Otherwise he seems healthy, but is taking hands-full of pills. He says a marrow transplant is out of the question. His wife recently overcame cancer. They are taking trips, fulfilling bucket list. I don't know what to say or do. Don't want to overreact. Don't want to appear unconcerned. Any advice.
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I am sorry your friend is dying, you get the feeling of uselessness. But you really aren't, simply be the friend you would like to have.
 
Be normal, hang with him, enjoy the good times, get him out as much as his health will allow.

In between him and his wife's bucket list, start working down the "friend bucket list" of those things you swore you both would do some day.

Realize that life is not an imposition.
 
Please don't tell him about any/all of the homeopathic or natural or foreign-approved etc "cures" that you hear about. Please don't tell him that he's looking better. Treat him as normally as you possibly can. Share jokes or tell stories or double-date with them or anything you would normally do. Offer to help his wife in any way she needs (and mean it). Express the truth that you aren't sure how to handle being as good a friend as possible while giving them the space they may need to travel this one-way road together. Tell them that you expect them to tell you if they need anything or if they want you to do anything differently. Tell them you won't take offense - unless they allow you to be blind to a need they have.

Just be the good friends they believe you to be. They wouldn't have told you if they didn't like you as you are already.
 
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I would also go with the "be normal" advice. Except for his medical condition he is still the same person.
 
I have no good advice same as everyone else. If your friend wants to make time then make time. And agree also with you get one life to live. So live it.
 
Jimmy cooper said:
Like so many other observations you make, your wrong about this also. I would think its either due to very limited knowledge or advanced age. Either way you manage to get wrong.
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What? now you are the insurance expert too?

Said like I'm not a vet, and don't know what insurance coverage we are required to carry prior to age 65.

Are you retired Military? If not, how would you know?
 
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