Getting Wife Buy-In on PPL

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KitCarson

Filing Flight Plan
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Kit Carson
I've spent a long time lurking on these boards, dreaming about the day when I might finally be able to pursue a pilot's license. Like a lot of you, I grew up around planes and airports and have wanted to fly recreationally for as long as I can remember. Financially, that's now possible. But with one young child in the mix already and another on the way in several months, my wife views learning to fly for fun, and the time involved, as neglecting my responsibilities as a father. (In better news, she's not that worried about the safety of it.)

I'm not crazy/dumb enough to start taking lessons with a newborn in the house, but this is still something I'd like to pursue in the next few years, and my wife has said she's open to changing her mind. That's where you come in: if you've balanced pursuing/maintaining a recreational* PPL with work and a young family, I'd love to hear from you. How do you make it work? How did you sell the benefits to your spouse? Do those benefits even exist?

Alternatively, if the answer is, "Your goal isn't realistic until you've got kids in college," do please share that too. Not the answer I want to hear, but my wife and kids are more important than flying, and I want to be sensible.

*By recreational, I mean you got your PPL for fun, not to advance a career goal.
 
I will tell you that my ex-wife was not very on board with me even thinking of getting my PPL with us having a young child for all the reasons you stated - and really, just in general. It was a goal of mine since I was a child.

During a marriage counseling session, while digging to see if there were avenues for happiness/discovery/satisfaction, etc. for each of us, the counselor asked what big goals/dreams we had in life. My ex's was simply "to be a mom" and mine was "to get my PPL." The counselor asked my ex, "Since you've already achieved your goal, would perhaps allowing him to pursue his goal and invest that money and time in himself help him to be a better husband and father to you?"

I thought this was pretty profound in the fact that I did have some resentment already growing for her with regard to her being against me pursuing my PPL. We had other issues for sure, but to not have your spouse's blessing on a long-held (and reachable) dream/goal such as a PPL will REALLY put a crimp in a relationship.

You stated your wife would be open to having her mind changed. I come from the place that EVERYONE needs a hobby or activity outside of their spouse. If it's an activity you can both share and enjoy, great. But whereas you might want to spend your time golfing or flying, hopefully she has a hobby or goal she could pursue as well. You could certainly tout the benefits of general aviation to her (of which there are many) but overall, I'd say if you have a deeply-held, lifelong desire to be a pilot, then her allowing you to spend that time and money on yourself would certainly allow you to be a much happier, better husband and father in the long run. I'd say it was anything but being neglectful.
 
Having kids shouldn't preclude you from having interests outside the house. Membership at a gym, golf, flying, whatever. I'm sure your wife has outside interests too - running, gym, social clubs, etc.

Find a balance that works for both of you. Hopefully it includes flying.
 
I grew up in a flying family.

My dad got his PPL when I was 2yo, and took all three of us (I have no siblings) in the plane to getaway vacations all the time.

I grew up thinking everyone had an airplane, and we weren't really that "special".

When my wife and I got married, she was well aware of this, and we've used our plane, and the rentals that preceded it, for lots of enjoyment.

Waiting 'til kids are in college? And shortchange them on a flying family experience? I can't imagine this.
 
I was/am in a near similar situation. I started my ppl training, really unexpectedly, when my first daughter was 7 months old. Took one of those discovery flights, then tried another flight, then another etc. fast forward four years later I’m awaiting my ifr Checkride and purchased my own aircraft. I can’t say she was thrilled with this whole thing and experience, but again it was basically a hobby for me, expensive one at that. There’s still numerous arguments over the plane and flying but the expenses don’t affect the family finances. I know my limits though of when not to push taking the plane out, two daughters later. It will work out. You just have to balance everything. I only wish I could take the plane out more often as I’m only getting 40-50 hours per year.
 
I was a pilot and owned a plane before I got married. My flying habit was non-negotiable. Fortunately, my wife to be was OK with my flying obsession, and she eventually earned her PPL as well (pinch-hitter course went off the rails :rolleyes:). I had the dream of flying a small plane since I was probably 10 years old. when I built and flew model aircraft. I was very glad to have acted on that passion in my late 20s instead of "waiting until things are different." You won't get any younger, or get a do-over to pursue dreams. As long as flying is not a financial burden or impinge on providing the basics, why not? On the other hand, if you have to go into hock to fly, maybe it's not a great idea. My wife and I are OK with and supportive of each other's outside interests. It's emotionally and physically supportive of good health. Ultimately, we wind up sharing at least some of these outside interests. (Others, not so much, but that's OK, too.)
 
I don't know what you do for a living, and how much time AND energy it takes in your profession. I grew up in a flying family. My Dad thought my brother and I were crazy to pursue flying careers. That aside, it takes some commitment to learn to fly, and earning a PPL is only the license to start learning. It's a lifelong quest. Constant learning, refreshing, keeping up on changes, and challenges, LOTS of liability. Can you do it, of course you can. No problem. Can you give up several evenings a week for intense study? Can you dedicate
probably 12 hours a week minimum for your lessons. That's dedicate 12 hours minimum of quality time and energy. You need to fly at least 3 times a week. lessons will look like an hour briefing, an hour flying an hour debriefing, or some mix of that. The more times you fly, the more you learn and retain. Flying is a practice, you don't learn it once and never forget, its not a bicycle. It's constant refining your knowledge and skill. So only you can decide if you can dedicate all that is required. Not just for the PPL, but forever. But I say yes you can.
 
KitCarson said:
I'm not crazy/dumb enough to start taking lessons with a newborn in the house
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In many ways you remind me of myself as far as wanting to fly since I could remember looking at the sky. The difference is that my wife is extremely supportive of my flying although she's not drawn to it the way I am (she will fly with me every now and again for "bragging rights" with her friends).

I'm glad my wife is supportive as I have a friend now that is taking lessons and he is having a tough time with his wife as she is pretty clear that if she don't like it, he's not allowed to either. For now she is tolerating it but I wonder how long before he gets the, "It's me or the airplane" speech.

I highlighted your statement above because it puzzles me. I mean you're not discussing moving to another country or a career change where you will be out of town for weeks at a time. At most you're looking at one or two lessons a week and some nights of book study.

A couple years ago I got a great deal on a motorcycle because the man's wife with the newborn didn't want him riding it. Of course that's his decision to make but it seemed that he wasn't free in making the decision that she had wrestled him into. I'm not suggesting you should not have care about her concerns but the reality is that putting off the dreams in your life sometimes cause them to be put way and then lost forever.

"She said it was her or the plane ... Clear prop!"
 
I will debate @Oldmanb777's point only insofar as "need to fly 3 times a week." This is true if you want to knock out your PPL in dang near the fastest way possible, in 40 hours, while allowing for a normal job and working hours. Being able to sink that kind of time weekly into your pursuit is certainly the best way to make it cheaper and better aid in retention of the skills and material - but it's not the only realistic path. I did just fine managing my work and home duties while getting my PPL, without having to spend 12 hours a week on lessons, while I flew maybe once per week (sometimes two) - as I assume many others on this board did. I still managed my PPL in 42 hours.

Otherwise, he's right. There is no debating that the pursuit of a PPL is a time sink, as is maintaining proficiency even after getting the certificate. You definitely have to have an understanding of that before jumping in.
 
Daleandee said:
I highlighted your statement above because it puzzles me.
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Thanks for the thoughts. Having been happily married 7.5 years now, 2.5 of them with a kiddo, I'm confident that if I told my wife, "Good luck with the screaming newborn and destructive toddler. I'm going flying!" I wouldn't be allowed back inside anytime soon.
 
Neither you nor your wife should be chained to the house and the kids! There HAS to be a life beyond taking care of them or you'll be heading straight towards a significant midlife crisis!

Why not wait until the second baby is a few months old and to then start taking flying lessons? You could take is easy an take only a lesson or two per week. I would bet that the sense of achievement and to get away from the sometimes crazy and stressful family life will also be beneficial for your mental wellbeing.

The other thing is that your PPL will never expire. Even if you stop flying for a few years, all you need to get back into it is a flight review (and maybe a medical).

In order to "sell" it to your wife, you should certainly make it clear to her that this is VERY important to you an not just like buying a new truck. It might be useful to come up with some nice family trips that you casually suggest to her.
 
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KitCarson said:
Thanks for the thoughts. Having been happily married 7.5 years now, 2.5 of them with a kiddo, I'm confident that if I told my wife, "Good luck with the screaming newborn and destructive toddler. I'm going flying!" I wouldn't be allowed back inside anytime soon.
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I think the overall point is finding balance. You will most assuredly have friction if you did the "good luck while I go fly" thing with no reciprocation. She has to have something where she can leave you with the screaming baby and destructive toddler as well. There is an argument to be made that if she DOESN'T have something outside of the home to occupy some of her free time and let her decompress, then that's on her - but I'm not willing to make it!
 
KitCarson said:
Thanks for the thoughts. Having been happily married 7.5 years now, 2.5 of them with a kiddo, I'm confident that if I told my wife, "Good luck with the screaming newborn and destructive toddler. I'm going flying!" I wouldn't be allowed back inside anytime soon.
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Tell her to MOM-UP!
 
DrewG said:
I did just fine managing my work and home duties while getting my PPL, without having to spend 12 hours a week on lessons, while I flew maybe once per week (sometimes two)
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Thanks. This is really helpful. I think my wife is looking for a clearer picture of how much time this would take me away from the house. Studying at night isn't a problem at all. If it's realistic to say "a few hours each weekend," plus a few weekdays here and there, she'd probably consider it more reasonable. I've of course tried to make clear that I'm happy to watch kids while she gets on a road bike for just as much or more time, but she's right that the hobby I'm proposing is orders of magnitude more expensive and therefore not exactly a comparable trade-off.
 
A more serious suggestion...

Pickup The Pilot's Handbook of Aeronautical Knowledge and The Airplane Flying Handbook. They're inexpensive, free in PDF format, and cover a large percentage of the material you'll need to learn in pilot training. Let you wife see you studying these books and see if that helps her slowly adjust to the idea of flight training. If not, it hasn't cost you much. If you do start flight training later, the reading will put you well ahead.

https://www.amazon.com/Pilots-Handb...5&sprefix=the+pilot's+handbook,aps,237&sr=8-2

https://www.amazon.com/Airplane-Han...609179255&sprefix=the+airplane,aps,170&sr=8-2

https://www.faa.gov/regulations_policies/handbooks_manuals/aviation/phak/

https://www.faa.gov/regulations_policies/handbooks_manuals/aviation/airplane_handbook/
 
Do you have any other hobbies or interests that take up time now? If so, an easy trade would be to put the golf, fishing, etc. on the side and use the same time as you would for that and put it into your PPL training. Luckily, I got my license long before I was married, but I am now doing my IFR training with a wife and 5 year old child. It definitely helps that my boy loves to fly with me so it gives mom a break when we go. No matter what happens, remember that your dreams don't have to die just because your wife doesn't share them. It might mean going at a slower pace or making adjustments to let her have time doing what she likes while you watch the kids, but there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to make it work while still having a happy family life. Once the kids get older, hopeflly they'll take an interest in flying too and it can be a family activity combined with your hobby.
 
Rgbeard said:
Waiting 'til kids are in college? And shortchange them on a flying family experience? I can't imagine this.
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Could not agree more. My first flight with my family was when I was 5 weeks old (The flight was in a Bellanca; who knew that 45 years later, I’d have a Bellanca myself?). My mom never really enjoyed flying, but I have wonderful memories of going to the airport with my Father and going flying with him in a J-3 Cub. We also took several fun trips as a whole family. My sister and I always loved it when we flew instead of drove when going to visit the Grandparents — cut a 4 hour drive in half. I spent lots of time at the airport with my Dad, and love the fact that he was the person who taught me to fly. I could see the tears in his eyes the day he got out of the plane and told me to take it around the pattern 3 times by myself.

I got back into flying after a 23 year hiatus when my son was 12, and I regret not restarting earlier. My wife, son, and I have had some great flying adventures. We’ve flown to SoCal for more hockey tournaments than I can remember, to Phoenix, Tahoe, and Vancouver for the same reason, and to all sorts of places for weekend getaways. Now that my son is in college in NY, my wife and I still enjoy firing up the plane and making a day or weekend trip somewhere. And when my son and his girlfriend come to visit, we always look for places to go and explore.

Flying together as a family can be a lot of fun and is a great bonding experience. Don’t wait to do this when your children are grown. Do it now!
 
KitCarson said:
Thanks for the thoughts. Having been happily married 7.5 years now, 2.5 of them with a kiddo, I'm confident that if I told my wife, "Good luck with the screaming newborn and destructive toddler. I'm going flying!" I wouldn't be allowed back inside anytime soon.
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I'm not suggesting that you should do such a thing as I believe (as others have noted) that both of you will need a way to get away and you will get your turn to sit with the babies while she goes out for a great time of her own.

But the point I'm driving at is that while you would/should truly want her input you should not let other people make the final decisions in your life that are yours alone to make.

My wife a very wise woman as many men here will say of their own wives ... that means she knows when I'm determined to do something enough that she just needs to come along or deal with it. I'm pretty independent like that. But ... she is too. It is a two way street.
 
Kevin Eggert said:
It definitely helps that my boy loves to fly with me so it gives mom a break when we go.
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I'm hoping that's going to be the case too. My son and I already hang out at the airport on the weekend since we both love watching planes, and it's a great way to spend time together.

As for other hobbies: I ski, golf, and mountain/road bike too. With the exception of golf, those are all activities that my wife and I share to one degree or another. Probably possible to dial back the mountain biking, which she doesn't like as much, in favor of some flight time. We also love traveling, and the possibility of orchestrating a trip from, say, Denver to Glacier National Park might be appealing. It's otherwise an interminable drive.
 
Start buying gear for cave diving, or wing suit flying. Then, when you sell it to fund your PPL, your wife will be relieved!

More seriously, as already noted, offering to trade some other hobbies for awhile while working on your rating makes sense, as does saving up as much as you can in advance so you don't get into a cash crunch later. But do make sure she understands you can't get the ticket and then cut back to a flight or three a year to save money--you won't retain enough proficiency to be safe. Flying after you get your ticket can be a lot less expensive than flying during training, but you need to plan to do enough of it to remain safe.
 
I will say that it’s going to be difficult without her blessing. It’s not a small endeavor to undertake, nor a cheap one. And while some pilots have plenty of success flying about while leaving the s/o behind doing so kind of defeats the purpose.

I began my ppl training in 2012 when my daughters were 11/13 years old. I work as a teacher, so this was just a hobby adventure for me and didn’t finish until 2015. Money and time slowed me down.

It was actually my wife who encouraged me to do it. She was getting tired of me spending money on R/C planes and flying simulators. MS Combat (Pacific) mostly. I shot down a lot of Zeros though!

I do most of my flying without the wife, but we have had a couple fun flying vacays together. And she is totally fine with me having my own flying vacays without her.

At some point you will want to spend the $150 or whatever for a discovery flight and I would strongly suggest you bring her along. Some people just don’t like flying in small planes. If it’s a motion sickness thing you can offer Dramamine or something and try again. At least get an idea if she’s willing to go along with a trial flight if she’s not supportive of you starting training. See if that can help her see some benefit to her.

Of my daughters, one was absolutely petrified and was willing to try one lap around the pattern and that was it. The other was indifferent. She flew twice with me for local scenery flights.

Ultimately it’s going to be your hobby. But your family probably needs to be on board with it. Or willing to do things like drive to destinations while you fly or some other such arrangements. If your wife ends up adamantly against it ... a decision will have to be made.

upload_2020-12-28_11-41-44.jpeg
 
For you single guys, the pilot that won the "smartest pilot in the world award" went to the ATC pilot that has an ATC wife ... you can give up trying to win that award;):D
 
danhagan said:
For you single guys, the pilot that won the "smartest pilot in the world award" went to the ATC pilot that has an ATC wife ... you can give up trying to win that award;):D
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Hard to fault your logic is. Hmmm
 
GaryM said:
But do make sure she understands you can't get the ticket and then cut back to a flight or three a year to save money--you won't retain enough proficiency to be safe.
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Thanks. I ballparked it at $10-15k for the license plus $7500/year post-license (assuming renting), and that didn't seem to be a deal-breaker. Money's a factor, but if I'm understanding correctly, the issue is the money + time devoted to something she perceives to be at odds with family time.
 
My ex-wife was very negative about flying. I told her I was gonna move forward with my hobby and she should get a hobby of her own.

She did. And she married him.

We are both much happier.

YMMV
 
woodchucker said:
At some point you will want to spend the $150 or whatever for a discovery flight and I would strongly suggest you bring her along. Some people just don’t like flying in small planes. If it’s a motion sickness thing you can offer Dramamine or something and try again. At least get an idea if she’s willing to go along with a trial flight if she’s not supportive of you starting training. See if that can help her see some benefit to her.
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I’d modify this suggestion a bit regarding bringing your wife along on the discovery flight. If it’s your discovery flight, you’ll be in front with an instructor, and your wife would be in the back. If you actually do proceed with getting a PPL, your wife will most likely be up front with you when you are flying together. Front seat is better than back seat for reducing the possibility of motion sickness, the view is better, and being able to participate in the flight is also enhanced. So, why not get her a Discovery flight first, and you either sit in the back or stay home with the kid?

The risk of all of this is, of course, that she’ll agree to you getting a PPL —- only after she get hers!

Note that the spouses don’t always travel in front. My wife sometimes sits in the back on long trips. She can open up her laptop and get some work done, and it’s a bit more comfortable for both of us to have a bit of extra space. A Bellanca Super Viking is a cozy plane...
 
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I can have a real mistress or a tin mistress. Your choice....
 
I wanted to learn to fly for years, but either the time or the money wasn't available, so I kept putting it off in favor of other things. When both of our kids were in college my wife and I were the high bidders for a sightseeing ride in a fund raiser at church. When she found out that we could fly across the state in about 2 hours (instead of the 5 1/2 to 6 hour drive) she said that it was about time I learned to fly. So I took lessons, joined a local club (which, 20 years later I still belong to) and learned to fly. Then, a few years later, she decided that we had skipped too many flights across the state due to weather and that I should get my instrument rating. A few years later (a few things got in the way) I completed that.

The key thing is to keep the dream alive and make it come true when the time and money permit. Then fly, fly, fly!
 
Fortunately I got my private and instrument rating in my early 20s but had to take a long 10 year break until I had a better income. The deal with my wife when we married, is that I would have access to a plane whether I bought it, joined a club, or built it before we have kids. She agreed. Joined a club a few months after the wedding. I hadn't finished my insurance checkout in the club plane and she was pregnant! LOL
My advice to friends, study the free PDF (print them and make notes), but set aside $200-$300 every week if you plan to fly once a week and multiply that if you plan to fly more often. If you have trouble doing that now, then you will absolutely have that problem while training. Don't take out a big fat student loan like I did. If you start now, you can save enough to buy bulk hours at a discount pricing at some flight schools.
My wife loves flying and traveling. She was the one that suggested taking our baby up at 4 weeks old. Baby's 10 months now and has flown with me and the airlines a couple dozen times already! Start them young!
 
I haven't read all the advice above, but I am sure some of it is good and a lot of it is terrible.

I got my PPL when in high-school. I took almost a year to do it. If you want to get it done quick, then definitely fly three times a week for hours at a time. You probably won't be married at the end, but you'll have your PPL quick. You don't have to do that though. You can plan on the slow route. Yes, there's a still a minimum you'll have to dedicate to it in order to not regress, yes it will take you longer, yes it will be more expensive, but it doesn't have to take over your life.

Even though I had my PPL when I got married, I wasn't actively flying. I started up again when my kids were young, but not infants--past the point where being at home with them meant they needed your full attention. I didn't get a PPL obviously, but I did start back with a glider rating. And I've since earned additional ratings. I like to hang out at the airport too, so my wife knows that even if I tell her I'm just going to go fly some patterns, it will be half a day. Of course the kids are now tweens and don't want to hang with us anyway.

Spending the day with an infant or two is exhausting. And if you're spending a lot of time recreating while your wife is doing that, it will cause tension. I don't think you should kill your dream, but putting it off a couple of years might be the best thing. In the meantime, spend tons of time with your kids and foster your wife's hobbies. It will pay back in spades.
 
KitCarson said:
Thanks. This is really helpful. I think my wife is looking for a clearer picture of how much time this would take me away from the house. Studying at night isn't a problem at all. If it's realistic to say "a few hours each weekend," plus a few weekdays here and there, she'd probably consider it more reasonable. I've of course tried to make clear that I'm happy to watch kids while she gets on a road bike for just as much or more time, but she's right that the hobby I'm proposing is orders of magnitude more expensive and therefore not exactly a comparable trade-off.
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To be efficient in getting your PPL (cost and time), you will realistically want to fly around twice a week, and it will take about 6 months. Except for XC training, most flights will be about an hour, not including travel to and from the airport, and debrief time. Total cost to get a PPL these days is around $12K or so, not cheap, but not exactly bank-breaking, either.
 
@KitCarson Where are you located at? I'm sure their are people near you looking for some company. Maybe seeing the benefits of flying might change her mind from a hobby to a means to travel as a family. If your plan is to spend 7.5k keeping current after your license, there are plenty of 4 seaters that might be in your budget after your license.
 
I did my Private Pilot this year, 5/23-11/6 fr first flight to checkride. I wanted it because it's been a dream ofone, and I could never find the time or money (would have either one or the other!). I'm 42, with a 9 yr old. It's for fun, mostly; not a career. I've thought about working through certs to get a commercial, to be able to do that part time, bit it'll never replace my day job (airport engineer).

I did Sporty's ground school at my own pace,in my own time. Not gonna' lie, many videos were watched while in the "office", sitting on the porcelain chair. But hey,that's ordinarily just wasted time anyways. Some were at night, late. Basically,this was my free time for a little while

As for flying, test prep, etc, I'd get a sitter for the days my wife worked and it was good weather to fly. It wasn't more than 5 or 6 times I needed to do that. My schedule was to go up at least twice a week, and I'd do it during afternoons, mostly, and use PTO from work. I did a few weekends,but flight schools get really busy on the weekend; I found that limited my time before/after the flight to talk with CFI, so I didn't as many on weekends.

Overall, I honestly don't think it took more than 5-8 hours of time on the heaviest weeks, and some weeks (especially in bad weather), I didn't much at all.

My advice would be to do Shorty's ground school first. At least start it, and then start flying. Set a goal for what you want to learn each lesson, so you aren't going up randomly. Your CFI can help you set that, too. My goal going on was to be as close to 40 hours as possible, and I came darned close at 40.1.

Ease into it, and you may find it's not as hard as you thought to balance your time. I could have done it when my son was a baby; it wouldn't have been that hard, and I was fully participating in raising him. We split duties pretty evenly, especially since he was bottle fed.

Also, I'd recommend if you go fly one day, the next day you take over full kid duties so your wife has a break. Make it a real schedule, and stick to it. She'll enjoy the time to recharge and relax herself. Babies are tiring for everybody; you have to alternate so only 1 parent is going crazy at a time. But that phase only lasts 3-6 months or so. It's not forever.

Now that I havey cert, I've set a monthly budget and that tells me how often I can fly Should be around 5-8 hours per month, depending on which club plane I take up. That's feeding my need to be in the clouds about 2-3 times per month, and that seems to be working so far. (Though a trip from Houston to Dallas earlier in the month used up most of my Dec budget so I haven't been up in almost 3 weeks. Boo...)
 
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