A Wife's Questions
- Thread starter Becky
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Write the book...then fly all over the country promoting it! It will fund your hubby's flying while getting you acclimated to flying for a good reason!
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Write the book...then fly all over the country promoting it! It will fund your hubby's flying while get you acclimated to flying for a good reason!
Great idea...
...And..... She can deliver the cookies at the same time.
.Ben is gettin hungry out here..
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Becky
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Becky
I always ask my husband to call when he lands, not if he's just doing practice, but if he goes on a longer trip. I also ask him to call when he's getting ready to take off for home. We live near our airport, so I can actually go outside and watch him land if I am home.
Despite her best effort (studying the Nall Report, learning what causes accidents, reminding herself that her husband has good judgement that will improve his odds of returning safely, etc. etc.), a wife can feel a little on edge while her husband is flying. There are a lot of things that can go wrong, and things that are out of his control.
The phone calls help me relax a little. They can be REALLY important if a wife is at all uneasy about your flying. The fact that your wife asks you to call is, I think, a very caring gesture, and is not meant in any way to impede your sense of freedom in flying.
I am continually amazed (but also enlightened) as I learn more about how differently men and women see the world.
Long ago I dated a guy with whom conversations like this would actually happen:
Me: "Wow, what a beautiful day!"
Him: (annoyed) "Well, if you wanted to go on a picnic, you should have said so."
Me: "We don't really communicate very well."
Him: "Yes we do!!"
What the what???
That's why it takes love and effort to make marriage work, I guess.
Here's the really final question to ask with regards to safety: "Do you think you married a dumbass?" If hubby is a dumbass he is at high risk. if not, he is not at any particularly elevated risk from normal other life activities like golf.
Becky
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I wonder what it would take for Ben to give a post a 5-popcorn rating ... er, forget I said that.
docmirror
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Cowboy - yeehah!
One of the things that brought me to GA besides the glorious freedom and power of the control of a plane is management of risk. IMNSHO, the management of risk for people is something they can't often put into words. I used to enjoy motorcycle riding, but I was always on edge a bit due to the concerns of the drivers around me, and the designers who made the roads. I had to assume or accept the risk but I had little or no control over many segments of the activity.
In GA, we have a great deal of control over our assumed risk. For me, I own the plane, I maintain most of it, I fuel it, clean it, prep it, check weather, check my route and navigation, I verify the conditions of myself to make the flight and basically, without going into the engine itself or the flight controls, I manage pretty much every aspect of the risk. If there comes a day when I don't check the weather and find myself in the soup as a result, there's no one else to blame, and I'll do my very best to reduce that risk. I think most pilots think somewhat the same.
There is no life without risk. People have died falling out of bed. People have died on the toilet, and have died sneezing. Sure, flying GA is more dangerous than sneezing but it's a heck of a lot more fun(although a good sneeze is nothing to 'sneeze' at, lol).
At the risk of reaching into your marriage, I would postulate that your husband tries to wave off your concerns because you sound more and more like a harpy, shrew, and have become controlling or manipulative(in his eyes) regarding a 'decision' he has already made.
I love to ski, and my wife wants no part of it. I'm a good, fast skier and she's seen some videos of my ski runs. They seem to scare her a fair amount, and possibly with reason cause I've had a torn ACL and a broken leg in the past 14 years of skiing. That means there is risk, and once in a while she'll make some uninformed comment about my ski trip that sets me off. First, because it's ME taking the risk, not her. Next, because she is uninformed about the risk. Finally, I already had a mommy and she's gone now. I don't want a mommy at home I want a wife.
So, give him a hug, a smile, tell him to have a good time, call if you like and live with the flying situation sans comment/concern. Or --- don't.
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...
There it is.... I rate it a 5... maybe even a 6..
..I kinda wish there was a chocolate chip cookie emoticon
Jeanie
Pattern Altitude
OMG, I fly solo, my husband flies solo, we drive to other cities to see friends solo... We make a point of letting the other know we are ok. It's called concern, consciousness, courtesy, caring... Not control, shrewIsness, Harpi-ism, controlling, bitchiness, patriarchal.. Blah blah blah.
We keep in touch because we think it's important. Docmirror, you might consider what you might be projecting about.
OK,here we go.
Ben, you keep mentioning cookies... I'm going to check the pantry!
We keep in touch because we think it's important. Docmirror, you might consider what you might be projecting about.
OK,here we go.
Ben, you keep mentioning cookies... I'm going to check the pantry!
docmirror
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Cowboy - yeehah!
Oh there's no question I have serious issues.
I'm a misogynist, hard headed, independent, and judgmental. My list of faults can't even be contained by one forum. I don't know why, but I've been married 26 years to the same person. Somehow, she hasn't filleted me in my sleep yet, but tonite's another chance.
This thread isn't about my problems, many that they are. The OP came here looking for - well, something to absolve/support/validate her as a wife of a GA pilot.
As I already said this sounds to me a lot like; 'you see, we have too much time and money, so I'm going to tell my husband how, and why he should not fly a GA plane. And if he persists how much it will bother me'.
Oh there's no question I have serious issues.
I don't know why, but I've been married 26 years to the same person. Somehow, she hasn't filleted me in my sleep yet, but tonite's another chance.
This thread isn't about my problems, many that they are. The OP came here looking for - well, something to absolve/support/validate her as a wife of a GA pilot.
As I already said this sounds to me a lot like; 'you see, we have too much time and money, so I'm going to tell my husband how, and why he should not fly a GA plane. And if he persists how much it will bother me'.
Nah, she wanted attention and conversation, she found it, the questions were answered honestly; she'll be fine, she has joined an interesting sorority of screen names.
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It is gettin colder out here..... Ben is HUNGRY.....
Oh damnit Ben, I so wish I could get up there, such a beautiful place.
TMetzinger
Final Approach
Jaybird180
Final Approach
Translation:Long ago I dated a guy with whom conversations like this would actually happen:
Me: "Wow, what a beautiful day!"
Him: (annoyed) "Well, if you wanted to go on a picnic, you should have said so."
Me: "We don't really communicate very well."
Him: "Yes we do!!"
What the what???
That's why it takes love and effort to make marriage work, I guess.
I'm trying to be all that stuff I saw on TV about relationships and anticipate your needs. I failed at it, but its your fault I failed.
bbchien
Touchdown! Greaser!
Maybe a defibrillator, too.I tried. I said, "I love you. And ... and ..." But then I just kept saying "I love you." Couldn't say the next part.
But I'll do it. I will. Re-reading the thread and getting comfortable with some of the ideas there.
I'll do it. Should have someone standing by with a camera on my husband's face when he hears it ...
I have refrained from this string since the beginning. When I married I was too poor to fly. But she knew I was a flyer.
If you want a marriage to succeed, each has to try to fulfill the other's desires. Each needs to ask the other, at least annually, if there is a dream or a desire for which the other partner can aid fulfillment. Fail in that, you might as well walk. So if you ask him and he wants to fly, SHAME on you to fall short. If one spouse tries to hamper the other, you might as well walk. If you want to become an attorney, he'd better pony up.
Life is unpredictable so you, and he MUST support each other's dreams and desires, insofar as it is practical. Any less, and as Gordon Baxter said,
"My former wife didn't like to fly".
All that being said, I manage risk actively. Even when I was flying a single. Every day when I teach. I have cancelled family vacations due to weather when I could not resolve the risk in a reasonable manner. But we fly. Alaska to Prince Edward. Maine to the Islands.
John221us
En-Route
I am continually amazed (but also enlightened) as I learn more about how differently men and women see the world.
Long ago I dated a guy with whom conversations like this would actually happen:
Me: "Wow, what a beautiful day!"
Him: (annoyed) "Well, if you wanted to go on a picnic, you should have said so."
Me: "We don't really communicate very well."
Him: "Yes we do!!"
What the what???
That's why it takes love and effort to make marriage work, I guess.
Well, there are definitely differences. When I was first married, many years ago, we were poor and my wife, at the time, said "don't get me anything for Valentines Day". I took her at her word....
Jaybird180
Final Approach
Nourishment for the soul...love it, Bruce.
NineThreeKilo
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He should fly at least once every two weeks. I've found it better when people fly, even for a short time, every two weeks, then one long flight once a month or more.
You should go take a few flight lessons (just 2 or 3), probably help relate a little!
You should go take a few flight lessons (just 2 or 3), probably help relate a little!
It is gettin colder out here..... Ben is HUNGRY...
You have to go to the Purple Board for cookies, I do have to admit, Jeanie sent me an awesome batch of chocolate chip.
I saved a link to that. Maybe it will save my next marriage, if I get the chance.
Everskyward
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The more I read threads like these I realize why I've never been married...
Ghery
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Then there's my wife's input on the subject. She knew I had an interest in learning to fly, but for years we either had the time or the money, but not both. I happily spent the first 25+ years of our marriage working, raising kids and being involved in their activities. I wouldn't trade that for anything. Then, when our kids were in college we were the high bidders for a sightseeing ride in a fundraiser at church. When she found out we could get across the state in 2 hours or so in a 172, as opposed to the 5 1/2 to 6 hour drive, she thought that maybe I should learn to fly. I jumped on that. Then, after missing too many flights across the state due to weather, or what the forecasts said the weather would be (and wasn't) she said, "Maybe you should get your instrument rating." That took a while longer for a number of reasons, but it finally happened. I fly because I love it and my wife, bless her, supports it. She typically doesn't go with me unless there's a reason, and some of the sightseeing around here does count as a reason in her book. But she doesn't begrudge my grabbing a plane to go fly for the fun of it. And, she has her activities, as well. And, if she found something else she wanted to do, I'd tell her to go for it. 39+ years of marriage and you know that give and take is critical.
denverpilot
Tied Down
Marriage is about always having someone in your corner and committing to always being in theirs, even if you don't (emotionally) want to sometimes. It's a covenant, not a feeling.
steingar
Taxi to Parking
Funny thing about the cell phone, I got one for the same reason. Let Mrs. Steingar know I'd landed safely. The coverage on phone number one sucked, so I got one with better coverage. It is the antithesis of a smart phone, indeed it's a dumb phone, coal-powered. I never carry it, rarely answer it. But I do call Mrs. Steingar to tell her that I've landed safely. It does that just fine.
Mrs. Steingar doesn't go on the milk runs anymore, but she'll happily get in to go somewhere despite the discomfort. And I try to be nice about the hours on visits to the yarn stores. Better when there are bars nearby.
Mrs. Steingar doesn't go on the milk runs anymore, but she'll happily get in to go somewhere despite the discomfort. And I try to be nice about the hours on visits to the yarn stores. Better when there are bars nearby.
Becky
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Stuff can be worked through. Partners can adapt and be courteous (e.g., the phone calls). I'm not sold on each partner trying "to fulfill the other's desires and dreams" though. That would be seriously difficult to carry off fairly in real life, as life is not fair, but rather uneven. Some people are never going to be satisfied with the current dream, but keep looking to the next one. Time and money are limited. Differing dreams encroach on each other.
A fellow I know supported the various things his wife dreamed of ... built her a little espresso stand, remodeled the whole house, etc. etc. His passion was farming. She left him after 10 years or so, took their two girls with her to another state, and he had to sell the farm and go to work elsewhere in order to make the hefty child support payments.
I think Step 1 is to marry someone who's already happy, and is not looking to you for fulfillment. If the commitment is there, and a true desire for each others' happiness, seems differing attitudes toward even large "dreams" like aviation can be accommodated. That's what I'm paying close attention to on this thread. Some concerned spouse may arrive at this thread one day, and I hope that is the takeaway message they receive ... not to give up, but to see a bigger picture.
Yeah, this. I'm surprised (well, not really, which is sad) at people here who'd choose aviation over their spouse.
Matthew
Touchdown! Greaser!
Even when married, we each have our own dreams and desires. It's what makes us individuals. Supporting each other is part of marriage.
But then there is "marriage" and that means another set of dreams and desires, and those are the shared dreams and desires. I think the hardest part of marriage is finding the proper balance of all three.
Where do you draw the line
..First it might be aviation,, then a Ford -Vs- Dodge minevan, then blue wall paint instead of beige.. You could what if it to death... Life is way too short to not follow through on you dreams... If two people can work together then that is a great relationship. When they can't ,then ya gotta cut your losses and enjoy what is left of life...
DaleB
Final Approach
I draw the line based on the fact that, 33+ years ago, I promised to make it work no matter what. So did she. I'm sure it's been tougher for my wife than it has been for me, but so far so good.Where do you draw the line
First it might be aviation,, then a Ford -Vs- Dodge minevan, then blue wall paint instead of beige.. You could what if it to death... Life is way too short to not follow through on you dreams... If two people can work together then that is a great relationship. When they can't ,then ya gotta cut your losses and enjoy what is left of life...
If you feel that a marriage will only work when everyone's happy and cooperative, you'd better stay single.
Yeah, this. People say you don't choose to love someone, but I believe in marriage you do. There are bad days in life and if you don't choose to love someone through them, then what's the point of marriage.
Besides, do people really divorce over pain color? That's baffling to me.
I was married for 33+ years too.. The key is how bad do you want to cave in based on the very limiting statement of " NO Matter What"... That cuts both ways..
Becky
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Becky
I tend to shy away from ultimatums ... they tend to indicate inflexibility, often by both parties.
But it's true that "compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof." Each couple has to decide when the umbrella is no longer adequate.
Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, that decision is not made unilaterally, but by one partner or the other, in anger or resentment, or in fear of what they see as "control" by the other.
But it's true that "compromise makes a good umbrella but a poor roof." Each couple has to decide when the umbrella is no longer adequate.
Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, that decision is not made unilaterally, but by one partner or the other, in anger or resentment, or in fear of what they see as "control" by the other.
Compromise in marriage is overrated, IMO. It works better when one person gets 100% some of the time and the other person gets 100% some of the time. There are some things you just can't compromise on and if you try, both people end up miserable. Best to pick your battles and know what you're going to fight for.
I'm not, anybody that would keep you from doing what you want is not much of a spouse to begin with.
I've been following the thread out of curiosity, but given the responses after your post ... yeah, I'm even more happy to be single.
Takes all kinds ...
Becky
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Becky
Okay. Told my husband that henceforth I shall trust in his judgement re: flying, time, plane, money and me. He smiled pretty big.
Made a complete re-read of all the posts. My goal is to have a positive-outcome story, like many of yours, for a future spouse who may venture in here.
For the record, some posts here clearly were made based on incorrect interpretations of posts that had come before. That happens in forums, I surmise, so no big deal. Just want to note that I'm not controlling, a harpy, a shrew, or in need of drugs, a shrink, or a divorce lawyer. And the 75K kitchen remodel was a hypothetical situation, not something I'll be getting, though it would have been nice, come to think of it.
I guess it's chocks away, chaps! for now. A huge, huge thank you to all. I know some of those posts weren't easy to write. I appreciate them all.
"Well Tonto, it looks like our work here is done. We've got to keep this thread from circling back on itself."
Made a complete re-read of all the posts. My goal is to have a positive-outcome story, like many of yours, for a future spouse who may venture in here.
For the record, some posts here clearly were made based on incorrect interpretations of posts that had come before. That happens in forums, I surmise, so no big deal. Just want to note that I'm not controlling, a harpy, a shrew, or in need of drugs, a shrink, or a divorce lawyer. And the 75K kitchen remodel was a hypothetical situation, not something I'll be getting, though it would have been nice, come to think of it.
I guess it's chocks away, chaps! for now. A huge, huge thank you to all. I know some of those posts weren't easy to write. I appreciate them all.
"Well Tonto, it looks like our work here is done. We've got to keep this thread from circling back on itself."