A Wife's Questions

[Jim Logajan]

1) How often should a pilot fly in order to truly stay safe? I have seen (online search) anywhere from 50 to 150 hours. I have asked a couple of people who fly whether it is safe to "dabble" at 20 or so hours per year, like my husband has done for the last 8 years, and they say no and look rather alarmed.

Since he has been averaging 20 hours per year for the past 8 years, I think your flying friends are being overly alarmed.

He does meet the minimum landings per three-month period, but often goes a month or two without flying at all. Naturally, this concern about "dabbling" makes me uncomfortable about flying with him.

Every 24 months he has to get a flight review. You might suggest he take an instructor up with him more often than that to review his flying. I have gone months without flying - the basic skills do not vanish that quickly.

2) How can a wife talk to her husband about flying and her feelings about it when he has apparently been "bitten" and can't talk about it rationally? It seems like a drug addiction to me, in a way. In every other area he is perfectly conversant and companionable.

It can become an obsession with one or more root causes. None of them are "rational".

Obviously this has been ongoing. He wants to share flying with me. I took pinch hitter classes, and went up with an instructor, and have flown with my husband. The sad fact is that I simply and intensely do not enjoy flying, and can't pretend to. And I can't pretend to "not care" if he were at some point to ramp up his flying (buying a plane has been mentioned!!!), because I don't want to lose increasing numbers of adventures and sharing life with him. He doesn't want that, either, but seems in thrall to the hobby nonetheless.

Have you considered directing him to this forum? While there is unfortunately too many enablers who will unthinkingly encourage he buy/fly more, there are a fair number of people who will dash the needed cold water on any plans to "buy".

For example, buying only makes fiscal sense if he starts spending on the order of $12,000 or more per year on flying. That's probably around 2 hours a week, every week. Throw in time to pre- and post-flight and traveling to and from the airport and that could be 4 hours a week invested. He needs to understand that is a large step up from 20 hours a year. He likely could not sustain a 5 times or more greater rate of flying over the course of multiple years to justify buying.

Thank you ... I know this touches some sensitive spots, perhaps. I am looking for perspectives I may be missing, or keys to communicating with my husband in this situation. At present I do hold the belief that large, time- and resource-intensive hobbies should be agreed upon by both partners, and not simply inflicted on one of them. But reaching any sort of compromise or agreement would require actual conversation, which this particular hobby seems to disable!

Obviously he enjoys flying and has wanted to try sharing that with you and you have tried your best too. I actually agree with you on why small airplanes are not all that fun, so I think I understand your view. They aren't all that great even for sight-seeing. That said, I still enjoy the things flying allows me even as I wish the aircraft were better, but I have come to terms with what is possible and available.

Wish I had some keys to pass along on the communications issue, but I'm not very good with direct personal communications; my wife will confirm that!

 

[N747JB]

Q: "Takeoffs are optional. Landings are not." When is that not true?

A: When your girlfriend is in the airplane, and your wife shows up at the airport.

About 12-13 years ago I was flying home from the beach, I had dropped off my sister and some of her friends, a girl that was the girlfriend of one of my dad's friends came along. Well, she was a REALLY cute blonde, and was sitting up front with me when I pulled up to the FBO. One of the line guys came to the foul weather window and whispered, "your wife is here waiting" I kind of blew it off and he was like, "really John, she's here!" Sure enough, my wife and kids came out and hugged Hillary and off we all went. But, I did notice every face in the building looking out at us when my wife walked up to the plane. I guess they thought they were going to see a knock down drag out cat fight!!
At first I was flattered that they thought this chick was my g/f, then I was insulted that they thought I HAD a g/f, then I was more insulted that they thought if I had a g/f that I would be dumb enough to bring her to my home FBO!

 

[LDJones]

Same way. Mrs. Steingar doesn't go on every flight, and that's fine. But if we want to go somewhere the aircraft is always a valued option, and we have had some absolutely wonderful adventures together. And I have always been very, very, very proud of her. She's prone to airsickness but goes anyway. And sometimes it is hot and bumpy, but she soldiers on. She spots traffic and runways before I do, and has a GPS chip in her head. Well, it rather seems that way, at least. I love having her along. Some of our best memories are in association with that aircraft.

Our first date was in a plane and we got engaged in the same one three years later, so flying was sort of in the contract. But since then we've had amazing experiences by air. On a trip to Cape Cod the controllers at Buffalo NY provided a wonderful little diversion over Niagara Falls. We've flown to family events half way across the country with less hassle and quicker travel times than flying the airlines. In one case we were the only ones that arrived on schedule for a family reunion when every other sibling got held up by either maintenance or weather delays on the airlines, one arriving a full day later. We've enjoyed day trips as well as overnight campouts at OSH when our son was little. We've gone to Mooney conventions and made great friends from all over the country.

But in all that she's never once gone along just for the ride. It's only been when there was a destination in mind.

 

[Rose2012]

Obviously this has been ongoing. He wants to share flying with me. I took pinch hitter classes, and went up with an instructor, and have flown with my husband. The sad fact is that I simply and intensely do not enjoy flying, and can't pretend to. And I can't pretend to "not care" if he were at some point to ramp up his flying (buying a plane has been mentioned!!!), because I don't want to lose increasing numbers of adventures and sharing life with him. He doesn't want that, either, but seems in thrall to the hobby nonetheless.

I would simply ask him why it's so important that you two share flying together, especially when you aren't interested. Are you not spending time together as it is? That's my only guess, at least. I do think if he's logging only 20 or so hours a year, you don't really need to worry about him buying an airplane. And he can safety fly that much a year as long as he knows his personal limits.

I'm in sort of the same situation as your husband - I would love to share flying with mine but he's 100% uninterested in GA. Oh, well - we find other things to do together.

 

[Tom-D]

I'd say 75% of my customers fly less than 50 hours per year and most of them fly less than 25 hours per year.

 

[brcase]

Becky, my first and only wife of 21 years does not share my passion for flying either. We enjoy many other aspects of our lives together, but also realize there we both need space, and time to be individuals. She has actively encouraged my passion for flight to the point of suggesting I "Go buy another airplane" during a financially uncertain time in our lives, when the stress I was dealing with was enormously high. She knew flying was a huge stress reliever for me...

The point is, we are a couple but also two individuals who are willing to spend time apart in order to make our times together even more satisfying....

This post pretty much mirrors what I was going to say and how my wife of 20 years feels. She did encourage me to work on additional ratings and I eventually got my Flight Instructor Certificate which now provides some additional income to support my flying habit.

As others have said 20-30 hours a year is fine for staying proficient for recreational flying and should be enough to scratch his itch to go flying.

I am sure he knows you don't care to fly so the best thing you can do is encourage him to go fly every couple weeks. He may ask you to go with him, to be polite, but it should be fine for you to turn him down and tell him to go fly anyway. He will feel a lot better doing it if you encourage him to go, than if he feels like you would prefer he would stay home or do something else. He will likely still only fly 20-30 hours per year but will be a lot happier flying those hours if you encourage him to do so.

Plus he will feel like he owes you something for this support. That started the "You have your flying..." Discussion with my wife that ended up with us purchasing her a motorcycle.

Brian
CFIIG/ASEL

 

[jamie_landers]

My ex-wife didn't like flying either. My current wife does.

First of all.... Hilarious.... And true.

I had the unbelievable dumb blind luck 7 or 8 years ago to literally stumble upon a retired air force colonel (A-10 and F-117 stealth) that was hobby flight instructing for a few months. This guy is still one of my closest and dearest friends. We hit happy hour to talk aviation 4 or so days a week.

According to him, and now I agree, attitude toward private flight is the primary driver.

In the past 2 years I've been a 20 or 30 hour a year pilot... I'm well aware of the possible hazards that presents. My awareness of those hazards, and willingness to address those issues honestly will likely prevent headlines...

To quote another user, there's all manner of flying.... Each must be approached honestly and with insight.

I'm sure many will disagree with this, but I believe there are 2 parts to flying. The first is the "muscle memory" of currency. This part will atrophy with time... Lives are saved with the mental game of flying. A man need not be AGL to review procedures, think through situations, make dreams and mentally fly trips.

I'm not current. I'll get that way soon, this weekend likely... The last time I exercised my privilege as PIC with passengers was in April.

Every single day, 7 days a week I plan an IFR flight with current WX conditions... The planning includes W&B calculations, planned fuel stops, FBO selection, taxi plans... The whole bit.

If your husband is a head in the game and fully aware of the real risks pilot, he's fine.

As far as you enjoying it.... I'd suggest getting your head in the game of what all is to enjoy. Do me one favor before you write off his aviation hobby.... Suggest an overnight trip, just the two of you, to a town around 2 hours driving away. Let him enjoy the flying, the two of you together enjoy the time... Then come back here and tell us your take on his flying habit.

Good bless and good luck!

 

[TMetzinger]

If it stays in the 20-30 hr range, good weather, okay, that's about what it is right now. Thanks.

Aside from being hypnotized or in a drugged state, I'm certain at this point (after many attempts) that I couldn't enjoy being cramped in that little tube, bouncing up and down, worried about (single!) engine failure, wishing I could be in one of the cars I see on the ground, just wanting to be back on the ground in general, and resenting that I have to be put in this position repeatedly to "share" time with my husband.

Bingo on passive-aggressive. Not known for being an effective strategy for a healthy relationship. Neither my husband nor I wants me to be the ex-wife.

Yes, he's the breadwinner. We both contribute in important ways to our life together. I'm sure we would both say that flying is the only area of conflict we have. Which makes it more difficult ... we do enjoy being together.

Find something you love that he doesn't. Go do that while he's flying. And realize that for some people flying is such a passion that it does lead to divorce. And in those cases the divorce is the right choice.

Edit: If he's insistent on sharing flying with you, that's his issue to solve, not yours. I love flying, and would divorce if "not flying" was a condition of staying married. No question, no hesitation. But I am fine with it being MY passion, it doesn't have to be my partner's passion (and it's not). Heck, my wife follows politics, and I've had to be firm about her leaving me out of that. It hurt her feelings a little, but she adjusted. I think the key thing is to make it clear that when you say "that's not for me" you in no way imply "and it shouldn't be for you, either".

 

[catmandu]

Find something you love that he doesn't. Go do that while he's flying.

And, Becky, as you have already learned, you are not alone. Go find another spouse that shares your (incredibly unbelievable ) intolerance. Make it a disjointed couples date: the fliers go fly, the landlubbers go . . . landlub!

 

[tonycondon]

you might encourage him to look into some flying outlets that will allow him to fly more and without you. he might be bummed out because the only thing he can think of to do while flying is to go somewhere, but you don't want to go with him. maybe have him look into local flying clubs which make flying not only more cheaper but also more of a social activity (glider clubs in particular are really good for the social aspect) and maybe young eagles or animal rescue flight organizations. if there is a glider club near by they need towpilots and that could not only keep him flying, but not having to pay for it. shoot if he can swing it financially encourage him to start working down the path of getting his CFI so that he has something to do when he retires. He'll love you for wanting him to fly more, not less, and you'll probably feel better about him flying knowing that he is doing it more often and staying much more proficient. Heck you might feel so good about it that you'll be more likely to go on a trip with him.

 

[pbramlett]

About 12-13 years ago I was flying home from the beach, I had dropped off my sister and some of her friends, a girl that was the girlfriend of one of my dad's friends came along. Well, she was a REALLY cute blonde, and was sitting up front with me when I pulled up to the FBO. One of the line guys came to the foul weather window and whispered, "your wife is here waiting" I kind of blew it off and he was like, "really John, she's here!" Sure enough, my wife and kids came out and hugged Hillary and off we all went. But, I did notice every face in the building looking out at us when my wife walked up to the plane. I guess they thought they were going to see a knock down drag out cat fight!!
At first I was flattered that they thought this chick was my g/f, then I was insulted that they thought I HAD a g/f, then I was more insulted that they thought if I had a g/f that I would be dumb enough to bring her to my home FBO!

Hillarious.

 

[kimberlyanne546]

To the original poster / wife:

As a woman and as a pilot, I don't have much to add (and I'm not married).

However, I want you to know that you are not alone. I hang out a lot at the airport. I also hang out at other airports and I even travel across the USA to hang out with EAST COAST pilots at EAST COAST airports!

In addition to hanging out, I often have married male pilots as my passengers.

Some of them bring their wives to these gatherings or flights with me, and some do not. When I am all alone, without any of the wives, and it is just me and the guys, I do hear a lot of these stories.

What I'm saying is - I know from experience - that other couples have a husband who flies for a hobby and a wife that does not want to join him every time he rents the airplane.

The men do seem to want their wives to like it or at least be supportive, and often over a beer with me they do complain about it.

Regarding the safety issue, however, I probably won't be able to afford more than 40 hours per year of flying myself. I think I've gone a month in between flights, but I try not to go more than 2 weeks. If I did go a month or two without flying I personally would be OK with that. If I was concerned perhaps I would hire an instructor to go up with me.

 

[gismo]

1 vote for "Post of the Year"

That's a Gordon Baxter quote from about 30 years ago.

 

[jonnyjetprop]

If you are OK with your husband flying alone or with friends, set a budget and let him know that you are OK with it.

If you are not OK with him flying, then marriage counseling may be a better investment.

My wife doesn't enjoy flying either. I'm not always sure if she is truly OK with my spending money on something she doesn't enjoy.

If it stays in the 20-30 hr range, good weather, okay, that's about what it is right now. Thanks.

Aside from being hypnotized or in a drugged state, I'm certain at this point (after many attempts) that I couldn't enjoy being cramped in that little tube, bouncing up and down, worried about (single!) engine failure, wishing I could be in one of the cars I see on the ground, just wanting to be back on the ground in general, and resenting that I have to be put in this position repeatedly to "share" time with my husband.

Bingo on passive-aggressive. Not known for being an effective strategy for a healthy relationship. Neither my husband nor I wants me to be the ex-wife.

Yes, he's the breadwinner. We both contribute in important ways to our life together. I'm sure we would both say that flying is the only area of conflict we have. Which makes it more difficult ... we do enjoy being together.

 

[somorris]

Hi Becky.

There are a lot of ways to fly fairly inexpensively if your husband is concerned about the money he is spending. Encourage him, and maybe work with him, on finding some of those less expensive ways, then encourage him to go do it. If he wound up buying a single place airplane (like a Flybaby, Pitts S1, etc.), you wouldn't have to worry about going with him .

 

[Topper]

My wife does not love flying. She has no desire to go fly with me just for the sake of flying. She is willing to fly with me when we have somewhere to go.

She trusts me and my judgement. Flying may be something you can never become comfortable with. Maybe if he were to fly a minimum number of hours with an instructor per year or work on additional ratings, you would start to feel better about it. Maybe if you flew with him and an instructor a few times in smooth air. It is also possible that you will never be comfortable with it and it will have to be his thing.

Are you more concerned about having to fly with him, or that something might happen when he is alone?

Jim

 

[Piloto]

Like my wife says: I don't mind flying on an old plane it is just flying with an old pilot. We have been flying together since my college days and she feels pretty confident flying with me as long I reward her with new clothing, shoes, jewelry. I do not understand why women need to have 20 pairs of shoes while I only need two pairs.

José

 

[RV10flyer]

I used to rent and fly 25 hours/yr too and that was sufficient to remain current for local flying after my Private in 2008. My wife of 23 years and two kids helped me build our experimental four place RV-10. We sacrificed for four years prior to finishing last December 1st. We now have 95.2 hours on it, 25 of those were solo test flying. They were not much into building and are not really much into flying. We keep a list of "Places to Fly" on the refrigerator and check one off whenever we save up the money. My wife enjoys knitting, crocheting, reading, checking weather, taking a few pics, looking at the beautiful scenery and keeping the family fed on trips. I love wool yarns too...they are great for making my socks/hats/gloves/sweaters to wear in the plane and $100 worth does not affect our weight and balance. Once at our destination she enjoys looking for new yarn stores...my yarn harlot. We all enjoy visiting historic sites, parks, museums, lakes, new restaurants and educational sites. She gets a little nervous in weather, but knows that I am very safety conscious and has witnessed several 180* turns back to good weather or an airport to wait it out. Our kids either sleep, read, play with their ipods or ask "how much farther". They think I am Einstein as I am always telling them right to the second straight off of my EFIS(Instruments). The kids do like a little low/high G maneuvers(Roller Coaster Dad)whereas the wife not so much. Sometimes we go places that I know will be boring. That is okay because I am probably checking weather, POA and planning the trip home.

Like many have said, find a hobby to do either while he is gone flying or take one with you...wife just purchased a portable easel? for doing watercolors on the road or in our case on the fly. Now pick a place 2-3 hours drive time and fly to it one good wx weekend, rent a car, stay at a holiday inn and enjoy. Oh, tell him to get on here too.

 

[HerrGruyere]

My girlfriend does not like flying. However, without her, I would not have my license. She's the one that told me to quit freakin' babbling about planes all the time and go fly them. She pushed me headfirst into aviation and encouraged me to sign up for some classes.

However, I took her on a ride and she about cried when the plane backfired starting up. Despite that, she's still on board for trying at least a few flights. She really wants to head to New Bern to visit her parents. She hasn't flown during the day and I think she would get a kick out of it.

But, if she doesn't, she won't be upset at me for flying. She finds things to do in the meantime. Yesterday while I was getting my night currency in shape, she went and had dinner with her friend. Who knows, maybe one day she might really enjoy flying. I've toyed with the idea of her taking some lessons so she can get a feel for what the aircraft does and why it happens.

 

[steingar]

My wife enjoys knitting, crocheting, reading, checking weather, taking a few pics, looking at the beautiful scenery and keeping the family fed on trips. I love wool yarns too...they are great for making my socks/hats/gloves/sweaters to wear in the plane and $100 worth does not affect our weight and balance. Once at our destination she enjoys looking for new yarn stores...my yarn harlot.

Yeah, same with Mrs. Steingar. I tend to encourage the activity, both because it involves her more deeply in the trips, and I get some killer scarves out of the deal.

 

[Anthony]

Ask yourself an honest question. Is it really about flying or about controlling your husband's time and how much he spends with you?

Do you want your husband, or do you want a mere shell of his former self?

For some reason many wives think that their husbands riding Harleys is fine, but get into a small plane? Never. Asks the docs at the emergency room what type of accidents they see.

 

[John221us]

Ask yourself an honest question. Is it really about flying or about controlling your husband's time and how much he spends with you?

Do you want your husband, or do you want a mere shell of his former self?

For some reason many wives think that their husbands riding Harleys is fine, but get into a small plane? Never. Asks the docs at the emergency room what type of accidents they see.

I agree with this. This sounds like a control thing. Unless you have some particular reason for being against it (sole breadwinner for a brood of small children, poor family finances, etc.), he is an adult and is entitled to have his own interests. Some play golf and some ride Harley's. Pick your poison.

 

[tmyers]

My girlfriend does not like flying. However, without her, I would not have my license. She's the one that told me to quit freakin' babbling about planes all the time and go fly them. She pushed me headfirst into aviation and encouraged me to sign up for some classes.

Kind of ironic reading the posts on this subject. My Ex wife hated the thought of me spending a dime on flying. She nagged and complained and fussed till out of a desire to just get along I gave it up. Well there were other things she didn't want do do with me either so she became my ex wife in 2005.

Met someone in 2006 and she quickly picked up on how much I loved flying and for my 50th gave me a gift certificate at the local FBO to take a bi-annnual and recurrent training. She even came along for the bi-annual and endured the slow flight, stalls and steep turns with class. She is now my wife and worked with me from renting to joining a local flying club to encouraging me to purchase my 77 Arrow III.

She doesn't get to fly with me a lot because she is a night shift nurse, but when she does she always brings her crochet along and just ignores the bumps and yaw that bother most others.

Great Gal.

 

[HerrGruyere]

Yeah, my girlfriend gave me an intro flight for my birthday last year. Boy did that ever get the ball rolling...

 

[pbramlett]

I'm surprised that this hasn't been posted yet.

 

[Henning]

There is no such thing as safe aviation, it is always high risk. We reduce that risk mostly by THINKING, that does not rely on hours of experience or practice. As for physically flying, while learning he should be flying 3 times a week, after he gets his license, once a week will do well. Thing is, you can fly a 40 hr a week job, tens of thousands of hours and still be an unsafe pilot because you have an unsafe thought process and method of risk assessment. Conversely, you can be a fresh low time pilot and be quite safe because you do put in the effort to learn and think.

Once you have a good bit of flying time, it's like riding a bike, you can walk away for years and come back and be fine in just a few minutes physically, and as long as the thought processes you use haven't changed, you are not really at an appreciably higher risk.

 

[ja_user]

I'm surprised that this hasn't been posted yet.

The third one says "Be a little gay"

 

[bflynn]

There's something left open here that I hesitate to pry into, so I'm just going to leave it as an open question...

What is the money situation? I know people who only fly 20 hours a year because frankly, they can't afford much more. Is it a situation where he loves to fly and wants to fly more, but the money is a problem (real or percieved)?

I don't think we need the answer, but you might, if for no other reason than to understand that.

As to your first question - is 20 hours a year "enough"? Enough for what? I wouldn't jump in the plane and do a multi-leg trip down from NC to Florida on that, but I'd feel comfortable flying to the beach which is less than an hour away. What 20 hours a year is enough for varies by person and total experience. I think when people get alarmed, they picture how they fly, let's say IFR from Atlanta to Chicago and they say "no way!". They're right.

 

[ja_user]

I will add to Brian's post...

20 hours a year isn't a lot, but it is fairly typical for a lot of people.. Especially if he is doing fair weather flying between April and September like most people do...

 

[sferguson524]

Becky,

My first wife didn't care for flying, and when i picked up my instrument training, she was very displeased. When we split up, i got back into it. My current girlfriend loves to fly with me, and i even got the honor of taking her kids for their first airplane ride. My advice is to be supportive of your husband, even if you choose not to fly with him

 

[Henning]

Yep, 'AIDS', aviation induced divorce syndrome is a real malady of general aviation.

 

[Speedy]

I must be living the dream. My wife just LOVES to get up in the clouds. I fly a couple hours every week. We do go places cross country and she loves that too. We used to drive 4 hours to college football games every Friday. Now we fly a little over an hour to get there.

She is very alert at watching for traffic and is learning "radio talk".

Glad she's that way because Im too old to train a new wife. Married 31 years.

 

[Traket92X]

If you are OK with your husband flying alone or with friends, set a budget and let him know that you are OK with it.

This a good point. It is part of being open on the communication, but it also let's him know he won't be coming home to a resentful wife when he gets back. You have to face that he is going to need some 'me' time. Whether, it's flying or out with friends, it's needed just for sanity.

As far as the wife thing goes, my wife was very similar to you. I was getting my license on and off during college and she couldn't have cared less about it. I finally was finishing up when I got my first job and moved back to my hometown. She really wasn't a big fan of me taking time to do it thinking there wasn't any benefit. I finally got my license but she had no interest in going up with me. I'm not sure if she was scared of it or just didn't care. If it hadn't been that someone was letting me fly their plane for free then, I'm sure she wouldn't have approved of me flying.

A year and a half later, we had our first boy. This kid was a terror. I have yet to this day find a kid that was as bad a screamer and bad sleeper (screamed from 10PM-4AM every night like clockwork, woke every 45 minutes until he was at least a year). Her parents were a 5 hour drive away. We would leave at 9PM and just pray he slept the whole way. If he woke, he was screaming and we were all going to be miserable.

Even then, she didn't want to fly, but I finally convinced her that a 1.5 hour flight was much better than midnight drives and a screaming baby in a car. It was after a nice peaceful flight to her parents that she finally changed her mind. With a second boy here now, she loves sitting in the back of the Lance and playing with the kids while I fly her. It beats staring at a center line and worrying about hitting deer. It also means more time at her parents when we plan to head for a weekend.

She still has no interest in buzzing around in the plane or learning to fly, and rolls her eyes about me spending time at the hanger, but she sure is glad it's an option when we want to get from point A to point B and for that reason alone she encourages me to keep proficient and get my IFR.

 

[LDJones]

Once you have a good bit of flying time, it's like riding a bike, you can walk away for years and come back and be fine in just a few minutes physically, and as long as the thought processes you use haven't changed, you are not really at an appreciably higher risk.

I agree. At around 1,000 hours career travel and family kept me away flying for a couple of years. I did a flight review and instrument proficiency check in one 1.5 hr. flight (plus the required hour of ground.) I've flown with low-time pilots that have been away from it and found the basic stick-n-rudder stuff comes back pretty quickly.

 

[Dr. O]

If you are uncomfortable flying with him, just say NO.
You two are married, but neither of you "owns" the other.
You do your thing and become oblivious to his thing.

Now, having given that advice, there is a flip side - this happened a couple of generations ago, so the names do not have to be changed, etc.
.
One morning as I was getting shaved for work (my morning job before my second job at the factory at night) the wife had a hairy fit over 'that damned plane', as she was writing out checks, and 'it has to go!'

A few minutes later she came into the living room to see why I had not left for work, 'you are going to be late.', she was waving her hands.
'not going to work' was my reply as I leafed through a magazine, my work boots off and sitting next to my chair.
'why not', in a rising tone of panic.
'I work one job so we can live. I work a second job so I will have money for an airplane, money that you seem to think belongs to you. If I cannot have an airplane then I am not working two jobs.
She went back to the kitchen. It was silent for a minute and she came back with my lunch box, sat down and put my boots on, and I have not heard a word about my airplanes in the 50+ years since.

 

[Becky]

Once more, thanks for the posting .... amazing to hear all these stories. I'm carefully reading and processing all of them. Very interesting, and varied!

Most especially, I feel heard by most of you ... that is the key thing I had been missing from my husband. I think men often don't ADDRESS issues or TALK about them with wives, perhaps, because they WANT something (flying) really badly and don't want anything (wife's opinion/feelings) to get in the way of it. Better to say nothing and let wife look like a nag for trying to talk about it. "She's harassing me! She won't let it drop!" No, she's trying to have a talk with a man she respected enough to marry. Now he's turned into a passive-aggressive cretin? Hmmm.

Women usually value relationships and want to preserve them. I realize I'm painting with a broad brush here, but the bottom line is that I would NOT engage in a time- and resource-intensive hobby if my husband (whom I love and value) was very uncomfortable with it. Naturally, I expect the same in return. We're in a partnership, right? But no.

The Good Wife Guide? Where's the Good Husband Guide to balance that? I didn't marry a man who could be made happy and fulfilled by one thing only (flying) .... or so I thought. He never mentioned it before we married, didn't even look up when a plane went over.

I noticed that, because I had my own love affair with flying in the 80's, and got over it pretty fast when I realized the expense involved, and after three people I knew (two of them excellent pilots) died in crashes. One was caused by a mechanical failure, completely out of the pilot's control. It does make you think. Now, I find flying extremely uncomfortable, but tried my best to resurrect my attraction to it as I mentioned earlier. It didn't work.

Some of you have been honest about divorces and the reality that one spouse's flying CAN cause marriage destruction. From my experience working at our local port district and interacting with pilots, I have long observed that flying marriages usually only work if: a) the spouse doesn't mind if their mate is gone a lot and spends lots of money; or b) the spouse shares the hobby. We fit in neither category, which has been a large concern for me, and difficult to resolve when communication with my husband on the subject was truncated.

Looking at the spectrum of experience you all have shared opens up different perspectives. I wonder ... perhaps flying to a marriage can be like ... say, your car battery in winter. If it's about to die, cold weather will do the battery in and you have to replace it. If it's strong, it'll weather the stress.

I still don't think it's fair, in a loving relationship, to force something into the marriage that a spouse (reasonably and articulately expressed) doesn't want there, and knows (and expresses that) it would cause resentment over time. Naturally, the question arises: Is it fair for that spouse to PREVENT the other spouse from forcing that thing into the marriage? Flying really does become a third entity ... yes, a mistress, as you have mentioned. Generally, adultery is condemned as an unsavory and damaging practice. Why should flying be excused from that same category?

Thank you again for your very valuable responses. I do realize that each couple must find their own answers, and your responses are helping me to be better prepared to do that. My husband and I did talk more last night about this, and I owe you all big time for the new perspectives and information.

 

[TMetzinger]

Thanks for your reply, Becky. It's made some things clearer. Yes, if the activity is something that one partner hates, and resents, and the other partner loves, then it's as bad or worse than another person in the marriage.

 

[John221us]

Women usually value relationships and want to preserve them. I realize I'm painting with a broad brush here, but the bottom line is that I would NOT engage in a time- and resource-intensive hobby if my husband (whom I love and value) was very uncomfortable with it. Naturally, I expect the same in return. We're in a partnership, right? But no.

Very few hobbies don't require time and resources. This appears to be a somewhat limiting statement. The fact that you state you would not engage in such a hobby indicates that you either are using martyrdom as a tool to control what your husband does, your husband is your entire life (and you should broaden it), or you truly don't understand what a healthy relationship looks like. It would seem that you are suggesting that the only activities allowed in your relationship are either trivial or need to be approved by you. Does your husband dictate how much you can spend shopping? If your husband had a gambling addiction and was spending the rent money, I would be concerned, but if he can afford to fly 20 hours a year and that is what he chooses as a recreational hobby, I don't understand why you have an issue with it. You should consider allocating a hobby budget for each of you and let each other have some space.

 

[pbramlett]

Stop trying to change your husband. He likes flying. Either like it with him or find yourself your own hobby.

So, you were into flying a little back in the 80's. Similarly my wife was friends with 3 people who perished in a crash. The pilot had just gotten his license the day before and crashed during a night take off from a grass strip with 4 people in a 172 Cessna.

When i INFORMED my wife that I would be taking up aviation she brought up the crash and that she was concerned. People have strokes, car crashes, and all sorts of other ways that they depart this life. It is inevitable that we all will die. I fly a good amount and constantly train to become better at aviation and do not concern myself with worrying about such. My wife is confident enough in me that she is comfortable with our children flying with me. They fly with me more than she does.

Basically life and marriage is not a 50/50 contract. There are no equal shares in any arrangement. Your husband provides for your family as referenced earlier by your posts. Support your husband, he supports you. Find yourself a hobby that you like and enjoy. Try to combine the both of them. You'll be happier if you can overcome your fears and concerns over his flying.

All the best

 

[N801BH]

.....and I owe you all big time for the new perspectives and information.

Thanks ma'am for looking at our point of view..

As for the payback.....

Please send adult beverages to all who chimed in...