A Wife's Questions

[Everskyward]

Last word: Don't look for other poeple to make you happy, find happiness within yourself.

Great last word.

 

[Jim Logajan]

Jim Logajan has listened to me on this thread more carefully and responded more thoughtfully to me about this subject than my husband has. On every other subject, my husband and I can converse endlessly and pleasantly.

Blush. Thank you for that compliment. I reviewed my posts to this thread and see that other than helping you clarify the core issues to other posters, I only volunteered a couple of suggestions. Quite a few other posters seem to understand your situation, or have their view of it, and have provided what advice or criticism they can. I don't agree with some of the advice or criticisms, but you seem to be considering all of it and responding as diplomatically as humanly possible.

It sounds like you have gotten a better idea on how to approach the situation. While I sometimes disagree with Henning, his comment that "it's just emotion standing in the way," is pretty much the key issue (well, key to most every aspect of the human condition, actually!) Emotion, not rationality, is what is driving the actions of you and your husband.

Just don't be a martyr. Aviating is a choice, a hobby, not an externally imposed disease or affliction that can be categorized in the "worse" part of "for better or worse" marriage vows. On the other hand, you obviously want him to be happy but don't understand why he is unable to reciprocate with concern for your happiness.

If you don't think he'd flip out on seeing what you've posted to this forum, you might consider directing him here and suggest he post and ask what others think of his future plans to buy a plane or increase his flying. Obviously some will tell him to dump you and fly his brains out - one good reason to not direct him here! On the other, some of us will point out that he can live happily with a lot less flying because "it's just emotion standing in the way."

 

[Becky]

If you don't think he'd flip out on seeing what you've posted to this forum, you might consider directing him here and suggest he post and ask what others think of his future plans to buy a plane or increase his flying. Obviously some will tell him to dump you and fly his brains out - one good reason to not direct him here! On the other, some of us will point out that he can live happily with a lot less flying because "it's just emotion standing in the way."

Yes, it's that "dump her!" group that keeps me from directing him here as yet! You say that aviation is choice, not an affliction. It's funny, but a pilot friend of my husband insists that it IS an affliction, so I should just think of him as sick with it!

Leslie, I'd love to hear your perspective.

We're both 56, second marriage, he has two kids, now mine, of course, who are 30 and 27. Raising them was a wild ride and it made us stronger together. You marry someone with kids, they're yours. Whole 'nother topic.

I even told him, after the kids were launched, "It's your turn now!" Never dreamed he had the vaguest interest in flying.

We talked this morning more thoroughly than ever before. We talked about how we were both too accommodating in our first marriages, got walked all over, and both of us are determined not to let that happen now. Neither of us wants to divorce. Marriage (16 years) solid in every other area.

He happily married someone, me, who loves being with him. He understands that's a good thing.

I felt a little bit heard by him. I was more open because of this thread and your responses. I feel that most people, including me, yes, tend to try to justify their own position because we don't want to be wrong. Maybe some ex-wives of pilots could talk a little about that, but where are they? Tossed under the plane. Maybe the marriages were weak to start with. Maybe not.

I certainly would never deliver an ultimatum, and appreciate those of you who affirm my attempt to deal with this issue reasonably. I'm fully aware of the consequences of ultimatums. But some of you have suggested budget and time limits as reasonable. We're venturing into that area.

It seems, though, that "reason" is not a factor with flying.

Descartes said "The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."

I know he wants to fly more and to own a plane. No question. He has stated it. I hope we can venture into that with win-win in mind.

Maybe his feelings will be shared when he feels safer. He keeps those pretty well hidden. Will he die a little inside if he can't own a plane? Will life not be worth living? People need to say these things, if they're true, so people who love them know the depth of feeling involved.

Most importantly, will we resent each other no matter what agreement is reached, or will we both grasp that "the sky's the limit" is sometimes just a slogan on an FBO sign, and that sometimes getting the best in life means giving a little of something else up?

You can't begin to understand the gratitude I feel for all of you who have read and listened here. I knew when I first posted I might get the "dump her" responses, and felt a little like a prey animal heading into a lion's den. I appreciate your candor and kindness.

And I love your stories.

 

[pbramlett]

You don't want your husband to be a Felix Unger type man.

This is common however. TV, magazines, talk shows that you have watched and listened to have made you think it's okay to feel slighted because your man has a backbone.

 

[Geico266]

Becky, your hubby is now the president of the EAA Chapter. That will require a ton of work, some of which you can do. You can get involved in aviation from a different angle and meet a lot of other women who's men have "aluminum mistresses".

Sorry to have started the "dump her" group, I tend to get to the bottom line rather quickly.

 

[ClimbnSink]

Did I read that right, the guy raised your two kids that weren't his and now you are begrudging him a measly airplane? Get out of his way or out of his life.

 

[N801BH]

Yes, it's that "dump her!" group that keeps me from directing him here as yet! You say that aviation is choice, not an affliction. It's funny, but a pilot friend of my husband insists that it IS an affliction, so I should just think of him as sick with it................

I knew when I first posted I might get the "dump her" responses, and felt a little like a prey animal heading into a lion's den. I appreciate your candor and kindness.

And I love your stories.

Ok Folks... Move along... Nothing to see here.....


And remember.... Tune in tomorrown for the next episode of:


AS THE PROP TURNS........



brought to you by proctor and gamble, tide soap products, dawn dish washing soap, kia vehicles, viagra and all the other male enhancement products....













Jus kiddin.. I am tryin to add a smile to everyones face.. That is my mission in life ya know..

 

[Everskyward]

And remember.... Tune in tomorrown for the next episode of:


AS THE PROP TURNS........

Ever notice how the relationship questions get the most answers around here?

 

[Sac Arrow]

Ever notice how the relationship questions get the most answers around here?

For what it's worth, the first post I made to relationship.com was "does anyone have any opinions on running a Turbo Arrow lean of peak?"

 

[N801BH]

Ever notice how the relationship questions get the most answers around here?

Yuppers.... I am betting this thread will get to be the top post count one on POA too.

 

[N801BH]

For what it's worth, the first post I made to relationship.com was "does anyone have any opinions on running a Turbo Arrow lean of peak?"

Geez SAC... Posting on relationship.com will get ya this answer.: Everyone knows if you run lean of peak, your erection will be "less then satisfactory"....

 

[Jim Logajan]

Descartes said "The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."

Shucks - if you are well read enough to include apropos quotes from Descartes, you no doubt have the intellect to work out some mutually happy accommodation with your husband without the inconsistent and contradictory advise we can provide! Besides, the only qualification needed to be member of this forum is the ability to use a computer.

As to directing your husband here - on further reflection, I think it might only prove useful if you were unable to start and maintain some dialog with your husband. But it sounds like that may not be needed - and could be counterproductive.

 

[Sac Arrow]

Geez SAC... Posting on relationship.com will get ya this answer.: Everyone knows if you run lean of peak, your erection will be "less then satisfactory"....

YOU were the one that answered my post weren't you?

 

[LDJones]

Joining him in flying, and especially having to learn to fly and land in the event he has an LOC event in the air, sounds as appealing to me as a root canal. I was extremely uncomfortable on the flights I took with him, in fact increasingly so with each flight. Not because of anything he did. I hate being in the air. Same with the flight I took with an instructor. So.

It doesn't seem fair, but then life isn't fair, is it? We do what we can with what we have, I guess. Survivors are those who adjust to the new data. I have to let the past go and embrace what is here now. And what may come, even if it's a large, greedy, time-consuming mistress of a hobby I didn't ask for, plunked down into the middle of my life.

A LOC because of syncope during flight is highly unlikely, unless you plan to read graphically gory stories to him while you're flying!

Seriously, if the relationship is worth saving (and it sure sounds like you care for him and want to work it out) counseling would be highly recommended to work through not only these issues, but your own fear/discomfort of flying. It's really not unlike any other phobias. Get to the root of it get it behind you so you can both enjoy something that obviously makes him very happy.

 

[Jim Logajan]

Did I read that right, the guy raised your two kids that weren't his and now you are begrudging him a measly airplane? Get out of his way or out of his life.

I think you got that wrong, she wrote: "he has two kids, now mine...."
What would your advice be given that corrected information?

 

[N801BH]

YOU were the one that answered my post weren't you?

 

[ja_user]

Wayne,

I kind of like your wife.

 

[lprellwitz]

Okay, so I started writing this, it probably qualifies as my longest post to date - but oh well; stream of consciousness does that; get comfortable...

Hi, Becky: my two and half cents is below. As is said in other arenas, 'take what you like, and leave the rest.' Please note that I'm not a therapist, and am only going from what's been written here - without hearing your husband's position directly, it's hard to know what the exact best path is.

Fair warning to anyone turned off by "touchy-feely" reading; there may be some of that in here - deal with it...

My observations are around communication, change and a little bit of compromise.

As I'm reading your postings, an image kept coming into my head, of a photo from our wedding album. The photographer had taken our wedding bands and flowers, and arranged the rings as intersecting circles - not one covering the exact same space as the other, and not one wholly enclosed within the other. Reminds me that while we're partners in our marriage, we're both still individuals as well. It's part of what keeps things interesting, and I think things would get pretty boring if that weren't the case.

The bugaboo sometimes comes in when the amount of that intersection starts changing - how to keep a balance when new activities enter the picture. Your last post provided some useful points and mileposts. We don't have any (human) children (cats are self-cleaning and don't require college funds), but your comments about raising them sounded like it was quite the experience, maybe sometimes a feeling of 'you and husband' vs. 'the kids'. I'm just guessing that that circle intersection got pretty large at points of that process, and while it would certainly make you stronger, it may not have allowed for much opportunity for either of you to, well, be 'just you', because everything is all about the kids then.
Piecing together your posts, it sounds like your husband might have gotten interested in flying right about the time you launched the younger child (18-20-ish age range); a reasonable time to evaluate and think about what to do to fill all of that free time you suddenly have So, the circle intersection gets a bit smaller as new hobbies are discovered. And, depending on your position, you're either OK with it (if you're the one who's discovering the new hobby, and find it to your liking), or not (if you're on the other side, and feel that you're 'losing out' to this new hobby).



You mentioned that this is a second marriage, and that both of you feel you were too accommodating in your first marriages; I have no way of knowing the true story, but it sounds like both of you may be digging in your heels and not want to compromise based on some of that history - you don't want the change that you feel has been imposed on you, so the response is , to undo the change (i.e., husband not fly); your husband, having finally gotten the opportunity to find something that he enjoys and has a sense of considerable personal accomplishment (having started your training a while ago, I'm sure you understand what it takes to not only start private pilot training, to say nothing of completing it with ticket in hand), is concerned about falling back into the 'accommodating' mode by being asked to stop doing what he's worked to achieve to date. If the conversations to this point have consistently been focused around asking him to stop flying, I can see why the response may be to not discuss it; it will be seen as "same old conversation, I'm not giving this up no matter what she says....." heels dig in, and the door shuts closed.

I've only mentioned flying a little bit so far because I don't think it's about flying specifically; I think you could put almost any new hobby or interest in this same situation. I think the key success factor on this will come from some compromise and balance on this, and I think you get that as well. Not knowing your husband's specific actions, I can only offer input on what I see in your posts, which would focus on your reactions to things. Please note that I'm not saying that you have to be the only one to make a compromise or two just because more words are placed in that direction; it's just because we haven't heard your husband's side, so I can't comment on it.


As a pilot, I would agree with many of the other posters here, in that stopping flying altogether would not be realistic. I chose aviation as a hobby to try something new and scratch a long-dormant itch; and went from being quite scared before my first intro flight, to hooked by the time we landed. It was just like a light switch, and to be asked to turn it off entirely after it's been flipped on, with all the work, sweat and tears expended to get to where I am so far (private pilot with instrument rating)...... I'll put it this way: I have a couple of college degrees that were no small feat to obtain; but I value that plastic card from the FAA in my wallet almost as highly as I do those framed pieces of paper, because of what it represents to me; an accomplishment that I chose to undertake, a journey that many others along the way have started but not completed, but I can stand up at the end of the day and say, 'I am a pilot.' I value it all the more when I think of people I've met who started their training, but were derailed at some point due to various factors (family, money, time, fill in the blank); their stories of training all seem to end with a sigh of regret at not finishing - and a request to fly vicariously through me, which I don't mind at all. Guess it's good it was a vicarious flying; on our first trip to the Bahamas, we'd have been way over weight and balance trying to fit everybody in the Skylane in person

In my case, once my husband saw I was serious about going this route, he started to get curious about flying, but not an outright fan in the beginning, just a few pieces at first - initial step was wanting to learn to read maps to help out, but not fly; then to 'just a few lessons, in case I need to land in an emergency', but not fly as PIC; then the competitive streak set in, and it was off to the races; we kept our flight instructor very busy that summer


If he hadn't been curious about flying, would I have stopped? I would probably say no; that sense of personal accomplishment for me was pretty significant, and I'm the type that wants to finish what she starts, so I would still fly. If he had been not just 'not curious', but adamantly opposed to my flying, would I have stopped? Probably yes, but it would have left me feeling that I 'got walked over', and made a very unbalanced accommodation in that partnership.

But before hanging up the wings, I think I certainly would have tried to find out what the reason was for the opposition, and come up with ways to include him in some aspect of aviation so he can get a sense of how important it is to me, and have him share my newfound happiness in some way. If , after discussion and having alternatives for inclusion shot down, the final reason came down to "I just don't want you to fly, because I don't want things to change, and I want you to spend all of your time with me", then I would start to feel pretty ticked off - it would feel like he's not at all interested in what makes me happy, and that the marriage is all about his comfort rather than a balance for both of us. And if that's the case, we've entered a whole new set of discussions, most likely ending with legal counsel on both sides.

And then the wings would come back down off of the shelf


(OK, at this point, y'all might be interested to know that I've taken a break in writing, gone down to have dinner and come back up to the computer - so I guess it's time to wrap this up....)


So a few things to consider in short:

- First; I think you'll need to get comfortable with the idea that flying is in your world for now. It is a change that is unlikely to be reversed, regardless of how you may choose to dig in the heels. The key is how to make at least some of it part of that circle intersection between the two of you, rather than being completely in his 'outer segment'.

- Confirm that you are rock-solid convinced that you will be unable to get in a plane due to the physical sensations. I know you've said before that flying for you is a non-starter, but I only ask because of a couple of things in your posts give me some pause as to whether it's permanently, absolutely non-changeable: that you did start your own flying at some point, that you initially noted that you got out of it due to expense and your friends' accident (i.e., not a physical sensation thing at the time; and that accident can be a huge mental barrier to overcome, the feeling that you may fall out of the sky at some point too.... but is not insurmountable), that you're not so uncomfortable in larger planes (might a different plane make a difference? Not sure what planes your husband is currently renting, but hopping around for currency in the pattern and practice area in a Cessna 152 is a very different experience than a cross-country flight in (to me) the greater comfort of a Cessna 182). My only input would be to be real honest with yourself on this one; it will be easy to jump to "I just can't do it" because it's a comfortable response, but getting to the root of 'why' will make a big difference. Someone else mentioned that this may be a medical issue; I'm not a physician, but if the sensation problem is apparent in other situations (I think you mentioned carnival rides or roller coasters somewhere, but I could be misremembering things), it's worth checking out.


- If you can confirm the above (rock-solid no way to get in the plane, physical issue that is uncorrectable, let's say),consider asking your husband to brainstorm with you about ways you can get involved with aviation aside from stepping in the plane. Just as you may be hanging in the 'no fly no way' camp, he may be looking around and seeing that the predominant way non-pilot spouses participate in aviation is to get in the plane for a ride, so it's the solution he's focusing on; I know how my husband can certainly be quick to focus on one solution, while not always thinking through alternatives. But that's not necessarily the only solution; get creative here! Other forms of participation could be structured (e.g., being part of the ground crew on Angel Flights, if your time permits; no flying on your part (some driving perhaps), but you're in some sync with the aviation community), or less structured (go out to the airport sometime when he's practicing, have a seat on the bench, watch the takeoffs and landings, hold up rating cards , and get to know the folks on the field a bit - again, a way to get introduced into the community without needing to be behind the yoke yourself), or something in between. The key is that you're expressing a interest in this part of his world and taking the steps to become a bit more involved, rather than giving a vibe that you wish it would simply disappear.


- Key to that conversation above is that your husband knows that you're not asking him to give up flying entirely (again, you need to be really OK with that, it will keep that communication door open), and that as a pilot who will be more in tune with the opportunities in aviation, that you value his input to find ways to share in this new activity 1) while you work up to getting in the plane at some point, or 2) even though you're physically unable to fly in small planes, whichever applies.

​

As to your husband's part in this; if he sees that you're trying to meet him partway on this, it might be reasonable for him to meet you partway too, perhaps on the time aspect - not a set limit of 'X' hours and no more, but to get that balance of 'ground time' with you as well as time in the air . You may be able to mix it up a bit - meet him for a meal after he's been flying, ask how things went - if there's one thing pilots never run out of, it's flying stories And you may find that he's not quite as grumpy with the ground time if he at least knows that you're not asking him to give up everything, and that you're actively looking to get involved in a way that's possible for you.


From what you've written, it sounds like you have a solid marriage in other areas, and can communicate on other subjects just fine, which is the best thing. I do believe aviation can be a successful area for both of you as well, with a little compromise and creativity. And it's a good conversation to have as a precursor for when YOU get 'bitten' with the bug for a hobby that you're gaga about, that the hubby just can't understand and get into initially - he may not have an interest board to take it to, so lots of good notes here


Best of luck, Leslie

 

[TMetzinger]

Ever notice how the relationship questions get the most answers around here?

That's because we Pilots know EVERYTHING about flying, and most of us feel we still have learning to do as far as relationships go.

So we can invest a little bit more in this topic.

Becky, good luck with communicating. Ghe good thing about putting the work into the communication is that even if it ends "badly", you get closure and get to move on knowing that you did the best that you could.

93Kilo's still wrong on the PIC/SIC thing though

 

[TMetzinger]

Okay, so I started writing this, it probably qualifies as my longest post to date - but oh well; stream of consciousness does that; get comfortable...

<SNIP>

Best of luck, Leslie

Leslie, you're the best.

 

[Everskyward]

That's because we Pilots know EVERYTHING about flying, and most of us feel we still have learning to do as far as relationships go.

So we can invest a little bit more in this topic.

I could tell a relationship story about two pilots that still ended with the growing apart thing...

 

[Matthew]

I could tell a relationship story about two pilots that still ended with the growing apart thing...

Must have been that high wing vs low wing deal.

 

[gprellwitz]

Well, Click & Clack have Car Talk, and the Pilots of America has Hangar Talk! Yup, that short treatise was my wife. And she did great! Becky, listen to her. I think she was a psychotherapist in another life!

You indicated that spending vacation time together was important. You might consider selecting locales where he can fly himself and you can join him via airline, bus, train, or car, until (unless?) you become comfortable flying in personal aircraft. It seems to me that this aversion is something that can be overcome with counseling, though.

Since I've been accused of focusing on a single solution and sticking with it, I'll stop there! LOL

Seriously, though, Leslie put a LOT of thought and time into her post. It would truly behoove you to read it carefully. Then read it again. And again.

Biased? Me?

 

[Everskyward]

Must have been that high wing vs low wing deal.

 

[gprellwitz]

Must have been that high wing vs low wing deal.

Nope. Nose vs. Tail!




Think about it.


(Just to re-inject a little humor into what can be a very worrisome thread!)

 

[Aztec Driver]

Becky,
I'll give you a husband's perspective.

My wife and I have been married for 31 years, raised two children and sent them onward to their own lives, much as you and your husband. We are only a few years your junior. We are not high wage earners, so money is a constant limiter. We try to do things to make each other happy, and we spend a lot of time together, almost to the exclusion of having many friends. Our lives pretty much revolve around each other.

My wife gave me a Discovery flight about 11 years ago, not realizing how much I would enjoy it. I was hooked pretty quickly and proceeded to spend a lot of time and money obtaining the private certificate. I did not enjoy the money drain, but I justified it with the accomplishment. My wife could not understand my desires for this "hobby," but put up with it because it made me happy. We had a lot of stress in our family life at that time, and this was an outlet that took my mind off problems.

My wife had very little desire to fly with me. She would come along with me to short trips to the beach, or to other destinations that had a purpose, but not just for the sheer joy of flying. She had no sheer joy of flying, it was not her passion.

I then decided I needed to get the instrument rating to enable me to get better utility out of flying. Why? Certainly not because I wanted to save money or make money flying, because I could still do neither. In all honesty, I just wanted more. If my wife had given me an ultimatum at that time, It would not have ended well for her. Nowadays I could probably at least compromise a little, but back then it was clear to me I needed to fly.

After getting the instrument rating, I decided to get my multi-engine rating, which culminated in a 1/3 partnership purchase in an airplane. That was a huge drain on monetary resources and required a little borrowing to accommodate. We did have a long discussion on this part, and, although she was not a big fan of it, she did agree to it. After a few trips visiting a few travel destinations, she started to enjoy that method of travel better than driving. She enjoyed getting to the destination faster and more relaxed than spending hours driving.

She still refuses to go up flying with me on practice flights or on any flight that does not culminate in an appropriate destination for her, but she does plan and accompany me on any vacation flight for the two of us. We will drive together if necessary. I am now a commercial pilot, so I now make a little bit of money in my "hobby" to help offset the cost of feeding and housing my "adopted child."

She has several hobbies as well, none of which I really enjoy. I will, however, take part in them occasionally, as I know how important they are to her. She really enjoys riding motorcycle. It is something that she found she enjoys after my daughter gave up her motorcycle to me when she moved. We both decided to get our license together, and she found she really enjoyed it. I really do not, but I will occasionally join her for a ride because she wants the company. She also loves to redecorate the interior of the house, which I absolutely hate. By redecorate, I mean tear up flooring and rebuild rooms. She does a great job. I only help her with the work she physically cannot do. She asks for my opinion and gets irritated when I say "whatever."

We only really have each other, but we do have different loves and passions. She has said she could never think of asking me to quit something I love to do. On the other hand, at least at this point in my life, if she really wanted me to stop, I would try to work something out to both of our benefits. I would never ask her to stop tearing up the house, even though I absolutely hate it. I would probably live in a cardboard box as long as it had heat.

Point being it is something that the two of you need to compromise on, not "my way or the highway" for either one of you. Flying is important to him. If you can, join him for a destination flight and enjoy the destination and use the flight as a means to get there only. He'll be happier because you took part with him. If you cannot, tell him why you cannot, but be honest. If it is an issue of money drain, tell him your concerns. Ask him to join you with your hobbies.

 

[Anthony]

I believe the OP is long gone, having not really heard what she wanted to hear, but reading this thread makes me proud of the individuals here and the sound advice given in a non-controversial, non-threatening manner. Nice job folks.

 

[TMetzinger]

I could tell a relationship story about two pilots that still ended with the growing apart thing...

Oh heck yes... people do grow apart. The world is smaller, there are more options available.

 

[Aztec Driver]

I believe the OP is long gone, having not really heard what she wanted to hear, but reading this thread makes me proud of the individuals here and the sound advice given in a non-controversial, non-threatening manner. Nice job folks.

She posted again just yesterday. Maybe she doesn't live on the board like the rest of us with no lives.

 

[Henning]

I believe the OP is long gone, having not really heard what she wanted to hear, but reading this thread makes me proud of the individuals here and the sound advice given in a non-controversial, non-threatening manner. Nice job folks.

Oh he'll no, she'll never be gone... She found attention, And the feedback she was looking for; we're surrogate for the husbands lack of communication. We serve as her functionary into his aviation world. Here she'll get the communication quantity she desires and the ability to find the information to be able to engage in aviation conversation with her husband. Nope, she's here for good.

 

[Geico266]

Must have been that high wing vs low wing deal.

Now that was funny.

 

[Geico266]

Oh he'll no, she'll never be gone... She found attention, And the feedback she was looking for; we're surrogate for the husbands lack of communication. We serve as her functionary into his aviation world. Here she'll get the communication quantity she desires and the ability to find the information to be able to engage in aviation conversation with her husband. Nope, she's here for good.

I hope she sticks around, sure hope Leslie does too. My eyes glazed over trying to read her long post, but I got the drift. She is a thoughtful and caring woman. Lots of people here are.

 

[Geico266]

I believe the OP is long gone, having not really heard what she wanted to hear, but reading this thread makes me proud of the individuals here and the sound advice given in a non-controversial, non-threatening manner. Nice job folks.

I hope most see my "divorce now" attitude was with therapeutic intent. A "shock jock" kinda approach. They are headed that way IMHO if things don't change. Hope she backs off and let's him fly, buy a plane, and supports his dreams.

 

[JoeSelch]

What would happen if you (Becky) were to encourage and give him free rein to pursue his passion for aviation to his heart's content?

Right now he's longing for something he's yet to experience and it's likely to eat away at him until he does ... perhaps forcing him to make a decision in favor of that seemingly greener grass without the opportunity to ever establish balance naturally, on his own (that is, not being "forced" to negotiate that balance in advance or without ever seeing that other side).

My guess - he might go a crazy with it, buying a plane and flying the pants off it for a year. Then, relax into a level of intensity that many many pilots have - even with virtually "unlimited" access to wings and sky ... something more than he does now, but with less urgency attached to it now that he has experienced what is possible.

 

[denverpilot]

I'm amazed at your responses. Thank you for your thoughtful replies. Your suggestions and insights are giving me much to think about. It also helps an amazing amount to know there are other wives out there who are dealing with this. I honestly was feeling completely alone in this, which is why I posted.

Everywhere I looked to find a reasonable discussion, I mostly saw posts of the "first wife didn't like it, so ditched her! Second wife does, so now all is fine and dandy!" type. Even on AOPA you see that.

But you guys are realistic and finding ways to make it all work. Like I said, much to think about. And ideas to try. I'm very grateful.

One of my co-owners tells the story of his wife's first flight in our lovely airplane... Didn't stop screaming after the first turn was made and they were back on the ground at the departure airport.

Some people just don't like it.

She appreciates it if he keeps the fiscal outlay to a dull roar, but supports him flying still, and has for many years. He takes the airplane on longer trips to the Dakotas to see his family and some friends, but on those trips he's solo or dragging a local hunting buddy along. They'll never do the "family vacation" with the airplane.

 

[Becky]

Did I read that right, the guy raised your two kids that weren't his and now you are begrudging him a measly airplane? Get out of his way or out of his life.

I think you got that wrong, she wrote: "he has two kids, now mine...."
What would your advice be given that corrected information?

Jim, I hope Mrs. L appreciates the close attention you pay to communication.

YES, THEY WERE MY HUSBAND'S KIDS AND I DID HANG IN THERE FOR ALL OF US!!! LIKE I SAID, IT WAS A WILD RIDE!

But I don't think it gives me many points to try and claim. He would have hung in there with me if they'd been my kids.

And I'm not long gone. I would not leave without saying something ... you have been SO great. I didn't come here to hear what I "wanted to hear." I came here for your insights and suggestions, which you have been most generous with. I can no longer handily categorize pilots and aviation enthusiasts as oblivious to their loved ones' feelings. So there goes that.

I realize this issue has to be settled between my husband and me, not me and you all. I like resolution, not drama!

Leslie is indeed awesome, and I have been carefully reading her thoughts and some of the other posts I somehow missed. I've read them all over again now. Absorbing all these stories and suggestions and experiences is making me see some things. Things you would probably be glad that I am seeing. Things I can do to make this easier for both of us, and to let the whole thing unfold without clinging to the belief that it isn't fair or rational for him to impose it on me. Leslie, especially, but also many others of you, suggested some specific things I can do to make it better as we go along.

It helps to know many of your wives are okay with you flying, though they don't share your interest. And that many wives did in fact learn to like flying, or if not actually liking it, at least flying with you now and then.

My husband is picking up on my change in attitude. We are talking. I feel more relaxed about things, and I don't think my previous level of anger and frustration will return, because I do feel heard now. So some of that stress is off my husband.

Henning, I can't hang out here on the site forever. I'm not a pilot!

I think this is a great community, though, and I'd love to be able to come back now and then if I have aviation questions that I can't find answers to anywhere else.

And if there were a forum somewhere for non-flying spouses, I'd probably visit it. Hopefully with an encouraging tone. We are somewhat of an overlooked group, you know. However, on this thread, you've come up trumps for us!

Gratefully,
Becky

 

[N801BH]

..... I like resolution, not drama!....Gratefully,
Becky

She's backkkkkk.....

And I want a DNA test done to prove she is really a she....

 

[Geico266]

Henning, I can't hang out here on the site forever. I'm not a pilot!

Yea, like that stops half the people here.

 

[Geico266]

She's backkkkkk.....

And I want a DNA test done to prove she is really a she....

Oh, she is a she alright, it's confirmed by her posts! Guys are too simple to concoct a drama like that.

 

[Jeanie]

It's not drama. It's normal female thinking things through..... And it sounds like that she has, despite some of the rougher responses, benefited from the various perspectives here and that overall the POAers have been of positive effect..... For her understanding, processing and it sounds like their new ability to communicate as a couple about a tricky subject.
Thats pretty good yall