I’ve done it now (advice needed)

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NickSA

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Hi all,

I’m a 26 year old from northwest Florida and I’m currently enrolled into a fast track career pilot program. It is costing me in all, about $125k including room and board, testing fee’s and software etc. I’m already an instrument pilot and have the hope of becoming a professional pilot at the end of this. Well, as some might imagine, I met a girl while I’m here and the two of went on a couple dates. We ended up going a bit far one night and we did the dirty. Well, a few weeks later I find out she’s pregnant, so now I’ve got a baby on the way with this girl I met here. I don’t have an income at the moment as I’m living on student loans and paying for my training. I really don’t know what to do, as I most likely won’t have the requirements to go to an airline by the time this baby is born. I need advice as I am already knees deep into debt and now by biggest financial mistake is 8 months away. Where should I go from here? Please don’t lecture me, I know I should’ve used a condom.

Thank you, Nick
 
MauleSkinner said:
Figure out how to support your family before the courts decide for you.
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Yes I will be, but I am requesting a paternity test. I barely knew her at the time and don’t know who else she slept with around the same time.
 
I assume you’re going to do the right thing and marry the lass, so no lecture.

Do your best to get her into a high-paying job so she can support you while you finish training and get your career underway. Plan for several years. Many pilots have started their careers this way.

Alternatively, what was your planned backup career in the event flying didn’t pan out, say due to a medical problem, a hiring downturn, etc.? You may need to implement that plan, at least for a while.

In any case, providing for the child is the priority.
 
Half Fast said:
I assume you’re going to do the right thing and marry the lass, so no lecture.

Do your best to get her into a high-paying job so she can support you while you finish training and get your career underway. Plan for several years. Many pilots have started their careers this way.

Alternatively, what was your planned backup career in the event flying didn’t pan out, say due to a medical problem, a hiring downturn, etc.? You may need to implement that plan, at least for a while.

In any case, providing for the child is the priority.
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Since I assume the lad isn't posting on the Internet through a worm hole from the 1950s, I'll point out that in the 21st century, it's not compulsory to marry a one-night stand just because she got pregnant. In fact, there are many options.

Other than that, I would advise that the OP start by having a conversation with the lass. You did an adult thing, have an adult conversation. What does she want out of this? And yes, 100%, no cap, get a paternity test ASAP. As for finances, if she has the kid and it's yours, the state is going to order you to support it, so you might as well talk to a lawyer to understand your rights and responsibilities. As for flying, buckle down, get your **** together, and start working as soon as you possibly can. That may mean a part-time job outside of flying.
 
Also get tested for std. Couple of dates and you go without protection?
 
Lindberg said:
Since I assume the lad isn't posting on the Internet through a worm hole from the 1950s, I'll point out that in the 21st century, it's not compulsory to marry a one-night stand just because she got pregnant. In fact, there are many options.
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1950s and wormhole or no, social expectation is the last reason why a man should marry the mother of his child. Studies have proven, over and over and in many different ways, that having a father in the home from the beginning is extremely crucial for a child's development and future potential. If you have any care for your child, you would want to marry the girl that conceived a child with you unless she is so unfit to be a mother that you shouldn't have even dreamt of being intimate with her in the first place. You would be common-law married by the time you finished living together for 18-20 years so your child could grow up with his or her father anyway. It's not very romantic, but neither is having unprotected sex when there is no desire or plan for a child. Also, getting married/moving in together and handling the finances as a family will most likely to be much less expensive than court ordered child support in the long term.

To the OP, assuming it's yours - and make sure!, you're both going to need jobs. The woman should look for a job that either allows her to work from home so she can also take care of the child during the day, or gives her a significant discount on childcare, as the childcare bill will be eye-watering when that time comes. Does she have family in the area? Do you? Talk to your student loan advisor, explain your situation and ask if it is possible to go to school halftime and still be eligible for the loan. If you can, get the best job you can and do the rest of your flight training "on the side". It will be ridiculously hard and take a little while longer, but it's possible and would enable you and the lady you conceived a child with to provide a home for that child. My mom and dad completed their college degrees (bachelor's and master) while they had two young children as half-time students so they could work and parent while they finished their degrees. It is all very overwhelming and probably feels extremely scary, but you can choose to own up to the consequences of your actions and you may just find that although this isn't the life you'd dreamed about, it's a life worth living after all.
 
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Yes, being raised in a loving, two-parent household is the best thing for kids. But being raised in a two-parent household with unhappy parents forced into a relationship isn't second best.

Regardless, hopefully the OP will find some flying advice here and not make a decision about something as important as marriage based on the opinions of complete strangers.
 
Lindberg said:
Yes, being raised in a loving, two-parent household is the best thing for kids. But being raised in a two-parent household with unhappy parents forced into a relationship isn't second best.

Regardless, hopefully the OP will find some flying advice here and not make a decision about something as important as marriage based on the opinions of complete strangers.
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By and large, happiness is a chosen state of mind when dealing with two people of relatively sound mind. If both are willing to be loyal to each other for the sake of their child, and there is apparently mutual attraction already present, there is little that cannot be compromised on.

Would I recommend doing so little vetting of a marriage partner to an otherwise unattached couple? No. But they are already attached by a bond more permanent than even marriage and one that should have incited an even deeper vetting process than simply marriage - they have mingled their own flesh and blood together and created a being that will require care, love, and teaching for 18+ years. It is in their and their child's best interests to put aside selfish ideas and find an understanding and state of happiness with each other.
 
Lindberg said:
Since I assume the lad isn't posting on the Internet through a worm hole from the 1950s, I'll point out that in the 21st century, it's not compulsory to marry a one-night stand just because she got pregnant. In fact, there are many options.
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Written like someone who thinks fatherhood is nothing more than writing checks.

I was going to write a detailed response, but this morning I see that @SkyChaser has already done a much better job than I could.
 
Nick, I understand you are afraid. People have been raising kids for all of history, with a lot less going for them than you have. A lot less.

One foot in front of the other. Be the best damn dad you can be. Work hard to provide. Work hard to coparent with the child’s mother, in whatever form that takes.

In time, I believe that you will find that your biggest financial mistake is also the greatest blessing in your life.

Don’t give up on your goals. Just work harder.
 
To quote someone I respect:

"I define masculinity as the glad assumption of sacrificial responsibility. And I think that's what covenant leadership is.

Covenant leadership requires masculine leadership.
'Don't blame me, he's too young.' or
'Don't blame me, he's too old...'
That evasiveness is the thing that I think is killing us."

Not going to post anything else because it might violate the TOS to go in a religious direction, but if you choose, check out this video - link broken so it won't show up as embedded:

youtube.com/watch?v=sSEvaA-M0CE
 
Half Fast said:
Written like someone who thinks fatherhood is nothing more than writing checks.
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Suffice it to say, you know very little about me. Certainly not enough to confidently issue such insults.

I know enough about fatherhood to know that a man's sperm fertilizing a woman's egg doesn't make him a father in anything but the biological sense. And it certainly doesn't make him a good or even suitable one.

I could say something here about people who see the world through a narrow lens and think their way is the only way, but the people who need to hear it, wouldn't.
 
Lindberg said:
I could say something here about people who see the world through a narrow lens and think their way is the only way, but the people who need to hear it, wouldn't.
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Ha. Gravity is kind of limiting, but we have to deal with it. Moral standards are pretty similar. You can violate them, but they'll bite eventually.
 
Lindberg said:
I could say something here about people who see the world through a narrow lens and think their way is the only way, but the people who need to hear it, wouldn't.
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RyanShort1 said:
Ha. Gravity is kind of limiting, but we have to deal with it. Moral standards are pretty similar. You can violate them, but they'll bite eventually.
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I assume the irony of comparing your personal moral code to the law of gravity was intentional.
 
dmspilot said:
You think NOT MARRYING someone is equal to MURDER?
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Let's reframe that as refusing to be a father to your own kid.
The murder reference was pointing out the moral laws can be as universal as gravity.
So is marriage.
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Yes, but it's the best choice for the child you're responsible for - by far.
 
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